It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Depression Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-18-2007, 09:54 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
What Causes This?

Hello everyone.

As far back as I can remember, I've always had a bit of a problem with feeling inadequate and such. When younger, I used to have suicidal thoughts (and came close to almost going through with it twice, but both times backfired; I tried to OD, but my body rejected the pills [I have a strong immune system ^^], the other time, I got distracted...I wanted to just stab myself, but couldn't bring myself to, because I heard someone coming), but I no longer have that, thank god. I know I'm here for a reason...just don't know what yet and I believe that no person has the right to "play god" and that you'll go when it's meant for you to. Logic must've overplayed that desire to "die", even though, I will admit, that I used to pray hard for death, but that's all in the past.

Now that I'm older, I do seem to stay depressed constantly (for no reason, too), and no matter what, I always feel "alone", even though I have family and stuff around me almost constantly and they're all supportive of me and stuff. I hate this feeling of being alone and being depressed constantly. Even when around others, I get this feeling. For the past two years, I went to Ohio for an anime convention, and to meet up with a couple of online buddies I'd been chatting with since about 1999 or 2000. They're very fun, but even though I was hanging out with them and my cousin, I was depressed the majority of the time, and felt "alone", like always.

I can't really talk to my mother about this problem, because I know how she is. She believes that if one has stuff to be thankful for, then one doesn't have any reason to be depressed, especially when there are people who have real problems in the world, like those who are poor, or really sick, etc. I actually agree with her. I count my blessings, but, as I pointed out, I'm like this for no reason at all.

Currently, I'm out of work, but, in a way, I doubt it's the cause of the depression, only because I am getting unemployment wages, and I'm sure I'll have a job way before that runs out, even if it's a temp job.

Okay, ignoring the job thing, what causes this? What causes one to feel so alone? All my life I've felt this way and it's becoming a bit annoying as I'm getting older. Any suggestions as to what could cause this?

I already have an idea what the solution is....go see a doctor, but, I'm a bit scared of doing that. I don't want to be prescribed anti-depressants or something, especially with all the side effects most medications have now-a-days. Knowing my luck, I'd get all of them. Seems to be the case with any other medication I've taken (Nexium, Glucophage, etc.)

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-19-2007, 11:58 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

jup, have you ever felt like you connected to anyone in your life?

 
Old 08-19-2007, 02:31 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Thinking about it, I don't really think so. I don't think I ever had. I could "relate" to some people, you know, like when it comes to a hobby, or maybe share a view, but not necessarily that person, ya know? Why do you ask?

 
Old 08-20-2007, 09:24 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

I think we learn how to connect to people from that first relationship that we have with our parents. If our parents didn't do a good job connecting with us then it makes it more difficult down the line. I think that it is something that can be learned, however.

 
Old 08-20-2007, 11:27 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Apple Valley, MN, USA
Posts: 21
prklamert HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
I think we learn how to connect to people from that first relationship that we have with our parents. If our parents didn't do a good job connecting with us then it makes it more difficult down the line. I think that it is something that can be learned, however.
I've never heard it put that way but that makes sense completely with my experience.

I've always just been told it is a chemical imbalance and I tried a ton of anti-depressants while I was in high school and none of them worked for me but I had some awful side effects and some of them made things worse.

Therapy can work for some people and not all psychologists/pyschiatrists/pyscotherapists will push drugs. I completely understand your apprehension to anti-depressants.

And if you are anything like me, finally connecting with someone who really cares about you might even fix the problem. Although my depression sometimes still comes back at times but nothing like it once was.

And I know completely how you feel. I used to be feel so alone even when I was surrounded by people who cared about me (although had never completely connected with me).

 
Old 08-20-2007, 02:56 PM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Well, when I was younger, I guess I had a "connection" with my parents, as they've always been there and stuff.

Thinking back now, though, it seems when I turned 10 was where that feeling of "being alone" seemed to be pretty much dominant for me. I would hate to think that my parents couldn't or didn't connect with me. They always spent time with me when I was young and always was active in my life, like attending school functions if it called for it.

