is how i feel right now. i feel i can just about hold my head up on my shoulders. ended up loaded with the cold, coughing away, body is wrecked, exhausted beyond sleeping, have painful cramps and want to rip my insides out.
went out today, met freind, one of those days its just so crap im speechless, said very little, was awkward, very long-probably for her too.
i have nothing left to go on right now, thats it-all reserves are officially GONE. just going to lol about here. im working tomorrow-wonderful, but i dont think ill even feel it. then tuesday i see keira, feel like collapsing on her floor right now and not caring if they close up, turn the lights off and go home. then im meeting freinds for dinner-only way to stand up there is to drink, also have pot lined up. i recognise its a bad choice but i have nothing else, thats just it. every little detail is clouded in a hze, its all hopeless, theres no point whatsoever aside from pleasing everyone else-may as well just do that then, and please myself in secret.
see my doc the next morning. right now couldnt care less if i collapse face first as soon as she opens her door to me, if i did id just lie there face down and let her spend the rest of the day stepping over me-WOULD NOT CARE.
bit nervous about seeing her, but at the same time feel utterly speechless now.nothing more i can give. its in my head to just write out what i need to ask her, what she wants from me-and hand it to her on a peice of paper because i dont think i have the strength to even part my lips to speak.
I'm sorry to see you are hurting......things are not getting any better.
What is it that you need to ask your doctor?
I am worried about you......Kerry, smoking and drinking is not helping you hon....I know it's a way of dealing with things, but they are not helping.
Do you still feel you cant talk to your parents? How much longer can you go on dealing with this all by yourself? I know how hard you've tried....but your therapist and doctor only see you on scheduled visits. You need more than that, you need someone to talk to, whenever you need them, people that love you.....Is it still not something you are ready for?
I'm sorry you're feeling so down hon....
Love, Carsam xo
hey. yep things are crap-feel slightly better this morning with painkillers. still though, im tired, and things are tedious, boring and empty, theres nothing i can do until tomorrow i see my counsellor. im trying but i cant feel any good.
no, still cant tell my parents, worst idea ever-even my counsellor agrees now is not the time. i have told others, i told my freind everything a few weeks ago. its not that the freinds that do know are not supportive, they are but they cannot help me, theres nothing they can say and they cant understand, even though theyre trying. its useless though, in front of others im more or less fine, in fact a lot of the time im the loudest at the party, but other times i sit in a trance.
ive no clue as to how this app with my doc will go, in truth i feel distanced from it. im anxious for it to come but on another level i couldnt care less. i have no hope that shell listen, im not expecting much. you know when i used to see her i was anxious but in a better way, i knew for 5 minutes i could escape, shed listen and id feel relief, hope and a lot less lonely for 5 minutes. now though, with her inconsistancy i cant tell which way itll go. even dropping in my letters to the surgury is a trauma, i get so panicky now, i feel actually frightened of going at times because so many times shes just made a comment or else went the full length and laid into me about something making me feel like dirt-and i know when she presses those buttons it sends me straight down face first because i already feel crap about it anyway, but i push myself 'just in case' and also-its the only option when im doing everything else-she doesnt get how difficult it is for me to put trust in her and then she can be so flippant with everything.
my counsellor and i tomorrow are going to work on what we want out of the app. i need to ask her what her veiw of my progress is, take a step back and examine exactly what has changed since i began and from the answer go from there. also need to ask her what do i say to disability about why im even on it because i have no diagnosis and my fianance needs a letter for my extra disability allowance. i need to understand the contradictions in everything. im hoping a turning point for her will be realising that my counselling sessions are actually due to be up in 2 weeks, but my counsellor is having to extend them for me-which generally isnt allowed but shes bending the rules but it can only happen for so long i guess-then what, ive put my all and still am and i havent moved. also the fact im walking a thin line of losing my job because im incapable even though i turn up-i dont function well. i think maybe she veiws me as a teenager whos struggling to adjust-its not that, yes im bad at adjusting as things change but only cos im carrying extra baggage-with everything else of course its impossible.
so thats it. if she doesnt get it, i dont know what to do then-i hate the silence, it seems hopeless then. i guess if she cant understand and take me seriously its on to the next GP-so my counsellor says anyways. i hope it doesnt come to that because i dont think i can churn all that out again,especially as ive been set back so many times and turned away in my veiw-i cant take fighting proffessionals for help much longer-im exhausted.
any suggestions as to what would be good to ask her-im also going to ask her what she feels shed like from me as the patient, anything else i can do or try, cos sometimes she says i need to try too-but im doing all i can.
