i am buzzing, its a horrible horrible feeling of dispair but anxious dispair. needing it all to be fixed right now.
so i worked with keira on trying to organise stuff. i did the exrcises she wanted-check.
then right now im sending her the letter of bullet points i want to give my doc, so she can reveiw how it is and we can try and fix it up, tailor it towards how she is seeing things, figure out whats shes missing and explain it. i cant wait anymore, i may be about to lose my job, this is the beginning of me losing control over this. the next loss is UNI, freinds are already fading to me, my bodies buggering up again and im losing control as in no one is buying my enthusiasm in work, im losing the will to push myself to get up and do things-so im frantic suddenly and am doing it all now in order to catch it before it hit the floor.
i have many aims in the next 2 weeks or so. i need a movement before 11 sept when i re enroll for UNI.im working with keira to trail me onwards and keep me here but i feel its coming to make or break right now. i have a doc appointment in 1 week and 5 days, by next wednesday ill have spoken to keira, fixed the letter and sent it. ill see how work goes again that week. ill then see keira on tuesday to prepare how to make this app different, get down to business and hopefully figure out how to work with my doctor because right now cousnelling will not be enough to stop everything going at once.
i then see my doc the next day, it all goes from there really. i need an answer for disabiility, i cant make a move with them or finance until i get the picture or sort it. my aims are:why am i on disability??
-would treament alongside cousnelling help?
-do you feel you understand?
-what is your veiw of me and my progress?
from these questions, and maybe others ill think of with keira, i want to be able to evelauate were exactly she stands, if she understands me. the progress question is a biggie, either way i feel i have not progressed. i feel no different, im still as confused, im still harming, im the same only with less help. im interested to know what her take on it all is so maybe i can set her straight. depending on her reaction to all this-that decides what i do next. i have a disability app 2 days after my app with her, depnding on whats she says depends on how i can handle them or what im even doing with them.
this may also dictate what i do next. should she not understand, ive talked it with keira and the possibility of seeing a fourth(jesus!) doctor has to be considered. i want her to be the one to help me, but if she point blank refuses to accept it all i have not got the time to waste trying to change her mind-i know it will be almost impossible for me to do this, but i will worry about it when and if the time comes. for now im working on what i need to do to get me through the next few weeks. its difficult ignoring everything, im in switch off productive mode right now because im frantic to move things. this is me trying, but i can imagine her just sighing.
we will see anyway, i just wish itd all happen faster because this job business is severly stressing me out and im harming everyday on top of just feeling so low.
im v.busy, im doing inner child stuff also which will suck it right out of me, im writing lists for keira about anger and stuff, and ive wrote a list of why i need my doc right now so that if i need a change we can have a hope of handling it and work on boundaries for my next doc should i need one, if i dont need a new one it wouldnt hurt to work on boundaries with this one also.
all this sounds great in theory-its the practice part i have a problem with
what do you guys think?? sannah-you there??