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Old 08-26-2007, 05:08 PM   #1
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Dakota_Skye......

Dakota....
Just in case there's a chance you will log in and see this....just wanted you to know I miss you....and hope you are well.....
Love, Caroline xo

 
Old 08-26-2007, 07:48 PM   #2
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

hi my dear C!!!!

i've been thinking of and wanting to log on a few times, but i was busy these past few weeks. you know with the job... and with the tooth. the root canal was finally finished today. it's sore and hurts a bit, but i hope it passes.

how are you? how's big "N?" how's your grandma? mom? dad? work? hubby? i miss you too, and i have been thinking about you, and about amber, and sannah, and some other pple on here...

i don't know how to describe my state of mind these days. it's a bit better than before. like i said in my last post on the other thread, when i gave in that resignation letter, i felt as if a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. i felt FREE somewhat. and even in the days after, although at work, i wasn't as stressed as before, although there was/ is so much work to do and finish before i leave there!!! since i took a week off, from the 25th to the 31st., i'm on a mini break now. the first one this year!!! however, i had to take some crappy work home with me, otherwise there it could not be possible that i'd finish it all by the time i leave them, on the 8th of sept.

this is not to say the big "D" isn't still there, because it's mostly felt around my cycle, when the darkness comes back full force (i'm holding out on a therapist now, like you even said, b/c i don't about this new insurance--again!!). then again, little things get to me too. things that shouldn't.

but, i've been reaching out to my bookshelves again, and there was another old book by (don't laugh) phillip c. mcgraw (aka. dr. phil)--a ny times bestseller, called Life Strategies, doing what works, doing what matters. what i've mostly been looking through and doing are the exercises that are found in the accompanying manual (it's a workbook just for exercises). it's not something i didn't know before, but it's a very good reminder, and i found them rather useful. there are exercises in there that deal with emotions that trap us; behaviors and consequences; ways to really discover what you want out of life; how we create our own experience; how we can't change what we don't aknowlege/realize; how there's no 'real' reality, but only our perception of it, and so much more. and he goes in really deep, to dig out thoughts, ideas, beliefs about ourselves and the world...it's a good book, and i don't often say that about just any book....and the person reading this stuff has to do all this work themselves to find out the answers to all these questions he asks...i found myself thinking it's almost like self-therapy, or a book i can BRING to therapy and work through it with a pro.

anyway, i also did s.thing good for myself too. because i'm not going away this week, i have a week in between the jobs, and i'm going to a mountain inn in upstate ny. i've searched and i've searched until i felt nauseaus and almost gave up, but i finally found this beautiful site at point lookout mtn. the mountain views they have on the web were enough for me to stop and think 'no matter what the cost, i owe it to myself.' so i'm going there from the 12th to the 15th. i need to breathe some fresh air and to see some nature!!!!

by the way, i went to the new job's HR this past monday, and filled out about 20 papers...for all kinds of things, until i couldn't see straight anymore....the HR person didn't even interview me, just gave me those darn papers to fill out. i was getting a bad tension headache in there...it was like i was signing my life away for all these background checks that i've never had done before (guess they changed laws about two yrs. ago)... crap checks, if a have a mole somewhere check....my shoe size (7) check .whatever... then some other guy took me right next door and i got fingerprinted for the first time in my life! then he took a picture of me that was so blurry i can't see anything in it; then they said bye, and the next day i got a letter saying i'm starting the 17th of sept. alongside the letter, they put a calendar for all these moronic trainings, to cpr and first aid, to crap, to Orientation--which consists of--human growth and development...and incident identification and reporting!!!!!!--both things that i've presented myself at the 'old" job... how nuts is that, huh??? anyway

you know that my clinical supervisor at the old job (whom i actually respect and like a lot) actually asked me if i could come and present the human growth and development to them on the dates i chose before, this late sept., and said they'll pay me $30 an hour, and will like to keep me as a consultant????? i was like, " i think i have some trainings to go to myself, pat, bec. i start on the 17th..." she said, "right, i'm sure of that...it's ok if you can't." i do like her, but i think her boss must have told her to ask me, cuz she knows pat is the only one that i like over there....but so sorry, no can do.

