It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Depression Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-26-2007, 03:38 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 181
treelover HB User
Unhappy I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

I started posting on this board back in March when I was suffering from major depression. Saw my psychiatrist and changed meds. Finally started to feel better and I left the boards. I feel like a fair weather friend, or in this case, a foul weather friend. My apologies.

Here's my problem today -- my sex drive finally came back and I did something so totally stupid and it is killing me.

I had an affair with a man who has been living with his "girlfriend" for the past 15 years. He has no intention of leaving her. We both knew we had to end it and I did so today. It lasted 4 weeks.

This came out of nowhere (the affair). One day I'm saying to my friend, I feel "frisky" and she tells me I should go out with David. Then, through a series of events which I don't need to go into, David asks me to go away with him for the weekend to his friend's place. Well, I knew what that meant and I had every intention of following through and I did. I didn't care how it would affect anyone, including myself. I saw what I wanted and I went after it, I got it, and damn the consequences (I will deal with them tomorrow). I was powerless. I really started to fall for this guy. I miss him lots and am crying a lot but yadda yadda yadda I know it's for the best, I know I will find someone better, etc. etc etc.

Why did I do this in the first place? I was just starting to feel better, I was weaning myself away from an ex-boyfriend (broken up 1 1/2 years - we had stayed very very close friends, no sex, but a very close relationship). I knew I had to separate myself from him in order to grow. So I start doing this and then bam, from left field, I am going away with a guy solely for the purpose of having sex, convincing myself I just want a fling, and then falling for this guy.

I knew I had to end it. It was very exciting at first. Anxiety and tension and never knowing what was going to happen next. Will he call me today? When will I see him next?

I don't want to shut down but I feel I may just crawl back into my hole and stay here forever. I realize I wanted this guy to love me, like I wanted my Dad to love me, like I wanted my mom to love me. He can't, they can't. You would think after years of counselling I would know better.

I just started feeling, after two years of numbness, and now all I feel is like crap. I cant' stand it. I cant' stop crying. It's not really the guy, the affair, it's the fact that I probably will never be able to change these patterns. For me, love equals abandonment and pain. As I look back I see that the past relationships I've gotten into, I end because I become unhappy and depressed. So I tried a different approach and this didn't work either. I am not happy either way. God, I don't want to do this anymore.

Treelover.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-27-2007, 08:41 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Hi TreeLover, I remember you! Please do not feel discouraged. You have worked through a lot of issues and you will work through this one too. You already have a lot of insight on this already. Do you think that you fear intimacy a bit so you choose people who really aren't available to you totally?

 
Old 08-27-2007, 09:30 AM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: nicosia, cyprus
Posts: 350
thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Thumbs up Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Or to take Sannah's point one step further: Do you just go out and choose the men who are not available so that you continue the pattern of your past, ie abondonement and pain????
Either way, I feel for you. I know exactly what you have done and why, and exactly how you are feeling!!! And I am half way around the globe!!!!
For me too, love equals abandonment and pain!! And I have chosen men in the past who are not available !!!(and yet so exciting....)As if to tempt myself, as if to dare feel happiness. And like you I have left them all BEFORE they left me....!!!( To avoid the pain of being abondoned, yet again)
Ah! What can you do!! Look at it the bright side.
You may not be able to undergo a radical change of character, because this has been ingrained from the moment you took your first breath, BUT you can understand where it all comes from and YOU can control most of the time how you behave and how to react and how to minimize the fallout from a wrong decision.( As you have done this time, and I think you have done right!) Do you think you could have taken this mature decent decision to end it all despite your feelings, have you not had all these years of therapy? I doubt it..
You are able to see the truth about who you are straight in the eye and I do not see you blinking or flinching at all!! You are brave and I am proud of you. One wrong decision doesn't have to double up and destroy everything in its path. You have chosen to mitigate the fallout and this is to your credit. Well done.
The pain will lessen in time and the more you succeed in forgiving yourself about this and the fact that your parents didn't love you, the more peaceful and controlled your life will feel.
Good love and God bless!

 
Old 08-27-2007, 07:29 PM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 181
treelover HB User
Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Hi Sannah - I have been reading a lot of different boards lately and you pop up everywhere. You are a very encouraging and loving person.

I am pretty sure I have an inner radar that can pick out men who are not totally available. But that brings up the question - am I totally available? Is it possible for me to totally trust one person, totally love one person, be vulnerable to someone who isn't going to go away, someone I would have to see everyday and know they know my secrets. Someone who loves me just for me. Yikes. I am running for the hills!

These issues have been with me a long time. Ever since I started in therapy at the age of 21 I have struggled with intimacy issues. At first glance, one would think I have "my act together." I am funny, nice, kind, down to earth (6 months ago I couldn't think of one nice thing to say about me!). But I don't let people get too close. I am very open about my disease of alcoholism, my depression, but no one ever guesses at the depth of the darkness inside me.

