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Old 08-22-2007, 11:56 PM   #1
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Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Things have been the same since Iíve posted last. Just to recap the last time I was hereÖI downed my bottle of celexa, got into a huge fight with my husband and family, and started to feel hopeless, stupid, worthless, and pretty darned ashamed of myself. Since then it still has been tough. Iím not on medication anymore and the migraines are back, but luckily theyíve tapered to just once a week. The depression is gone, but Iím irritable and anxious three weeks out of the month. Iím still feeling very lonely because my husband has closed up again and put a sort of wall between us and because my family doesnít seem to give a damn about me. Who does everyone run to when they have a problem? Me! Whoís here when I need someone? None of them! So Iíve withdrawn from everyone including the board because I have no more to give right now. Everyone around me thinks that Iím being selfish by not be there for them, but hell, they stress me out! Every day I just want to scream, scream so loud at the top of my lungs and let everything out. I donít even think about my issues anymore and how to make them better. Iím just trying to survive here all by myself living one day at a time. But I feel bad for just disappearing from the board because I do care very much for people here, especially for those with whom I feel Iíve bonded. So just know that Iím still here thinking of you all even though I donít post. Sannah, CarolineÖa heartfelt thanks for remembering and caring.

 
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Old 08-23-2007, 12:23 AM   #2
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

I don't think taking care of yourself is selfish, rather it's very, very important. Mostly for yourself and also for those who look to run to you. Take care of yourself, you deserve it and at the very least the people here will be understanding of you. God Bless.

 
Old 08-23-2007, 09:26 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Dearest Lilme, so glad that you have returned!!!!! The situation that you have described, well I think that we sort of set ourselves up into these situations. Of course you are not to be blamed! You didn't choose the way that you are. You developed this way because of how you were raised/your environment. You had no control over that. Anyway, IMO when we are raised to not meet our own needs this is exactly what we continue to do.

What I found with myself is that I would meet other's needs instead because this was the next best thing. I would not allow myself to meet my own needs because I learned as a child that this would upset my mom. This thought developed in my mind long ago as a child and it was never challenged. Once I understood this, I was finally freed to meet my needs.

So anyway, you set up your life not meeting your needs and just meeting the needs of others and guess what? Everyone gets used to it because this was the deal. This is how it has always been. But you don't need anyone's permission to change this you know. It sounds like guilt is standing in your way here. Everyone is telling you that you are selfish. You need to do what is right for you and not feel guilty about it. Probably some healthy boundaries are in order here?

Now please do not take off and leave again! You worked on a lot of issues here in the past successfully so why should you stop? (Shame?) Oh yeah, you said that you had no more to give. Well, you have our permission just to come here and take, okay!

Last edited by Sannah; 08-23-2007 at 09:29 AM.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 09:07 PM   #4
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Thanks, positivity, for making me feel like I'm not wrong for needing my own space.

Sannah, I don't have the energy to chat now, but I wanted to thank you. Lately I've been needing comfortable silence...you know, like when someone is right next to you being there but saying nothing. At this moment you are this for me. Thank you so much.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 09:39 PM   #5
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Hey Catherine...
I'm glad to see you back hon.....
I can tell you're in a rough place still, but you know, you're alot like me girl.
You are the peacemaker by the sounds of it of your family....and everyone else's needs come first. Not sure if you've read any of my posts, but Catherine I have the exact same problem. I spin my wheels every day to the point of exasperation, trying to do the impossible. To please everyone....to try and meet "their" needs, just for the day to go "peacefully". The funny thing is I am going nowhere.....it's all for nothing. Because at the end of the day, it means nothing to them, all my efforts. And as a result some days I feel invisible in my own family, after day after day of pure exhaustion trying to make life "ok" for all of them. Its wrong...wrong that I do this....I know this. I know all the reasons "why" I do it....and I know what I have to do in order to change it, but for some reason, I just cant seem to. The only thing I achieve is to get angry at myself...and allowing myself to be "last" in line in my family just chips away at my self-respect, you know? So I've said all that to say this......I know how it feels...to feel like you give so much, and get nothing in return from the people who are supposed to care the most. That wall with your husband.....I have one of those too. It gets higher every day....
Anyways, as this is my predicament also, I cant exactly give you any advice hon, other than to say "I understand".....sigh....... and you can vent to me anytime girl!!!
Love, Caroline xo
P.S. I hope you'll keep posting...you're really valued here lilme!!!!!

