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daftcowmoo 08-15-2007 12:30 PM

I feel so horrible
 
HI guys,

Things have got pretty bad again. Had a huge fight via a message board with my boyfriend's friend and his girlfriend. It originally started as me and my friend arguing with his gf. I admit L and I were pretty nasty to the woman and we have since apologised. But then girls bf signed in and starting giving us abuse, saying really hurtful things and trying to cause ructions in our relationships with our spouses. It turns out that my boyfriend was bitching to this guy about me a few wees back and Im so humiliated. I wouldnt mind if he was asking the guy for advice but he never talked to me about the problems we felt we were having, which seems stupid to me because I was the only one who could fix things!

Anyway, this guy said he had never liked me and thought I was the most immature person in the group and that I was the reason he stopped going out to pubs and parties with us all. Im devestated. I always liked the guy and tried so hard to get on with his gf. Believe me, she is playing the weak female when in reality she gave as good as she got and wasnt backward in coming forward with her feelings. I hold my hands up to being nasty and so does my friend L, and we feel really bad and have apologised.

I try so hard to be a real adult, Im nearly 24 and have always suspected that I could me immature and silly, I try so hard to change my behaviour so people like me and I thought I was getting it right. This guy said that he only said to me what everyone else was thinking...I thought my bfs friends accepted me...I try so hard to be liked. Does everyone I know think Im immature and stupid? I have a nice group of friends from work etc and they all seem to like me (which I cant understand - whats there to like?)...if Im as bad as this guy says then why does anyone even pretend to like me?

Im also terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me...we havent been getting on well lately and he says hes not angry with me over this thing because I apologised and he agrees theres nothing else I can do to make it right. I know hes upset by it though. He never tells me when hes unhappy with me until I pick a fight so I never know when Im behaving wrongly. I need guidance from him. He says I treat him like a child sometimes but I honestly dont mean to. Its me whos the child. I just want all this to go away. Why cant I just be normal? I really really hate myself so much..I dont even have a mirror in my house because I cant stand the sight of myself. This guys just made me realise that everyone hates me. But how do I change?

positivity17 08-15-2007 02:59 PM

Re: I feel so horrible
 
Well first off, you are way too hard on yourself, ease up girl! You are human and make mistakes, you said that you apologized so stop beating yourself up over what has happened. Learn from your mistakes, don't drown in self-hatred over them. As you have said before, you don't feel good about yourself, this is something that you have to work on. List 5 positive things about yourself and try to remember these when you start to feel badly.

daftcowmoo 08-16-2007 01:45 AM

Re: I feel so horrible
 
Thanks Positivity. I dont think Im being hard on myself. I think that IVe finally come out of denial and that Im seeing myself for what I am.

I just wish I knew how to change. I want to be a nice person desperately. I try so hard and I can't work out where Im going wrong.

5 positive things about me? Im friendly I suppose. Thats as far as I got!

positivity17 08-17-2007 02:15 PM

Re: I feel so horrible
 
[B]Can I help you out?[/B] You are intelligent, this is obvious from your postings, not to mention, alot of people that suffer from depression have high intelligence. You are caring, that comes across too! And you are strong (even if you don't realize it!)

[B]Can I give you a suggestion? [/B] Put up a mirror, look into and say "I love you", "You are special", "You are strong", etc. At first you will feel silly with laughter, then you may actually, sort of, half believe it, and then you are on your way......

If I posted what you wrote I'm certain you would read it and think "Wow, she's being hard on herself". You have the willingness to change so give yourself some credit, pat yourself on the back instead of beating yourself up for not being good enough!! You have to start somewhere.....

Maybe you can come up with the last of the 5 positive things about yourself?


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