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Old 08-23-2007, 11:40 PM   #1
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hummingbirds2 HB User
Unhappy sick on my life

first let me start by sayin i am new to this. just don't know where to turn any more i found this site while looking on how to get the right amout of drugs to kill myself. so here i am. my life has sucked every since i can recall
i know that people say u get out of life what u put into it but my god i have tried so hard to please everyone and do what they want me to do and still end up feeling down. maybe this doesn't make since to any of u i don't know but i got to do something cause the next step for me is killing myself
for like a mth now all i do is cry not 24/7 but alot of the time
i worry about everything i have anitxy sry for spelling and major depression
i try to please everyone and i still end up hurt, lately when i look at the death i get excited and i c that is the only way out i am so tired of the pain and loneliness the felling of not knowing and fear itself
i have lived in fear for over 12 yrs cause of my ex boyfriend and do u know that he has more rights than i do
they will give him everything and all i ask is to be safe and for my mom to be safe from him and they can't give us that
so i moved in with my mom after he and i broke up and i don't sleep nights now cause of the fear of him coming to hurt us
he told many people that he would hurt us but do u think there would b help for u hell no
i don't mean to go on with this but like i said i have to do something cause i have so my pain and fear that the only way i see out of all this is to end my life and god knows if i could find a way to know how many pills it would take to make sure it would kill me i would do it. i just don't want to take so many and have to live the rest of my life as a veg or something like that
can someone some where help me deal with this stuff
hell that was just a little part of what is goin on in my life

 
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Old 08-24-2007, 12:39 AM   #2
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Location: australia
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dante711 HB User
Re: sick on my life

Hey Humming,

Im really sorry about what you’ve been through and i know its hard. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much positive you put into life you get nothing but negative. Your healthy right? we’ve already found a positive right there which so many people wish they'd have. your blessed with life , why would you want to end it? You shouldn’t have to live in fear , thats why we have the law and you shouldn’t have to please people. Focus on pleasing yourself , this is your story this is your life. Your probably really young and i know you cant see them... but if you hang in there doors will open for you and things will change. these thought about dying they'll go. but you have to be strong about it. You have your mother which is another positive. Talk to her , tell her how you feel. You could make something with the life your given , have a restraining order put on your EX , find counselling. there so much out there in life that seem out of reach right now but if you focus youll find them. love/friendship after all this will be worth it. Every second is a chance to change everything. work on it instead of giving up. work on keeping yourself happy. work on your fear.

have faith.

 
Old 08-24-2007, 03:06 AM   #3
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: sick on my life

Hello hummingbird!
Let me say that you sound like a wonderful and very sensitive person to me. Just look at the pseudonym you have chosen for yourself. Hummingbuird! How romantic and beautiful!!!. Then you say you try to please people. That's because you have a kind heart which, unfortunately breaks easily. I think you have a lot more good things about you, which you haven't let yourself discover because you are now focusing on your fear for your life and your mum's. And you are right. I agree with Dante. You must go to the police again and ask for protection. Then, if you can afford it move away for a while until he forgets you exist. If this is not an option, then join support groups who can built up your confidence and teach you how to learn to take control of yourself and your feelings.
You have mentioned " God" twice in you letter. Do you believe in Him? He is the perfect protector you know, if only you would let Him speak to you. You would feel His Love and you will be conforted and all your fears and pain will be put in perspective. Just allow yourself to feel like a child in His arms and the rest will be history.
Happiness is not difficult to come by if only you would stop having negative, self- depreciating thoughts and start getting control of your life. Get your mum's support as well.
Good luck and God bless you
PS
Have you thought that killing yourself will only add to his pleasure? Do you want to give this creep the satisfaction of hurting you once and for all?

 
Old 08-24-2007, 07:28 AM   #4
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: sick on my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingbirds2 View Post
i have tried so hard to please everyone and do what they want me to do and still end up feeling down.

i try to please everyone and i still end up hurt
Hummingbird, I am sorry that you are in so much distess. Trying to please everyone is a recipe for major distress. I guess you must have learned to do this as a child. No where in the "book of life" does it say that you have to please others. IMO, a good life is doing what is right, especially for yourself, and not hurting others. I can "see" you going about your life frantically trying to please others and what this makes me think is that you need to work on your boundaries and your identity so that you can become strong. Leave others to themselves. They have their own lives to live and you have yours.

