TRG, you can fix damaged too, it can be a slow process, it's so frustrating, hang in there, you have so much insight it's amazing, do you know how many people don't even realize why they do things? When you look at your precious son you can't help but be reminded of your own upbringing, don't most people use it as a spring board for passing on lessons of life? The huge gift you have is that you know right and wrong, you realize that you're parents didn't fulfill your needs even while knowing what your son requires of you. Do you know how amazing that is? You are breaking the cycle instead of repeating it! Only thing is, you haven't made peace with the little boy in you who didn't get what he truly deserved. I think you have started to give yourself some of what your parents withheld from you.....a safe environment, your parents cannot harm you any longer, you can allow yourself to have feelings, you can know that you are deserving, you have a positive force in your life that no one can take away. You also have people that care to read what your willing to share. Do not know if there is more to add but I do know that you have a willingness to change otherwise you wouldn't be on this board. You attempt to try to change. You want to feel good. You have such compassion for others on this board, if you give that to yourself as well can that help the healing process?
I hope you don't mind my responding, I feel the pain that you don't deserve to hold within. I come from an abusive household, not as severe physically but the scars are deep enough that my stomach tightens when I read about your hell. Suppose it touches upon the anger I have about not being loved and protected as I deserved.
IMO you underestimate yourself, it's obvious that you have a lot to offer your son, he has your unconditional love and support. I wanted to point this out to you b/c it's hard for anyone to seriously be objective. Ciao for now!
you haven't made peace with the little boy in you who didn't get what he truly deserved.
You have such compassion for others on this board, if you give that to yourself as well can that help the healing process?
Trg, I really agree with what Positivity has said here. Trg, you know what normal is. It is coming from your heart. You are treating your child wonderfully. I was wondering if what is bothering you is that you are giving your child what you are longing to give yourself but will not allow yourself to and this is causing you distress (this is basically what Positivity is saying I think).
..... the little boy from my past is a very distant memory that I am not going to call up.
I can understand why you feel this way, the past sometimes does belong in the past, especially if it's too difficult to look at. I do think that while your son grows it may be possible (perhaps unconciously) that some peace will be made within. After all, don't a lot of memories surface in regard to the differences of your upbringing and that of your son? At the very least you will get some satisfaction from the fact that you are your son's protector and that should give you some kind of peace.
trg, does this mean that if painful feelings from childhood surface you push them down and try to ignore them? Or do you allow yourself to feel them? And if so, do you try to view these feelings as an adult rather than think of how you felt as a child? Just wondering.
I know in my case that I had coping mechanisms used as a child that became ineffectual as an adult, I still have feelings arise that are hard to deal with but I figure I'd rather deal with them and get it over with.
Please hold on to and keep reminding yourself of the fact that your son will appreciate the fantastic upbringing you are giving him. It sounds to me like you are a brilliant father and a wonderful man..don't lose sight of that!
I hope you don't get mad at me for chiming in here but I think a lot of your problem is is that your not get the appropriate help. You don't see a tdoc and your pdoc is a waste, just by taking meds doesn't make the situation better and if you look at all your post it's usually the same issues that pop up.. Try harder!
Again I know you don't want to hear from me so sorry!