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Old 08-31-2007, 10:04 AM   #1
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Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

I am extremely worried about our 13 year old son.
He is bipolar and has ADHD. That is just a small part of it.
I am so worried about him. He is so isolated from everyone else.
He is so shy he won't talk to anyone. He plays on his school football team and is scared to make contact. He is scared to tackle, scared to make contact when they are just going through the drills not even making full contact. He won't look anyone in the face when they are talking to him.
He has boys at school on and off his football team and girls that try to talk and joke around with him and he just hangs his head down and doesn't say anything back, they say hi, he just stares at them.
We have taken him to a child psychiatrist who said it was partly his personality being shy and partly his bipolar, so he put him on Abilify and Dextrostat for his bipolar and ADHD.
He has already lost his starting spot on the football team both offensive and defensive that he was on because he is scared to make contact, scared to talk to his teammates or even the coaches. He won't tell the coaches he needs something or tell them what he wants like they are going to snap at him. His coach got on to him the other day because his pants were too big and he wouldn't go up to the coach and tell him what he needed.
He said to us its not that hes afraid to tackle, he says hes not afraid of being hurt but he doesn't know why. He loves football so much, we were going to take him out of it completely and he begged us not to that he wants to play but I don't know what to do to help him anymore.
He is such a shy, sweet boy but doesn't have many friends because he won't speak and won't go hang around the other boys when they are playing around and joking. He stands off to himself.
I don't know what to do. Is anyone in this situation with their children where they are so passive, shy and withdrawn? Are there any good activities I could get him into to help bring out his self confidence and build on his self esteem? I don't even know if this medicine is working and I should try another psychiatrist. I am so worried about him and it makes me want to cry that no one will ever see what a sweet, hard working, great kid he is and never make any friends because he won't talk and won't open up. He loves football too but he is scared to even go up and touch someone when they are just running the motions not full contact on a play. He is missing out on so much in his life. He wants to go to college and play football but somethings gotta give and change somewhere and I don't want to push him and get him hurt emotionally or make him hate me for pushing.
Any suggestions here are so greatly appreciated.

 
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Old 08-31-2007, 10:22 AM   #2
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

Hi,

Psychology student here, hope I can help.

First, you said he lost his spot on the team, meaning he played before and was fine?

Second I would ask if there is any history of verbal, physical or sexual abuse?

He is very young to be put on medication IMO.


From the way you write, he is bipolar and has ADHD. I dont doubt that but what you need to do first is get rid of the social/environmental factors that may be doing this, and even look at other things.

For example, if there was verbal, physical or sexual abuse..those things are clear.

But what if your child is dealing with something they dont want to let you in on? For example, the big thing in this era is children that know they are gay but are so scared, they live in guilt and shame. They are also usually shy, not confident, because the environment around them does not make them feel comfortable. For example, that situation would make a gay male uncomfortable playing football with other males early on in his life because he is dealing with so many different feelings of confusion.

Lots to really think about..but be cool to hear what your doctors have said..and what you experienced as he was growing up. Usually ADHD is quiet clear from very early on in life.

Last edited by BIH_2006; 08-31-2007 at 10:23 AM.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 10:57 AM   #3
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

Just wanted to let you know that my son is very similar to yours and was all thru school. At first though he would try anything to get friends, like even taking money to school and giving it to them. He got picked on in school for stupid things like too much hair on his arms and so on. But was always puzzleing to me because he is and has always been a good looking boy. Anyway we took him to a few counselors and he tried zoloft but no big change. The reason I'm telling you this is because my son is now 20 yo and is still suffering. He has no friends and no girlfriend. He lives with us. I just now have talked him into getting back on a new med because he is so withdrawn. I wish he could find him a GOOD girl that would give him some purpose and make him see that he is special. Anyway what I wanted to tell you is to stay on top of this now and do everything you can now while you can. I'm kind of stuck in a bad spot because he is 20 now(an inmature 20). Good luck to you and your son. I know you are hurting also. I'm not happy because my Son is not happy and it's hell!! Keep us posted.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 11:22 AM   #4
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

How about having him post here?