Could there be another reason? I grew up as an only child, so I've always been pretty much by myself in that regard. I always had my parents and grandmother around, even now (we all live together).

I never had too many friends when growing up. It was rare that I had one. I usually just ended up being around my family.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 06:13 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Jup, I think that people can go through the motions but still not connect. Connecting with someone is pretty "high tech" socially speaking. Many of our parents have issues which keep them from really connecting with others/us. Do you feel that you really connected to your parents?

I have also really worked with my children in order for them to connect with their peers. My oldest daughter was very shy and I had to work with her (taking her to play groups as a toddler, talking with her about issues with her friends - things that I saw and things that she would tell me. I volunteer in their class rooms every year so that I can see them "in action" and I can get to know their peers). This is a lot of work and I am very focused (of course it is one of those "My children will not suffer from what I suffered from"). I suffered a lot growing up and I'm probably doing too much for my children now. Anyway, the effort that I am putting up, I don't think that a lot of parents have the time for it or the skills.

I had to learn social skills as an adult and I am very vigilant at teaching these to my children. I think that a lot of people can grow up and miss the boat on that social development because they didn't know how or what was going on and they were not taught. I see it in our neighbor's child who is my child's friend. Her mother was teased and I guess really never fit in. We have known these neighbors for years. I see her mother not teaching her valuable things about socializing because she simply just doesn't have the skills herself. This girl is getting teased now just like the mom. The mom tells her to avoid these people. I totally disagree with this route and have sort of told her my opinion when she has brought this up to me. I think the girl needs to be taught empowerment (standing up for herself), social skills, and to lighten up when she is teased. I would love to teach this girl these things.

Last edited by Sannah; 08-21-2007 at 06:19 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 07:35 AM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Jup, I think that people can go through the motions but still not connect. Connecting with someone is pretty "high tech" socially speaking. Many of our parents have issues which keep them from really connecting with others/us. Do you feel that you really connected to your parents?
I'm not entirely sure. Sorry for answering in this way...I just never really thought about it. Maybe I was going through the motions. I get along with my parents fine. They always took time out for me when I was younger and stuff. Before my family moved to where we are now, mom spent the most time with me, and after the move, my father did. In New York, I spent more time with my father because my mom worked and my dad always had "night jobs" or "evening jobs" to compensate.

Out of curiosity, how do you know if you "connect" with your parents?
Quote:
I have also really worked with my children in order for them to connect with their peers.
I know for a fact that I've never really connected with my peers. I usually kept to myself when a bit older. I'd say about 8 and up (it was when we moved, so I had to get to know people again). Prior to that, I was a bit more outgoing.
Quote:
My oldest daughter was very shy and I had to work with her (taking her to play groups as a toddler, talking with her about issues with her friends - things that I saw and things that she would tell me. I volunteer in their class rooms every year so that I can see them "in action" and I can get to know their peers). This is a lot of work and I am very focused (of course it is one of those "My children will not suffer from what I suffered from"). I suffered a lot growing up and I'm probably doing too much for my children now. Anyway, the effort that I am putting up, I don't think that a lot of parents have the time for it or the skills.
Wow, that's nice of you to do that. My parents wouldn't have had the time for that. They had to work. I seemed to get all that time from them before I started school. I was never in a toddler group, not that I recall. I did have to go to Nursery School when I was 4, because my mom had to work and my father did, and no one could take care of me at that time during the day. I know I cried the first day when mom left me, but I got over it really fast. Mom did tell me that I always was a bit independent, as I always tried to do things on my own and rarely cried over anything, even as a baby.
Quote:
I had to learn social skills as an adult and I am very vigilant at teaching these to my children. I think that a lot of people can grow up and miss the boat on that social development because they didn't know how or what was going on and they were not taught.
Well...my mother always had her sisters. I think she was a bit of a loner too, iirc. She wasn't the social type, according her younger sisters. She would sit around and read all the time...oh, and boss them around, since she was the oldest. lol Even now, she goes to work, talk to her coworkers and then come home. I don't feel she considers them "friends", but just acquaintances. When she first met dad, though (late teens), she had to have been somewhat social. She said that they used to hang out with others all the time.

