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Old 09-04-2007, 08:44 AM   #1
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This one is for me......

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Caroline, this question just popped into my head this weekend. I just finished reading your posts to Ryan about your husband. Maybe my psychic abilities picked up on what you were telling Ryan over the weekend! (I'll have to recheck what day you were posting this!). Anyway, after reading your conversation with Ryan it sounds like there just hasn't been any investment in your relationship with your husband because you are overinvolved with your family. You described the course of your relationship with your husband and all you listed was events with your family. You have a new family now Carolyn, your husband.

Carolyn, do you know why I don't come here on the weekends anymore? I don't come here on the weekends anymore because when my family is here (our home) I am here with them. When I would come on here on the weekends I would sit with my husband but my mind would be with you all. It took him a few weeks to finally explain this to me (he sensed it but couldn't explain it for me to understand at first). I looked at him and said "OMG, you are right. I am not here with you". This is why I cannot come here on the weekends because I need to be involved in my real life too. So maybe when you are with your husband you are really with your mom?

I think there are cultural differences too with your husband that IMO would be beneficial for you to understand. Like I told you before my husband is from another culture and I know his culture very well now (firstly because I am fascinated by people and secondly I actively educated myself). My husband was also very good at communicating to me cultural differences because he had to understand this about himself too. He is a mixture of the two cultures now. He likes to say that he took the best from each. I don't think that our relationship would be where it is today if we hadn't understood the cultural differences.

Sannah, I moved your response over to a new thread.....I am starting to chat with you on Lilme's thread and about my "issues" with Ryan on "his" thread....so thought I'd start one of my own....where I can get good advice from you guys. I'm bad for piggybacking on others threads....I wonder sometimes I dont feel my problems warrant an actual thread for myself? Very symbolic with everything else in my life dont you think?

Anyways....when you said "I listed the courses of events and all I listed was what was going on with my family".....what else could I say Sannah? Truly, this is what it is. This has been my life for 7 years. With the exception of my husbands grandmother passing, there has been nothing of this sort, happening in his family. His family do not suffocate him, the way mine do, and when they even "attempt" to control him, he tunes out. He's never in danger, of developing my bad habits thats for sure. When it comes to "stress"...the only time I see the man get worked up is about "work". That is the only time I see him get emotional.....EXCEPT I will say for the look in his eyes, when I was rushed in for Emergency C-SEction...and the few incidents we've had with hospital visits with my son. Everyday life does not stress him Sannah, and I feel now that he "tunes me out"....the same way he does his own family. Okay, now I think I'm getting somewhere here....

You and Ryan are making my head spin right now...in an entirely positive way!!! Sheesh....it's like I have all the pieces of the puzzle but I cant fit them together guys!!!

You're right what you say about being more with my family than him. I do try Sannah, I have stopped talking with him about it. He knows it's not a case of me just "going along with things"...that I dont care. He knows how much I "loathe" this situation..that I dont take it lightly. So because he's exposed to it, I dont talk to him about it anymore....because I dont get anything back anyways. I come here.....to talk to people who will listen...and I find them.
Sure, sometimes he will say "Oh, Mommy's talking to her friends again"....and I will say "Well, I need "someone" to talk to!"....it just goes on and on. Dont ***** that I'm talking to someone else...I wouldnt if you had anything more to say than "I dont know". That just doesnt cut it for me anymore. I need conversation....Ryan has probably said more to me this weekend than my husband has this entire year...and I just "met" him!!! See my point? Sigh...getting all worked up here guys....

Cultural differences? What do you mean exactly? Do you mean the obvious - Chinese/Irish thing?

This is some good "Sannahlyzing" this morning.....(good one Ryan)...

thanks guys for listening and making me "think".....
Love, Caroline xo

 
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Old 09-04-2007, 09:02 AM   #2
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Re: This one is for me......

Quote:
Originally Posted by carsam View Post
I'm bad for piggybacking on others threads....I wonder sometimes I dont feel my problems warrant an actual thread for myself? Very symbolic with everything else in my life dont you think?

