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Old 08-30-2007, 05:36 PM   #1
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Depress "shun"

Hello all,

I have been posting on a few of your threads and decided to create my own.

Among other things, I was diagnosed with depression.

Was injured in a MVA over two years ago and have had a lumbar fusion and
just recently a stimulator.

My QOL (Quality of Life) seems to be severely compromised at the time.

If it's not cervical, it's lumbar.

There are nine doctors stored in my cell and another two appointments tomorrow.

If it were'nt for my teen daughter, who I am raising(single parent), I don't know where I would be at times.

Now she's acting out, as I am unable to be there for her(sports,amusement parks, movies, etc.) as I would like to.

Doctors tell me that this is reasonable; being depressed.

Do I wear it "on my sleeve" when on the outside; no.

I need to "keep up appearances" because I live around people who like to kick a person when their down(you've heard about crabs in a barrel).

I post positivity and truly believe what I post but when i attempt to process it with respect to my own situations "it just doesn't seem to compute" at times.

Forget about parental support; mom passed in 2002(God rest) and pop is all too consumed in his own life to care, much less notice.

I really want to "shun" this depressed mood i'm in but it's easier said than done.

Phoenix
(Ryan)

 
Old 08-30-2007, 07:20 PM   #2
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Re: Depress "shun"

Hey Ryan,
I just signed back on for a bit and saw your thread....so as I said, here I am!!!

I dont know much about your background...and I'm sure one thread wont obviously tell all....but from what I read....I can see why you would suffer from depression. Ryan, did you suffer from it "before" you had this accident? And if so, I would assume the accident has made your depression worse?
I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by lumbar fusion...this is all to do with your back? That's rough my new friend....back pain is really hard to deal with...I feel for you. Nine doctors....so when I say that its hard to deal with, that's probably an understatement if you need that many doctors. Were you okay before you were injured? (Sorry for so many questions, but I am just getting to know you....)
Ryan, I have great respect for single parents. I have a 3 year old son....just one child.....and some days I just need a damn break. I am so thankful, I have that support, and I do think to myself some days, wow, single parents really are amazing! Its a tough job even when you have two. And you have a teenage girl.....hmmm.....do you think Ryan she's acting out purely because she's a teenager? Are you guys close? When you say you are unable to be there for her, do you mean because of your physical pain? As long as you love and support her Ryan, that's all that matters, really. That's what she needs. Especially as a teenager, its so important.
When you say you have to "keep up appearances" because you live around people......who are these people? Friends, family? Because Ryan, anyone who knows that you suffer from great physical pain, and are raising a child as a single parent should understand that it is alot to handle....and should offer support...not "kick you when you're down". But sigh....life's not exactly like that is it.....
I can relate to what you said about how you post "positivity" to others and you believe what you post...but it's different to put into practice for yourself. I do the same thing Ryan. I give everyone advice....and I listen to all the advice that is given to me...and it's all good, every word of it....I appreciate...but I have a hard time actually acting on it. I can advise advise advise...but I hit a brick wall when it comes to myself. I guess maybe we're all like that...
Sounds like you have issues with your dad Ryan.....maybe I'll learn more about that if you feel like sharing.......I'm sorry about your mom....
Nice talking with you.....sounds like you have alot on your mind.......I'm happy to listen anytime.....
Have a good night...
Caroline

 
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Old 08-30-2007, 07:40 PM   #3
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Re: Depress "shun"

Carolyn,

PTSD since 1990 but worked really hard to get past my brother's death(1990)(God Rest).

Over the years I had my ups and downs and finally began to "see the light" so to speak; then mom passes.

I "picked up the pieces" and was really moving along(inventions,non profit org founder,super,etc.).........

and then the accident.

My daughter and I were much closer before my accident.

You see, the mother is in and out of jail and at last count has three other kids(not mine) that I know about. Haven't seen her for approximately 5 years.

Enough for now.

We'll talk later.