Last edited by mary09; 08-27-2007 at 09:44 PM.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 09:41 PM   #6
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
......when we are raised to not meet our own needs this is exactly what we continue to do.
Ah Sannah....aint that the truth.......

 
Old 08-27-2007, 10:18 PM   #7
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Ahhh, kids are sleeping, I have some quiet time to think...

Care, you understand where I'm coming from. I've been trying to please my kids and husband, and then my extended family, to the point of exhaustion. But unlike you where you get angry at yourself, I get angry at everyone around me. Now I am such a basketcase and so very irritable. Every morning, I wake up in a vigilant state of mind where I'm waiting for the worst thing to happen at any second. I'm freaking out and feel so out of control...I need all the lists to be done: the market, house chores, bills, etc, so that I can be ready and prepared for the next family catastrophe. But when everything is under control and taken care of, I am hyper alert of everything around me and am anxiously waiting for the next problem to be solved. What is wrong with me? I've never felt this way before and I am puzzled. I try to look for answers in my past, but see nothing.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 10:32 PM   #8
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Hey Catherine...
It sounds like you're on "autopilot"....that's how I describe myself these days. I just go about my day on everyone else's timetable...follow their routines, and get maybe a few moments to myself at the end of the day if I'm lucky.
For sure, I also get irritable too....you may be irritable "outwardly"....and I am irritable "inwardly"...but either way, it's enough to make you want to jump out of your own skin sometimes. Sometimes these days, I feel like I'm going to have panic attacks because I keep my anger for other people bottled up inside me.....
I see that you're kind of doing the same....you're on autopilot....always taking care of things...all the daily grind, the problems...it can be exhausting Catherine....and when you feel like all your efforts are not appreciated....it makes you feel undervalued by your family....and that starts to affect the way you feel about yourself.....and that can end up being your problem......it's almost simple in a way. It sucks that other peoples behaviour can have such an effect on us....and I guess we in a way let that happen....but sometimes, its just so hard to change. Sadly, it's easier to go on as usual....I dont know these days either hon......but I do know a bit of what you're going through you know?
Take a deep breath now since your kids are sleeping and take some time for yourself. I'm heading to bed now....so hopefully will chat with you tomorrow.
You make sure to come back okay????

Caroline xo

 
Old 08-28-2007, 07:30 AM   #9
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Hey Lilme and Caroline -

Lilme, I remember when I needed everything under control. I needed the house clean and in order and everything needed to be done or I felt on edge. I think that it goes back to "if everything is under control then everything will be okay". I put my husband and kids through some stress because of this need of mine! Well, once I dealt with my anxiety I don't do this anymore. We came back from a 2 week vacation this month and I sat in a dirty and unorganized house for over a week while I got the kids ready for school, etc. I thought back on how I would have handled this years ago! Anyway, you will figure this out and it is so good to hear from you again....... You say that you have never been this way before. I was talking with I think Amber here and I realized with myself that my anxiety increased as I gained more control over my life. Before I realized that I had any control over my life I don't think that I was anxious at all. As I started fixing things and gaining more control then the anxiety increased.

Caroline, you will resolve this too! You certainly have everything figured out. It seems like you are sitting on the fence gathering your courage?

 
Old 08-28-2007, 10:40 AM   #10
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Sannah, I think this is it...control. Let's see, let me explore...

The more responsibilities I have, the more I need to have everything planned and done. I didn't used to be this way. I was such a spontaneous person growing up and my husband's control and responsibility over things was one of the reasons I fell for him...he gave me a sense of security. Even with how he was, I didn't mind about how messy the house was or whether all the errands were done until about when my youngest was born. I think the unhappiness with my husband and daughter made me be an extra perfectionist when my son was born...I was going to do it perfect this time and we were all going to be happy...I have control over everyone's happiness because I was the reason my husband and daughter was unhappy...and this time this family is going to be great because everything depends on how well I take care of things.

My skin crawled when you said you left the travel mess alone while you took care of the kids' business with school. That nearly made me get up and start tidying the house, which is always the first thing I do every morning except for this morning as I went straight to the computer this time after sitting my kids down to breakfast. Funny thing that I just realized in this moment...I don't care how messy the house is after the kids fall asleep. I wonder what that means.

Well, thank you once again, Sannah. My doctor wants to put me on zoloft to help with my anxiety and irritability particularly before and during my period. But I am resisting it tremendously. I'm going to try to beat this thing in my head, especially now since my depression is gone. Also, I think a big reason for my heightened anxiety is the move to another state, the issues with the house there and the house here, the kids' school situation (private vs. public and they just tested highly gifted; should they change schools midyear or start now but be without their dad), and finances, plus other drama in my family and in my husband's family...lot's of stuff going on.

