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Old 08-24-2007, 05:55 AM   #1
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nance484 HB User
Lightbulb Buzzing

i am buzzing, its a horrible horrible feeling of dispair but anxious dispair. needing it all to be fixed right now.

so i worked with keira on trying to organise stuff. i did the exrcises she wanted-check.

then right now im sending her the letter of bullet points i want to give my doc, so she can reveiw how it is and we can try and fix it up, tailor it towards how she is seeing things, figure out whats shes missing and explain it. i cant wait anymore, i may be about to lose my job, this is the beginning of me losing control over this. the next loss is UNI, freinds are already fading to me, my bodies buggering up again and im losing control as in no one is buying my enthusiasm in work, im losing the will to push myself to get up and do things-so im frantic suddenly and am doing it all now in order to catch it before it hit the floor.

i have many aims in the next 2 weeks or so. i need a movement before 11 sept when i re enroll for working with keira to trail me onwards and keep me here but i feel its coming to make or break right now. i have a doc appointment in 1 week and 5 days, by next wednesday ill have spoken to keira, fixed the letter and sent it. ill see how work goes again that week. ill then see keira on tuesday to prepare how to make this app different, get down to business and hopefully figure out how to work with my doctor because right now cousnelling will not be enough to stop everything going at once.

i then see my doc the next day, it all goes from there really. i need an answer for disabiility, i cant make a move with them or finance until i get the picture or sort it. my aims are:why am i on disability??
-would treament alongside cousnelling help?
-do you feel you understand?
-what is your veiw of me and my progress?

from these questions, and maybe others ill think of with keira, i want to be able to evelauate were exactly she stands, if she understands me. the progress question is a biggie, either way i feel i have not progressed. i feel no different, im still as confused, im still harming, im the same only with less help. im interested to know what her take on it all is so maybe i can set her straight. depending on her reaction to all this-that decides what i do next. i have a disability app 2 days after my app with her, depnding on whats she says depends on how i can handle them or what im even doing with them.

this may also dictate what i do next. should she not understand, ive talked it with keira and the possibility of seeing a fourth(jesus!) doctor has to be considered. i want her to be the one to help me, but if she point blank refuses to accept it all i have not got the time to waste trying to change her mind-i know it will be almost impossible for me to do this, but i will worry about it when and if the time comes. for now im working on what i need to do to get me through the next few weeks. its difficult ignoring everything, im in switch off productive mode right now because im frantic to move things. this is me trying, but i can imagine her just sighing.

we will see anyway, i just wish itd all happen faster because this job business is severly stressing me out and im harming everyday on top of just feeling so low.

im v.busy, im doing inner child stuff also which will suck it right out of me, im writing lists for keira about anger and stuff, and ive wrote a list of why i need my doc right now so that if i need a change we can have a hope of handling it and work on boundaries for my next doc should i need one, if i dont need a new one it wouldnt hurt to work on boundaries with this one also.

all this sounds great in theory-its the practice part i have a problem with

what do you guys think?? sannah-you there??

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Old 08-24-2007, 07:46 AM   #2
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nance484 HB User
Re: Buzzing

thanks. i dont feel at all organised right now but im clinginmg to what ive wrote on paper and trying to contain it all to just that. but this anxiety is killing me, i cant sit, when i walk i need to sit down, im twitching and my thoughts are racing but its in the negative sense, its so hard to beat it when this is as far as i can counsell myself ya know.

about my mum. well sometimes it makes me angry, a lot of the time they take it as my stupidity, as it was in school, being careless, not giving a toss about stuff, when i do stupid forgetful things like forgetting to inform someone i think their may be damp leaking through my bedroom walls i get told'that really is the hgiht of being ****ing retarded!'-thers no explaining, they cannot grasp that i forgot and it doesnt stick.

at school im angry because i wonder how no one ever considered it, but then maybe over 10yrs ago when i started it wasnt thoguht of. also i went to a posh prep school, strict and apparently ive heard others with learning difficulties being incapable of help because they say they have 'no time for children like yours', i remember we had on autistic boy in my class, always in trouble,. being yelled at for being thick and was bullied terribly and nothing was done apart from they held him back but put him down for it.

