I am looking for some support. I am the oldest of four children. my father was (is still) a raging addict to........whatever--alcohol, pills, coke, pot. he still held it together enough to see me out of the house at 18 semi-normally. My mother was an enabler. It's a really long story, but I turned out seemingly normal, to the outside world, anyway. I am a fully functional person. I have a job as a manager which I have held for 11 years. I have 45 people under me. I got married five years ago and have a four and a two year old. After my youngest was born, I had what I thought were the baby blues. This condition was more severe than the depression I have been dealing with since my late teens. My Primary care doc put me on celexa and xanax. I don't know what the deal is, but lately I have been having a real hard time coping with life. Everyday life is just REALLY stressful to me. I don't want to get out of bed. I am crabby and I can't focus on anything going on around me. I just want out of life. I feel like I just want to unzip this life I have created for myself and hang it in the closet for awhile until I can deal with it again. I have been seeing a therapist (again) for the last 18 months. She's been helpful and I have learned things from her, but I feel almost done with that. I saw my primary again yesterday and he reccomended I see a psychiatrist to get a more pinpointed diagnosis and new meds. I really feel like I need help. Please--pick away!!.......................
Hi CapeCod, I had to check your post carefully to make sure that you weren't my neice! My neice had the same set-up (almost). She is very successful now but she sure ain't happy. She finally entered counseling last year and is getting some good results. From dealing with my own issues and listening to others I thought of a few issues that might be bothering you. How are you at meeting your own needs (realizing them and then following through)? Are you anxious?
I do have anxiety problems. I recently had a problem where I would get so anxious that I would get mini-hives. That was a hard thing to go through and figure out. I am not good at understanding my needs. As far as meeting them, well, I'm a mother of two young children, I work full time, and I have a husband who barely gets the whole thing. Go figure. My husband thinks I should just "let it go". How do you let go of something that is so ingrained in you that you don't know any other way? I have, again, started self medicating. Retail therapy, smoking cigarettes (which I had given up for 6 years until recently), drinking wine. This is on top of my medication. None of the ways I have chosen to pacify myself are healthy, and that adds to my stress. I feel like I am in a garbage disposal. I am a big walking garbage disposal. I don't feel like doing anything healthy like reading and writing about my issues. I just feel like self-mdicating to take the pain away. I take .5 mg of xanax a day, at night when I am with my kids, to help me feel like a normal, patient, encouraging mother. I feel guilty for this, too, which adds to the "garbage disposal" feeling. My dad was a pill addict, so in my mind, I'm following in his footsteps. My therapist has been helpful in making me understand my self-destructive behavior, and catching the self-medicating things before they get out of control. I always feel as if I am on the verge of going down the tubes.
Hey girl, I am sorry. I hear your pain. From my understanding this pain has to come out, release the volcano, and then you will feel better. I had to deal with anxiety and meeting my needs too. Getting comfortable with my feelings was major for me.
I can tell you from personal experience, that I think Xanax is a bad drug. Maybe some people have luck with it, but it made me feel worse and worse the longer I was on it. I think a visit to a psych md would help a lot, he might suggest a better medicine for you. I got off Xanax and felt much better. It was not easy. I have been through many trials and tribulations with meds...I found Klonopin which is very light weight and Cymbalta..for now are working great for me. I have been suggested to go on a mood stabilizer, but being on the right anti-depressant for me is the important thing.
I have finally found a wonderal therapist also, that I can talk to.
Just my 2 cents. I hope things get better for you!!