it was nice though, b/c on thurs. she took me out for lunch, i guess as a good-bye sort of thing, and we had a nice time together. she is really a good person. i was very thankful.

but life is not all good news ,as we all know...just a couple of nights ago i cried like a miserable freak, when i heard that my brother's dog, a beautiful, docile wippet, has bone cancer. this was a second opinion... i even visited him and felt "baby's" (her name) relatively big and very hard lump right on her upper, outter left hind leg recently, but i NEVER really thought that it was that. and my mother called me at freaking 9 something at night and told me that (about the second op), like i really needed to hear the news at that hour of the night before bed, you know. i told her, couldn't she wait until tomorrow. she said, well, i have nobody else to talk to , and we are family,....i know, i know, and i'm sorry for her too, and i know she has a really soft spot for animals too; darn it; she's like me--we both carry stale bread or something in our bags for the birds or squirrels....it sounds stupid, but it's true.

my father's the same, god bless him; my sister's spending all her time with her relatively new 'man'--she's always gone on the weekends; craig is starting school/teaching, now, in 8/29, and won't have much time for anything, not that we really did even till now, but that was b/c of my job and being busy saturdays. we are ok in most aspects. however, there are still things relating to "our" future that we don't talk about. as you know, i don't give a damn about rings of any kind, and they don't mean anything really (i've had some before), if there's no action behind them. lately, i've been asked by some people who've noticed this engagement ring, "so, have you set a date yet?" my response has typically been "not yet." but now i just say 'next year" b/c i don't want to explain anything anymore, or to see these pple's eyebrows go up. although who the hell cares about them anyway? if being critical and gossipy is all they're good for, they can all go to somewhere, for all i care.

the thing is though, that my mind is pulling me in two opposite directions. one is toward him, one against. toward b/c he's good, more understanding than anyone i've met so far (as in men, i mean), relatively good looking--to me--intelligent, etc.--and i don't want to be alone when i'm old; and against, b/c of fear (?) of spending my whole life with one person (although that's very good in a way!!!)...then, there're the little excentricities that bother me about him (like i don't have any)!!!!!!!!!

heck, i don't know...this is turning into a novel again, so i better stop here.
hugs,
D.
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:28 PM   #3
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

Hey Dakota, Been thinking of you too. Glad to hear that you're still doing better...and it's good to "hear" from you. Hope you have a good week, not having to go to work!
Amber

 
Old 08-26-2007, 08:35 PM   #4
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

amber!!!
i haven't seen many posts from you here. maybe i haven't been looking too much. how are you???? besides caroline, i've thougth about you so much and wondered how the heck you're holding up!!!!

hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:42 PM   #5
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

Oh, Dakota...so much **** has happened in the last few weeks...it's been non-stop. I'm back in the hospital...dying to get out of here. Been posting more on the PTSD boards lately, been dealing with a lot of PTSD issues...but all in all, haven't been posting much.
I think of you often...and look forward to hearing from you. I miss talking with you on a regular basis...

 
Old 08-26-2007, 11:03 PM   #6
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

hi amber,
i've read your posts on the ptsd board. damn!!!!! i've left a message there. you MUST MOVE!!!!!!

i must say this though--you truly are bearing that cross of yours, really steady and continuously; but, amber, i'll NEVER lose any spark of hope for you. i KNOW you'll make it. i know you don't see what i see in you. you have a waaaaay to go, my dear!!!
love you,
d
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Old 08-27-2007, 05:10 AM   #7
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

hey dakota!! wondering how uve been! hope your well, sorry about your tooth thing

xox
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Old 08-27-2007, 05:47 AM   #8
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

hey pucca,
thanks babe!!

i've been reading about your travails with your docs and all. i'm also sorry about your situation. but remember, you've got a GOOD friend in keira!!! let her be your nr.1 "assistant" on your path to 'wellness.'

i saw your vacation spot was the u.s...that was nice, huh? although going back and having to face all the "issues," esp. with the uni stuff, isn't very joyful, i know!!!

i'm glad to "see" you around!!
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Old 08-27-2007, 06:15 AM   #9
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

Hey Dakota, good to hear from you! I am so happy that you got a new job and that you are taking a vacation!!!!!!