This conversation has been very revealing for me. Thank you both for seeing what I couldn't see and for giving me a starting point. Care, thank you for not retracting your hand when I wouldn't take it. I feel so much better reaching out. Thanks.

~cat

 
Old 08-28-2007, 10:58 AM   #11
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Wow, Lilme, you are amazing how you put info to use. I could have never sorted out my issues without a therapist or me finding this psych info that helped me make sense out of my feelings/thoughts/actions. You go girl!!!!! And don't be a stranger if you need us again!

 
Old 08-28-2007, 01:17 PM   #12
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

I think the unhappiness with my husband and daughter made me be an extra perfectionist when my son was born...I was going to do it perfect this time and we were all going to be happy...I have control over everyone's happiness because I was the reason my husband and daughter was unhappy...and this time this family is going to be great because everything depends on how well I take care of things.

hey lilme,
we're both back on; welcome! been thinking about you!!

while reading through the posts, i wanted to write somthing similar to what you wrote up there, bec. i saw that the last "problem" you had was basically with your hubby. and you did mention in your first post on this threat that he put up a wall between you two again. well, besides your family's problems and his family's problems, the main prob. is still this one--bet. you and him (only my opinion). see, he expects you to be perfect, and you act accordingly, to please him. no wonder the increased anxiety.... what if something is not done? what if i missed something today? what if i don't seem/sound "happier," "better" today--what will he do/say?

i may be waaaay off mark here, but this is just my interpretation, and i'm sorry if i've said anything at all offensive.

however, like others have said, you DO sound a bit more positive. please take care of your body and your mind.

i don't know if i asked you this, but why don't you want to go on a med, if it will help you feel better? just wondering.

hugs to you,
D.
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 08-28-2007, 08:59 PM   #13
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Hey D. glad you're back, too. Girl please, don't apologize. Y'all know that I am open to any interpretation of my issues. The more feedback I can get, the more ways I can develop to solve these problems. So don't apologize, k?

You are right in that I have a problem with my husband. You see, the two issues I have of pleasing people and of keeping things under control are separate but very closely intertwined. Making my loved ones happy is under my control, right? Wrong! I have to lay off the need for control. I think that once I overcome this, then I will realize that it's not my responsibility to make everyone happy because I have no control over everyone else's fate.

I was thinking all day (something that I haven't done since I was last active here about a month ago) about the realizations I made last night and I am stumped as to where I should even begin letting go of control. I did it before and I was at peace, so why can't I do it again? Very frustrating, but eventually I'll get there.

As for meds, you know how I feel about medication. It's what I owe my life to for getting me out of depression. But when I was depressed, I felt like I was drowning and very helpless. In the case of my anxiety now, I feel like I can overcome it if I work hard enough on my issues. Hey D, come to think of it...maybe my anxiety replaced my depression, chemically speaking? Hmmm, something for me to think about.

So how've you been?? I'll stop by your place and say hi...

 
Old 08-29-2007, 06:01 AM   #14
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Quote:
Originally Posted by justlilme View Post
the two issues I have of pleasing people and of keeping things under control are separate but very closely intertwined. Making my loved ones happy is under my control, right? Wrong! I have to lay off the need for control. I think that once I overcome this, then I will realize that it's not my responsibility to make everyone happy because I have no control over everyone else's fate.

I am stumped as to where I should even begin letting go of control.
Lilme, of course I am so impressed again! To let go of control for me I had to understand why I needed to be in control. It was so that I could feel safe and that everything would be okay. Actually, trying to have this control does not really make everything okay. What makes everything okay is to feel secure and safe in your own mind and with your feelings. This is where I worked. Feeling secure/safe in my own mind and with my feelings is where real security is.

 
Old 08-29-2007, 09:59 AM   #15
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Re: Iíve been selfish, but Iím here

Great point again, Sannah. I've tried to seek out the reason I need to control and I've no clue. I was really happy when my parents divorced, I was actually quite a messy teenager, and I was very carefree and spontaneous. I am puzzled as to why and the only way I've come to a peaceful place before was to simply choose for everything to be OK just the way they are. I'll work on it more. But I must say that it makes a huge difference to have friends to talk to here. Friends dissipate my anger and frustration.

 
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