As for my father, he has friends. He seems more social compared to mom. Even though he can't hang out with his old buddies, since he moved from his hometown, he still keeps in touch with them and they all still talk.

As for myself, I guess I never learned how to be social, since I always entertained myself. I just accepted that. I was often ignored by my peers anyway. I never went to parties (never invited) or sporting games or pep rallies when in school. Until it became mandatory to go to them in high school, I used to sit in the library for pep rallies. I didn't have that luxury my senior year. The librarian that used to work there left. She used to let me in there and get away with taking the newspaper home and stuff, because I hung around there enough and she knew me. I didn't even need a pass to be in there. The new librarian wouldn't allow that.
Quote:
The mom tells her to avoid these people.
Mom used to tell me that if someone bothers you, just ignore the person. You know, "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" or whatever, but she also told me that if someone hurts me, not to allow that and to tell on the person. I usually just fought the person (always with boys too...I never got into a physical fight with a girl when I was a kid). That aside, I guess I really haven't connected to a peer. I don't think I've ever had a real friend, just classmates and acquaintances.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 07:50 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Jup, how about everything was fine with you and your family until you moved? You were sadder after the move because your parents were less available? And like you said you had to start over getting to know people. Sounds like you did connect with your parents but then life got busy and the connections just weren't kept up? It does sound like you didn't get the direction that you needed with social development. Maybe because you didn't tell your parents and/or they were too busy to notice? People do have to work. I am very fortunate that I have the time to devote to my kids. If I had to work I would certainly have less time for them. Of course again this is my past telling me that my children will never suffer what I suffered.

Ignoring your teasers is different than avoiding them. Avoiding is running which does not build up your feelings of strength/power. Ignoring teasers is a very powerful thing to do. It takes a lot of strength.

Being a single child didn't give you a lot of practice with peers either. After my second child was born this helped my daughter immensely with her skills in interacting with others.

You can learn all of this okay!

 
Old 08-21-2007, 08:36 AM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Jup, how about everything was fine with you and your family until you moved? You were sadder after the move because your parents were less available?
Well, there was always the weekend...if that counts. I did get more homework when we first moved over here since I started up 3rd grade. It'd take me the entire evening to finish it up...causing me to miss The Disney Afternoon shows sometimes.

I wasn't really sad, I just didn't like the move and had to adjust to it.

As for the other thing you mentioned, I guess they didn't notice since I was always good at "wearing a mask". I never talked about it with them, since I always felt that if I complain about anything, I'd only be a problem or a nuisance. I always had this problem. I always felt like I would only bother people.

Something else...I always had this thing about not wanting people to spend money on me. I don't know where this perceptionc ame from.

Mom was scolding me a bout that the other day. She always had to twist my arm, just to find out what I wanted for Christmas, since I'd rarely ask for anything. This goes along with my not wanting to be a bother.
Quote:
Ignoring your teasers is different than avoiding them. Avoiding is running which does not build up your feelings of strength/power. Ignoring teasers is a very powerful thing to do. It takes a lot of strength.
Yeah. I exercised that when in high school, and my last year of middle school. Prior to that, I'd just fight anyone who bothered me first or anyone who'd touch me, hit me, etc. No one bothered me once they knew I'd fight them.
Quote:
Being a single child didn't give you a lot of practice with peers either. After my second child was born this helped my daughter immensely with her skills in interacting with others.
You know, my mother said that she wished she could've had another child, but said that they probably wouldn't have been able to afford having more than one. They didn't know about colleges and such when I was young. To this day, mom still says she wish she and dad could've afforded for me to go to better schools so that I could've gotten into a decent university and developed better studying habits. This was also something they didn't know of. They figured that all public schools taught all students equally...not that some public schools didn't teach as well as other ones...in other words, the schools on the west end (where we lived before the move) were better than the ones of the east end.

