hey guys, im going on strike-like a perminant strike. im considering leaving the boards soon-nothing to do with anyone here, and im soo grateful for everyones help over the past year.
ill explain it being that this is so random. remember i waited all my hols to get back to see my doc for those pills, and finally thought even without pills she understood and was listening to me again like in the beginning. well, i went in and she acted as if she was surprised to see me, like i was being sudden, asked what she could do for me again. i came in trying to sound positive and about what we are doing, trying to be enthusiastic about trying again having made an attempt at recharging my batteries. she said i sounded aggressive, despite that what i said wasnt aggressive, i told her this and she said it was ok and that was that. she then proceeded for the thrid time to tell me there was nothing wrong, im not depressed and theres nothing anyone can do for me i just have to work it myself in counslling. but theres the problem, my counsellor is great but were far away from were we should be in it, i cant reach what im trying to fix and its entirley hopeless, so when she says this what it means is theres nothing. she said the psych was willing to bet his career on that i was not depressed. i cant keep up with this, its breaking me to pieces everytime and theres nothing left to break anymore. how many times has she changed her mind, gone over depression stuff thats contradicted her opinion, she flies back and forth, listens then doesnt, says were taking one course of action then cancels it, i cant keep having all hope crashed-the only way to really trust whats happening is if i do it myself, i can look after myself better than anyone like a doctor, parent or counsllor can. dont get me wrong-i never thought there was a quick fix no matter how much i want it, no1 else can fix it for me but somewhere along the line i lost support and understanding from my doctor, i refuse to sink down and cry and blurt it out for her to screw her face up or just stare blankly and get nothing back in return for pushing myself to breaking point. it just brings everything to ther surface and leaves it nowhere to go, with no answer at all.i was willing once i thought she understood to go it without pills bacause the first time it never worked, all i wanted was for her to stand by me and listen and appreciate that it is 'that bad' realise whats working and whats not, just because i cant spread it out infront of her doesnt mean its not there. i refuse to be taken for an attention seeking, spolit, obnoxious, apparently aggressive, overly sensitive, niave whinging little girl.
before i left she told me to write, about what bothered me and get it out. while away i purposly refused to mull over all the stuff i do in counslling i cant do that myself and i would have exploded-i dread to think what wudve happened. so instead i wrote about my parents, how empty everything was and how i just wanted to be home. how i had to work the next few days when i got home and how the period pills made me sick and worse. nothing out of the ordinary there. anyways, she screwed up her face and said its not depression i just hate everyone and am easily irritated, i tried explaining but she told me to let her finish, she proceeded to give me what felt like a thrashing, then told me 'thats life'.
i breifly mentioned self harm when she asked so she knows im still doing that. she then went on to say perhaps another doctor again, but that ive been to 3psychs and theres nothing there-so whats the point, im finished with doctors. i tried explaining and began crying a little tiny bit, she softened but i dont care. she said shed see me again and i could write-but for what is what im asking myself?? everything i said was downplayed into 'thats life'.-so that means i just have to learn to struggle better-meaning entirley disconnecting from evrything and everyone.
so ive decided to close all the doors. i wish id never set eyes on a doctor, i was always a master at never ever depending emotionally on anyone, i always did it myself and i did better. i was absolutley miserable but at least i only had myself in the equation-i could understand better and it wasnt as confusing. ive had it with help, ill fix myself like she said i could. i still dont know how to and i know it wont happen but im preparing to cope with what i know best because it is the best i can do. i never will get so dependent on a person to point me in the right direction again because ive been let down by every single one bar keira. theyre sick to death of it and so am i, i refuse to crawl back and beg for help, i refuse to speak about any of the problems or thoughts because i cant bear being met by a cold wall saying how its just life and thats the sad fact-that this is just how i am and need to get a grip, its ok me saying that but someone else it makes me furious.
i havent yet cut keira out, i have all the praise in the world for her, she stopped me doing stupid things, im not happy im here but for my families sake im glad she stopped them from having to go through what id have done. i see her next week and intend to distance slowly and eventually just say i cant keep it up, or im fine now.