Ryan

 
Old 08-30-2007, 07:58 PM   #4
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Re: Depress "shun"

I can relate to what you said about how you post "positivity" to others and you believe what you post...but it's different to put into practice for yourself. I do the same thing Ryan. I give everyone advice....and I listen to all the advice that is given to me...and it's all good, every word of it....I appreciate...but I have a hard time actually acting on it. I can advise advise advise...but I hit a brick wall when it comes to myself. I guess maybe we're all like that carsam.

same here!!!! the hardest thing is putting what we learn into practice. doing it hands-on. we know, we realize, we understand the 'what, where, how,' of what would benefit us. we understand it so much that we get tired of talking about it. people say, 'take little steps,' -- but sometimes when one's in the middle of the fire, like i always say, it's so difficult to see beyond that, and we're engulfed and feel the whole, wide world is bearing down on us...can one even see the 'tiny, baby step' then?

then, when we take into account physical pain (esp. chronic), it triples and quadruples the 'hell.' at least that's my experience with my migraines.

ry, i hope/ i'm sure you must be talking to a pro too, b/c i don't know how you'd sound this way (to me this is relatively good) otherwise!! like caroline said, you're amazingly strong, and you care so much for your daugther. i also think that you, just having had to go through such experiences, have developed a deeper understanding and a more generous nature. i believe you've taught your daughter good values, and even if she may be "acting out" now and again, no doubt you've instilled a strong moral compass in her, ryan. i know she sees what you are going through and she is perhaps/more than likely affected by it too. at this age, you know how we compare against others--i.e., well, so and so's dad is doing this and that...so and so's mom...etc., etc., etc.... but i think this is a normal part of being a teen. i also think that she is probably more emotionally mature than her peers. i don't know much at all about you or your family background (hope to as time goes on), but from the few lines you wrote, you sound like an awsome person and a great dad!!!!

maybe with time, we'll all get to know each other better on here, and find ways to help and support each other...maybe even ways on how to start to "just do it," instead of just thinking about it/knowing it..

fondly,
D.
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 08-30-2007, 08:05 PM   #5
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Re: Depress "shun"

by the way, i love the legend of the phoenix bird. it's one of my favorites. very inspirational!!!
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 08-30-2007, 08:17 PM   #6
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Re: Depress "shun"

Hey Ryan...
I'm still around....keep saying I'm logging off and then I just check back...I'm addicted sometimes.
Sounds like your life has been like a roller coaster.....very much up and down....every time you get up there, it comes back down. I know maybe you've shared enough for one night and we can talk more...but just wanted to say that, and I'm sure it's obvious....but just because you're not as close with your daughter, doesnt mean she loves you any less. It's totally natural being a teenager to lose a little bit of that "connection"....it just came badly timed with your injury as well......and the fact that her mother is not around. Alot for a teenage girl to deal with, and in turn that would affect your relationship. Even so, I'm sure she loves you just as much. And the fact that you are her sole parent...means that even if it's not obvious sometimes, that in itself is a very strong bond Ryan.
Look forward to talking more with you, and thanks for sharing some of your story.
Caroline

 
Old 08-31-2007, 03:26 AM   #7
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Re: Depress "shun"

Caroline,

It's ironic that you used the words "roller coaster" because I can no longer ride on one .

I looked at my daughter and my relationship with her.

She is more mature than most of her peers; even her teachers say that she is a born leader.

We really are close as ever (her "daughterly" love is evident).


Since I have raised her solely for close to 12 years, no one knows better than I; why she would be prone to certain behaviors.

We go bra and pad shopping and neither of us feels out of place.


She arrived on the scene of the accident and was in tears and was ready to tell off and possibly try to exert some bodily harm on the other driver.

I never saw that side of her before; attempting to be protective of her father (a Hallmark moment in the making).

She's had dreams that I would meet my demise for two years......
and i'm just finding out now.

One thing is that I never grew up female, so I feel at a slight disadvantage with the "finer points" of womanhood(even though i've done the research).

With respect to relationships, i've never had "jane, janet and jennifer" sharing time intervals; always one at a time.

I wanted to show my daughter by example, how a male should treat a female in a relationship.

So when I see things unraveling before my eyes, depression has no choice but to be the "soup of the day" for me.

