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Old 08-21-2007, 01:54 AM   #1
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emptyguy HB User
I feel so empty

Hey, I'm a 21 year old guy that just feels so alone, empty, worthless, etc etc.

I've felt pretty bad for about 4 years now, but it's got to the point where I just feel hollow. I mean before I use to think about how I could die everyday and shed tears but now, nothing, I just don't care enough to even cry! It's like I'm a zombie.

I'm even finding it hard to type this, the feelings are there but the words aren't.

Around what little friends I have (basically none anymore) and family (only really talk to my mum) I'm a pretty cheerful guy, I like to help them with their problems, their hassles but not my own. Even people I hardly know, I love to cheer them up, and not give one thought to myself.

For a long time now I've felt that perhaps I deserve this self hate, I mean I never tried in school, never really took any interests, never tried to live. I have nothing to contribute, nothing to offer except my love, but no one wants love from some apathetic, ugly boy like me.

Only one thing I wanted to experience in my life and that is to be in love, to share my pathetic life with someone special, to do the little things like cuddling, kissing, holding hands.

It's funny, I think love is such an awesome emotion, a powerful feeling, yet I've never felt it, not once. A couple of months ago, I was with a girl, I experienced my first kiss, a first of many things but to her it was only a fling, I was just her toy, yet the sad thing about all that is, I couldn't even get it up to please her! So naturally I was dumped pretty fast.

I have no skills (although I'm trying to work on that, doing a Certificate II in I.T. at an education institution but lacking motivation), no goals, nothing except wasting my days feeling empty and lonely.

Just thought I'd share, since I'm feeling pretty mellow at the moment. I have to say thats the most I've ever written on this. I guess it's good to get it out and stuff.

Thanks for reading. :-)

 
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Old 08-21-2007, 03:33 AM   #2
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: I feel so empty

Hi empty guy!!!
You really sound to me a sensitive and sensible person and not the failure you seem to think you are. And believe me sensitive guys are very rare and very popular with sensible girls... So, you have one point in your favor.
Secondly, you have the maturity to realize that you need an education , a skill in order to do something useful with your life and you go out and do it, despite not really feeling very motivated. This is another positive point in your favor. Stick with this.
Thirdly, you have a mum you can talk to and this is also quite rare among people with depression. So go ahead and utilize this relationship and get as many hugs as you can fit in a ..day!! It should make you feel better!!.
Fourthly and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you have a lot of LOVE to offer people in need. You say so yourself. So, go ahead and give love and you will gradually start to feel really valuable and wanted and appreciated and special; Attributes you do not even remotely think you possess but which you actually exhibit with your desire to help others. As for "Helping yourself" , this is not something that will come to you overnight. It is a desire which will come last of all, AFTER you have learnt to accept yourself as he is, and appreciate WHO YOU ARE. And this will come to you gradually with the appreciation of the people whom you have helped out of sheer LOVE.

As for finding a girl, this will also come naturally in its own time. When you start feeling better about yourself, you will start to hold yourself straight and look people in the eye and be more confident and radiant. Then girls will be attracted to you. No more effort will be required and you should not stress yourself out on this. "Being attractive" does not depend on looks but on character. And you sound very attractive to me.( sorry! I am 46!!! and married!!!)
If I were you, I would talk to my mum and consider seeing a doctor to deal with these feelings of emptyness and self loathing until you are feeling better to start concentrating on yourself and your studies.
Do not lose hope. Keep posting here if you feel like it.
We are here to listen and help you...!! Hugs

 
Old 08-21-2007, 04:11 AM   #3
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Re: I feel so empty

Hey thaliak!

Thanks for the warm words, it's nice to know there are genuinely nice people out there.

Unfortunately my mum lives on the other side of the country. Shes the only family member I really care about, the rest are controlling people. I do call her constantly, but shes got her own stuff to deal with, so I kinda keep it to myself.

I'm actually on anti-depressants and I did start to feel better than I was, but now I just seem to be going down again, only this time, I don't care what happens to me. Also just started seeing a doctor to talk with, so I guess all is not lost at the moment. I'm just sick of all these ups and downs. Happy one minute, straight down the toilet, the next.

Thanks for reading my dribble.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 06:51 AM   #4
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Re: I feel so empty

Hi Empty, what do you think caused your low self-worth? It also sounds like you meet other's needs and not your own. I actually had both of these above problems. The not meeting your own needs now probably occurred because you grew up meeting someone else's needs all the time and no one met yours and you never learned how to meet your own needs. Intimacy problems too. I also had to work on this. I think that low self-worth causes intimacy problems because if you don't feel good about yourself how can you share yourself? I also think that it has something to do with having good boundaries or being able to stand up for yourself. If you cannot stand up for yourself in a relationship then you have trouble trusting someone else. If you cannot trust you cannot be intimate. Please keep posting.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 07:34 AM   #5
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emptyguy HB User
Re: I feel so empty

Hi Sannah!

These past four years, I haven't been living in a very healthy environment, so I've kinda shut myself off from the world. The more time I spent by myself, the more I thought about the past, how I failed at school, failed at socializing (i had friends but anyone could see I was the loser of the group), just didn't have any future plans or goals.

Not only shutting myself off but also other things I did. I was pretty cruel to a dog, I don't really know why, I was just really nasty to this poor innocent dog, I mean he would do his business everywhere in the house, even on the walls, but that still didn't mean I should hit him or push him around. What right do I have to live, when I treat another living, breathing, life like that. Makes me sick.