i feel its hard even to be angry im just so dead i dont even care anymore. last night was good thinking time. i was at a freinds and got stoned and everything became clear what to do, i felt nothing, a bit of dispair but it slowly sank away to absolutley nothing, for the first time my head has been silent. i realised i was better before because it was just me, i can trust myself to a degree, a few mnore degrees than i can trust anyone else ever. i realised you just cant read or rely on anyone else because they will nefver understand in full and will never stick with it because i just seem to be too full on-m i understand its hard work but it aiont easy for me either-but apparently thats life and your on your own so i thought id fully embarce that idea.
im ashamed for going begging and i hate myself for breaking down and then it happening like i knew it would and i was too weak to stop it. i cried and im angry at both me and my doc for A)putting/letting myself in that position B)her seeing me like that makes me angrty at her.
people cannot help. she told me the year had been stable. its been the year from absolute hell. 3 different psychs, 2 counsellors, and two GP's and in fact its only been 10 months. eahc one spaced out filled inbetween with waiting qwhile watching everyone else start second guyessing me, implying im whinging, telling me i have to 'be bothered;' or'you have to tery' when im on my last legs. none fo them have ever had any concept iof how painfuil and difficult any of it ever was to open up to someone and ill never forgive myself for doing it-i knew it would happen. im angry but cant even be bothered arguing, im sick of, im angry they lured me into a false sense of security and then set me on fire and have just given up and left me burbing-its me who has to put it out now.
im not running from it, im just not caring anymore. ill do what i want, harm when i want, im just goign to drift like i used to-it was faaar less painful and i can handle myself better without anyoen esle in the mix.
so thats the story, i dont regret going to see her yesterday, i regret the day i ever asked for help but i feel ive managesd to come out of it crawling but at least i didnt do something stupid because of them. dont get me wromng im not comnvinced im about to walk into the light and ill leave this all behind me. its bleak and entirley empty ahead of me, i have nothing i feel i want to get up for even though i have a lot(yea she made me feel like an obknoxious spoilt brat by screwing her face up and saying ive just been on hols, i have parents and were finacially secure), but its empty and thats all there is too it. i just have to live like im dead and i can carry it off.
but id like to say thanks to everyone for helping me with all the ups and downs9there were many many downs), all the messes and loads of questions i got answered-in particualr sannah/dakota/carsam, there wereotjhers but its hard to remember. i got really interested in everyones opinion and it was nice to see p[eople who felt the same. but i think i need to lock up now and get on with it, find a grip. this boards is for depression, i do not have depression. can you be an entirley broken person but have an appearance that everything is entirley together???-thats what i ahve but she said theres nothign they can do-i do not have a medical condition. im tired of arguing with her over it and am just resigning myself it it-i dont care.
good luck everyone, before i go how is everyone-dakota i havent spoken can you let me know how things are??
It sounds to me like you have finally accepted the fact that your doctor is not able to help you in the way you need. You've been putting her for so long, and so high up on that pedestal, that it is a long way for her to fall. Personally I think you should have a different doctor, because she gives you mixed messages. The one constant I see is Keira....and I think you should keep seeing her, and I think that you should keep coming here. As Sannah says...no one here has ever let you down...or discarded your feelings as nothing. You are your best ally is getting through this Kerry......you are the one that best knows the feelings you go through...and I completely agree with Sannah, you just need to learn "who to trust". There are people out there that can help...you just have to know who they are. In the meantime, if you still feel you cant open up to your parents, you can rely on yourself Kerry, Keira and us here on the boards. At the end of the day Kerry, all of us can say the same thing, not just you. The only real person we can count on is ourselves....I think you have tried hard to make your doctors understand what you're going through....but you need to also involve people that care about you. I still believe you should talk to your parents, I always have.
Anyways.....I hope you stick around....its always nice to hear from you.
BTW....Dakota is going through her own issues at the moment and isnt around as much these days. But when she needs us, she knows where to find us. So you see, sometimes, life gets on top of all of us......