I can see how a few of the gals here on the Boards have a comraderie (sp?). I think, wow, I wish I could be part of that. But I am always on the periphery, that is where I feel comfortable. Don't ask too much of me and I won't ask too much of you.

Okay, enough babbling.
Anyway, nothing to do but keep on keeping on.
Love you guys,
Treelover a/k/a Nancy.

p.s. Sometimes I just don't care how I am. I don't want to work on things and that is where I am right now, even though I have an appt. with my Pdoc tomorrow. Ha - I guess the better part of me is taking care of me.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 10:23 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,301
mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Hey Treelover,
I remember you too!!!!!
I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now...but you did the right thing in ending the relationship. Sometimes we all do things that are out of "our normal realm"....we learn from them, sometimes they are positive, and sometimes they are things that hurt. I am sorry you were hurt by this relationship....but it really does look like you're working through your feelings, and I think this is good.
I hope you'll keep posting here, and feel free to share your thoughts. The more you do, the more you'll get to know people right?
I would say I have joined a little "comraderie" since I've been here, and those people mean so very much to me......if you ever see any of our posts...please feel free to jump in....and I'll make a point to look out for any of yours!!!

Take care,
Carsam
Also.....about your last point....not sure if I believe you dont "want to work on things".....just from your post....I think you sound like you "want" to feel better about things....that's why you came back here. Again, nice to see you back Treelover!!!

 
Old 08-28-2007, 07:38 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Quote:
Originally Posted by treelover View Post
Hi Sannah - I have been reading a lot of different boards lately and you pop up everywhere. You are a very encouraging and loving person.

I am pretty sure I have an inner radar that can pick out men who are not totally available. But that brings up the question - am I totally available? Is it possible for me to totally trust one person, totally love one person, be vulnerable to someone who isn't going to go away, someone I would have to see everyday and know they know my secrets. Someone who loves me just for me. Yikes. I am running for the hills!

I don't let people get too close.

I can see how a few of the gals here on the Boards have a comraderie (sp?). I think, wow, I wish I could be part of that. But I am always on the periphery, that is where I feel comfortable. Don't ask too much of me and I won't ask too much of you.
Hi Nancy, the fear of intimacy was the first issue that I worked on about 20 years ago. Of course you are probably not available. There is too much fear there. Are you afraid of rejection, being hurt, judged?

I hope that you will feel safe enough to join us here and be closer to us.

Thanks for your kind words!

 
Old 08-28-2007, 07:38 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 181
treelover HB User
Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Ladies:

I am feeling much better right now. Most of the day I struggled and struggled one minute at a time not to call him or text him. But I didn't and it is now 9:19 p.m. and I will be on the boards until it is time to go to bed.

I saw my Pdoc today for a 1/2 hour session and she is really terrific. I can look at this whole situation in a new light. We will get to the dynamics of why I do what I do next session.

I wanted a fling, I had a fling, but I carried it on a little too long. She said women most often times want to find meaning in what we do, including having flings. I guess the meaning in this fling was sex. I don't have to make it into something more, which I was trying to do.

She advised me to think from my head, not my heart and asked if this is really what I want. Well about 10% (okay maybe 25%) of me wants it and that seems to be the 25% that is running my mind at the moment. But so far I have not acted on it.

One of my biggest issues is abandonment. My father left when I was 5 and my mom suffers from many of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. So intimacy and a warm loving environment were foregin to me for a long time. I got sober and went to AA and found lots of love and support. I still go to meetings once in a while, but my issues are not about drinking today. It's about, how do I let myself get close to some one, emotionally. I have always jumped into bed and then instant intimacy. Next thing you know I am in a relationship with someone I don't even really like.

Anyway, I feel pretty calm and serene at this moment and it has a lot to do with these boards and you ladies. Thank you.

Will keep you updated. Also, will post if I get the urge to call or text him.

Okay, I will be really honest and say I just want to call him and make sure we ended on a good note. To leave the door open so to speak. There goes that 25% again.

Love,
Treelover.

 
Old 08-30-2007, 08:30 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,301
mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: I'm a mess and it's all my fault.

Hi Treelover....
Just wanted to say hi!!!!!!
Hope you have been a good girl and havent been making any "calls" since you last posted?
You deserve better you know! Sounds like as you say you have some issues with letting people get close....and also sounds like you've worked through alot of things coming from a tough childhood.

Hope you'll keep posting.....
Caroline

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Okay...so I am in a mess now for sure. dma11663 Relationship Health 18 12-20-2007 03:39 PM
Update of this mess... final ( i hope) angel_light Relationship Health 96 03-16-2006 07:32 PM
Depressed mess, needs support! mrsaa Depression 17 02-23-2006 02:50 PM
Help- my mind is all a mess!! Broken_Tears Depression 7 12-12-2005 08:13 PM
Is it my entirely fault? Mikelover Relationship Health 13 07-16-2005 11:47 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:42 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!