It is ok to feel the way you do, Mcchiwawa!
Your most vulnerable years, the years you needed the most protection and love have been spent in pain, self loathing and guilt. No wonder you continue to treat yourself the way your animal of a step father has tought you. You just go on and continue what you have learnt.
If only you could stop and think. Do you really want to continue the legacy that *** has started? Do you really feel so worthless because someone else has treated you like you were a piece of s***?You say you do not care to die a horrible death. My God, child, what have they done to you to think you deserve this and to have actually convinced yourself that you can do it?(!!!!!)
Of course you feel different and lonely. Very few people have gone through what you have and therefore ,there are very few people with whom you can relate and make understand the pain you are still feeling and the quilt, that ,somehow, it was all your fault ,or that you could have prevented it from happening and maybe save your siblings but couldn't. That is some very heavy load you are carrying!
Yet, despite all this you say : "all i want to do is help people". That is some courage. This is an indication that deeply burried inside you ,you have a treasure
you do not even want to admit to yourself you have, because it will destroy the distorted image of the "no good so and so" you hold for yourself. Yet, if you want to help people it is just fine. Just go out and do it . The smile on their faces will slowly but surely erase the pain and the horrible scars you harbour in your heart. And there will be a time when you go back and think: Why on earth did I feel so worthless? ( I know because this is what has happened to me!)
Please, mcchiwawa, stop and have a quiet moment
with yourself. Do you really think you deserve to die because you are indeed the horrible person you think you are? What about your boyfriend? Why do you think he gets mad at you? Isn't it because he completely disagrees that you deserve what you do to yourself? Could he be THAT wrong?
I am certain that you will find that you deserve a lot better THAN YOU THINK. If only you would find it in yourself to speak to a therapist, I am sure you will find that a lot of things will be seen in perspective and you will emerge a lot stronger and happier than you ever think possible. Just do not let the past complete what it has started with you.....
I know I do not have any answers, but I do know that NO ONE DESERVES TO DIE and NO ONE IS AS BAD AS OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
Take care of yourself and keep writing if you want. We are all here for you.