Ryan

Last edited by Phoenix; 08-31-2007 at 03:28 AM. Reason: elaboration

 
Old 08-31-2007, 03:42 AM   #8
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Re: Depress "shun"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota_Skye View Post
[I]

when we take into account physical pain (esp. chronic), it triples and quadruples the 'hell.' at least that's my experience with my migraines.

ry, i hope/ i'm sure you must be talking to a pro too, b/c i don't know how you'd sound this way (to me this is relatively good) otherwise!! like caroline said, you're amazingly strong, and you care so much for your daugther. i also think that you, just having had to go through such experiences, have developed a deeper understanding and a more generous nature. i believe you've taught your daughter good values, and even if she may be "acting out" now and again, no doubt you've instilled a strong moral compass in her, ryan. i know she sees what you are going through and she is perhaps/more than likely affected by it too. at this age, you know how we compare against others--i.e., well, so and so's dad is doing this and that...so and so's mom...etc., etc., etc.... but i think this is a normal part of being a teen. i also think that she is probably more emotionally mature than her peers. i don't know much at all about you or your family background (hope to as time goes on), but from the few lines you wrote, you sound like an awsome person and a great dad!!!!

maybe with time, we'll all get to know each other better on here, and find ways to help and support each other...maybe even ways on how to start to "just do it," instead of just thinking about it/knowing it..

fondly,
D.
Dear D.,

I see a psychiatrist once a month.

The entire therapy modality was "done to death."

The therapists did all they could but when an individual drops psychiatric schools of thought and behaviorist theories during sessions, I guess it makes them uneasy(my opinion).

Last few therapists I had negative experiences with.

My daughter knows what I am capable of doing and have done; I guess that she awaits the "rebirth of dad."

As do I.

Ryan

Last edited by Phoenix; 08-31-2007 at 01:47 PM. Reason: left out the word could

 
Old 08-31-2007, 06:27 AM   #9
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Re: Depress "shun"

Hey Ryan,
What a great post!!! From a couple of messages, I can see that your daughter is very lucky to have you! Your relationship sounds wonderful Ryan. As she grows older and especially when she has a family of her own, she will appreciate even more all the love and support and the wonderful way you've raised her. She'll probably look for someone who has the same traits as "dad"...especially since you've obviously given her so much love and respect through her life.
You know your situation reminds me of Amber....you have this great love for your child....but the damn circumstances of life have thrown you for one hell of a loop..and you worry for your relationship. I believe firmly that no matter what goes on in life....no matter what struggles we face, or what turmoil....we always can let our children know we love them. Give them that foundation so that they know and understand, that during times of life, when parents become "people" and that child has to watch them endure hardships, that the foundation is always there, and is unbreakable. Your daughter obviously means so very much to you Ryan...you've raised her alone....and from your brief description she sounds like a very caring young lady. You've had a lot to deal with physically and emotionally, and you still manage to keep on going. You should be proud of that!
I think you said you had a couple of doctors appointments today, I hope they go well.....
Talk to you later Ryan,
Caroline

 
Old 08-31-2007, 01:24 PM   #10
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Wink Re: Depress "shun"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix1 View Post
I need to "keep up appearances" because I live around people who like to kick a person when their down(you've heard about crabs in a barrel).
Dear Ryan,

I am sorry for your back problems, I cannot relate to that but I sure can relate to severe depression and "putting on a happy face" because, my family is famous for the old kick down more if you are down. I think it is rather sick and disgusting. I would never do that, but as I am learning, we sure as hell cannot control those around us, only ourselves. Much easier said than done.

Please enlighten me on the crabs in a barrel. I have not heard that one.

I thought I was the only one on the board with the family issue. I get basically no support unless there is a crisis. If I had support before a crisis, maybe it could have been avoided. No one seems to get that through their thick head.

My dad argues that is supportive. Financially yes, otherwise, he drags my self esteem in the gutter. He has no understanding of what it means to be supportive.

So at least you have me to understand. For what help that is. And I am sorry you have this problem too.

