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Old 09-02-2007, 04:31 PM   #1
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Unhappy sod everything

is how i feel right now. i feel i can just about hold my head up on my shoulders. ended up loaded with the cold, coughing away, body is wrecked, exhausted beyond sleeping, have painful cramps and want to rip my insides out.

went out today, met freind, one of those days its just so crap im speechless, said very little, was awkward, very long-probably for her too.

i have nothing left to go on right now, thats it-all reserves are officially GONE. just going to lol about here. im working tomorrow-wonderful, but i dont think ill even feel it. then tuesday i see keira, feel like collapsing on her floor right now and not caring if they close up, turn the lights off and go home. then im meeting freinds for dinner-only way to stand up there is to drink, also have pot lined up. i recognise its a bad choice but i have nothing else, thats just it. every little detail is clouded in a hze, its all hopeless, theres no point whatsoever aside from pleasing everyone else-may as well just do that then, and please myself in secret.

see my doc the next morning. right now couldnt care less if i collapse face first as soon as she opens her door to me, if i did id just lie there face down and let her spend the rest of the day stepping over me-WOULD NOT CARE.

bit nervous about seeing her, but at the same time feel utterly speechless now.nothing more i can give. its in my head to just write out what i need to ask her, what she wants from me-and hand it to her on a peice of paper because i dont think i have the strength to even part my lips to speak.

so thats it then, dont care.

hope everyone is well

xox
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Old 09-02-2007, 08:44 PM   #2
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Re: sod everything

Hi Kerry,
I'm sorry to see you are hurting......things are not getting any better.
What is it that you need to ask your doctor?
I am worried about you......Kerry, smoking and drinking is not helping you hon....I know it's a way of dealing with things, but they are not helping.
Do you still feel you cant talk to your parents? How much longer can you go on dealing with this all by yourself? I know how hard you've tried....but your therapist and doctor only see you on scheduled visits. You need more than that, you need someone to talk to, whenever you need them, people that love you.....Is it still not something you are ready for?
I'm sorry you're feeling so down hon....
Love, Carsam xo

 
Old 09-03-2007, 05:28 AM   #3
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Re: sod everything

hey. yep things are crap-feel slightly better this morning with painkillers. still though, im tired, and things are tedious, boring and empty, theres nothing i can do until tomorrow i see my counsellor. im trying but i cant feel any good.

no, still cant tell my parents, worst idea ever-even my counsellor agrees now is not the time. i have told others, i told my freind everything a few weeks ago. its not that the freinds that do know are not supportive, they are but they cannot help me, theres nothing they can say and they cant understand, even though theyre trying. its useless though, in front of others im more or less fine, in fact a lot of the time im the loudest at the party, but other times i sit in a trance.

ive no clue as to how this app with my doc will go, in truth i feel distanced from it. im anxious for it to come but on another level i couldnt care less. i have no hope that shell listen, im not expecting much. you know when i used to see her i was anxious but in a better way, i knew for 5 minutes i could escape, shed listen and id feel relief, hope and a lot less lonely for 5 minutes. now though, with her inconsistancy i cant tell which way itll go. even dropping in my letters to the surgury is a trauma, i get so panicky now, i feel actually frightened of going at times because so many times shes just made a comment or else went the full length and laid into me about something making me feel like dirt-and i know when she presses those buttons it sends me straight down face first because i already feel crap about it anyway, but i push myself 'just in case' and also-its the only option when im doing everything else-she doesnt get how difficult it is for me to put trust in her and then she can be so flippant with everything.

