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Old 08-31-2007, 06:30 PM   #1
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MyOwnPrisonIsMe HB User
Is this depression?

I'm a 23 year old male and I can honestly say I'm never happy! there is always something I'm not happy about. I mean right now I'm in a completely different life I have ever had and it should be great, but yet I'm still not happy?! I'm in university which I love and even a really good part time job. I'm also living with my Fiancee; 3 year + relationship which I question sometimes if I actually love her because of how hard it can get and how up and down the relationship has been to this point, I have a great bunch of mates here and I'm scared I'm going to scare them away because of how I act; like say or do stupid things, scared I don't bother with them enough and always care what they think of me (like I feel they judge me) and I have finally left my old life behind... a life of which I made a lot of bad mistakes and let alone I have a new life here; I can't forget the past; it's like in the back of my head always reminding me of those bad choices I made.

...of course on the outside people don't see any of this, they see a loud out going bloke! but on the inside I feel I'm an emotional wreck. I also suffer with insomnia which doesn't help anything.

Any advice? because I just don't know what's going on with me anymore it's been going on for such a long time now.

PS: I always feel I want to change myself.

Last edited by MyOwnPrisonIsMe; 08-31-2007 at 06:55 PM.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 07:04 PM   #2
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Re: Is this depression?

Hey buddy,

I am not very good at giving advice, but I just wanted to say that I am in the same shoes as you. I am 21 and in college too and I understand what you are going through, especially about the choices we have made in the past and how hard it is to let them go and move on. I have a hard time letting go of the bad choices I made in the past and they are part of the reason why I am not happy and cannot move forward.

But in order to be happy and move forward, we have to close that chapter from the past. It's hard, believe me. Plus I know school can get in the way sometimes and cause some unhappiness. My advice would be to talk to you girlfriend...it might really help to open up to her and just talk. We all make mistakes in life and the hardest part if to forgive ourselves. I know it because that's how I feel in my life and I know I am very hard on my self and my mind is constantly thinking and thinking and trying to fix things...but most of the time I just drive myself crazy. So my friend...I know what you are going through. Not much advice from me....but you take care of yourself.

 
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Old 08-31-2007, 07:10 PM   #3
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MyOwnPrisonIsMe HB User
Re: Is this depression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rsjazz86 View Post
Hey buddy,

I am not very good at giving advice, but I just wanted to say that I am in the same shoes as you. I am 21 and in college too and I understand what you are going through, especially about the choices we have made in the past and how hard it is to let them go and move on. I have a hard time letting go of the bad choices I made in the past and they are part of the reason why I am not happy and cannot move forward.

But in order to be happy and move forward, we have to close that chapter from the past. It's hard, believe me. Plus I know school can get in the way sometimes and cause some unhappiness. My advice would be to talk to you girlfriend...it might really help to open up to her and just talk. We all make mistakes in life and the hardest part if to forgive ourselves. I know it because that's how I feel in my life and I know I am very hard on my self and my mind is constantly thinking and thinking and trying to fix things...but most of the time I just drive myself crazy. So my friend...I know what you are going through. Not much advice from me....but you take care of yourself.
For someone that isn't good at advice that wasn't to bad, the only problem is I can't talk to my partner she was recently diagnosed with mild-depression so right now she's got enough on her plate, but with her being how she is makes me think maybe I too am depressed or always have been? or just not happy? bleh, I don't know what I am all I know is my past is cemented in the back of my brain and it drives me mad so to speak.

Also to reiterate what you said about being hard on yourself and your mind is constantly thinking and thinking and trying to fix things... it's exactly the same for me! I constantly want to change what I say/said around friends because I know I came across stupid and they're laughing at me or I want to be a better person to them. I just want to wake up one day and be taking seriously, have more confidence inside and be someone new.

Last edited by MyOwnPrisonIsMe; 08-31-2007 at 07:25 PM.

 
Old 08-31-2007, 09:27 PM   #4
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Re: Is this depression?

Hi:

I am just speaking from what I know and from what I have seen on this site over the years. I am not a doctor nor do I claim to be one. Now that is out of the way here is what I think. You sound more anxious then depressed and everything you said seems to support that. With pure depression there is nothing. Your emotions are gone, your ambition is gone, your energy is gone and your future is gone. On my bad days I can't see tomorrow in terms of planning because its not there. Most people compare depression to being in a dark hole to me its like being in a straightjacket then put in a large bathtube at first you thrash around trying to get out but then you realize the harder you thrash the more water you swallow so you lie there scared to move, eventualy you figure out how to get out or you give up and drown. Anxiety is different and it makes you question everything you do and the ramifications of a wrong choice. I plan out damn near everything I do to lower the risk of something going wrong. I jump at sudden noises and I am so aware of my surroundings to the point of paranoia. My brain does not stop and is always going a million miles of hour. I am pretty heavily medicated to sleep and that is to stop my brain so I am able to fall asleep. I am rambling.

My advice is go see your doctor for a proper diagnoses. Sleep is essential and it might be a good idea to look into sleeping pills at least til you get a clear idea on how to get healthy again. The past is a tricky one. If it is choices you made then either find a way to make them right or put them to sleep. I am dealing with abuse from some thirty years ago that for whatever the reason I can't come to terms with. Hope this helps

take care
trg247
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Old 08-31-2007, 10:12 PM   #5
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SylAlien HB User
Re: Is this depression?