in school i was daydreamer, all my reports said the same thing';she needs to focus and listen, stop looking out the window, she isnt paying any attention, she needs to work on being involved and concentrating on things'. i was a quiet timid child anyways and i think they just thought i was weird-my mum always said i had my head in the clouds, i can do spectacularly stupid things because im not with it. as i got older in the school it prgreessed to most lunch times spent upstairs finishing work i hadnt got done that i still didnt understand, no matter how many tims it was explained i was a nervosu wreck and couldnt begin to pick it up, if i got it one day the next it was gone again. i became very very anxious, i cried a lot because they were cross at me and theyd rip up my books an throw them across the room, yelling at me and calling me stupid infront of the entire class that i was already beginning to be bullied by.

at one stage i made a mistake and a teacher trailed me across some chairs and i fell and she pushed me into a TV-thats how frustrated i made people.

on several occasions i ran out of school hysterical at home time and my mum coudlnt get me calmed down so she went in and talked to my teachers. my parents were constantly in and out, getting letters about me not trying.

at one stage they did send me to special classes, with someone with a speech impediment, they had ways of teaching stuff, it helped only a little, but when i got back in the class it was gone again. and i was a VERY slow worker.

in the end i was one of only two pupils in my whole year not to go onto the bigger prep school to continue, instead i went to what was known as the thick school that was rough. but i liked it, i became less anxious and found i got help and focused more. it was still difficult but i felt i had room to breathe and really try, passing took great effort and doing well was like walking vertical but i managed it for a while. that was fine until this what i call'depression' struck and now its impossible.

my mum is a cardiac nurse, i know shed have training but not in this. shes actually very misleaded about all those things-especially autisim, she cant grasp that it has social problems and why my cousin is a bit hard to handle or repeats things and stuff-she says all it means is you find school hard. i find that infuriating, im not austistic but i know what its like to feel so intense and that everything that should come naturally is a fight and for someone to just brush stuff like that off as if its stupid or nothing.

i think their problem is they just wont see it in their kids. they dont buy into psyhco stuff-at one stage she cut out chocolate because she thought it was mucking up my school grades-it was bollocks!

should i bring this up at my docs-im afraid to, how many times has no one listened to me??


Old 08-24-2007, 08:18 AM   #3
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nance484 HB User
Re: Buzzing

yea-in a round about way i was going to list my problems, put it in order and tell her my first thing thats holding me back and cant get past isrganisation: list all of these symptoms and hope it clicks or she remembers what the CPN said.

then say all my problems of feelings: is this a good idea. i may ask keira for her back up. she mailed me back saying were did the sudden frantic burst of 'i must do this all now' come from, thinks its a good thing but is removing other exercises for me because its too much in one go. do you think i could ask her to help me??


Old 08-24-2007, 11:38 AM   #4
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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nance484 HB User
Re: Buzzing

oh thats ok

nope i cant ask directly-im already hunting back down my depression and anxiety diagnosis with extreme persistance, shed crack up if i ask her about something else. im not sure what the rest of the UK do-but god its so hard to know whats to much to ask and what to ask for. i just feel this is staring us all in the face.

if i cant get her to listen, i may hint to my disability officer in the hope he says'hey-why dont we refer you to the educational psychologist!'-and i can pretend to be surprised but think its a good idea!

even if turn out not to have this i want to know we have tried everything-how do i know this isnt whats holding the counselling back. never mind that-im unable to function right in my jobs-this needs to be sorted! am i right in saying if im trying my best theres somthing just not quite right?


Old 08-24-2007, 12:19 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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nance484 HB User
Re: Buzzing

sorry it doesnt make sense. i mean were is the line between whats ok to suggest and what is being a hypochaudriac. its frustrating because i already feel she wont listen, i dont know how to do it to get listened to. i may talk with keira and put in her words, maybe say that she feels the priority is to understand why i cannot focus-that there must be something there and its not just me. this woman cannot deny all these problems so many times-fact is, whether she likes it or not they are wrong and theres a reason i cant get it in gear when im trying.

your right, your thinking what im thinking-i cant get into movement mode unless i am able to organise. how can i do anything if i have no means of moving?? i have no focus to understand and put it all in practice-what i have at the moment are my feeble attempts and its the best i can do without someone like a doctors help-i think sannah this is what ive been meaning all the time

god im so sick of this-why could my doc not just listen to the CPN and refer me the first time!!


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