 
Old 08-27-2007, 06:41 AM   #10
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

hi sannah,

thanks!! it really was about time! i've had enough. couldn't take it anymore, as you well know.

i must say, i've not been away from the boards only bec. of looking for another job, etc., but also bec. i've been feeling--well, you know what i wrote on my other thread before i posted that last time. i felt at the lowest of lows, sannah. it was a horrible, horrible dark time. had no energy even to write. felt i had nothing to offer on here. didn't even want to read other's issues, since it would've made me more depressed.

i still need to work on my issues, but sometimes i'm just tired of even thinking about them. however, once in a while i miss talking to a pro. i will definitely go back to therapy once all this settles down.

maybe being in the mtns. will do me some good. i've been wanting to be away for soooo long.

btw, last night i've been reading amber's thread on the ptsd board. the environment of her world is TOXIC. most of the people in it are toxic. there's no getting well until she's free of all that. at least that's what i believe. it's not my place to say, but only my belief.

how are you, sannah?
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Old 08-27-2007, 06:44 AM   #11
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

I am good Dakota. Kids are back in school after a very busy summer.....

 
Old 08-27-2007, 06:59 AM   #12
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

allergies over, sannah? when i read your posts to amber, i saw your allergies bothering you again! sorry, girl!!!

about the kids...isn't it good to have some time to yourself during the day? it would be for me, if i had kids. god knows i want some. on the other hand, i don't know if i could; i'm always thinking about the meds i'm on, and the improbability of being without them if anything in the way of preg. should happen. i've been thinking--and sometimes hoping that i could be on less meds in the future (but not really believing in this hope), but i've been thinking that i'll be taking medications for the rest of my life, bec. i really don't believe i can LIVE without them. and it scares me sannah. it scares me a lot. i know, i know, it's just like taking insulin for diabetic, or meds for high blood pressure.... no, it's not!!! not for me. i still feel "defective" sannah, even after all these years; even after sudying about it; seeing shrinks about it; being told by therapists about it--that all this is normal, it's ok, it's fine, it's how some people are wired, etc. etc. etc.

yes, like mokie recently wrote in one of her posts, im tired of the meds, tired of the drs., tired of this illness, sannah. but, i FUNCTION, which is good. i see many people are on disability (god bless them--if i COULD, if i had the means, i would probably go on that too, but sannah, i cannot). i cannot, because i cannot depend on anybody, not anybody. everybody around me has a life of their own. everybody isn't better off than i am. everyone in my family is struggling with their own lives.

when i have relatively good days, for ex., like yesterday and today (does it have s.thing to do with the fact that i have off from work?? hell yeah), i think and plan and believe that i could take classes in improving myself, in things that i like (pottery, meditation, self-assertiveness, art), but these times don't last very long. like i said, i'm really "good" only about two weeks out of the month, and when my hormones start "moaning" about two weeks before my cycle, i start going down, down, down. then, i start getting in that fog...then the migraines come; then the irritation come; the anger comes; the lack of motivation comes; the feeling that i can't even move comes; the dark thoughts come....everything negative comes. and i don't know what the hell to do anymore to get past that. at least a little sannah. at least a little.

as you know, i really lack self esteem (big time)--and this deepened over the past two years... i think a class in assertiveness would help me. but, i always think more, and i end up doing nothing in the end. just tired of thinking about it and not doing it, you know!?!!

maybe i can work with you and with others here (whoever want to "volunteer") to help me start in that direction? i know you've been down that road and you've learned much. i would hope i can learn s.thing from you.

from my heart,
d.
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Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 08-27-2007 at 07:02 AM.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 09:08 AM   #13
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