[QUOTE=MyOwnPrisonIsMe;3186674]

...of course on the outside people don't see any of this, they see a loud out going bloke! but on the inside I feel I'm an emotional wreck. I also suffer with insomnia which doesn't help anything.

QUOTE]

Im the same way, all my friends and peopel i know know me as the outgoing talkative funny guy but on the inside im a mess. feel better dude

 
Old 09-02-2007, 03:03 PM   #6
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Re: Is this depression?

Well what a **** day remember that good part time job has taking a turn for the worse; 4 people walked out, we have lost 75% of our custom because of stock depletion and they pretty much told me I have to work full time while I go through University or there's the door!... so it's safe to say I now got to look for another job... how can this get any worse? I feel no better, infact I feel worse...

...sorry for rambling but I got no one to talk to, I'm not close to my parents any longer, my best mate is constantly working away and my mates here aren't the type to "talk to" and like I can't talk with my partner.

I just don't know what to do anymore, nothing ever seems to go right and if it does then it's not for long! pretty much like my happiness.

Last edited by MyOwnPrisonIsMe; 09-02-2007 at 03:23 PM.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 10:18 AM   #7
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Is this depression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnPrisonIsMe View Post
I'm in a completely different life I have ever had and it should be great, but yet I'm still not happy?! I have finally left my old life behind... a life of which I made a lot of bad mistakes; I can't forget the past; it's like in the back of my head always reminding me of those bad choices I made.

PS: I always feel I want to change myself.
Hi Prison, this reminds me of a book that I read decades ago. In it a plastic surgeon described how he would change the way that people looked but they didn't change this in their minds. They still saw themselves like they did before. I feel that there is a connection here. You have changed your life by making "better choices" but you still have some things to come to terms with inside? Your last line up there - You always want to change yourself is very revealing. You just aren't happy with yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnPrisonIsMe View Post
I constantly want to change what I say/said around friends because I know I came across stupid and they're laughing at me or I want to be a better person to them. I just want to wake up one day and be taking seriously, have more confidence inside and be someone new.
Again, you don't like yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnPrisonIsMe View Post
I'm not close to my parents any longer.
Why?

Last edited by Sannah; 09-04-2007 at 10:19 AM.

 
Old 09-05-2007, 07:17 AM   #8
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Re: Is this depression?

Quote:
Hi Prison, this reminds me of a book that I read decades ago. In it a plastic surgeon described how he would change the way that people looked but they didn't change this in their minds. They still saw themselves like they did before. I feel that there is a connection here. You have changed your life by making "better choices" but you still have some things to come to terms with inside? Your last line up there - You always want to change yourself is very revealing. You just aren't happy with yourself?
I guess some of it is not happy with myself, I never see what's so great about me like some people have said in the past. I don't think I've fully ever hard self-confidence; what people see is a lie to be honest I don't know who I am; all I know is when I'm on my own my mind trails to how I felt when they were laughing at me because of something stupid I said or did; I just don't think before I act or do things, I constantly work on impulses if that makes any sense? I mean right now it's a better day but I know next time I'm in a big group I'm going to want to be center of attention even if that means I put myself out there for ridicule. What's wrong with me? why do I have such a un-realistic look at what a realistic life should be? like not happy with my partner and thinking there is more out there, why can't I just be happy with my friends and always wanting to change things?

Quote:
Why?
I'm not close to my parents any more as I have had to cut the ties that bond so to speak; other wise moving away would of been to hard. We talk every so often but it's not like it used to be, I mean they're even thinking of moving back to my hometown - which is further away! I wouldn't stop them, I would miss them but at the end of the day they got to do what makes them happy but I do miss what I used to have with them, like how close but now I'm working and University is starting up I just don't have enough time.

Last edited by MyOwnPrisonIsMe; 09-05-2007 at 07:19 AM.

 
Old 09-05-2007, 07:59 AM   #9
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Is this depression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnPrisonIsMe View Post
I never see what's so great about me like some people have said in the past. I don't think I've fully ever hard self-confidence;

what people see is a lie to be honest I don't know who I am;

all I know is when I'm on my own my mind trails to how I felt when they were laughing at me because of something stupid I said or did;

I just don't think before I act or do things, I constantly work on impulses if that makes any sense?
I know next time I'm in a big group I'm going to want to be center of attention even if that means I put myself out there for ridicule.

not happy with my partner and thinking there is more out there, why can't I just be happy with my friends and always wanting to change things?

I'm not close to my parents any more as I have had to cut the ties that bond so to speak; other wise moving away would of been to hard.
Prison, I have never heard of anyone pulling away from their parents so that they could move away, interesting....

You say that you have the need to be the center of attention and then this causes trouble for you. I think that there is a reason why you do this and you could gain control over this behavior if you understood it. You get negative consequences from this behavior (ridicule) but you must get something positive out of it or you wouldn't do it. Do you have any more insight into this?

Where do you think that your lack of self-confidence comes from?

You say that you don't know who you are. Why do you think this happened? I think that it is related to why you aren't happy with your life because you really aren't living YOUR life. Who do you think that you are living your life for? (You say that your life is a lie, this ties right into this).

 
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