There was a private school here that my parents wanted me to go to when I finished elementary, but, I couldn't go. I tested into the school fine, and decent scores, but, my parents couldn't afford the tuition, so I had to stick with public.

Something just came to mind...the connection thing with my parents.

I was born in New York. My mom is from Virginia, dad's from New York. In 1984, my parents decided to move back down to Virginia, since mom didn't want me raised up there.

When moving down here, it was just my father and me. We lived with my grandmother (my mother's mother) and my aunt (my mom's youngest sister; she was still in high school). Mom had to finish working out her remaining time at her job, and she came down later.

My father, had to live in Richmond to find work (my grandmother lived in Crewe, Virginia...it's a little over an hour away). My mother had to at one point too, so I was only seeing my parents once or twice a week since they couldn't afford to make that commute back and forth in an unreliable car everyday.

Maybe the "connection" broke then. Maybe I started having trouble with people then because of the sudden break away from my parents. I don't know how long this went on, but to a kid that's three/four years old, it probably seemed like a really long time. I was the only child around, 'cept for my older cousin who lived in the neighboring county (he had five years on me) and then my mom's other sister moved back down from New York with her newborn (three years under me), but she was a baby. I couldn't play with her much, and she got on my nerves anyway. We were never close, but we're okay presently now that we're adults.

Anywho, think this could possibly be the cause of my problem?

Last edited by ssjup81; 08-21-2007 at 08:40 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 08:46 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ssjup81 View Post
I guess they didn't notice since I was always good at "wearing a mask". I never talked about it with them, since I always felt that if I complain about anything, I'd only be a problem or a nuisance. I always had this problem. I always felt like I would only bother people.

Something else...I always had this thing about not wanting people to spend money on me. I don't know where this perceptionc ame from.

I was only seeing my parents once or twice a week since they couldn't afford to make that commute back and forth in an unreliable car everyday.

Maybe the "connection" broke then.

So you didn't want to trouble anyone. I was the same way. Do you think that that break with your parents affected you? Did the relationship with your parents change after that and never recover completely? I could see how not wanting to trouble anyone could cause you to not connect with them because you might be bothering them then. When your parents got busy you must have thought you would be bothering them.

Last edited by Sannah; 08-21-2007 at 08:51 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 09:04 AM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
So you didn't want to trouble anyone. I was the same way. Do you think that that break with your parents affected you? Did the relationship with your parents change after that and never recover completely?
Well, not entirely sure. I can't truly remember since it was so long ago, although, my mother said that I never cried when they went away, not that she remembers.

I did have my aunt and grandmother....although, my grandmother wasn't a very good babysitter. She never paid me any mind and my aunt was busy with her own things.

I think the problem, now that I'm really thinking about this (which I thank you for) is the fact that I've grown to be too self-reliant. I've always entertained myself, kept to myself, depended on myself, etc., that I don't know how to get out of it, therefore, probably makes me feel alone since I never connected to anyone, due to the stuff mentioned. I don't know how to connect to anyone, since for the entirety of my life, I've always been antisocial. I don't even have any "off-line" friends, technically. I have a boyfriend now, but I don't even feel fully connected to him. I still don't feel comfortable discussing everything about myself with him. Think that could be it?
Quote:
I could see how not wanting to trouble anyone could cause you to not connect with them because you might be bothering them then. When your parents got busy you must have thought you would be bothering them.
That could be it too...

 
Old 08-21-2007, 09:13 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Do you feel that you were abandoned by your parents? It didn't help that your grandmother and aunt didn't pay much attention to you. I could see how this would cause you to be self-reliant and closed off. I know that I was this way and looking back I think that I did it because I didn't trust anyone. Maybe you were hurt by this abandonment and by deciding to become self-reliant you were going to guarantee that you would never be hurt again?

Yes, digging into this stuff is extremely helpful isn't it! IMO this self-understanding to how you got to where you are is the only way to get better!