my counsellor and i tomorrow are going to work on what we want out of the app. i need to ask her what her veiw of my progress is, take a step back and examine exactly what has changed since i began and from the answer go from there. also need to ask her what do i say to disability about why im even on it because i have no diagnosis and my fianance needs a letter for my extra disability allowance. i need to understand the contradictions in everything. im hoping a turning point for her will be realising that my counselling sessions are actually due to be up in 2 weeks, but my counsellor is having to extend them for me-which generally isnt allowed but shes bending the rules but it can only happen for so long i guess-then what, ive put my all and still am and i havent moved. also the fact im walking a thin line of losing my job because im incapable even though i turn up-i dont function well. i think maybe she veiws me as a teenager whos struggling to adjust-its not that, yes im bad at adjusting as things change but only cos im carrying extra baggage-with everything else of course its impossible.

so thats it. if she doesnt get it, i dont know what to do then-i hate the silence, it seems hopeless then. i guess if she cant understand and take me seriously its on to the next GP-so my counsellor says anyways. i hope it doesnt come to that because i dont think i can churn all that out again,especially as ive been set back so many times and turned away in my veiw-i cant take fighting proffessionals for help much longer-im exhausted.

any suggestions as to what would be good to ask her-im also going to ask her what she feels shed like from me as the patient, anything else i can do or try, cos sometimes she says i need to try too-but im doing all i can.

xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 09-03-2007, 07:46 AM   #4
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Re: sod everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick View Post
hey. yep things are crap-feel slightly better this morning with painkillers. still though, im tired, and things are tedious, boring and empty, theres nothing i can do until tomorrow i see my counsellor. im trying but i cant feel any good.

no, still cant tell my parents, worst idea ever-even my counsellor agrees now is not the time. i have told others, i told my freind everything a few weeks ago. its not that the freinds that do know are not supportive, they are but they cannot help me, theres nothing they can say and they cant understand, even though theyre trying. its useless though, in front of others im more or less fine, in fact a lot of the time im the loudest at the party, but other times i sit in a trance.

ive no clue as to how this app with my doc will go, in truth i feel distanced from it. im anxious for it to come but on another level i couldnt care less. i have no hope that shell listen, im not expecting much. you know when i used to see her i was anxious but in a better way, i knew for 5 minutes i could escape, shed listen and id feel relief, hope and a lot less lonely for 5 minutes. now though, with her inconsistancy i cant tell which way itll go. even dropping in my letters to the surgury is a trauma, i get so panicky now, i feel actually frightened of going at times because so many times shes just made a comment or else went the full length and laid into me about something making me feel like dirt-and i know when she presses those buttons it sends me straight down face first because i already feel crap about it anyway, but i push myself 'just in case' and also-its the only option when im doing everything else-she doesnt get how difficult it is for me to put trust in her and then she can be so flippant with everything.

my counsellor and i tomorrow are going to work on what we want out of the app. i need to ask her what her veiw of my progress is, take a step back and examine exactly what has changed since i began and from the answer go from there. also need to ask her what do i say to disability about why im even on it because i have no diagnosis and my fianance needs a letter for my extra disability allowance. i need to understand the contradictions in everything. im hoping a turning point for her will be realising that my counselling sessions are actually due to be up in 2 weeks, but my counsellor is having to extend them for me-which generally isnt allowed but shes bending the rules but it can only happen for so long i guess-then what, ive put my all and still am and i havent moved. also the fact im walking a thin line of losing my job because im incapable even though i turn up-i dont function well. i think maybe she veiws me as a teenager whos struggling to adjust-its not that, yes im bad at adjusting as things change but only cos im carrying extra baggage-with everything else of course its impossible.

so thats it. if she doesnt get it, i dont know what to do then-i hate the silence, it seems hopeless then. i guess if she cant understand and take me seriously its on to the next GP-so my counsellor says anyways. i hope it doesnt come to that because i dont think i can churn all that out again,especially as ive been set back so many times and turned away in my veiw-i cant take fighting proffessionals for help much longer-im exhausted.

any suggestions as to what would be good to ask her-im also going to ask her what she feels shed like from me as the patient, anything else i can do or try, cos sometimes she says i need to try too-but im doing all i can.

xox
Dear pucca chick,

I am not going to pretend to know exactly what is going on but I will say:

Hang in there

Three little words that can actually make or break a situation.