 
Old 08-31-2007, 11:55 AM   #5
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

He is too embarrassed to even talk to me, his dad or his friends at school there is no way I could get him to post on here. Although, I'll ask him, I may be suprised.
There is no history of any abuse of any kind. He is in the beginning stages of the mouthy teenage years and we have had our share of arguments with him over anything anyone else would argue with their teenager about, not doing homework, staying up too late watching tv when he should be asleep for school the next day, leaving his dirty clothes and school books etc laying all over the floor, not cleaning his room etc. nothing major and its not a major blown out argument.
I have no doubt that he is interested in girls. There is a girl that he liked at school last year but was too afraid to go up and talk to her, just like the boys he won't talk to anyone.
Everyone at schoo likes him, they just say he is too shy and doesn't talk much.
I try to talk to him, to try to get him to tell me what is wrong. He won't talk to me though, he clams up even with me and his dad and we ask him what is wrong he'll say I don't know.
He hasn't been picked on in school like a bully after him at school to cause any of this that I know of. The school he's in now doesn't tolerate bully's. One fight and you are expelled for the rest of the year and fined. Its a public school system not a private system and it is really well structured.
For his being bipolar and ADHD I don't find it unusual for him to be medicated, he has several friends, cousins, etc that are younger than him and are on ADHD meds. I just wonder if its the wrong meds hes on. If he needs to be changed. Maybe its a severe case of depression and we just need to find the right med. I don't know.
Thank you all for all of your feedback. I really really appreciate it.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 11:57 AM   #6
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

Oh, also I forgot to repost about his football experience.
He lost the spot on his team because he would not perform and tackle to begin with. The coaches have really been working with him or trying to. What I don't understand is he'll go out one day and do great, tackle and wrap up like he's supposed to and just do excellent and then the next day at practice its back to the same, not trying, not tackling.
He is one of the biggest boys the team has and they really need his size but the coaches are starting to give up on him and put another boy in his spot.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 12:21 PM   #7
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

What I will say is this.

His behaviour is that of a teenager. You see you write a lot about shyness, not neccesarily qualities that I would consider that of a bipolar or ADHD person.

Bipolar we are mostly talking about a person with extreme moods. Most of us are always near the middle and we dont go into any extremes. We hover around the middle, we sometimes feel a bit better, then sometimes we go into neutral, and then sometimes we feel a bit down. But the movements are very slow and not extreme. A person that is bipolar can be very happy one minute, the next very very very down. That is obviously not healthy.

In terms of ADHD. Again, we are dealing with opposites. Rather hyperactivity. (the person is all over the place..running around, cant control themselves) or the opposite..not active, inattention and things like that. So there is some signs of ADHD in what you are saying. (not wanting to tackle in football, not cleaning his room, etc)

But again. I am not trying to suggest your son is gay, just saying you are being very naive about the possibility. The reason I say that is well because I am and I lived it. I went out with many girls. When I came out to my mom she actually said "then how come you went out with so many girls..you even went one day with me to this girls house". She was very shocked. I told her I was trying to make her happy. Dont be naive like that of those possibilities. The kid is only 13.

That is just one example. But the lady that posted after really underscores the issues here. Kids present extreme behaviour, weird, or unknown behaviour when they are in an environment where they feel they have to act that way. In today's society we jump to conclusions. Ie. My son is too active..he must have something. ie. My son is too inactive..he must have something. Ie. My son is not interested in anything..he must have something. Ie. My son is too loud..he must have something. Ie. My son is too shy..he must have something. We pump up kids with medication because of extreme behaviour but we dont actually listen to our kids to really see the possibility that it is something else.

It is very possible these are MEDICAL conditions, some of these things we are discussing are inbalances in the brain that do have to be treated with medication. However, people jump into these things too fast without really knowing if that is it. They just wanna solve the problem quickly but maybe there is none medically speaking.

So saying things like "maybe you should get them a gf", etc, is not a good idea. Making your kids live life through your eyes all the time, by getting them into activities you want them to excel at, setting them up with gf's (if that may not be for them) is not the answer. The answer is to create an environment for the child to tell you what they really want. What are their goals, etc. From that you may understand what they really want.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 03:54 PM   #8
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

BIH you probably didn't mean it this way but all boys or men that are withdrawn are not gay. There are many reasons other than that. If my son was gay I would be fine with that as long as he was happy.The reason I said I wish he would find a girlfriend is not because thats the way I want him to be its because he wants one really bad but is too nervous to persue them. If I misunderstood you then I apoligize. I actually did think it was a possibility when my son was younger but not anymore. He has had one girlfriend but it didn't work out. Anyway not trying to attack you I just didn't understand what you meant about my post I guess.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 04:41 PM   #9
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

Yeah, sorry, I did not mean to say he was.

