Hi my dearest friend Carsam, Cybersister and Cybermom, I wish I could tell you I was doing well but I am not. I am not sleeping again and I am talking the maximum amount of sleeping pills I can take in one night and they don't even do anything for me. I am eating less and less every day, like today I had water and a 25 cent bag of chips for dinner (no breakfast or lunch). To tell you all the truth this has been going on for a weeks now and starting the fourth week soon. I have not talked to the doctor or my parents because I have been to working 8 am to 7 pm and when I get home I hide from everyone in my dark hole of a room and listen to music that I can relate too. I went to church Wednesday and to my doctor on Thursday but I am just having a hard time expressing my feeling. All I want to do is cry all day but I can't even do that because I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through, i've never been perfect, and I will never be pefect to you. I say this alot but it is true why must I suffer for someone elses mistakes. It is like the world and god him self hates me and wants me ro suffer on purpose. I keep telling myself that it is not true but each day just adds fuel to the fire and burns my house of hope to the ground like it was nothing. I think tonight I may revert and start cutting again because I feel pretty bad. Well talk to you all latter!!! Maybe???
I am so sorry you are not doing well. The last time you posted, you seemed to be in a much better place. Did anything happen that you know of to trigger this? Please come and talk to us hon, when you start to feel like this, you know we are always here to talk to. Kiba sweetie, I worry about you...you really need to eat, you will make yourself physically ill as well as feeling so low emotionally. Are you working so many hours to avoid going home for some reason? Can I ask what kind of music you are listening to? Sweetie, no one wants you to suffer like this...no one....I know you may not believe that, but not everyone is like the people who have hurt you, I know you are referring to your brother when you say this. Do your parents know you are not doing well?
Kiba, I will wait for your next post hon.
Your friend Carsam xo
Sorry this post is going to be long but needed to understand what is going on in my life. It started five or six weeks ago I started to get in a very depressed mood with some bad thoughts. I told my friend/former teacher and she said you have one night to tell you parents or I will tommorrow and so I let her tell my parents. After my parents found out they called the doctor and the doctor increased my medications to a higher amount. Around that time I was starting to go to a Wednesday healing group at church and a Sunday morning church service which I found GOD and he made me feel a little better. Remind you all medications were increased and nothing happend so I prayed to God and asked for 2 or 3 good days. That is when I got my prayer answered so I sent you all a post that I was feeling better. 2 days latter I was feeling like crap again and plus some. I prayed and asked God why but no answer or help came. That is when all hell broke lose, I started haveing flashbacks of all the bad things that have happend to me in life, feeling depressed, wanting to cry all day, having very bad thoughts, isolation and it is still going on today. I find little happyness right now and I am not sleeping , eating and started cutting last night. I am at the end of my rope and have no place to go. No, my parents do not know this time and I promise to make sure they don't find out. I listen to Linkin Park because I can relate to there lyrics like numb or breaking the habit. I am already feeling physically ill and I am emotionally low is more like 6 ft. under. I have no clue what triggered it but it sucks. I am working so many hours so I can be alone all day and night. I refer to alot of hurt when I talk but it is not all my brother. And I am hating my life alll 100%.
My dear sweet Kiba....
((((((((((((((((hugs to you)))))))))))))))))))))))
Kiba, is this the teacher that was your friend, and they moved her away from you? Were you upset that she forced you to tell your parents how you were feeling? Maybe that was a trigger for all of this, because I know you really trusted her.
I remember when you came and posted, and you did sound so much better. The thing about church Kiba, and I can only speak for myself obviously. I used to go regulary, but dont anymore. But that doesnt mean my beliefs have changed. I know you did feel better, but perhaps because of that, you were expecting the pain to be taken away that day? Just a thought here. Sadly it doesnt work like that.
When you say it's not all about your brother, what do you mean? Do you want to talk about anything else?
Sweetie, I know you are really down right now.....but you really do matter in this life Kiba....you are special....and I know you feel very alone right now....but please dont forget that. Please let me know what I can do to help.
Love you too,
Your friend Carsam xo
Last edited by mary09; 09-01-2007 at 07:55 PM.
Reason: just editing some stuff.....