You're right what you say about being more with my family than him. I do try Sannah, I have stopped talking with him about it.

Cultural differences? What do you mean exactly? Do you mean the obvious - Chinese/Irish thing?
Good point Carolyn, I do think that it is symbolic that you don't do your own threads! Good for you for changing your pattern here!

About not "being" with your husband. You say that you don't talk to him about your family anymore but I think that you still might not be there with him because your own thoughts are elsewhere. You tell me that you pour out your heart to him and he doesn't respond. How about changing tactics here and making it all about him? Can the two of you go out and learn how to reconnect? I think he needs some coaching here because he isn't good at this stuff so starting with him might be a beginning? What did you all used to talk about?

Yes, the Irish/Chinese thing. My husband is from another area in Asia (I think you remember why I don't want to be specific because I feel that this one last detail could reveal who I am with all the other details that I have provided on this site if anyone really wanted to figure it all out!). The differences in the Western and Eastern cultures are vast (but there are also nice similarities too!) and important to understand IMO.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:35 AM   #3
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Re: This one is for me......

Hey Sannah,
Yeah, you're right, maybe my thoughts were elsewhere. It just feels like we are "lost" to each other right now. We function together, but we dont "live" together. Does that make sense? Sannah, I have tried, I have tried doing "special" things for him...I have tried "connecting"....but nothing. Yesterday, when we were driving....I tried talking to him about some things, to do with our home, possibility of moving....I got barely nothing. I talk about work, then he can talk. After that, silence....so we go home.
My point Sannah, is that I "Know" my "baggage"......that does not however give him carte blanche to excuse away his nonchalance when I try and speak with him...
What did we used to talk about? God Sannah, it's been so damn long, I cant remember. Pathetic eh?
I hope I dont get in trouble for talking about this stuff on a "Depression Board"...I know it belongs probably on the Relationship board....but it really does get to me....and although I'm sure there are wonderful people there, "this" is my "home".....you know?

So...girlfriend, is your husband well known or something? My curiousity is peaked now!!!!!! I recall a few comments about you not wanting to give stuff "away" as to who you are....but this is very intriguing......"Enquiring minds want to know".......there must be a reason.....there's nothing I have said on here that would give anyone a clue as to who I am....so you must be "in the know".....now I'll be wondering.....

Caroline

Last edited by mary09; 09-04-2007 at 09:36 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 09-04-2007, 09:52 AM   #4
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Re: This one is for me......

Caroline, you are right, you have tried every angle with your husband.... I am thinking that he needs a good shock or jolt or something...hmmmm...

About my husband. Well, all over these boards I have said about where I live and what my husband does for a living. He is well-known in his field (not outside of it) and there are probably less than 20 of his profession here in this area and he is the only one of his heritage! I would say if someone really wanted to know who I was it would be very easy to figure it out if I give this last piece of info!

Last edited by Sannah; 09-04-2007 at 10:23 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 10:08 AM   #5
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Re: This one is for me......

Quote:
So...girlfriend, is your husband well known or something? My curiousity is peaked now!!!!!! I recall a few comments about you not wanting to give stuff "away" as to who you are....but this is very intriguing......"Enquiring minds want to know".......there must be a reason.....there's nothing I have said on here that would give anyone a clue as to who I am....so you must be "in the know".....now I'll be wondering.....

I've wondered this for a long time, too...Sannah!!

 
Old 09-05-2007, 06:31 AM   #6
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Re: This one is for me......

