Well I did it, I went to work today. Three months and four days after I last walked out knowing I probably wouldn't be back any time soon. I started dreading it a couple of weeks ago until I remembered I was going back part time at first. So last night I was actually feeling good about it because I knew I would only be there half the day and I wouldn't be going back tomorrow (I'm there half days M/W/F this week). That really helped my outlook on the whole process. I wasn't even stressed about it. I did take half a clonazepam but I only did that to make sure I got some sleep. I always have trouble sleeping when I have a major schedule change of any kind, and I guess going back to work qualifies. I still woke up a bit early but I feel rested.
I highly recommend going back part time at first to anyone, provided your situation allows it.
Anyway I was worried everyone would be all over me asking personal questions, but that didn't happen. Everyone welcomed me back and said they were really glad to see me, but that's it. And if I started having negative thoughts about anything, like worrying what they were thinking I stopped myself and told myself I had to do it for my health and that's more important than what everyone thinks.
So this first day was spent just finding out what has been going on and checking my e-mails. I had 360 e-mails in my in box.
So far it's been a good experience. I feel positive and have actually gotten my confidence back. I actually haven't had any confidence for a couple of years, so that feels really good!
I WAS NEVER HAPPIER TO READ A POST ON HERE. I'm so glad that your first day back was such a positive experience, you have a great attitude Willow!! And you deserve to feel confident in yourself!! Good luck with all those e-mails....
Was wondering what you are doing tomorrow with your free time??
Last edited by positivity17; 08-20-2007 at 11:54 PM.
Hi cat willow!
This is really some good news! Cogratulations!
It is amazing what a change of scene does to people like us who have depression!
Your effort to ignore harmful thoughts is a very special and important step as well.
Thanks for your comments everyone. Tonight I feel a little bit anxious, but I'm just going to flow with it. I'll probably never get totally rid of it.
Today I did 30 min on my stair climber and an hour of yoga (60 min). Then I did some shopping. Tomorrow it's just another half day. Did I mention that I'm glad that I agreed to start with this half day thing?
Willow, hope the 2nd day back is just as positive for you!! How are you handling conversations with your co-workers? Is there anyone at the job that you have a personal relationship with? I really hope the anxiety lessens as you get back into your routine. Was wondering what time of the day do you meditate if you have a particular time that is. I am planning to go to yoga on Thurs, you really help to motivate me especially when I tell you that I'm going to do something, it makes me stick to my word. Today I joined the gym and after 1/2 hour on the elliptical machine I felt great getting all sweaty, I'm making a committment to myself to go at least 3 times weekly. And luckily enough I have 2 friends to do the buddy system with, this always helps to stay consistent.
It is rainy this whole week which I find depressing b/c summer will be ending shortly. I'm trying my best to find more good things about the up and coming winter months, (fall is lovely though) attitude is everything so I'm determined not to be so negative about it. Look forward to your response!! Take care!
I've been taking it really slow at work. Next week I'm there every day, but just for half the day. I do have a couple of friends at work who know everything, and my boss and manager do and they've been pretty supportive. Except my manager just tried putting pressure on me to finish my filing (which is way behind because we've been so busy) by the end of August. I said it would be difficult because I'm not sitting at my desk right now and she said I could move back. I just put her off by saying I would get started but I wouldn't be done by the end of the month. If she says anything again I'll remind her that I'm not back full time and one of the conditions of me coming back is that I'm able to sit in the back away from reception for the first two weeks. Some issues have been coming up with personnel which I haven't dealt with yet, but they haven't panicked me like they would have before.
There is a job posting working for one of the Vice President's. I have expressed interest in doing that in the past, but now I just don't know if I want to. A lot of my problem is my attitude due to my depression and now that I'm feeling better I really don't know if I want to change jobs. I may not be a supervisor in that job, but it would probably have more stress considering I would be working for a hospital executive instead of just a department head. Plus the timing is wrong. The deadline is the end of next week and I'm not even back to full time yet. Anyway, I'll see how I feel about it next week. Where I'm feeling good now I really don't want to do anything to mess that up, at least until I have a couple of strong months under my belt. Anyone have any thoughts?
I meditate early in the morning with no exceptions, especially before work. But lately I've been doing it 2 or 3 times a day, plus yoga a few times a week. I find it does wonders for me.
Good for you for getting to the gym. It really does make a difference.
Hey Willow, Good to hear from you and also that the work situation is working out okay except for a little stress from one person. It's probably helpful that some people know your situation and are supportive of you, as for applying for that other position, I agree with you that the timing is not the best but it probably can't hurt either way. I've always worked for 2 VP's and depending on the individual it is a busy job to have. Hope you get into a nice groove with working!
I'm just in the door from my sister's house, we went out to dinner with my mom who is visiting for 2 days from Arizona, I was completely manic, my bro-in-law was hung over and both of us were in a very peculiar mood. I can honestly say it made for an interesting night. Neither myself nor my sis have much of a relationship with my mother so we couldn't wait for the day to end and I hate to say it but I hope the 2 days go by quickly. Since I've never had a relationship with her growing up, it's rather difficult to "make up for lost time" and she has the personality of an inanimate object.