Good luck,

karen51

 
Old 08-31-2007, 01:57 PM   #11
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Re: Depress "shun"

Quote:
Originally Posted by carsam View Post
Hey Ryan,
What a great post!!! From a couple of messages, I can see that your daughter is very lucky to have you! Your relationship sounds wonderful Ryan. As she grows older and especially when she has a family of her own, she will appreciate even more all the love and support and the wonderful way you've raised her. She'll probably look for someone who has the same traits as "dad"...especially since you've obviously given her so much love and respect through her life.
You know your situation reminds me of Amber....you have this great love for your child....but the damn circumstances of life have thrown you for one hell of a loop..and you worry for your relationship. I believe firmly that no matter what goes on in life....no matter what struggles we face, or what turmoil....we always can let our children know we love them. Give them that foundation so that they know and understand, that during times of life, when parents become "people" and that child has to watch them endure hardships, that the foundation is always there, and is unbreakable. Your daughter obviously means so very much to you Ryan...you've raised her alone....and from your brief description she sounds like a very caring young lady. You've had a lot to deal with physically and emotionally, and you still manage to keep on going. You should be proud of that!
I think you said you had a couple of doctors appointments today, I hope they go well.....
Talk to you later Ryan,
Caroline
Caroline,

Thanks for the kind words.

I agree that a firm foundation is unbreakable.

My daughter will be alright; I will see to that.

My physical and emotional state help me to realize that I am stronger than I give myself credit for but at the same time "my proverbial plate" has seconds and thirds on it.

Yet I try to remain optimistic.

Ryan

 
Old 08-31-2007, 04:11 PM   #12
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Re: Depress "shun"

Quote:
Originally Posted by karen51 View Post
Dear Ryan,

I am sorry for your back problems, I cannot relate to that but I sure can relate to severe depression and "putting on a happy face" because, my family is famous for the old kick down more if you are down. I think it is rather sick and disgusting. I would never do that, but as I am learning, we sure as hell cannot control those around us, only ourselves. Much easier said than done.

Please enlighten me on the crabs in a barrel. I have not heard that one.

I thought I was the only one on the board with the family issue. I get basically no support unless there is a crisis. If I had support before a crisis, maybe it could have been avoided. No one seems to get that through their thick head.

My dad argues that is supportive. Financially yes, otherwise, he drags my self esteem in the gutter. He has no understanding of what it means to be supportive.

So at least you have me to understand. For what help that is. And I am sorry you have this problem too.

Good luck,

karen51
Dear Karen,

I hear you, on so many levels here.

I have made a "conscious decision" to leave certain family members out of my life, which leave very few left.

The thing is, once a determination of this magnitude is put into action, there can be no turning back; this is what they all would expect.

It's not so much about us showing them(for they will have no choice but take stock in your actions) as letting ourselves know that we possess the strength to do so.

Some will respect, hate and a mixture of the two but you know what; it's our life and we must do what we feel is the right thing for us.

The "crabs in a barrel":

If you ever open up a barrel of crabs you will notice that some will attempt to claw their way up and out.
The others take notice and will hold onto that willful crab, thus preventing it from attaining its' ultimate goal; freedom.

My father is newver going to understand me and admitted that I am too complex to figure out.

Maybe if he were there to help raise me..............at any rate.

I am the enigma of the family at this point and my philosophy concerning this is:

"I would rather you underestimate me(for I can surprise you) or overestimate me(for I always keep a person on their toes) than to know exactly what I am made of.

Those that I exposed my kind nature to, tended to take advantage of it.

There are more of us here than you know.

Stay a while; you are of help and your worth is priceless.

Just give yourself a chance.

Ryan

 
Old 08-31-2007, 04:49 PM   #13
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Re: Depress "shun"