Notice that I used the word "hang" which implies that some amount of effort be made.

A person goes to therapy in order to gain insight and to be provided help.

Could you try a list of things that you would like to accomplish with your therapist?

Remember that this is about you and you need to know that you are not wasting your time with this particular clinician.

Realistically, there are very few things that your therapist can ask of you:

1) attend sessions regularly and adhere to the rules and regulations.

2) take your meds exactly as prescribed and notify of any possible side effects.

3) complete honesty about your situations and how you are currently feeling in respect to them.

4) in the even a specific task is asked of you(journal writing,etc.) that you complete it, to the best of your ability.

(in my opinion)

Ask yourself a question for a moment; why did you first come to therapy?

What was going on in your life at the time that leaned you toward seeking this type of intervention?

Is the issue or particularly issues regularly addressed and has there been any progress?

(just a few things that come to mind)

Now i'm not saying that "Rome was built in a day" because it wasn't.

Some issues take longer to "process" than others.

Take care and God Bless.

Phoenix
(Ryan)

 
Old 09-03-2007, 12:49 PM   #5
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Re: sod everything

Hi Kerry,
I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better today hon. You dont sound as fed up and angry as you did yesterday.
Kerry....I think you are anxious about your appointment with your doc, because she has disappointed you. You have put so much faith in her, and she has hurt you. So now you are almost bracing yourself for her to turn her back on you....that's how it seems to me right now. Kerry, you shouldnt feel this way sweetie about someone who is supposed to be helping you. You should be confident about her reaction, and you shouldnt be scared to go see her. You have tried, you have tried hard....and I hope this doesnt upset you, but I see your relationship with her as having gone stale. Meaning....I dont think she's giving you what you need any more. Look at your words...she "laid into you making you feel like dirt". Kerry, this is not good. I know you have invested alot in this woman, but there are other people out there that can help you sweetie. I think to be honest, it sounds like her attitude when you go see her, is based on her mood that day. Sometimes she's good, sometimes she sends you off feeling horrible.
Listen to me, here's an analagy for you......and I know you're going to think it's stupid....but I always went to this same damn lady to get my hair cut for years. I'm not an adventurous sort by any means..so I usually get the same token "2 inches off" each time I go. I pay her ridiculous amounts of money each time....but I noticed for the last year or so, she started doing a lousy job. Know why? Cause she got used to me saying "2 inches off".....all the time!!! So she just cut my hair and moved on to the next client. I know that was my request, but she never even took time to "style" my hair nicely anymore and I was paying her all this money. Suffice to say, I got a new damn lady to cut my hair now....and when I went, I got a really nice cut.....she took so much care in doing so....and it was like a "fresh look" because she took time to listen to what I was asking. I know you're thinking - hey Irish buddy, what are you talking about here? But it's a small analygy to say that I believe your doctor is like my old hairstylist....and already knows the outcome of your visit before you get through the door. If you switch doctors, I know it will be hard for you, but maybe you can find someone who has some fresh perspective and who will really listen and can give you objective opinions about where you are right now. Kerry, you've tried with your doctor, but you need I think to move on to someone who can help you better. Stick with Keira, and try to consider a fresh start...and to invest in yourself rather than in a new doctor, or if you choose this same one......
Hang in there as Ryan says.....you are working through this!!!!
Love, Carsam xo

 
Old 09-04-2007, 06:20 AM   #6
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Re: sod everything

no that analagy made sense lol-i do that a lot myself to try and make sense of things. i just wish all i had to worry about was receiving a bad haircut lol. i know it may come to me leaving, but i cant feel for it yet-until it happens, then i blow up-its like i cannot prepare myself for it

i see keira in 2 hours, so ive a list of what i need from tomorrows doc app. it may come to me writing out the list only simpler and handing it to her-its weird, those things can either go one way or the other-she either looks at me like im being stupid or offensive and she cant offer me anything or an answer, or she thinks its really good, she thinks this is me trying(like im not already), its like she gets a burst of enthusiasm because she sees something she can do or provide help with-im hoping itl go like that, but i dont know.

