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Old 08-26-2007, 08:51 PM   #1
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shadylady001 HB User
Unhappy Depression/Obesity

I originally posted this in the obesity forum but after reading it a couple of times, I thought it my be better suited on this board. I am 120 lbs overweight. As a female, I logically know that men aren't interested in overweight women. I hear the classic "you have a pretty face" comment - or I used to when I was younger. I am somewhat successful in life and am embarking on a new career when I graduate from nursing school at the end of April. I have found that well educated, successful men have no interest in overweight women. The older I get, the population of these men has greatly diminished! I also suffer from depression. Double whammy - fat and mentally ill - just what a man is looking for.... I was formally diagnosed 8 years my mother's death when I was 20. This was a traumatic loss for me at a pivotal time in my development. I doubled my weight. This may seem simple but I struggle with using food to soothe myself. I do go to the gym several times a week. I can only do the bike because of achilles tendonitis but I do about 10 miles in 30 minutes at a relatively high level. My friends have never even offered to fix me up with any men. At this point in my life - 41, single, no kids, no offers - I feel that I haven't reached any of my personal goals. I feel like such a lose at life. As a kid, I just knew one day I would be married and have children. At my age, even if I met prince charming (given my limited/no dating experience the possibility is zero), I don't want children because I don't want to me 85 when my kids are just starting their own lives. How do I get over it and take the chance to lose the weight and see if love comes my way? I always pushed men away (issue with my dad) as a teenager and in college. This is not an issue anymore. When I gained all the weight after my mom passed away, it allowed me to build up a wall to protect myself. My dad couldn't deal with any men being around me so I never let anyone in - not that there were alot knocking on my door. How do I learn to love myself? I have been in and out of therapy for years without any great success. With my current work/school schedule, it is not possible for me to go back at this time. I really have to say that I have never found a therapist who did anything for me except let me vent. I feel like my life is one giant failure. No men, no children, no marriage. All the money in the world doesn't buy happiness. I don't think my expectations are unrealistic. I don't have delusions that these things (marriage, children) are easy. I would have just liked to have had the option. I have suffered a couple of personal losses in the last month so my depression has been somewhat unmanaged. I saw my doctor and she offered to up my meds but I hate taking them and certainly just need to deal with these issues instead of supress them with meds. How do you find hope? When life's challenges come your way, how do you deal with them other than turning to food? How do you learn to love yourself with a weight problem? I have really needed to vent and get this out for a long time and I appreciate you all allowing me the opportunity.

 
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Old 08-27-2007, 07:35 AM   #2
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Depression/Obesity

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadylady001 View Post
I was formally diagnosed 8 years my mother's death when I was 20. This was a traumatic loss for me at a pivotal time in my development. I doubled my weight. This may seem simple but I struggle with using food to soothe myself.

How do I get over it and take the chance to lose the weight and see if love comes my way? I always pushed men away (issue with my dad) as a teenager and in college. This is not an issue anymore.

When I gained all the weight after my mom passed away, it allowed me to build up a wall to protect myself.

My dad couldn't deal with any men being around me so I never let anyone in.
Lady, you understand yourself well. You say that pushing people away is not an issue for you anymore. I am not sure that I believe this. Are you using weight to push others away still? Was your mother your protector and after she passed you needed the weight for protection? Please keep posting.....

 
Old 08-27-2007, 08:50 AM   #3
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thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
Re: Depression/Obesity

Hi shady lady!
"fat and mentally ill"
This is how you describe yourself! How do you like it now that you see it isolated? Isn't it far- farfetched and over the top? I think it is. And I think you do too.
Just the fact that you haven't found a man yet and had children does it make you a failure? I think not. You are succesfull and you do the things you like and you are pretty determined and mature about your views and your goals. So why do you put yourself down as a failure? Just because you have put on weight doesn't mean you are a no-good so and so. You have a lot of other things that men find interesting, it is just that they didn't come your way yet.
If I had written your post, what would you have said to me? Wouldn't you have thought that I cannot be as bad I think I am?
Try to focus on the good things you do and happen in you life and do not fret about marriage and children. It is not that you are 85 yet!!!
Eating for confort and covering yourself with layers of fat is one way of protecting yourself from the world. Given the fact that you have such a low self esteem it seems reasonable that you still eat for confort.
Do not worry I have done this too. You ask what to do. I say, continue the gym, you are doing very nicely. Forget about men and just go on enjoying the things you like in life. The weight will stop being an issue once you stop focusing on it.
Have you thought about travelling? or joining clubs that interest you? or doing voluntary work? Then your inner qualities will shine through and will give you more confidence and the courage to start liking yourself a little better.
I am sure you will find what you are looking for once you stop looking and start concentrating on living and feeling...
God bless you!

 
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