Hi Ryan....
How was your day?
Just read through your posts....I enjoy reading them, you are an interesting person to get to know. And yes, I think you do sound optimistic. Interesting story about the crabs, I too had never heard that one.
You know Ryan, what you and Karen were talking about family.....I can understand that as well. You were saying you have made a conscious decision to leave certain family members out of your life. I believe that just because a person is "family", does not mean they "should" be in your life. That bond of being "family" means something, only when that person is worthy of it. Ourselves included of course. Family are people that love and support you, and people that you love and support in return. It is a bond like no other. But that bond can as damaging as it is loving....those people can hurt you...and yes, I believe they should not then be a part of our lives. Through the past couple of years, people I have counted on as family, I dont even speak to. Cousins I grew up with have gotten married, had children, without my knowing....all in the name of "family tensions". Family I knew since I was a child may as well have fallen off the face of the earth, because as people got older, and illness set in, some chose to run a mile, and became people we thought we knew but didnt.
You know Ryan, I can honestly say there are people on this board who I have come to care about, more than some members of my family. People here who give me more than people who could be considered part of my family tree. I love the saying "Friends are the family you choose for yourself". This is so true for me.
Sounds like you have alot of issues with your dad.....in a few short posts, I can sense that easily. Take heart Ryan, that your daughter will never be on a message board having someone say that to her about "her dad". No matter what your relationship with your father, you seem to have learned to not repeat those mistakes with your daughter, as you say you are very close. I think that's great, because as much as alot of us say we wont be like our parents, we dont all live up to that promise. You seem to have accomplished that, so I admire that.
Hope your appointments went well today?
Bye for now,
Caroline

Last edited by mary09; 08-31-2007 at 04:52 PM.

 
Old 09-01-2007, 04:02 AM   #14
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Re: Depress "shun"

Dear Caroline,

Yesterday was one of those "reflection" type of days;Friday evening, trying to see where the week had gone in such a hurry.

You are too kind with your words but I tend to "shy away" from compliments because I never received any growing up.

I thank you nonetheless.

My way of expressing myself comes from years of under-appreciation.

Nothing I did was good enough; so I internalized a lot.

At least in "my world" I was able to feel alive........

Enough about that.
--------------------------------------
Leaving family members out of my existence was necessary.

It's like they kept "clawing and clawing" and eventually drew blood; i'm tired of bleeding.

Some will take and take until you have no more to offer.

It's not "what have you done for me," it's more like "what have you done for me; lately" and this would frustrate me to no end.

A cousin once said "family is allow certain liberties."

If that is how he chooses to live, then good for him.

Most family members(in my family anyway) tend to listen only to "their internal song" and no one elses.

Sad but true.

People here listen and respond.

The sensitivity to the specific issue often comes from the similarities in situations.

Share enough of yourself(with reciprocation) and feelings are inevitable.

Now there's one i've never heard: "friends are the family that you choose for yourself."

I like it.

My father is the "Masters Degree, political clout, religiously affiliated type of person, who treats people more like employees.

I often said that my father taught me how "not to be a parent."

The things that he subjected me to, I would never do to my daughter(not in a million years).

My appointments were more about taking out stitches and follow ups than anything else.

That reminds me; forgot to make an ENT specialist appointment(yet another doc).

What can you do?

How was your day?

Ryan

 
Old 09-01-2007, 12:23 PM   #15
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Re: Depress "shun"

Hey Ryan,
My day was okay yesterday, and today....thanks for asking. Things are peaceful at the moment in my family, no tension this last few days, so I'm enjoying the break..It's a long weekend here, so I have Monday off which I could really use the break from work.
Its amazing how much the ideal of what a family is, is such an impact in our lives. There is a pre-conceived notion that family love is unconditional, that parents are supposed to protect their children....that they love their children no matter what they are or look like, that they are proud of them always. These are all notions of a "perfect world" family. I believe that if you have a family like this, you have struck gold. But most are not....and it's a long way to fall from this pedestal of what family should be. Because our families are the people that mold us as we are children....they have much time to shape us into what we're like today. As adults, we tend to find in friends what we cant in our family. Friends give us support, encouragement, and dont make us feel less than we are.
So Ryan, I know you usually post on the PTSD board....does that come from your father? I know you've also dealt with losing your mom, your brother and your injury....but if you feel like sharing more I'd be happy to listen. I would never be offended if you told me to back off with the questions... I know talking about things can sometimes trigger off emotions, so of course if you dont want to talk about it, I would respect that.
You said you had to have stitches out? Everything okay there? (gosh arent i nosey?")
Anyways, I hope you're enjoying your day......will talk with you again soon.
Caroline

Last edited by mary09; 09-01-2007 at 12:23 PM. Reason: spelling

 
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