Do you want to talk more about your safety with your ex boyfriend? Is he just making empty (but very frightening) threats? When is the last time that he has physically harmed you?

 
Old 08-24-2007, 12:25 PM   #5
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hummingbirds2 HB User
Unhappy Re: sick on my life

i do have health probs. i have tried to get a thing against him but that they said that because he didn't do anything recent they can't help. its not only with him its my whole life it seems that i have always let others control me control my life even on a site called my space there are men on there that i have let control things about what i do
i do believe there is a God. i have always wonder why was i put on this earth for all i have known from child on up is pain. as for tell my mom how i been feeling latley i can't i have put my mom thur so much cause of my ex and the depression and she is dealing with my step dad being sick that i don't want to add to her worrys. i do want to thank u all for ur input just wish i could get out of this rut that i am

 
Old 08-24-2007, 12:33 PM   #6
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: sick on my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingbirds2 View Post
my whole life it seems that i have always let others control me control my life even on a site called my space there are men on there that i have let control things about what i do
(
You can start today controlling your own life. What is holding you back?

 
Old 08-24-2007, 02:21 PM   #7
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Mucho_Ocho HB User
Re: sick on my life

Hummingbird, I've been depressed for a long time, but lately I've felt worse. If you try to hang in there, I promise I will too.

 
Old 08-24-2007, 07:25 PM   #8
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Re: sick on my life

as far as takin control over my own life that is really hard cause i know that is goin to **** alot of people off. i am one that always tries to make everyone happy even at the cost of my own how can i change that after doin it all my life? hell i would take friends back that have used me and men well they just do the same. i am always the first to say i am sorry even when it wasn't my fault. i must be the dumbest person alive
as for Mucho_Ocho i will try my best and please do the same
we got thur today and we will take it day by day
please keep in touch with me so i know how u are doin
cause i know days cause be hard and its even harder when u don't have anyone to talk to or anyone that understands
and i will try my best to be here for others just as they are here for me

 
Old 08-24-2007, 07:27 PM   #9
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ordinary10 HB User
Re: sick on my life

i know how you feel.....my whole life all i have experienced is pain and bad luck but if i really try to think about it i can think of my blessings in life. i ask god why he put me on earth too but don't you think that you are still here for a reason and mayb you stumbled on this website for a reason also. that's what happened to me. i know that there is really no words that can give you comfort because everything is obviously very difficult right now but you have to hold on. like you said that you didn't want to put anymore stress or worries on your mom but don't you think that she would fall apart if anything happened to you? just do whatever you have to do to make yourself better. don't let your ex have the joy of watching you be defeated. i no what it's like to not have any strength left but you have to find it because you are obviously a very strong person. we all have our moments of weakness but get help and you'll find what you need to rise above this difficult time although it seems endless and hopeless.........things happen for a reason. you're not alone. keep the faith and don't give up

blessings-

 
Old 08-25-2007, 06:47 AM   #10
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: sick on my life

Hummingbird Hi again!
I can see that you are already doing better! One who is worried how others are doing and wanting them to hold on as you are, has a lot of inner strength just waiting to resurface.
You say: " i will try my best to be here for others just as they are here for me"!! What a lovely, conforting thought.!!!
You should know that we are all holding each other up here. When one of us is down there is bound to be at least one who is up. This one will surely write something that will help the other. And this is how we go on. And we are here and we survive and we hold on. So now YOU WILL TOO.
You will see that as time passes, you will feel a lot stronger and more confident with yourself and all your fears will start diminishing and you will find the inner strength to stop being tormented and controlled by others. We have all started from somewhere.
We are here for you.
Ps.
I am still happy for you that you seem to have a nice mum you love. Lot's of us don't or didn't!!!

 
Old 08-27-2007, 06:51 AM   #11
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: sick on my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingbirds2 View Post
as far as takin control over my own life that is really hard cause i know that is goin to **** alot of people off. i am one that always tries to make everyone happy even at the cost of my own how can i change that after doin it all my life? hell i would take friends back that have used me and men well they just do the same. i am always the first to say i am sorry even when it wasn't my fault.
Hummingbird, yeah, a lot is holding you back but it can be overcome!!!!! You are not doing this because you are dumb! You are doing it because you are AFRAID?

 
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