I am suddenly unable to keep my eyes open, only 3 hours sleep in 2 days is not enough, I'm going to crash and wake early. Be in touch soon!!
Last edited by positivity17; 08-26-2007 at 08:26 PM.
I hope your two days have gone by quickly. I don't really have a lot of news except that I saw my doctor today and she's pleased with my progress. I mentioned about the other job and that I had my doubts about applying seeing that I haven't even gotten back to work full time yet. She agreed that I probably should see if I can still function fully in the job I have before I try to start learning a new one.
The personnel issues that always stress me out so much are starting up already, but I'm not as freaked out about them as I used to get. I'm tired of worrying that everyone is going to hate me. They can either learn to deal with it or go work somewhere else. I'm going to do what is best for the clinic overall and not worry about if they are ****** at me. I'm no longer sacrificing my mental health for anyone, and I mean anyone. I said something similar in another post. It's firey05's thread on depression/intermittant explosive disorder. I mention an issue I'm having with a depressed friend.
Anyway, hope your visit is going ok. I'm having trouble staying caught up because I tend not to spend as much time on the computer if I've been working. I'm better on the weekends, although I'm going to be away this coming weekend.
Hi Willow, Still trying to get back on schedule and not very successful so far. Not a whole lot going on with me, dr. appt's and therapy, made it to the pool today for a couple of hours, spent some time with a couple of girlfriends, also cleaned house a bit. It can be tricky business keeping up with these posts and lately my mind is all over the place and spinning so much that it's difficult to concentrate. I hope all is well on your end, you sound better all the time and I'm very excited for you. Any changes with your meds? I'm up early tomorrow so I shall end now. Till next time...
If you saw my other post you'll know I've been very cranky lately. It just hit me that we both are having a bit of a hard time after being away. It just reminds me how much my routine keeps me functioning. I had a great time, I really did, but part of me is almost regretting going away. But we can't stay home all the time forever. I guess it will get easier if we do it more often.
Work sucked this week. I've become really worried that my boss is judging me, even though she has been supportive. And I've been analyzing everything I say and do again. I've taken the clonazepam a few times and I think I will continue taking it on and off until I can function better at work, at least most of the time.
Let me know what you're doing when you have the chance, but don't feel guilty if you feel like you need to stay away from the boards. With my schedule getting busier again and being cranky all week I couldn't keep up either. I was being a bit antisocial, but sometimes I have to.
C- Who am I kidding? It's 6:30 am and I'm wide awake, my friend Jimmy went to the gym at 5 but I don't operate at that hour, it takes me a long, long time. Since I got back from FL my whole schedule is off, I'm eating horribly, sleeping hours--forget about it, it's no wonder I feel like crap. Do you have any idea why you are so cranky, are you able to sit with it and let the answers come? I hope it's not hunger, perhaps you are just beginning a new schedule.
Well I've something to share with you....Last time I went to see my psych he pushed sleeping pills on me, I argued that I didn't want them, he finally broke me down and gave me 10 pills for when I'm so manic and cannot sleep. Well, Wed, Thurs, Fri & Sat I took some to help me sleep (even though I slept through the day --this is why some people like ME shouldn't have sleeping pills). Sunday afternoon I go to an AA meeting and talk with 3 of my girlfriends, one of which says that I should go home and sleep it off. Apparently I wasn't walking too straight, if you know what I mean, staggering is more like it. There was one woman who I've just reached out to b/c she's having a diifficult time making connections....well, don't you know I go home and 20 minutes later there are 3 cop cars and an ambulance courtesy of this woman. She told them that I was suicidal and that I had taken a bunch of pills, what rot....the worst of it is that my landlord who is 80 was on the porch with his sister just in from Australia, nice one, huh? The good news is that they let me leave hospital right away upon seeing that I was okay, but for two days I've been besides myself, so livid that I want to bash this womans head in. So that's the excitment of my day, and now I'm off to get a couple of hours of sleep before my 10:30 meeting.
I hope your cranky self diminishes allowing the spunky self to appear and it would be great if you could figure out what the trigger it. Be in touch soon!
Well you've certainly had an interesting week. I guess your friend was just trying to help, but it sounds like maybe she just jumped to conclusions instead of asking you what was really going on. Have you spoken to her since?
How's your sleep? If you're trying to get back onto schedule maybe you could try hard not to sleep during the day and then you won't need the sleeping pills at night? And even if you do, so what? As long as you're not taking them every single day over a long period you should be ok. I know that sometimes when taking sleeping pills over a few consecutive days, the first day I don't take any there's sort of a rebound effect, and I don't sleep well the first night or two.
Work has been really busy, but I've been coping so far. I'm trying really hard to do my job and not just try to please people all the time. Sometimes it's so automatic though and I hate it.
I think being irritable is a combination of getting used to being back at work and going on that little weekend away. It always takes me time to get used to change. I'm such a routine loving person. Routine makes me happy. I'm not saying I don't like to try new things, but I really like to have all the basics stay the same. I am so glad I didn't drive to Ottawa and back with my friends and their kids. I think I would be insane if I did
I'm up early and doing my laundry and I need to have some breakfast or I'm going to pass out. I really hope you're getting back into some sort of routine too.