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Old 08-17-2007, 11:27 AM   #1
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ExTra111 HB User
Here we go again...

I honestly have no idea what am I doing everyday, and time is just flying away... 2 months of my summer have gone, and yet, I have spent most of my time with myself. What is wrong with me?
I stood up on my friend many times for the same visit, now instead of delaying the trap, I am not going at all. She is disappointed, so am I!
I haven't been out for a week, apart from going to the doctor and buying food from the nearest shop to my home. I have been trying to do some editing work and update my website, and yet, I haven't been able to focus at all, I can't tell what is wrong with the colour on my pics, I am confused with the format and sizes, I bet I won't even remember how to build a website... My beautiful cameras are still sitting in the same cases at exactly the same position as 2 months ago with a thick layer of dust on each of the cases, I feel sorry to my camera, I feel sorry for my friends who want to take loads of pics but dont have the neccessary gears. The thing is, last year, I complained about me not having a decent kit, so the whole of the summer was a waste, I told myself this year I must use the most of my cameras and time... but now it's almost the end of Aug, I still haven't done a single thing that I can tap on my shoulder and say well done...
I guess the only good thing is I have not argued with my mum for more than 2 weeks, but it doesnt make me feel any happier, coz I still am not brave enough to tell her everything, and so she still thinks I am good. I cried over the phone today, I guess it's the first time I broke down in front of my mum, she didn't get angry, instead I could tell how worried she is. But it doesnt solve the problem, doesnt it? I wanted to really speak to her about taking a year off uni, but she already said no even before I finished the whole sentence. So I guess the answer is a NO, I am not going to take a year off. My degree will no longer be my degree, it would just be a degree I do for the sake of it. My mum moans about I dont tell her everything, I said to her coz she doesnt listen, but then when she asked me certain questions, I just don't know how to answer. Maybe it's not that she doesnt listen, it's I don't share... I dunno...

ExTra

 
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Old 08-17-2007, 11:35 AM   #2
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Here we go again...

Hi CDE, I have been wondering how you have been doing lately. Sounds like you have made some progress with your mum, this is good!

 
Old 08-17-2007, 12:11 PM   #3
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Re: Here we go again...

Hi CyberMum, how are you then? Kids back to schook yet? I have been in the dark lately, so I thought I needed to disappear for a bit.
Yeah, I think my mum and I can talk better now, it feels like the old days, you know, when I was 15, 16, we used to be like this. But then she still doesn't fully understand my problems so then she still thinks I am just taking a **** or using this as an excuse to avoid growing up, if that makes any sense. Maybe she is right, I am just lazy after all.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 12:19 PM   #4
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Re: Here we go again...

ExTra, it sounds like you are in a bad place right now, that would explain why your camera is dusty. There are two more weeks of August left if you feel up to getting out, if not, don't be hard on yourself, it's not you, it's your depression. Hang in there. You sound very hard on yourself!

Last edited by positivity17; 08-18-2007 at 09:18 PM.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 01:51 PM   #5
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Re: Here we go again...

God, that sounds familiar.

I'm a freelance writer. I've had a ton of engagements the past few weeks and yesterday, I planned on just staying at my apartment, doing some cleaning and then trying to get back into the writing mode. Since my anxiety attack in May, my productivity has dropped to zero. I spent last night on my couch, doing generic Web searching and idly watching TV. I just feel spent and have absolutely no desire to write. I have purchased Dreamweaver and Flash to build a Web site but zero motivation to write or create right now.

I don't think anything is wrong with you, ExTra - with the exception of depression, which virtually everyone who is on this board, is coping with. I would first say that there's nothing wrong with alone downtime. I keep thinking of artists who have taken months/years off (e.g. Fiona Apple) before their next endeavor. But that doesn't necessarily help when you have to get back in the game of writing/editing (e.g. if you're in school or if your job relates to writing/editing/Web site building).

I've noticed journaling has helped me a lot. Of course, I haven't journaled in weeks since I'm sliding back into a rut.

Glad to hear about you being on better terms with your mum.

Wish I had a better answer to your post. All I can say is I can definitely relate. Thanks for posting this.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 04:25 PM   #6
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Re: Here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by positivity17 View Post
ExTra, it sounds like you are in a bad place right now, that would explain why your camera is dusty. There are two more weeks of August left if you feel up to getting out, if not, don't be hard on yourself, it's not you, it your depression. Hang in there. You sound very hard on yourself!
Well, I guess only because I am not bothered cleaning my room since I am moving n a couple of weeks time... this is being my excuse...

But seriously, I have been wanting to go out and take some pics, and to be honest, this is a task my my care worker set for me to do like 3 weeks ago, I disapointed her last week when we met, and I am seeing her again next wed, so hopefully I would be able to tell her I have finally taken some pictures after months not having taken a single one.

I have already lower the standard of myself, but coz I lost a big time a couple of years ago (I was about 3 marks down to the country top 5 A-level photographers, and the worst part was that I was way ahead of the game for the first year and 2/3, then I made a wrong decision on my last project, and I messed up totally), so I think this is what kind of got me, I do not wanna lose again, and I was on the right track of getting a 1st class on my degree, but I can see that I am slowly lossing it, I am now only in the midddle of a 2.1 class. I just cant let go... maybe you are right, I am too hard on myself...

