Amber, I copied my post from Dakota's thread and am starting a thread for you...to help you through the next weeks to come, hope you're okay with that. I know you can use all the support you can get right now. We are here for you!!!!
Love, Caroline xo
Hey Amber hon..
Thank God your daughter will be okay....I cringe to think what might have happened.
I know all this "move" stuff is so very much to handle right now, as you're still so fragile from all the **** you've gone through......, but I'm hoping once you get out of there, things will start to get a little easier each day for you, I'm hoping so much for that.
You'll have your computer with you, so at nights in Vegas, or when you get to Alaska, once you get the kids settled, you come here to us.....and vent away hon!!!! Okay? We're all right here!!!! You'll never be alone with no one to talk to, and no one to understand......
Keep us posted here on how your daughter is doing and of course how you're feeling yourself.....hope you're managing to still get some pain meds now that you're out of the hospital?
I will start a new thread for you okay?
It feels good hearing from everyone today......
Last night was a rough night, as my daughter didn't sleep well...which obviously means none of us slept well. I'm still fighting this stomach virus, which is physically draining.
I'm really feeling overwhelmed with everything today...feeling really low. Emotions are all over the place today. We have four days here, and then we're off...and I haven't even packed one suitcase. Packing means I have to go to the house, and honestly, I'd rather just buy all new stuff. Ken is still in his mood...seems to be never ending these days. Sigh. Nervous about spending the 11 days in Vegas, the airplane ride, and two weeks in Alaska by myself with all three kids. Wondering what the hell I was thinking, but know I have to do it. I feel sad for questioning my ability to be with all three of my kids...but feel that way regardless. It's going to be a rough day again. Sigh.
Anyway, thanks for listing to me complain again, and thanks for the thread. Love you all,
Hi Sannah, I'm not sure how things are going to be. I think that once I get up to Alaska, and get settled into a place, rather than going from hotel to hospital to hotel and back to the hospital, it will be a nice change. I don't know, Sannah. Probably shouldn't even be out of the hospital at this point...but what was I to do?? I couldn't just not be there for Sierra...God forbid something happened, and I wasn't there. Not that it would make a difference...but I don't think I'd ever forgive myself.
I'm hoping Sannah, that this weekend will be the start of some positive changes...I'm just not sure of anything though.
Amber, I don't blame you for leaving the hospital to be with your daughter. When my daughter had pneumonia and was hospitalized for about 5 days I never left. Amber I hear some hope in your post! The unknown can be scary though. I have dealt with a lot anxiety from the unknown myself. We will be with you every step of the way, though!
Hi Sannah, I'm not sure how things are going to be. I think that once I get up to Alaska, and get settled into a place, rather than going from hotel to hospital to hotel and back to the hospital, it will be a nice change. I don't know, Sannah. Probably shouldn't even be out of the hospital at this point...but what was I to do?? I couldn't just not be there for Sierra...God forbid something happened, and I wasn't there. Not that it would make a difference...but I don't think I'd ever forgive myself. I'm hoping Sannah, that this weekend will be the start of some positive changes...I'm just not sure of anything though.
i really like what you wrote up there amber!!! i believe it too, but i didn't want to write it, in case you wouldn't see it that way, and i didn't want to be another "blah, blah, blah, blabber..." and nothing more.
"the start of some positive changes" sounds like out of this world to me (esp. coming out of your mouth). i KNOW this is only a little piece of what you're feeling, but a little s.thing is better than nothing at all!!
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
It is now 2:37 in the morning here, and I am really, really struggling. I have been so damn sick this past week...
I've forced down about a banana a day, sometimes less, and have held down even less than that. My stomach just feels like it's in this huge knot, and hurts like hell. I've lost four pounds since Sunday, and my body is now continuously shaking and and my face is this deathly, nasty looking pale. Pepto or any of the other meds have done nothing. Sleep is damn near non-existant, except for after those rough hours of getting sick, and then I'll collapse for a few minutes. But then, it's only a few minutes, and I'm either ripped out of my sleep by one the these damn monitors that my daughter is on, or by the damn flashbacks/nightmares that keep playing in my mind. Ken looked at me tonight and said "you look like ****, babe...". Nice. Just what I wanted to hear.
I've noticed though, that when I'm sleeping, I'm obviously feeling "okay" enough to sleep for those few minutes, and when I wake up, those seconds to minutes that it takes for me to get into real time, and realize where I'm at and what's going on, I feel okay. But as soon as my mind kicks into gear, I'm right back to this point again.