I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better today hon. You dont sound as fed up and angry as you did yesterday.
Kerry....I think you are anxious about your appointment with your doc, because she has disappointed you. You have put so much faith in her, and she has hurt you. So now you are almost bracing yourself for her to turn her back on you....that's how it seems to me right now. Kerry, you shouldnt feel this way sweetie about someone who is supposed to be helping you. You should be confident about her reaction, and you shouldnt be scared to go see her. You have tried, you have tried hard....and I hope this doesnt upset you, but I see your relationship with her as having gone stale. Meaning....I dont think she's giving you what you need any more. Look at your words...she "laid into you making you feel like dirt". Kerry, this is not good. I know you have invested alot in this woman, but there are other people out there that can help you sweetie. I think to be honest, it sounds like her attitude when you go see her, is based on her mood that day. Sometimes she's good, sometimes she sends you off feeling horrible.
Listen to me, here's an analagy for you......and I know you're going to think it's stupid....but I always went to this same damn lady to get my hair cut for years. I'm not an adventurous sort by any means..so I usually get the same token "2 inches off" each time I go. I pay her ridiculous amounts of money each time....but I noticed for the last year or so, she started doing a lousy job. Know why? Cause she got used to me saying "2 inches off".....all the time!!! So she just cut my hair and moved on to the next client. I know that was my request, but she never even took time to "style" my hair nicely anymore and I was paying her all this money. Suffice to say, I got a new damn lady to cut my hair now....and when I went, I got a really nice cut.....she took so much care in doing so....and it was like a "fresh look" because she took time to listen to what I was asking. I know you're thinking - hey Irish buddy, what are you talking about here? But it's a small analygy to say that I believe your doctor is like my old hairstylist....and already knows the outcome of your visit before you get through the door. If you switch doctors, I know it will be hard for you, but maybe you can find someone who has some fresh perspective and who will really listen and can give you objective opinions about where you are right now. Kerry, you've tried with your doctor, but you need I think to move on to someone who can help you better. Stick with Keira, and try to consider a fresh start...and to invest in yourself rather than in a new doctor, or if you choose this same one......
Hang in there as Ryan says.....you are working through this!!!!
Love, Carsam xo
no that analagy made sense lol-i do that a lot myself to try and make sense of things. i just wish all i had to worry about was receiving a bad haircut lol. i know it may come to me leaving, but i cant feel for it yet-until it happens, then i blow up-its like i cannot prepare myself for it
i see keira in 2 hours, so ive a list of what i need from tomorrows doc app. it may come to me writing out the list only simpler and handing it to her-its weird, those things can either go one way or the other-she either looks at me like im being stupid or offensive and she cant offer me anything or an answer, or she thinks its really good, she thinks this is me trying(like im not already), its like she gets a burst of enthusiasm because she sees something she can do or provide help with-im hoping itl go like that, but i dont know.
my bullet point letter was very clear, our aim was to highlight the simple obvious signs of depression, it was first and keira hopes she will see that its not something keira herself can help with while everything else is going on, and therapy isnt having an effect on it-especially when it become physical and dibilitating.its just it is underlying everything, i cant seem to move because its constantly weighing down on top of me no matter how hard i try-i waited long enough to know it wont just disappear by thinking hard on everything, its been 5 years and no change. i know she still couldnt fix it with meds-but she could understand me more, try meds and help, right now she just puts everything down to my age because thats what the psych told her-but before when she had diagnosed me she was great and i felt more hope. i just feel i have nothing, no answer, nothing ahead and a load of crap behind me, im just floating here and therapy doesnt make much sense if i dont understand what im trying to fix., keira said it herself-how can you fix something if you dont know what it is???-right now we havent scratched the surface, weve done a lot but theres mountains of stuff, and the depressing feelings just render me incapable.