my bullet point letter was very clear, our aim was to highlight the simple obvious signs of depression, it was first and keira hopes she will see that its not something keira herself can help with while everything else is going on, and therapy isnt having an effect on it-especially when it become physical and dibilitating.its just it is underlying everything, i cant seem to move because its constantly weighing down on top of me no matter how hard i try-i waited long enough to know it wont just disappear by thinking hard on everything, its been 5 years and no change. i know she still couldnt fix it with meds-but she could understand me more, try meds and help, right now she just puts everything down to my age because thats what the psych told her-but before when she had diagnosed me she was great and i felt more hope. i just feel i have nothing, no answer, nothing ahead and a load of crap behind me, im just floating here and therapy doesnt make much sense if i dont understand what im trying to fix., keira said it herself-how can you fix something if you dont know what it is???-right now we havent scratched the surface, weve done a lot but theres mountains of stuff, and the depressing feelings just render me incapable.

if it doesnt go well, i need to request all my letters back. i have a feeling shell say they need to be kept on record-my arguement for that is-she says its not medical, therefore the letters have no need to be there if they have nothing to do with medical records-those letters were private, meant for her alone, if she cant help me i see no reason why my most inner thoughts should just sit there in her surgury or for at a time another doctor to reveiw to whom i gave no permission to do so. it makes me anxious that what i feel is wide open for others other than her or keira.


keira also feels she may not realise or appreciate the damage she can do by so few flippant little words-due to the simple fact she doesnt understand how bad it is-she thinks at the worst ill feel a tad bit guilty or perhaps even just told off-but that ill get over it. not the case-it hammers down on everything im already feeling and i cant describe how horrible it is when she messes with my head-sometimes even if she says it all nicely to me.

im going out tonight-but ive just realised i have £40 left in my bank account, no loan, dont get paid for weeks either-so im screwed. but im trying to just drift along and not think about it.

i wont get to a computer agin until after my doc app tomorrow-ill let you know how it goes. one way or the other, even if she does give me meds, i need to know shes commited to helping, its one of my questions actually to her. i cant take the inconsistancy, not knowing if shes just doing this to shut me up-i need to have some solid ground. i dont mean like i can do what i please and go nuts, i mean that i need to know shell listen to me, my suggestions and offer advice when i crash-not just tell me im 19 and thers no treatment for that but growing up.

thanks carsam

xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 09-04-2007, 06:21 AM   #7
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Re: sod everything

Hey Pucca, how did your appts go (just saw your last post that says you leave in a few hours. We posted at the same time!)? You are sounding really organized here with your outlines and your plans! Having a cold and cramps can really take you down. Hopefully this has passed already. I'll wait for your next post.

Last edited by Sannah; 09-04-2007 at 06:22 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 06:27 AM   #8
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Re: sod everything

Pucca I feel you babe! Been feeling the exact way for the past few days. Let us know how your appt. goes.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 06:31 AM   #9
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Re: sod everything

Kerry,
I am online same time as you hon....
Just wanted to catch you and wish you luck today with Keira...and with your doc. You are sounding much better hon.....you know what you need now from your doc....I'm glad you wrote it all out with the letters.
I also agree your doc needs to understand as you say about the effect of her "flippant" remarks.
Good luck hon.....please let us know how everything goes...I'll say a prayer everything goes well.