So, I'm wondering if I could possibly be making myself this sick, unknowingly??? If the stress and nerves could be making me this sick?? I just feel like my body is at the same spot physically as I am emotionally these days, and has just had enough?? I don't know, do you think it's possible?? I know stress can do a lot of things...but can it literally make you this sick?? What do you all think? Sigh...
Amber, you have quite a variety here. You have all the elements, fire, earth, air and water. I sense your Taurus and Cancer because I am drawn to water and earth.
Sun is in 12 Degrees Leo.
More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.
Moon is in 29 Degrees Taurus.
Warmth, comfort, security and familiar surroundings are necessary for you to feel at ease. Very loving and affectionate, you prefer a steady, patterned way of life. Patient, calm and steadfast, you are not easily upset. Others look to you for support. You tend to be a slow starter and a slow mover -- others may try to rush you, but they will never succeed. Emotionally, you are quite stubborn -- your attitudes about people and things were firmly set in your youth and will change very little as an adult. You are also very cautious and conservative about spending money. It is not that you are selfish, you just need to feel secure. Beware of a tendency to become overly complacent and too self-satisfied.
Mercury is in 23 Degrees Cancer.
Your emotions tend to rule your thought processes. You have difficulty seeing life objectively. You have an excellent memory, especially about things to which you have formed an emotional bond. You prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of your family and culture are very important to you. Your thinking becomes quite unclear when you are emotionally shaken -- try not to make major decisions when you are upset. Let things calm down first.
Venus is in 28 Degrees Gemini.
You are friendly, warm, open and tolerant toward others. You love variety in relationships, indeed you may even prefer to maintain more than one relationship at a time! Very witty and humorous, you have the ability to amuse and please others. This makes you quite popular. You love to play the field and thus find it difficult to settle down and make any deep emotional commitments. Your innate charm and vivacity makes you welcome most everywhere you go.
Mars is in 14 Degrees Libra.
You are very aware of the need to cooperate with others in order to further any effort. You are usually willing to compromise with others, although you can be quite competitive in a friendly way. Very fair- minded and impartial, you have the ability to sense injustice and the desire to take corrective actions to make proper compensations. You see both sides of issues and questions, but you tend to be undecided or wavering when forced to make choices that might make you vulnerable or unpopular.
Hey everyone. Whew...it's been a busy day around here. Making progress...but have so much more to go...it's quite insane how much junk we can accumilate. Jeeze.
So, as I mentioned today in one of the other threads...don't remember which one it was...but I mentioned it's been a very strange two days for me. As ya'll know, I've been hit with this horrible stomach bug, that was really kicking my butt. Yesterday, I had an appointment with the doctor to check my back. It's healing okay, and it doesn't look like surgery will be needed. I just have to keep wearing the brace, and all should be fine. So, I fiured while I was out that way, I'd schedule me an appointment with my regular GP for this stomach issue, as I was really getting dehydrated from not keeping anything down. I also started having pain in my lower right abdominal area. An ultrasound was done to rule out appendicitis....all was fine there. Then the ultrasound technician got this strange look on his face...and I knew something was up. Back in the room, my doctor informed me that I am now 6-7 weeks pregnant. Meaning that ONE night that I gave in with Ken...that one night that I have talked about so much...I GOT PREGNANT!! Now...here's the strange part. The dates are completely off...none of the dates match...(ovulation, etc) except for the actual "making of the baby" date. I should not have been anywhere near "being fetile" at that time...and the only explanation my doctor could give me was "God must have really wanted you to have a baby" and that sometimes "he can have a real sense of humor about the timing of his plans." With the rape, the previous pregnancy, the second and third attacks, all the pills that I took...and there is still a healthy looking baby growing. The doctor said that "it's beat the odds, and we have another determined soul on our hands". Let me tell you, I nearly fell of the gourney when he told me that I didn't have a stomach virus, but was having morning sickness. Never in a million years did I think I was pregnant!!!! So, I went next door and talked with a Genetic counselor, and all the meds that I've been on are Tier A or B (or 1 and 2) and none will likely do harm to the baby. So...I've been experiencing SOOOOO many emotions today. I don't know why this happened, I don't understand it, but I have to believe that this happened for a reason...especially going against so many odds. I have to believe that. I just had no idea. No idea at all. With my other pregnancies, I knew almost right away...I would just get that feeling. But this time, nothing! And I think it's because my mind is so consumed with so many other things that I never listened, because now that I "know", I'm feeling it.