if it doesnt go well, i need to request all my letters back. i have a feeling shell say they need to be kept on record-my arguement for that is-she says its not medical, therefore the letters have no need to be there if they have nothing to do with medical records-those letters were private, meant for her alone, if she cant help me i see no reason why my most inner thoughts should just sit there in her surgury or for at a time another doctor to reveiw to whom i gave no permission to do so. it makes me anxious that what i feel is wide open for others other than her or keira.
keira also feels she may not realise or appreciate the damage she can do by so few flippant little words-due to the simple fact she doesnt understand how bad it is-she thinks at the worst ill feel a tad bit guilty or perhaps even just told off-but that ill get over it. not the case-it hammers down on everything im already feeling and i cant describe how horrible it is when she messes with my head-sometimes even if she says it all nicely to me.
im going out tonight-but ive just realised i have £40 left in my bank account, no loan, dont get paid for weeks either-so im screwed. but im trying to just drift along and not think about it.
i wont get to a computer agin until after my doc app tomorrow-ill let you know how it goes. one way or the other, even if she does give me meds, i need to know shes commited to helping, its one of my questions actually to her. i cant take the inconsistancy, not knowing if shes just doing this to shut me up-i need to have some solid ground. i dont mean like i can do what i please and go nuts, i mean that i need to know shell listen to me, my suggestions and offer advice when i crash-not just tell me im 19 and thers no treatment for that but growing up.
I am online same time as you hon....
Just wanted to catch you and wish you luck today with Keira...and with your doc. You are sounding much better hon.....you know what you need now from your doc....I'm glad you wrote it all out with the letters.
I also agree your doc needs to understand as you say about the effect of her "flippant" remarks.
Good luck hon.....please let us know how everything goes...I'll say a prayer everything goes well.
hey sannah! well now its and hour and 15 till i see keira, i cant get back until tomorrow anyways to let you know.
i feel numb really, my head feels empty and thats why im able to write i think. i dont like this numb feeling of not caring, i feel like im lying on the floor just waiting for it. i took painkillers for the cramps and all again, its really heavy this month-sorry to ask this-but you know those extra long night pads-im using two of those already and its only almost 3:00 here, not entirley drenched-but yesterday it was-is that heavy or normal?? im just curious, in truth i dont care really.
i dont feel organised, i need keira to help structure what im gonna do and i will need notes myself to read from, as in to check with. its when she starts speaking is the unpredictable part.
thats everyone for wishing me luck. janart-hope you feel better soon, ill let you all know how it goes.
hey sannah. no never used heat to stop it-but its only been 3 days and now its barley there-weird.
anyways, seen my doc this morning. i feel rank, went out last night, was drunk, didnt get stoned though. i was enjoying myself for about an hour and its was good-then i just went head first down. i have a cold and a cough and i sound like a ****.
but she was really good again. she asked me how i was and stuff. then finally some good news-their starting CBT in the surgury and shes putting my name down for it-so ill try my best at that although im scared, keira has talked with me about CBT, she uses it at times-i can be very challenging to anything they try and tell me-i tend to take it all as'pull yourself together'-but in truth im that fed up ill try anything, ill do my best to push myself and not listen to the negative. my doc was hopeful so i feel im hopeful now and for some reason when she feels hopeful i feel the need to justify that-really try myself and then i seem to feel a bit empowered or something. i still feel like crap but at least now im waiting on something, its not just me sitting about feeling like utter crap.
she also gave me a leaflet about support for those who are trying to move out themselves. i asked her what my progress was and she felt nothing-my own thoughts exactly,it doesnt mean much other than i know what she thinks and i feel im not standing in the dark as much.
i still feel rubbish but not as abandoned or hopeless, that someone listened again. i have to see her again soon though for my disability stuff-i have an app with them on friday- im shitting it now i dont know what to say or talk about
im working tomorrow and the thought is killing me, but i have to go-no point stopping althogether.
anyone tried CBT-any good-how can i get the best out of it??-is it really really difficult-keira said yesterday i was my own worst enemy and i know that but i dont want it to stand in my way.
hi sannah-thats good to hear and ill be trying my best. keira said not to research it-just go with it. im not gonna research it, i dont want a set veiw of it before i start, i want a blank sheet. all id like to know what its about and how its meant to work so i know what im trying to do-any ideas??
i hate them saying im my own worst enemy-cos its true, but also then i feel its all my fault-which i realise a lot of this is self cycling, but its so hard.
