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Old 09-04-2007, 06:50 AM   #1
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Well its finally happened...

This depression is killing my marriage. I knew it would eventually. I've had it for years but have gotten worse. Tried almost every med out there but didn't stay on them long because of the side effects. My terrible moodiness is rubbing off on my husband and my kids. My husband had to get on Lexapro a year ago for what he said was for his temper at work but his mood has gotten bad and he gets ill easily like I do. He is not depressed though. If I didn't have depression and I was around someone like me all the time I would be the same way. He just called me as I was typing this and apologized for this past wkend, he said he felt like we were at each other the whole time. I said its been like that it was just worse. He has tried to be supportive thru this crap but a person can only take so much. Its affecting my kids in a bad way and I feel like life is just sailing by me so fast and I'm not enjoying any of it. I want to try Cymbalta because I haven't tried it yet but I'm really concerned with the weight loss. I'm 5'5 and weigh 122 and this is the biggest I have been. Its really easy for me to lose weight and hard to gain it. And yes believe it or not its not fun. Our friends say you look so much better since you gained weight. I'm so unhappy yall I just want to cry all the time. And stupid me got involved in Princess Diana and her life this past week so that just made me feel worse. Anyway thanks for listening yall. I guess I need to try another med I just don't know which one this time. THEY ALL SUCK!!!!!!!!!!

 
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Old 09-04-2007, 07:05 AM   #2
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Hi Janart, sorry about your troubles. Yes, I know how these can affect your husband and kids. Have you ever tried counseling? Is there anything else that you want to talk about now?

 
Old 09-04-2007, 07:16 AM   #3
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Hey Sannah,
Well I have tried counseling a long time ago. The last one I tried used light therapy ECT I think I forget what its called. That didn't help much but I stopped seeing her because on the last visit we were talking about what was bugging me so to speak and she said " You keep bringing me all this new stuff so we can't focus well on the other things that you have told me that are bothering you. She seemed aggitated about it so I didn't go back. Finding a good counselar in this town is hard. Thanks for asking (:

 
Old 09-04-2007, 07:32 AM   #4
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Re: Well its finally happened...

So what do you think that your issues are now?

 
Old 09-04-2007, 07:41 AM   #5
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Re: Well its finally happened...

You know I'm sure that the main thing is losing my Mom to cancer. I still have not gotten over it. But I had mild depression before that. Had a sucky childhood. But when you look at my life now its not all that bad. I mean things could be better but could be much worse too. I am just really sad and fed up with life and the BAD things we have to deal with. I have tried to change my way of thinking you know but nothing works. If it wasn't for my kids I would want to be dead. They are what gets me up in the mornings. I just really think there is something not quite right in my brain you know? I don't know...

 
Old 09-04-2007, 07:46 AM   #6
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Oh, I know that feeling that something ain't quite right in your brain! My theory is that until we settle our feelings about what has happened to us in the past that it will distress how we function right now.
When did your mom die (sorry for your loss) and what was so "sucky" about your childhood?

 
Old 09-04-2007, 08:31 AM   #7
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Well it seems like yesterday to me but its actually been about 6 years. It makes me sad to actually put into words how long its been.I don't know why that is. It was very hard and alot of suffering involved. We were really close. But you know you don't realize these things until they are gone. I'm not kidding about it seeming like yesterday. I mean to say that it has been 6 years is unbelievable to me. Thats what I mean by life passing me by. My daughter is 10 yo now and I feel like it has flew by and I have missed it by not being able to enjoy it enough. Does that make since?
As far as childhood, my Dad was an alcoholic and would beat up my Mom every wkend. I was there watching and hearing it while taking care of my baby sister. My Dad never beat on us just my Mom. Some sexual abuse by my Uncle that I feel guilty about because he didn't force me. I was about 11 or 12 I think but I remember going along with it. When I look back on it now it grosses me out and makes me angry not just at him but at myself too. I found out later that he had been in trouble for messing with younger girls a few times. And more after me because I think he was arrested for it.
Lots of guilt that I walk around with everyday. I hate to complain and wine even here. I've tried to get over all this stuff but it's just not working.
Sannah you are very sweet to care. Thank you

 
Old 09-04-2007, 08:51 AM   #8
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Janart, child sexual predators are very manipulative. You were a child at the time. Children trust adults and are not taught to say no to them. How you responded to your uncle is how many, many other children have. You know I found out a few years ago that my 5th grade teacher was a molester. One day I was sad about something and he came up to me and told me "if you ever want to talk about anything just come see me." Thank God I was too shy to talk to any adult about any of my feelings because that pervert would have molested me I'm sure!