 
Old 08-17-2007, 04:34 PM   #7
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Re: Here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by VoodooBiker View Post
God, that sounds familiar.

I'm a freelance writer. I've had a ton of engagements the past few weeks and yesterday, I planned on just staying at my apartment, doing some cleaning and then trying to get back into the writing mode. Since my anxiety attack in May, my productivity has dropped to zero. I spent last night on my couch, doing generic Web searching and idly watching TV. I just feel spent and have absolutely no desire to write. I have purchased Dreamweaver and Flash to build a Web site but zero motivation to write or create right now.

I don't think anything is wrong with you, ExTra - with the exception of depression, which virtually everyone who is on this board, is coping with. I would first say that there's nothing wrong with alone downtime. I keep thinking of artists who have taken months/years off (e.g. Fiona Apple) before their next endeavor. But that doesn't necessarily help when you have to get back in the game of writing/editing (e.g. if you're in school or if your job relates to writing/editing/Web site building).

I've noticed journaling has helped me a lot. Of course, I haven't journaled in weeks since I'm sliding back into a rut.

Glad to hear about you being on better terms with your mum.

Wish I had a better answer to your post. All I can say is I can definitely relate. Thanks for posting this.
Mate, a friend of mind actually congrats me once for haivng depression, she thinks it's cool for an artist to have some sort of mental ilnesses . Well maybe she is right, a lot of successful artists have been through this, maybe I should be glad

I really wish I could take a year off, then I can really pull myself together, and think about where to position myself. And I know it is very common for people esp. for creative people to do so, but I will be in my final year of uni and it would create a big money probelm if I did go ahead for a gap year. So this is what annoys me a big deal.

Journaling has helped me a bit in the past, but then I gave up, I still do it tho, but instead of writing every night, I do it probably once every 2 weeks or sth...

From when I started this thread to now, it has been a few hours, and I have re-touched a few pictures ready for my web and the book, so I suppose I have commited myself today. Maybe it's time to tap my shoulder and say well done for today... but I am still miles behind from the game...

So what sort of stuff you write then?

 
Old 08-17-2007, 05:26 PM   #8
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Re: Here we go again...

Dearest CyberDaughter, your mum is not the only mum to not understand her daughter's problems. My mom is totally in the dark and she didn't have to come into the light for me to get better either. At least there is some progress! And you aren't able to do your work like before because of what is going on with you. It isn't because you are lazy!

I was never one who had to be tops in my classes. Sometimes I was and other times I wasn't. It really didn't matter to me. What's really the point of being the top of the class anyway (unless you need it to get into a very competitive school or something). I am glad that you got some work done today. Look at your work one step/day at a time and not at the whole project maybe?

I am glad that others are posting on your thread. You definitely need many different perspectives (I guess its because you didn't put Sannah in the thread title).

Yes, the kids are back in school. We were so busy this summer. Now we can rest! I get my 5th "specialized" allergy shot this Monday. I can't eat for three days around the shot! I'll be here on the computer then to make the time go faster!

 
Old 08-18-2007, 09:10 AM   #9
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Re: Here we go again...

Darling CyberMum, I guess you are right, my mum is just being a normal mum, isn't she? I would probably do the same to my kids in the future... we will see...


Why are kids back to school so soon? Is it normal? Coz ours dont start till Sept, and unis dont start till late Sept, Oct...

How are your allergies, it sounds bothering, hope you are on top of the game... how can they make you not ot eat for 3 days? Nothing at all? It sounds horrible and mean, but dont worry, we are all here for you...

I have been able to do some more work today actually, but it's weird that they just dont seem alright, maybe they are really not good, or maybe I am just being fussy... I should get a friend or 2 to have a look at them, so they can tell me if it's just me or the work.

Well, I have never worked for my grades as such, it's just that I happened to be one of the tops, and all of a sudden, I am going down to the bottom, it's just that feeling is very dpressing. And my course is very very super competitive, according to the our tutors (I dont believe it tho), we are the best of the best in the country, so we are comparing with others top people... I think they are always trying to brain wash us... And yes, after my degree, if I wanna carry on, I do need to get a top grade to get into my dream post grad school, and it's everyone's dream post grad school, they only take about 10 ppl each year in photography. So I have got to be on top of the game...

CyberDaughter

 
Old 08-18-2007, 09:33 PM   #10
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Re: Here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ExTra111 View Post
...... so I suppose I have commited myself today. Maybe it's time to tap my shoulder and say well done for today... but I am still miles behind from the game...
I'd like to tell you this: WELL DONE TODAY E!!!

You are definitely hard on yourself, perhaps in the past this may have given you motivation to push yourself, it's just a matter of knowing when to be gentle & loving with yourself and when to push yourself. Well, in my opinion anyways. I do know that anything art related is ultra competitive, I hope you can get a jump start to allow you to keep up your excellent work.

Last edited by positivity17; 08-18-2007 at 09:34 PM. Reason: grammer

 
Old 08-19-2007, 11:47 AM   #11
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Re: Here we go again...