I stopped being so self-reliant just by recognizing that I was and that I wasn't relying on others. When a time would come where I could rely on someone I did it because then I understood why I wasn't doing it before. Understanding stopped the automatic reflex to just do it like I always did. This also goes along with the trust issue. Just recognizing that you have a reflex to not trust from long ago will help you to change.

Last edited by Sannah; 08-21-2007 at 09:14 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 09:33 AM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Do you feel that you were abandoned by your parents?
I don't think I feel that way. I knew they were coming back, even if it was just for a couple of days out of the week.
Quote:
It didn't help that your grandmother and aunt didn't pay much attention to you.
Ironically, my grandmother has always been that way. My aunt used to say that aside from the youngest of them, they always had to watch themselves. My mom said that me and my other cousin (three years younger) were pretty much raised like they were. My grandmother paid more attention to her stories than she did to me or my cousin.

When we were older, and we all lived in Richmond, and our parents were working, she would watch us, but, she favored the youngest so much, me and my other cousin were "latchkey kids". One time comes to mine where she was a kindergartner while I was a third grader. Compared to the cousins under us, we always had to rely on ourselves in this regard. The only thing that sucks, is that that aunt didn't work and had (at the time) two kids, and yet, my grandmother would be late getting back home to us, where she was truly needed. We would have to wait outside for her and stuff. At one point, when I was a sixth grader, I got fed up and told my mother to just get me a key because I was sick of standing outside waiting for my grandmother to come home.

As for my aunt, back then, she was still in school at the time, so I could understand not paying me too much attention.
Quote:
I could see how this would cause you to be self-reliant and closed off.
This might also explain why I'm so emotionally screwed too. As I pointed out before, I never really cried as a child. Even my own mother doesn't remember crying for anything, 'cept for when I was a baby and she said even then, it was always for when I was hungry. Never was because of pain or any other "typical" child or baby things, 'cept for when I had to take those medications whenever I had to get those horrible tubes put into my ears. That hurt so badly I couldn't help but cry.
Quote:
I know that I was this way and looking back I think that I did it because I didn't trust anyone. Maybe you were hurt by this abandonment and by deciding to become self-reliant you were going to guarantee that you would never be hurt again?
Possibly, although, I never felt "hurt". I don't know what I felt, but it's true about the trust thing. I've always had a terrible time trusting people, so I don't let anyone get close to me. It's like I have a big shield up. I had a friend from the sixth grade up until last year. We had a very bad argument and went our separate ways. Personally, I felt under appreciated and stuff by him and he was a major cause of my depression, I just didn't let him know that, and pretty much showed this with contempt, more than likely. He also was annoyed with me because I never opened up to him. This is why I said earlier, I've never had a "real friend" and never connected. I guess I didn't feel comfortable enough with him to connect, therefore, I guess I didn't trust him enough for this.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 09:49 AM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: What Causes This?

Jup, your grandmother sounds like my mom and she screwed me up big time! So sounds like you have found a lot of answers here: You need to learn to trust others so that you can open up to them.

You also mentioned on the first post of this thread that you feel inadequate. I had low self-worth because of my neglectful mother. If you are not cared for you feel worthless because otherwise if you would have been worthwhile you would have been cared for! Of course this argument falls flat as an adult because we were ignored because of our caretaker's issues. They weren't thinking for a minute about how valuable we were. They were only thinking of themselves. But as a child this is the conclusion that is reached, that we are worthless.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
What Causes ADHD? addprogrammer ADD / ADHD 1 07-24-2009 09:03 PM
If Neurocardiogenic causes syncope , what causes the horrible cramps and pasting out Hypo-Sharon Brain & Nervous System Disorders 2 06-05-2008 12:59 PM
What symptom causes you the most health anxiety? viktik Menopause 4 03-18-2006 09:11 AM
what happens cutting out all meats? chevyman Weight Loss 35 03-13-2006 07:52 PM
Oh my god...Some please tell me what just happened!!! URGENT DarkChange Heart Disorders 26 12-19-2005 11:34 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added











All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:42 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!