Love, Carsam xo

 
Old 09-04-2007, 06:47 AM   #10
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Re: sod everything

hey sannah! well now its and hour and 15 till i see keira, i cant get back until tomorrow anyways to let you know.

i feel numb really, my head feels empty and thats why im able to write i think. i dont like this numb feeling of not caring, i feel like im lying on the floor just waiting for it. i took painkillers for the cramps and all again, its really heavy this month-sorry to ask this-but you know those extra long night pads-im using two of those already and its only almost 3:00 here, not entirley drenched-but yesterday it was-is that heavy or normal?? im just curious, in truth i dont care really.

i dont feel organised, i need keira to help structure what im gonna do and i will need notes myself to read from, as in to check with. its when she starts speaking is the unpredictable part.

thats everyone for wishing me luck. janart-hope you feel better soon, ill let you all know how it goes.

thanks, xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 09-04-2007, 07:03 AM   #11
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Re: sod everything

Pucca, how long have the pads been on? Have you ever used heat to stop the cramps?

Last edited by Sannah; 09-04-2007 at 07:03 AM.

 
Old 09-05-2007, 04:43 AM   #12
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Re: sod everything

hey sannah. no never used heat to stop it-but its only been 3 days and now its barley there-weird.

anyways, seen my doc this morning. i feel rank, went out last night, was drunk, didnt get stoned though. i was enjoying myself for about an hour and its was good-then i just went head first down. i have a cold and a cough and i sound like a ****.

but she was really good again. she asked me how i was and stuff. then finally some good news-their starting CBT in the surgury and shes putting my name down for it-so ill try my best at that although im scared, keira has talked with me about CBT, she uses it at times-i can be very challenging to anything they try and tell me-i tend to take it all as'pull yourself together'-but in truth im that fed up ill try anything, ill do my best to push myself and not listen to the negative. my doc was hopeful so i feel im hopeful now and for some reason when she feels hopeful i feel the need to justify that-really try myself and then i seem to feel a bit empowered or something. i still feel like crap but at least now im waiting on something, its not just me sitting about feeling like utter crap.

she also gave me a leaflet about support for those who are trying to move out themselves. i asked her what my progress was and she felt nothing-my own thoughts exactly,it doesnt mean much other than i know what she thinks and i feel im not standing in the dark as much.

i still feel rubbish but not as abandoned or hopeless, that someone listened again. i have to see her again soon though for my disability stuff-i have an app with them on friday- im shitting it now i dont know what to say or talk about

im working tomorrow and the thought is killing me, but i have to go-no point stopping althogether.

anyone tried CBT-any good-how can i get the best out of it??-is it really really difficult-keira said yesterday i was my own worst enemy and i know that but i dont want it to stand in my way.

thanks
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 09-05-2007, 04:49 AM   #13
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Re: sod everything

their starting CBT in the surgury and shes putting my name down for it-so ill try my best at that although im scared, keira has talked with me about CBT, she uses it at times

hey pucca girl,

i'm really happy to see you taking such huge steps toward improving yourself!!! girl, believe me when i say, you have come such a LONG way!!! CBT will be great for you. like me, you'll try anything at this point. i think this is a good outlook for you right now. please do it.

and about what keira said, us 'being [our] own worst enemies'--that is very true. i've heard it said so often, myself included. and i'm sure other people have to.

not much more time to write this morning, but i'm just glad you're doing ok...

many hugs to you from across the pond!!!
D.
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Old 09-05-2007, 08:12 AM   #14
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Re: sod everything

Hey Pucca, I think CBT is the best! This is what pulled me together. Tips, you have to know yourself and dig so that you can pull out the thoughts that need to be adjusted. There are reasons why you do everything and feel everything. You can do this! Keep us posted.

 
Old 09-05-2007, 09:29 AM   #15
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Re: sod everything

hi sannah-thats good to hear and ill be trying my best. keira said not to research it-just go with it. im not gonna research it, i dont want a set veiw of it before i start, i want a blank sheet. all id like to know what its about and how its meant to work so i know what im trying to do-any ideas??

i hate them saying im my own worst enemy-cos its true, but also then i feel its all my fault-which i realise a lot of this is self cycling, but its so hard.

thanks
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
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