CDE, I didn't mean that our mothers were normal, I was just saying that there are a lot of moms like them and that once they are like this they usually don't change.

Yes, my kids start school early here. They get extra breaks during the year with a shorter summer break.

I can only eat rabbit meat for three days! I am allergic to all the other allowed foods. I have to do this for the shot to work (this is not the traditional allergy shots that you have heard of). My allergies are improving with these shots so it is worth it.

I am so glad that you are able to do more work. Maybe things will improve for you if you keep working?

 
Old 08-19-2007, 01:12 PM   #12
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Re: Here we go again...

Hey my friends, CyberMum,

How is everyone today then? I spent 2/3 of my day in bed, well, at least my sleeping pattern has improved, so I should be happy... I have just started to carry on my book, it's 2/3 done now, I should be able to send it off to the printer on Tues or Wed, finally, 1 usual thing nearly done in the summer.

Positivity, Cheers man, I think I have learnt how to be nice to myself in the past few months, although it's still a long way to go, maybe I should be glad that I am given this challenge. So how are you doing then?

CyberMum, I spoke to my mum again, I told her I wanna take a year off, but she is not keen at all, well, she would let me, but I would have to go home for the year, which is the last thing I would wanna do, not that I don't like Hong Kong, but I would be much better off staying here. So I guess I would have to carry on uni. I said I am really tired and really want a break, she siad I have had my break already, mayeb she is right, maybe it's time to start again. I dunno... And it's funny, my fear of working has got a bit less, I can focus a bit more and work longer hours, althoght I am still much slower than usual and get confused easily, but at least it's something. But it's all computer based work, so it's much easier. I think I will try go out tomorro to see if I can set my camera up in the middle of a street and take some pics, like the old days... will let you know... (but it might right tomorro tho... damn...)

I would rather to have more breaks but each breaks are shorter, coz 3 and a half months summer is really killing my brain cells... well, as I said before, most of us think we are paying for holidays, coz we olny have 27 weeks of classes in a year, and we only have 2 - 3 days a week, sometimes less... coz the school says artists need a lot of own time to think... yeah right!!!

I am sorry about your allergies, but I guess you are right, a little "suffer" for 3 days in exchange of a long period hassle free is certainly worth it. So can you eat normally after then? How often you need to get those shots?

I nearly killed my friend once when I invited him around for dinner, I asked him if there is anything he cant eat in advance, he told me he eats absolutely anything. So I cooked a few dishes including the soup using a lot tomatos, coz I love tomatos. And guess what? He is bloody allegric to tomatos, so he couldn't enjoy half of the dishes... I was sooooo embarressed, coz it was his leaving dinner... it was funny tho, coz we are in a love and hate relationship, so I kind of enjoy seeing him suffering wathcing us eating the rest, and he could only sit there. But how could he forget such an important thing?

Ok, more work now, I will know when to stop, yes, I need to be nice to myself, so as everyone else... have a nice evening.

ExTra

Last edited by ExTra111; 08-19-2007 at 01:15 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2007, 03:11 AM   #13
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Re: Here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ExTra111;316***8
Positivity, Cheers man, I think I have learnt how to be nice to myself in the past few months, although it's still a long way to go, maybe I should be glad that I am given this challenge. So how are you doing then?
E, I'm still working on this myself, how often I have to remind myself, at times I worry that one day I may talk to myself out loud while in the street and everyone will discover that I'm nuts. Oh well, progress is such a gift so whatever it takes!! At this time I am in a manic phase, totally wide awake and shortly will try to sleep for a couple of hours. Today I join a gym to further improve my physical health, feeling quite motivated and looking forward to losing the 20 lbs. gained in the last 6 months. Take care!

Oh, and good luck with shooting the pictures, very exciting news!

 
Old 08-20-2007, 04:49 AM   #14
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Re: Here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ExTra111;316***8
my fear of working has got a bit less, I can focus a bit more and work longer hours, althoght I am still much slower than usual and get confused easily, but at least it's something.
CDE, this is great news!!!!!!!

My shots are only every two months for now but I should be able to start spreading them out here after this 5th shot or the next. You only need about 18 shots total, the last several being a year or so apart. I can eat after the 3 days with just a few food restrictions for a few weeks. Tomatoes are actually my biggest food allergy!

 
Old 08-20-2007, 04:55 AM   #15
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Re: Here we go again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
CDE, this is great news!!!!!!!

My shots are only every two months for now but I should be able to start spreading them out here after this 5th shot or the next. You only need about 18 shots total, the last several being a year or so apart. I can eat after the 3 days with just a few food restrictions for a few weeks. Tomatoes are actually my biggest food allergy!
So does it mean we cant eat together then??? I use tomatos very often for my cooking... What else you are not suppose to eat? I am just being a bit nosy here...

The weather is nice here, maybe I will go for a walk in a bit... I am starting to "smell", like my mum always says, "Kid, go out more or you would start to smell!" Whatever that means... but I dont feel good today... didnt sleep well last night and someone woke me up this morning, damn it...

So what are you up to today? I guess everything is back to normal since your girls are back to school!!!

 
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