I was just trying to get across one major point:

In today's world, if you look at anything, we are always looking at the quick fix. Quick way to lose weight, quick way to turn back the years, etc In this situation, a quick fix for social, environmentally caused problems/situations.

As I said above, there are valid medical conditions that need medication. But I would be willing to say that there are at least 50% of the people currently getting medicated that do not need it.

Why is that a problem? Well, we are bypassing social, psychological, natural, non-medical avenues, to figure out problems. We are using medications that have way too many side-effects and way too many question marks.

So, I dont think we know our families anymore. Because it seems every problem we have has a medication for it and that is supposed to make it better. We have forgotten how to communicate. We have forgotten how to naturally solve problems and get to the bottom of things. Drugs are becoming the things that take care of us. For children unfortunatley, drugs are becoming the parents.

As I was saying above, every human action has become something to be treated. Kids are too loud, thats a problem. Kids are too shy, thats a problem. etc etc etc And everyone is getting medicated for it.

I watched a show couple of days ago that looked at women who had medical conditions that did not allow them to have children NATURALLY. They tried all these new ways to gain pregnancy and all women were succesful after trying many different treatments scientists have come up with it over the last little while. But the big discussion was, how about research and work into 1) finding out why some women can not gain pregnancy naturally and 2) find ways to fix. Scientists and the medical community has almost stopped trying to find these answers..instead they just said "oh, lets find ways to bypass this natural process". Yet this new stuff that bypasses this natural way of birth is very much unknown. It works but they dont know much about it. What if something is to occur where anyone born this way has some sort of issue where they can't have children themselves (because of the way they were conceived) We would obviously die out. Or what if they pass on some new disease. The point is, we are missing the point.

So, no, I am not saying anyone's child is gay, but what I am saying is many of these problems are social, environmental, situational, and even genetic. And there is actually nothing wrong with them, or at least nothing that cant be fixed naturally.

Last edited by BIH_2006; 08-31-2007 at 04:56 PM.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 04:55 PM   #10
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

Well unfortunately I think I passed the depression crap on to him. I don't think he has it as bad as me but I'm okay with him taking it for a while to get him motivated and feeling good enough to get out and get a job and want to do things again. I do understand what you mean though. I have tried everything else naturally for this depression and anxiety but its just not working. Take care (:

 
Old 08-31-2007, 05:09 PM   #11
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by janart View Post
Well unfortunately I think I passed the depression crap on to him. I don't think he has it as bad as me but I'm okay with him taking it for a while to get him motivated and feeling good enough to get out and get a job and want to do things again. I do understand what you mean though. I have tried everything else naturally for this depression and anxiety but its just not working. Take care (:
Believe me. I understand. I am in a similar situation. Had to quit my job because I was not sleeping. Actually I have been stressed my whole life..been through many things, but always kept going. But I Made one huge mistake and that was getting a job that was during the night. Ruined my biological sleep clock and now I am just not getting sleep. So that has been very depressing. That period of being depressed has put me in a situation where I am aanxious about sleep and I think as a result I am not getting it. Sometimes I cant sleep well, sometimes I do but its just not very good. Its not refreshing. So I am tired when I get up..2hrs of work and my eyes are closing on me.

So I am getting desperate and I may take a mild antidepressant (as I posted in my thread) to help me with that. Still considering it because I look at it as a big decision.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 05:30 PM   #12
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to come across as rude or step on anyone's toes.
I will support my son in anything he wants to do.
I just don't undestand how to help him be happy. It hurts me so bad to see him down and sad all the time. I am just afraid if he doesn't start opening up to people that he will regret it one day.
Kids try to talk to him all the time, boys and girls and he just shys away. Its getting worse and worse. It seems like the older he gets the more withdrawn he gets.
I'll support him in whatever he does. I just need him to tell me what that is so I can help him and I don't know how to get him to open up and even talk to me. I've always tried to tell him you can come talk to me about anything, anytime.
He does have his shy moments, his sad moments, and then can become angry and fly off the handle for the littlest thing. His "manic" moments.
I just want to help him boost his self esteem and confidence in himself.
It hurts so bad to see him sad I just want to cry.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 07:40 AM   #13
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Re: Extremely worried about our son. Very shy and withdrawn.

BIH, I agree with you. Frequently, people get to where they are because of how they have responded to their environment and figuring out what happened here is the way to resolve the issues.

 
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