I have so much fear in me. Im always so scared and afraid. I shake and twitch nervously. I cant explain this phenomenon happening inside my mind. Anxiety and panic. So deep and rich. So crippling. Uncompromising it seems. I wish i was a strong man. I wish i had nerves of steel. For once Id love to know what being fearless is like. Having the strength to overcome. Ive failed at everything in my life. One by one whatever this condition is has taken away everything. My opputunities. People I love. Chances at happiness. My health. Everything. I feel like my mind is stripped naked. I dont have any dignity or self esteem. My mind is on auto-pilot. I cant seem to even force myself to think positively. Ive left a long trail or mistakes and regrets behind me. Why are the painful memories the ones that are still so fresh in your mind?
I know its nothing out there. Nothing to fear. But my mind wont listen. Do i really have control over this. Can I really win. Can i really live with this contant unbearable anxiety. Im 29 and im losing my hair, i have an ulcer, and im on blood pressure medication. All because my anxiety and stress just wont subside. I cant never forgive myself for not doing something sooner. But how can you fight something that can eat someones mind. Chew on you self esteem, and swallow your happiness whole. Whatever it is its spread to every corner of my brain. I cry everyday. Because im afraid of a million things. I cant seem to escape it. I remember 5 years ago i was on this same board, basically saying the same thing. I am a broken record thats been playing way too long. I dont even know why I bother to even type this tonight. Nothing can ever change for me.
I cant even do the basic things in life to function. Ive tried to accept my condition. But more and more I just find myself being the only one making compromises. Ive taken so many different medications and treatments. Some things you cant cure, I know. But some things you cant live with either. Waking up every day is the hardest part. Because even a nightmare couldnt compare to the real thing. How can someone live like this. Is there anything worse. When you get to this point you start believing and irrational things like your possessed by some supernatural force. I actually believe that if there is a hell, im probably there now. I wouldnt be surprised of that. I must have did something bad in a previous life.
So many of you on here are so much more stronger than I am. Im glad it doesnt take everyone. I can feel ok to know it doesnt always win. I guess I caught the baddest part of it. Or maybe im just the weakest host. Its sucked the life out of me. I cant control my anxiety and stress. And its slowly killing me each day. Every time I go to the doctor the news gets worse. And I cant stop it. Its like sinking in quicksand and noone is around to help you. And the worse thing isnt dying. Its waiting to die. This condition has taken away all my hope. And most importantly and devastating to me is that it took away the person i love the most. Its hard to live down all the mistakes and failures ive made. And relive all the moments of truth in your past. If I only showed courage that one moment when I had a chance maybe things would be different. The only thing worse than a coward, is someone like me. What i would give for the chance to be normal. Cos in this world, only the strong truly survive.