This is the teacher that was my friend but even after the fact she is still my friend but the school refuses to let me see her without firing her so I can only call her once a month. Yes, it was upsetting because I did not know what to do but I waited till the next day and let her tell my parents how I feel. I did not see it as a trust problem and I don't think that what the trigger because in a way I know if I tell her she must tell my parents or she could lose her job and I was hoping and praying she would tell them. I think the trigger may have been created by myself but it is going to be hard to explain. The doctor says I have what they call dissociative episodes, which means sometimes I am not aware of all that is occurring in consciousness. When this happens, I don't know but to make A long story short I had a dissociative episode while I was writing and after I came out of it I read what I wrote and it was in my had writting I had written A NO NO LETTER without knowing it and it upset me but as time has gone on I wish I had saved it just in case I did it. I think on it everyday all the senseless pain I have gone threw and for what ?????? I wish It would all go away over night but I am stuck with it for life and death. I have no propose in life but to suffer and feel pain. Alot of the pain was caused by myself and my brother but some was caused by others. My life does not matter and I am not special in any way, shape, or form!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know your brother caused you alot of pain, but why do you feel you have caused some of your own pain?
Kiba, I know I am someone who you write to on here sometimes, but when you called me your "friend", am I not? I believe you when you say we are friends. And for that, friends "matter" to each other and they are special to each other. I know that you have friends, I know you have a good relationship with your teacher. And I know that your parents love you. So how is it that you feel your life doesnt matter? It does Kiba, it does!!!! My dearest sweetest Kiba, you can see there are alot of wonderful people on this board.....but why do you think I responded to you? Do you see me responding to everyone? NO, not because I wouldnt like to, because there are just so many people here. But from when I first started reading your posts, something about you made me want to be your friend, why is that then Kiba? If you dont matter....why would I feel that way? Let me tell you....because you ARE special. You are a wonderful young man who goes through pain he does not deserve, who tries so very hard to help himself, and who's only flaw in my eyes, is that he is too hard on himself.
Please do not be so down on yourself.....there are alot of people dear Kiba in this world who are victims of others, and who sadly have to bear those crosses for their whole lives. I know that you are one of them....but I know also that inside you is that wonderful soul who comes out every now and then....and wants to be happy. Reach out to him tonight Kiba....and keep talking. I am here for you sweetie!!!
Sweetie, now you are making "me" cry.......
My dearest Kiba....I dont know how to make this go away for you.....but I know that going down this road of believing you have no purpose in life but to suffer is a very dangerous path hon. When you say you wrote this "no no letter"...do your parents know about? Why did you say you wont let them find out what's going on with you?
Kiba, you are so young.....you have your whole life ahead of you. Some things you can control, and some you cant. This life is a tough journey....full of ups and downs. But Kiba....what is holding you down is what has happened in your past.....you can not change that. But you can hold on, even though its hard...and not let whoever/whatever hurt you damage the rest of your life. You could not protect yourself during those times growing up, but you can do so now. What can you do? Reach out for help sweetheart, dont hide things from your parents....dont do things to isolate yourself, so that you end up just dwelling on this pain. Remember when you asked your friend out to go to the movies, you went to see Spiderman? You had a wonderful time!!! You see Kiba, there are good memories out there to be made...they're not all bad. You just have to believe that you are worth it!!! You are worth the chance at being free of all these feelings. I believe so much you are!!! That is the first thing you need Kiba, is to realize that you are a good person, who deserves to be happy. If you believe that, you have a fighting chance Kiba. Kiba, I am telling you this from the bottom of my heart...if I ever heard that you were no longer "here".....the world would be "less" for me. OK? Do you understand now? Keep working on this Kiba....because the alternative is too much to think about. It would be too sad, and a waste of what should be a beautiful life!!
I love you my sweet friend....please try to love "you" as well!!!!
Dearest Kiba....I am so happy to hear you say this.....
Good luck talking with your parents. I will be up for awhile if you need to talk afterwards.....and if not, I'll assume everything went well and you're getting some sleep.
Kiba hon, do something for your friend Carsam? Eat something tomorrow.....and let me know how you're feeling....okay?