I guess in the end, I just feel I don't deserve happiness or love, I mean sure I like to help other people with their problems, but maybe it's just a selfish act on my part, maybe I don't truly mean well. Why should I take up space, when a more deserving human could better use it?

That was a downer, I'm sure I'll be forever remembered as a dog basher here now. But hey, I deserve everything I get.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 07:59 AM   #6
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Re: I feel so empty

Empty, you were probably taking your feelings of anger or frustration or whatever, out on that dog. You know now that you shouldn't behave that way and you changed. This is very, very good! Sounds like you were punishing that dog. You are also punishing yourself now for what you feel are misdeeds, mistakes on your part. Did you learn some pretty harsh lessons about punishment? I really dislike what a lot of people learn about punishment. Learning and forgiveness are much more life-affirming beliefs.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 09:29 AM   #7
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emptyguy HB User
Re: I feel so empty

Hey again Sannah,

I knew straight away after it, what I had done was wrong. This happened a couple of years ago, and I have managed to put it behind me, but do I deserve to?

The thing is, I'm not an angry person. I've always been pretty mellow and it takes a lot to rile me up, even more so after the incident. Anger is such a useless and damaging emotion, yet I don't really know why I did it. Around the time, I was moving back and forth, not knowing where I was gonna live, so perhaps I did take my frustrations out on the dog, but that is still no excuse.

That is just one of the guilts/incidents/problems I live with. Most of my other problems ain't that big a deal, when I look back on them (making them up to be bigger than they really were), but I just feel like I'm too far gone now.

Thanks for reading/listening

 
Old 08-21-2007, 09:51 AM   #8
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Re: I feel so empty

So are you going to start forgiving yourself? And you never answered me about what lessons that you learned about punishment? And no one is ever too far gone!

Last edited by Sannah; 08-21-2007 at 09:52 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 10:21 AM   #9
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Re: I feel so empty

Do'h sorry, I tend to forget things when I'm in deep thought mode. haha

I think perhaps maybe I have forgiven myself, but on some deep level I still feel like I don't deserve to.

I know continually punishing myself isn't going to help me move on. Rather than negatively holding onto this punishment, I should be positively learning from my mistake. Punishing does not solve anything, it's just another way of trying to selfishly control the situation around you.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 10:31 AM   #10
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Re: I feel so empty

Quote:
Originally Posted by emptyguy View Post
Punishing does not solve anything, it's just another way of trying to selfishly control the situation around you.
I'm not sure that I understand ^, can you explain more? You still haven't told me what lessons that you learned about punishment while growing up.

Last edited by Sannah; 08-21-2007 at 10:32 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 11:40 AM   #11
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Re: I feel so empty

Well what I mean is, when the dog did his thing, I punished him and told him not to do it, I wasn't in control of the situation, so I had to punish him to gain control/power. That's what I was trying to say. Maybe I'm just looking too much into it. Or confused. Or maybe just both.

I'm not sure what lessons I've learned, I tend to have a hard time putting thoughts into words. What lessons do you think I should have learned? All I know is punishing yourself or others is not the way to solve things and that it's better to forgive yourself then to live with guilt. Sorry I can't really answer it properly.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 11:46 AM   #12
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Re: I feel so empty

Guy, you aren't confused or anything, you just didn't explain it enough for me to understand it and now you did. I understand what you are saying now. About the other question that I had was what lessons did you learn about punishment growing up from people in authority to you (I guess I didn't explain out my question enough!). You just said that punishment is a way to regain power/control. I guess this is what your parents used punishment for then? So when you continue to punish yourself is there something in it about power/control then?

 
Old 08-21-2007, 11:47 AM   #13
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nabor4life HB User
Re: I feel so empty

Quote:
Originally Posted by emptyguy View Post
Well what I mean is, when the dog did his thing, I punished him and told him not to do it, I wasn't in control of the situation, so I had to punish him to gain control/power. That's what I was trying to say. Maybe I'm just looking too much into it. Or confused. Or maybe just both.

I'm not sure what lessons I've learned, I tend to have a hard time putting thoughts into words. What lessons do you think I should have learned? All I know is punishing yourself or others is not the way to solve things and that it's better to forgive yourself then to live with guilt. Sorry I can't really answer it properly.
hey,
may be i am stupid, but i think your dog would not want you to feel bad. dogs are not like that. it would just want you to feel fine. because dogs are very loving and they have big hearts and they forgive.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 12:10 PM   #14
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emptyguy HB User
Re: I feel so empty

Sannah, thanks for explaining it a bit better, now I get it. I know exactly what your talking about, my mum didn't really punish me or anything but I grew up with another family member constantly punishing her daughters, constantly controlling them and I guess when I was younger I didn't know any better.

I guess when I punish myself, it isn't a control issue or anything, I just feel I plain deserve it. There was no reason to act like that, even if outside situations get to you, lashing out is never right.

Hey smeagollives! I know the dog doesn't hold any grudges, if he did who can blame him? I actually see him everyday, hes a pretty happy and hyper poodle, and this may sound silly but I have apologized to him many times.

 
Old 08-21-2007, 12:17 PM   #15
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Therag HB User
Re: I feel so empty

Hi. I don't know what else to say apart from that I can relate to the way you are feeling. I know about shallowness like that girl you talked about. I too seem to attract the wrong kind of girls.

 
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