DAKOTA!!!!
It is so good to see your post this morning....
I am ridiculously busy at work this morning, this is the first chance I've had to log in and wow, saw your posts with all the responses. Do you see how missed you are?
I only have a few minutes here to respond but I wanted to say how happy I am to hear you sounding so positive about things.....your life seems to be taking a really big turn in a good direction.....and I'm so pleased you are "coming round the mountain" girl!!!! That will be a really good break before starting your new job. You've needed this break for so long, I know it will do you so much good.
I am doing "okay" these days, up and down, you know? Same old stuff D. "N" is doing well, Sam is okay, "mom" is "the same".....but good news in a way, she has asked her doc for some anti-depressants.....so hopefully they'll help her.....and if not, then at least she's trying to get some help, which is positive in my mind.
Grandma "situation" still the same, very depressing, very hostile, just the usual doom and gloom, but sadly there's not much that can done to brighten that situation at all.
With regards to what you said about "meds".....I think D, you are on such a great path right now.....and it's not a straight path out of this...it's got some hills....so you may need still need them for awhile. But dont assume you'll need them forever.....if you keep on working through this stuff.....there's no reason to think you'll always need them...one step at a time right? Of course, it makes sense that some days are good, and then you have those days when the migraines and the darkness as you say sets in......but D, at least this way, when some of those negative triggers have been eliminated (ie work).....you can maybe change the balance so that you have more good days than bad days.......whereas before it was opposite, you know?
We are all behind you girl........did I tell you I missed you?

Hope to talk with you again soon hon!!!
Love ya,
((((((((hugs, it's really good to see you!!!)))))))))
Caroline xo

P.S. Just wanted to say hi to Sannah and Amber!!!!!

Last edited by mary09; 08-27-2007 at 10:00 AM. Reason: added some more stuff

 
Old 08-27-2007, 01:54 PM   #14
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota_Skye View Post
hi amber,
i've read your posts on the ptsd board. damn!!!!! i've left a message there. you MUST MOVE!!!!!!

i must say this though--you truly are bearing that cross of yours, really steady and continuously; but, amber, i'll NEVER lose any spark of hope for you. i KNOW you'll make it. i know you don't see what i see in you. you have a waaaaay to go, my dear!!!
love you,
d
Hi Dakota, I haven't made it to the other message yet. I checked out of the hospital last night, as my five year old was in a prettty bad accident (fell 28 feet from a tree, landed on her neck) (Long story...) and was life flighted out to another hospital. She's going to be okay...thank god.
Anyway, we are moving. On September 1st, the kids and I are going to Las Vegas for 11 days. Ken is going to be back here working, and finishing all the packing. On the 11th, we are moving back to Alaska. It's a huge move, and is causing a lot of stress and anxiety, but with the new passport laws, I think we will be better off there, than anywhere else.
Thanks for keeping that hope alive...especially when I'm at a point that I'm not feeling it. Anyway, I'll check the other post when I sign on again. I'm doing short visits today, when my daughter is sleeping.
And by the way...it's SOOOOOO damn good to see you posting again!
Love ya,
Amber
PS. Hi Caroline!

Last edited by NVD; 08-27-2007 at 01:57 PM.

 
Old 08-27-2007, 05:48 PM   #15
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Re: Dakota_Skye......

Hey Amber hon...
Thank God your daughter will be okay....I cringe to think what might have happened.
I know all this "move" stuff is so very much to handle right now, as you're still so fragile from all the **** you've gone through......, but I'm hoping once you get out of there, things will start to get a little easier each day for you, I'm hoping so much for that.
You'll have your computer with you, so at nights in Vegas, or when you get to Alaska, once you get the kids settled, you come here to us.....and vent away hon!!!! Okay? We're all right here!!!! You'll never be alone with no one to talk to, and no one to understand......
Keep us posted here on how your daughter is doing and of course how you're feeling yourself.....hope you're managing to still get some pain meds now that you're out of the hospital?
I will start a new thread for you okay?
It feels good hearing from everyone today......
Love ya,
Caroline xo

Last edited by mary09; 08-27-2007 at 05:50 PM.

 
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