Wow, you had to listen/watch your mom getting beat up. Man, what a thing for a child to have to suffer through. I guess this increased your bond with her? Did you feel like you wanted to protect her? Do you think that this might still be affecting your mourning now?

Yeah, it makes sense that you are seeing how the time with your daughter is flying by.

I don't think that you can just "get over this stuff". IMO you have to process it and understand how it affected you. Talking like this helps you do both of these things.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:03 AM   #9
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Protecting her definately sounds right. I had to make all of the decisions for her care. She was more like my daughter than my Mom I guess during that time. And I did fell her some. The depression made me angry alot. I would get mad that I had all this on me and I would be disrespectful to her sometimes. I really don't know that I will ever get over this. Thank you for listening.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:11 AM   #10
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Quote:
Originally Posted by janart View Post
Protecting her definately sounds right. I had to make all of the decisions for her care. She was more like my daughter than my Mom I guess during that time. The depression made me angry alot. I would get mad that I had all this on me and I would be disrespectful to her sometimes.
It makes perfect sense to me that you would get angry towards her. One thing that I picked up on your other post is that you had to take care of your little sister. You had to be the parent and you really were the child who didn't get the luxury of having a darn parent. This would make anyone angry and then you had to be the parent to your mom.

I have also had to deal with some anger towards my parents. Sometimes they make little requests of me for something and my "reflex thought" is "you never met my needs and now you want me to meet yours!" Being aware of all of this that goes on with me makes all the difference, though. You will get over this stuff if you just get to process it! You are so welcome. I love to give back what I have found, the things that have helped me so much.

Maybe this guilt with your feelings during her last days are what is complicating your mourning for your mother?

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:20 AM   #11
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Yea the guilt is killing me. She was such a great person.She was only 50 when she passed. Too young! I tear up every time I read your feedback on my Mom so that enough should tell me what is bothering me the most. Maybe I will be able to deal with it one day. I'm sure she needs me to "let her go".

Take care and thanks again

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:25 AM   #12
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Janart, you did a good job taking care of your mom. Please don't be too hard on yourself for having your own VALID feelings! Life is complicated sometimes. Sometimes we hate and love someone at the very same time. It is okay. We are human and we have feelings and these feelings are totally acceptable because we have them in response to things. Do you think that you hastened her death?

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:37 AM   #13
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Re: Well its finally happened...

No I don't think I did that. The cancer had spread to her back and she wasn't able to get up but when she was in the hospital for 6 weeks I stayed with her the entire time, which is 4 hours away from home. They had done surgery on her but we made out like she was somewhat better so that we could come home. She had given up and was ready to go home but I was ready to go home too. I missed my baby and knew that the docs were not going to be able to do anything else for her. But looking back now I should have made her stay and tried to convince the docs to try something else. I remember my Mom saying ' Lets tell them that its working" and I went along with it. Sooooo stupid!! They docs at that hospital removed as much as they could of her colon because the radiation had scarred it over. She had a colostomy bag and she had a feeding tube. But her bowels still would not work properly. She had a very very terrible last year of her life. How do I get over that. I just don't know how.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:45 AM   #14
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Re: Well its finally happened...

So you feel guilty about wanting to go home and agreeing with her plan so that she could have her wish to go home too? I believe that dying people have the right to end their treatment if this is their wish. I think that people know when they have had enough and want to stop. You were a very good daughter to your mom and you supported her to the very end.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:49 AM   #15
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Re: Well its finally happened...

Thank you for saying that. I've taken up enough of your time. You were my angel friend today thank you!!!

 
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