no i dont like it either-i think they mean i put myself down so much im the reason i cant get up, which to me means'yes its your own fault your like this'-maybe its one of those 'the truth hurts but get over it' kinda things.
i think they mean i contradict all im saying, i trap myself and i argue with myself. my doc today said i was an extreme pessimist-but its just natural, and its a physical overwhelming feeling like how could the possibly be a positive to anything.
i mean-is CBT, simply adjusting negative thoughts, do they go into your past or anything or just deal with the present??
yea im with you on the whole enemy thing, i feel cheated when people say that. i didnt start out this way or just transform into a thoroughly difficult person over night, it built up, it was kept in and it was the best way i managed-its not easy to just wash it all away and see the light sometimes.
i think my doc was refferring to not harming-i never asked, i should have-thats a good idea for next time.
i wont get to a comp till tomorrow-thanks for your help though, you made me feel better about being my own worst enemy!
hi. i went to my disability meeting-theyre really nice there. turns out im meant to have got a dictafone and never got it and £600 quid, but havent yet. it was awkward, he asked how my exams went and i told him they were disasterous. asked why-hard to explain without mentioning that im undiagnosed but still ****ed and need disability. he said that if that happens again with my exams-do not do the exam as the board will interperate it as im fit and well to do them-whereas if i dont go disabilty can defer my exam and i can do when im better able-so thats good.
i have to see my doc again soon to talk over student finance, that friggin leaflet on housing support i dont understand-they mention benefits?? then also about CBT, keira and also if im lying and doing what some may call 'fraud' with disability. afterall im claiming support for something im not diagnosed as having anymore-catch 22 though because i desperatley need the help-so something must go down on that form and i need my doc to write it and also to explain-is that valid??
hey sannah-well no, it wasnt mentioned-i was nervous and i wasnt planning on asking them. until i sort my doc out with what im on it for im nervous of them finding out about me.
however i havent entirley given up, i still plan on subtly getting it out there. in UNI ill begin counselling at the health centre-im hoping the CBT woman will notice i cant organise stuff-which is afterall a key part of CBT. im hoping ill say enough for her to catch on-ya know.its not even i want an excuse for this, or im chasing something-i genuinley worry im incapable, it gives me a lot of anxiety-the thought that my attempts at anything wont matter because im not able-but then thers the other side of-i could just be thick and useless-neither answer is good, but if there was something, id rather just know and get on with it.
my doc seemed to just think it is cos im uninterested in my job-which is true, but that shouldnt be an issue, life is full of dull, tedious boring tasks-but it doesnt mean your incapable of them it just means you dont want to do it-but me, i just cant get it to work, theres no way around it ever.
is this a good idea-im biding my time kinda, trying not to jump at my doc with everything at once-i think its called being tactful.
hey sannah. i know it seems so stupid. but the problem is-im aware people think im chasing some 'diagnosis' or an illness-they really think i would love it and im milking everything. ive told countless times of how utterly desperate i am, ive went to my doc barley able to stand and ive been brushed off as a teenager or someone wanting a problem. i cant face it again, it knocks me soooo far down and im not afraid to say that for me its dangerous to get shuved about like that, its like setting fire to gas-i cant take someone screwing up their face, not listening and telling me something like' theres lots of people unable to focus in UNI' or 'its your past'.
this constant pressure has actually made me afraid to ever suggest anything to them, id never in my life suggest a diagnosis!! i just tell them truthfully how i feel and hope for the best-im trapped really.
it does anger me because i cant win, they say open up-i cant without letting it out and then they accuse me of being dramatic or something, if i keep it in it just escalates, i cannot cope and they say im not trying. there are many things i know are wrong, not meant to 'be there', ive mentioned them and not one has ever explained to me- if they have its a dossy brush off, im left feeling like a freak, i feel so weak becaus ein my veiw theyve told me like im stupid that everyone is like this but theyre stronger and able to handle it-they melt my brain some days and i even doubt myself, i have no explanation why and no treatment. sometimes i can only ignore it, and hint a bit and hope someone to god picks up on it-if i was refused or brushed off id be afraid for what could happen.
ill get a suport worker soon-do you think theyre the ones to target?? or would the CBT therapist be best??