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Old 08-17-2007, 11:40 PM   #1
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mcchiwawa HB User
Question why do i feel so alone?

I am lost. so lost. I feel alone even around other people. I feel like a big piece of crap! I cant talk to anyone about it. When im around other people i just act as if i am completely fine yet i self mutilate, and have constant suicidal thoughts. My boyfriend saw the mark on my arm and said it was stupid that the reason i did it wasnt an excuse. But i cant stop. It feels like everytime i try and talk to someone i cant say the right thing, i cant make them understand me. I have been doing that for years now. When i was younger my mother, sister, brothers and me were physically abused by my mom's ex husband. I think uncounciously it has affected me. I cant even make my mother understand what really hurts me. I am always able to talk to her.
I am so unhappy. Everyday i hope its going to get better, i do my best to make it better but everyday it gets worst! The hope kills me. I dont care to die a horrible painful death anymore i just want to be done with it. I feel like i dont even deserve to live nor die. I haven't done anything right with myself and yet all i want to do is help people. Why do i feel like i am TOTALLY different. I feel alone too much. I just dont get it anymore. WHY!!?? why is it that i feel so effen lonely. Does anyone else feel like that.? That no matter what you do or try nothing works. That you have a good attitude on life but at the end of the day nothing has changed? things only got worse? im just going downhill right now. Even after writing all this i still feel like there is something i cant say. something i cant get out. There is something in me that is killing me. If only i knew what it was...
Can anyone tell me?

 
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Old 08-18-2007, 11:59 AM   #2
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nabor4life HB User
Re: why do i feel so alone?

you are not a big piece of crap. i beg you are i fine and beutiful person.
you deserve to life and you deserve to be happy.

is there anybody you can talk to about this feelings? may be you should see a doctor.

 
Old 08-19-2007, 01:18 AM   #3
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positivity17 HB User
Re: why do i feel so alone?

It sounds like you are in a very bad place right now. Is it possible that you can get to see a dr. to address a problem that's been going on for a while now? Can you confide any of your feelings to your mother? I would urge you to get help, it sounds like your situation is worsening and sometimes it's not possible to fix on your own. Feeling suicidal should not be taken lightly, please go to the nearest emergency room if you need to. Post again to let us know how you are doing! Hang in there.

 
Old 08-19-2007, 06:59 AM   #4
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Re: why do i feel so alone?

Hi mcchiwawa, it's almost impossible to convince others of things about ourselves. You know you really do not need the confirmation of others. You don't feel good and you knowing this is all that is needed to know that it is real. I walked this path trying to get others to understand me and no one can really understand you but yourself (but I found I could find others to help me to understand myself).

Do you feel disconnected from others? Maybe talk about your feelings here and it might help you with them so that you don't feel the urge to cut so much? Are you in therapy? You mention all you want to do is help people and you don't do right for yourself. This is probably you just not meeting your own needs. Growing up in your family, the only person's needs who were met were your abuser's. You therefore learned to never meet your own needs and to only tune into the needs of others. (Because you had to constantly be aware of the moods/needs of your abuser).

Yeah, I would think physical abuse would have a huge effect on you, especially your self-worth. Actually it sounds like it was more constant family violence. I'll bet it is hard for your mom to talk about that time in all of your lives. She probably feels a lot of guilt for it and she suffered too. I am really sorry that you had to go through that. You certainly deserved better. Is what you can't get out just pain? Please keep posting.

 
Old 08-19-2007, 10:30 AM   #5
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: why do i feel so alone?

Hi
It is ok to feel the way you do, Mcchiwawa!
Your most vulnerable years, the years you needed the most protection and love have been spent in pain, self loathing and guilt. No wonder you continue to treat yourself the way your animal of a step father has tought you. You just go on and continue what you have learnt.
If only you could stop and think. Do you really want to continue the legacy that *** has started? Do you really feel so worthless because someone else has treated you like you were a piece of s***?You say you do not care to die a horrible death. My God, child, what have they done to you to think you deserve this and to have actually convinced yourself that you can do it?(!!!!!)
Of course you feel different and lonely. Very few people have gone through what you have and therefore ,there are very few people with whom you can relate and make understand the pain you are still feeling and the quilt, that ,somehow, it was all your fault ,or that you could have prevented it from happening and maybe save your siblings but couldn't. That is some very heavy load you are carrying!
Yet, despite all this you say : "all i want to do is help people". That is some courage. This is an indication that deeply burried inside you ,you have a treasure you do not even want to admit to yourself you have, because it will destroy the distorted image of the "no good so and so" you hold for yourself. Yet, if you want to help people it is just fine. Just go out and do it . The smile on their faces will slowly but surely erase the pain and the horrible scars you harbour in your heart. And there will be a time when you go back and think: Why on earth did I feel so worthless? ( I know because this is what has happened to me!)
Please, mcchiwawa, stop and have a quiet moment with yourself. Do you really think you deserve to die because you are indeed the horrible person you think you are? What about your boyfriend? Why do you think he gets mad at you? Isn't it because he completely disagrees that you deserve what you do to yourself? Could he be THAT wrong?
I am certain that you will find that you deserve a lot better THAN YOU THINK. If only you would find it in yourself to speak to a therapist, I am sure you will find that a lot of things will be seen in perspective and you will emerge a lot stronger and happier than you ever think possible. Just do not let the past complete what it has started with you.....
I know I do not have any answers, but I do know that NO ONE DESERVES TO DIE and NO ONE IS AS BAD AS OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
Take care of yourself and keep writing if you want. We are all here for you.

 
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