Take care, and keep posting Kerry!
hi. im sorry to hear about dakota-i hope she is ok.
i get when you say to learn who to trust-its just me though, i can never be in someones head and know truthfully-and im not prepared anymore to let my pride slip and open up at the risk-however small it is that itll blow up. my mind cannot take it anymore, if i keep this up ill be dead soon and i cant do it to my family.
it may seem im an all or nothing person, maybe i am but to me all that 'all' means is listening and sticking with it. the whole way through she has been preaching about not giving up when she did ages ago. swung back and forth and was so inconsistant. youre right keira or you have done nothing, and im soo glad but you know thats how my doc began, full of big ideas, she was warm, she understood what i told her and never made me feel weak-she had hope at least and it gave me hope. then it came crashing down because i cant read anyone. just like back then some ******* pretended to be trusting and wasnt-and here we are in the same position and it shows i never learnt, if i keep trusting im going to turn my head inside out and its too painful and stressful. its easier to be alone however near impossible even that is.
im sad for how it turned out but it fell to fast to catch it. i can see were i went wrong even in the moment id made the mistake. i wish i could reverse it literally so ill have to do it in my head-it means closing up shop and pasting the entrance over again.
keira e-mailed me back, ive already put a foot in it when i freaked out after the app and told her everything, she said she knows the logical solution is change doctor, but now is beginning to understand that i cannot give up on this woman. being shes the first person i told ever she is forever up there or else has to be non-existant(which is what im working on). you know she was trying to come off with ideas and is still thinking on it, one was to just for the sake of 'what else could go wrong that hasnt before with this woman?' she thought maybe i should write a letter, work on it again. but be entirley truthful about everything. how i feel, how im angry and hurt, no holding back but not in an aggressive way, just a blank explanation. but you see when with keira that sounds ok, then i see my doc and i think 'no-she will not understand', the woman can be very narrow minded at the worst times when i need her to see past me being angry to what im really asking for. i can see it in her view that she feels im ungrateful to her, she is frustrated because she doesnt know what else to do anymore, but all it takesdis something so simple-not to make me feel weak or petty like she has done. i have come to realise that she will NEVER grasp nowehere near the concept of how much pain im in. so i give up, im stuck with myself.
i wont lie im terrified of what is to come with all this.having opened up its a lot to stuff back down again along with a ******** of new baggage i picked up on the way. but i know from experience that although it may even take a year or two eventually it numbs to a bearable degree. my main worries are that even with others help i crawled through my exams and i know that i simply am not up to cope with a harder year ahead. i realise ill have the wrath of my parents to face. im behind on everything like loans and im almost broke. i realise ill have no1 to write me doctors notes for abscences when i cant get up or just sit in a lecture or when i crash and cannot do an exam. ill spend forever in a trance in a job i hate and everything will be slow,ill never get over the whole people issue nor make it to feeling affection, but hopefully ill be to out of it all to feel anything at all is what im hoping for. i am afraid of being alone but then ive done it a long time, i still crashed. to me this is the best chance i have of survival even though in reality i only see as it meaning an 'extended stay', one day ill do it but at least itll be farther from right this moment and its hard because its not even for my sake that i wait, theres barley motivaton to pull from.
i know something has shifted, usually when keira came with an idea of how to get around my doctor messes i was keen, i was so determined to go at it and really get under her skin to the get to the next step. but you know now i dont care, im unintersted and ive lost faith in every single person on this planet(you are great and id not be here without you but i know you cant help me fix me-just stay static). theres too much to explain to my doc and keira and im not up to letting me down again even to explain it because ive been there before and i get trampled on unrelentlessly. i am kind of anxious about explaining this to keira, i dont want her to blow up and call my doctor. i dont want anything to do with anyone anymore not even myself. i dont want her to care because when she does and then doesnt when i fall for it its too hard. i dont want to have to explain all this to her and dig a further hole. i told her id be back in a few weeks but it doesnt matter, she will think i got the message and i can get on with things.
im glad i came here at least, its helped though some hard hard times.
i will write back on tuesday or something after i see keira and let you know my plans. thanks guys.