Guys...
I am in trouble today....
Everything hit the fan last night with my mother...
I had to ask her to watch my son yesterday because I couldnt take him to preschool because he had a cold.
I guess, she had a very stressful day, looking after him, she had alot of doctors appointments to make, appointments for people coming out to the house to fix things..and then those god damn phone calls to her family. My uncle was even calling her at "my" house so worried about my grandmother. So I knew by the look on her face I was in for it last night.
I tried to talk to her...and she just laid into me....about "me"....Nothing to do with the "day", it was all about "me". Told me I am not looking after my son well enough, told me I dont keep my house clean enough, told me I dont look after "myself" well enough.....she was so full of anger, and just being horrible. I tried...I tried to stand up for myself, and tell her, this wasnt about "me" and she should be directing her anger where it needs to go. She got even angrier, told me that she is "done".....find someone else to watch my son, because she is "done". Then she went into her garage, hit the button to close the door, and as the door was coming down said something to me that hit me deep...my weakest part of myself. I had no chance to say anything because the door was then closed. So there I stood in the middle of my damn street, shaking. My poor husband came pulling into the driveway with a big ****ing smile on his face....I felt like such a **** taking that away from him. I just told him I was going to put gas in the car. I drove, drove for hours out in the middle of nowhere...it got dark and I lost my whereabouts for a bit....so I panicked and pulled over. Started driving again and realized how much I badly wanted to swerve that damn car into a ditch....so badly.....I was hyperventilating,.....but every time I looked in the rearview mirror I kept seeing my sons car seat......and that made me cry even more...
I made it home....my son was already asleep, husband asked me what was wrong, I told him...I'm okay, I just needed some time to myself. I suppose that was wrong...but I couldnt deal with pouring myself out to get nothing back. Not at that point.
So this morning I had to call in sick as I had to stay home with my son. I am so damn busy at work right now...this is such a bad time for me to be off, and I'm trying to do some stuff from home...but am feeling nauseous....sick....and so damn tired.......
I did not call her the rest of the night as I usually do....because she hurt me so badly....I know this will fuel her anger even more....she will start to take her anger out now on my dad....throw something...take pills.....the usual.....and then that is my cue for me to go try and make up...to apologize. I cannot do that. I cannot grovel any longer.....I am done....I am so done...
thanks for listening....

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:08 AM   #7
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Re: This one is for me......

Dearest Carolyn, I am so sorry..... You analyzed your mom correctly. She had a rough day and took it all out on you like she always has. What a sick coping mechanism. You did a good job with her Carolyn, you did! This is all about her and her terrible ways. It isn't about how you handled it. You will make it through this. How are you?

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:11 AM   #8
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Re: This one is for me......

Dearest Sannah...
Just seeing your name has tears rolling down my face....I am not good.....
C

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:13 AM   #9
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Re: This one is for me......

Keep talking.....

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:16 AM   #10
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Re: This one is for me......

Caroline, I am so, so sorry about what happened. I don't even know what to say...I'm sorry.
I think it's good that you didn't call her like you usually do. Let her be the one to come running back to you. You don't deserve the **** that she puts you through...and Sannah is right, it's all about her and her nasty ways. Sigh. I'm so sorry, Caroline. I love ya and am here to talk if you want to...
Amber

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:30 AM   #11
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Re: This one is for me......

Hi Amber...so good to see you.........
My husband just called from work....I told him everything that happened.....his response......"I dont know".....
And he wonders why I spend so much time here...
C

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:33 AM   #12
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Re: This one is for me......

Caroline, please talk here more now (if you are up to it). I am sorry about your husband but he probably really doesn't have any answers or skills on this. You are getting a double whammy here, huh? Your mother upsets and angers you and then your husband does.

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:43 AM   #13
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Re: This one is for me......

Sannah...
I'm not upset at my husband....I got the response from him that I expected.
I do not blame him for not having answers I dont have myself. Last night, all I needed was a hug even.....
No calls today......I usually call....and I know that this is making things worse. Dad will go to work all day (after probably getting screamed at all day).....and then it will be my turn. Then I'm sure the phone will ring, she'll scream some more...and hang up.....
I dont know that I will answer it....but the last time I did this...it was really really bad....(remember the tea)...
C

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:45 AM   #14
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Re: This one is for me......

I'm sorry Caroline. This really, really sucks for you. We're here to listen when your ready to talk more, okay? (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Amber

 
Old 09-05-2007, 08:46 AM   #15
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Re: This one is for me......

Carolyn, so are you scared right now?

 
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