Hello my Dearest Friend Carsam, I did talk to my parents last night and they now know but they think it is little and it is nothing for them to worry over. They keep saying I'm fine and all I need to do is hang in there but it is not fine. My mom asked how long this has been going on and I said 5 or 6 weeks and she said I was making it up. I guess they don't know me very well like they say. For all my life I have been covering up the hurt with a happy face but they don't even notice that or that I am isolatinting again. I would have came back and talked to you last night but I was so mad at my parents I left the house and did not get back till early this morning (I guess you could say I ran away but I came back because I had nowhere to go to and had no money). Never did get any sleep and no I did not eat yesterday. I will try to eat today for you but I am still not ok and feel very sick.
I am sorry that your parents did not respond as they should have. Did you tell them you have barely eaten in days? Did you use the same words that you used here when you wrote your post?
Kiba, you need to make them understand. People who dont know what you're going through just cannot get it sometimes. You say you have been covering up
your hurt all your life with a happy face - sweetie, you need to stop doing that. You need to feel what you feel. Kiba, parents are not perfect...and although they should be able to tell that you are in pain....if you are covering up things then they need to know all of it. You cant help someone if you dont know the extent of their pain sweetheart. Dont cover it up anymore, let it out. Let them know that this is serious, and that you need them.
Do they know you left the house last night? Do you mind me asking - where did you spend the night sweetie? I'm sorry, maybe I shouldnt have pushed you to speak with them.....I am doing a bit too much of that lately, and even though its well meaning, maybe I'm just not helping as I think I am. I will just stick to telling you then to believe in yourself.....to keep on trying to come to terms with your past....and know that none of it was your fault. That you will one day be able to manage this, so it is not as painful for you. I have faith in you Kiba....let's work on this together okay? You know each time you come here, I always respond to you.....so you are not alone. As much as I can, let me help....
Kiba, sweetheart, the reason you're feeling sick is from nerves, and also because you havent eaten.....getting physically ill will only make things worse, not better. And I know in your heart, that's not what you want.
Love, Carsam xo
P.S. I have to go make some dinner for my son now....but I will be back to check in on you.......
Sorry to worry you like that Carsam, I just woke up. I had a very bad migrain yesterday night and I kept throwing up uncontralable even though I had not eat or slept in weeks. So my parents took me to the Emergany Room and the gave me a shot to make me sleep to stop the migrain and the throwing up. I still have not eaten and I still feel tired/physically ill/and mentally ill but I can't seem to get some sleep without sleeping shots and they don't make me feel refreshed or any happyer. I did not use the same words that I use when I post here because I physically have problems telling my parents and other people what I feel and my problems but I think if I write a letter to them I can be more honest with them. How do you stop covering up your hurt when you have been doing it forever??? I never knew how to feel what I am supost to feel.No they don't know I let the house that night. I don't mind you asking. I took my moms car and drove to the eagle creek reservoir, in Indiana. It is 2 hours away from my house by interstate. All I did that night was sit in the car and think about life, my life. I don't mind you giving me advice, I need it and your advise is always good even if I don't like it.
Hey my dear little Cyberbrother, sorry I have not been around in the past few days as I was havng some problems with the Internet and was moving house.
So are you feeling any better now? I really hope you are. You really need to fprce yourself to eat, if you dont eat, everything gets even worse. Sleeping is a problem I have myself, so I dont know what to suggest my sweetheart. But please try eat something at at least dinner time, or you would just feel weaker, please eat, or even just some fresh juices... OK?
Take very good care of yourself, we are all here for you!!
I don't mind you giving me advice, I need it and your advise is always good even if I don't like it.
How are you feeling tonight hon? I hope a little better? I'm so sorry to hear you ended up going to the Emergency Room. I hope it at least made your parents take more seriously what you said to them. Kiba, what you said up above in the quote....if ever I say anything hon that you dont like, you just tell me okay? I dont pretend to know what you are going through....I only know I consider you my friend, and care about you....so I know maybe sometimes my advice may not be something that is feasible. Are you referring to what I said about not covering up your hurt? I know...I know you have been doing this for along time...and I really dont know how to do that...maybe someone else here has better advice for that. But I think writing it out in a letter is a good start, as you say. You can communicate your feelings here very well Kiba....and I know you said you have difficulty doing that with your parents. So try writing it....even if you dont give it to them....keep doing it, maybe one time you'll have the courage to do it? Sometimes things in writing have a lot of power Kiba.....
I hope you were okay going for a drive that long sweetie, as you werent feeling good....and were upset.....let us know how you're doing......
We're here for you.....
Love, Carsam xo