Last night was a nightmare with Ken, and we had a pretty big blow up...the worst we've ever had. He was saying something about me being sick and using it to not do stuff...so, instead of being creative and telling him in a cute way, like I have with the rest, I just threw the paper at him, and told him to read it. He read it, and instantly walked over and hugged me, and apologized. Today has been better with him...and he's already talking to my stomach, and is excited to have yet, another one. (He does this the entire pregnancy...). I've spent the day trying to absorb the fact that we are going to have another baby...and I think I'm coming around with the idea, and am starting to feel the "excitement" that should be there, unlike the last pregnancy.
So ladies...it's going to be an insane nine months...the move, trying to get settled, and now the pregnancy. I'm gonna be needing as much support as I can get...
I thought my hands were full before...sigh!
Anyway, ya'll have been there for me through so much these past months...I want you to be there with me through this...I need you all to be my coaches. I know things are still insanely difficult, and I know times will still be trying, but I need to be able to hold on through them. I need to do this not only for my other kids...but now for this one, too. And you guys are great at helping me get over those mountains that seem impossible to climb.
Thanks again for everything...I love all of you...
Wow Amber....what a shock, even for us here!!!! I cannot believe your luck....honestly, it is unreal. I dont mean that in a bad way, it's just unreal, the timing. You must have been completely dumbfounded when they told you!!! No wonder you thought you had the stomach flu.
So you are already 6 weeks.....I shudder to think that you were pregnant during this last attack. Honestly, when it happened Amber....I had thought to myself....maybe its a good thing that she wasnt pregnant then..referring to your previous pregnancy. Little did I know eh? But thank the Lord that this child is healthy and well.....
Amber, I'm sure it was a crazy shock for you...but in two days, you seem to have absorbed it well. I'm sure Ken was shocked as well....and I'm sorry that he was being horrible to you again, but at least that thank God, he came around and smartened up when he heard the news. It's very overwhelming news Amber....and I know you've had so many feelings about your kids over the past months, and not being able to be with them. But I have never lost sight of what a wonderful mother you are....and you will be to this child as well. I know the circumstances and the timing are very off.....but if you feel able to do this, to care for this child.....as it sounds like you want to try...then I think this might be a ray of hope. Dont get me wrong Amber, babies do not "fix" things...this child will not take away all the pain you have endured....nothing can. All I'm saying is that.....if in your heart, you are even already feeling some "excitement" that says alot. Maybe this child has been brought to you as a blessing, as a "thread" for you to hold on to.....to find your way back to your family, to yourself. You've said so many times to us that "you cant do it".....maybe this child will help you....and maybe out of all this darkness will come something that brought you out of it.....
I know it will be hard....you are having a hard enough time with your other 3 children....it will be a tough road........the way you describe your feelings right now is very different than the last time....and that gives me hope. Hope that when your family is settled somewhere new...that you and your family will be whole again....that you can feel safe enough to heal for yourself....and when you do that Amber....you will be "Amber" again....
I'm sure you have alot of mixed emotions about this pregnancy, how could you not? But you sound a little different to me...not as panicked. Ken's reaction when he found out...sounds like he has been supportive.....better late than never I guess. I'm glad you're feeling hopeful about this pregnancy Amber....but I know that all your feelings are still "there".....and they wont just disappear....so we'll get you through the next months okay? I'm sure we'll all be here for you.......I know you, and I know you will take care of and love this child....but dont forget to take care of YOU as well, okay? We'll make sure you do!!!!
in your heart, you are even already feeling some "excitement" that says alot. Maybe this child has been brought to you as a blessing, as a "thread" for you to hold on to.....to find your way back to your family, to yourself. You've said so many times to us that "you cant do it".....maybe this child will help you....and maybe out of all this darkness will come something that brought you out of it..... carsam
all i can say is...nothing. i'm left with my mouth open. i wanted to say WOWOW, but that just not enough.
thank god that caroline has had the presence of mind to be able to put words on paper and describe her thoughts and feelings about this whole situ., so i'm taking it from her mouth and repeating it like a parrot!! that's all i can say right now. it's really unbelievable. AND, your ENTHUSIASM showed through your writing, Amber!!!!!!!!!!!! i/we know how much you love babies, and how much you devoted yourself and your efforts to making others feel blessed by a child being born, even in your business. .... you know, the more we live the more we realize we don't know much at all!!!! this incredible event is making it for me really hard to doubt that something grander governs our lives, my dear girl!!!! i can only imagine your happiness. i know how you agonized before, when you did 'what you had to do' while in the hosp. you agonized over choices, etc. and you drove yourself crazy with thoughts. and look what happens now. my dear girl, i truly don't know what to say to you anymore. again, i'm referring back to what caroline said, cuz i can't say it any better.
may you rest well tonight and may god bless you all!
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...
Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 08-30-2007 at 09:26 PM.