I just dont understand whats wrong with me. I am so tired of feeling like this. My life is a mess and I just dont know what to do. Its like I just cant be happy, I almost never get what I want. I have being dealing with depression ever since I was about 9 or 10. And it justs too many problems to list. It started with my parents getting divorced and its been down hill ever since. Its like everytime I do find happiness, I just fall back down again.
I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, he proposes, we have a child, and then he just ups and leave me without giving a reason. I thought it was the end of the world, It took me forever to get through it. I'm better, but it still gets to me. Then I struggle with trying to go to school and find a job. I start feeling like I cant provide for my daughter, that maybe she would be better off without me. Finally get a new job, a new boyfriend, and I'm thinking I'm back on top again.
Next thing you know I later find out I'm pregnant, so I'm happy because my daughter is four by this time and I want her to have a lil sis or bro. Well I'm just on the top of the world, next thing you know I have a miscarriage. At that point I just wanted to end it all. I was just so depressed I never went back to work after my sick leave, which was so stupid of me! Few months later I ended up going back to school and getting a better job. Now I'm back in the same boat again. They cut my hours at work, I've been looking for another job, went on four interviews, and no one has called back.
I had to take my daughter out of school, because I couldnt afford it anymore. My sis acts like I'm not even trying, telling me I just need to go in the military. All of my friends are happy, two are married and the single one now has a great job, and I have nothing. One of my married friends just found out shes expecting again, its like they are living the life I wish I lived. Thats all I wanted was to be successful and have a family. Out of all my mothers kids, I am the only one that is not successful. They all have careers and I have nothing. I just sit and cry at night until my head hurts and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I just feel like nothing ever good happens to me and when it does, it doesnt last for long, something bad always ends up happening. I just feel like my life isnt worth anything and I'm just tired of the ups and downs. I'm probably going to always be a single mom, wont be able to have any other kids, and will never have a successful career. I just dont think I'm ever gonna be happy, so whats the point. I just dont understand why life has to be so hard. I really do think I am going crazy. Thanks for letting me vent.
I am really sorry you are having such a hard time. I am glad that you came here to post though. It sounds like you haven't worked through quite a few issues and you may need to see someone for that. You have to admit that your little girl has to give you great joy. So you have to keep her in mind. I think it would help if you went to see someone and maybe even trying some type of anti-depressants. They do work. You will be happy and you don't have to compete with everyone else in your family. Your time will come. Don't worry about what anyone else says.
Please try and make an appointment with your doctor or a therapist and see about some type of anti-depressant. I think it would do you a world of good.
Sorry you are going thru all this....but in a way..I'm NOT sorry. You are SO strong to get thru everything time and time again. I know life plain...stinks sometimes, but we get what we get. Some people seem to get all the luck...and we get the crap.
Why on earth do you think you are not successful?? How are you measuring that? I think you are measuring the wrong way! Success isn't tied to money or career....it's how YOU measure it. That's a the beauty...you get to define it yourself
You keep going and going no matter what life throws at you...that to me sounds like success. I would bet your family thinks so as well. Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe a call to a counselor might be in order just to get over this hump. Good luck
I know Kia, I'm just so tired of getting back up trying to fight it. I mean is it so wrong for me to want to be happy. Its like everyday is a struggle and I feel like I am getting weak. I'm hoping and praying for some positive changes. I would have never guessed my life would turn out like this, boy what a fool I was. I really do think my family looks down on me. Its like look at the sis who is a rn and the bro is an army sargeant. And look at me the nobody, I cant seem to get it together. Its hard to be around everyone who is enjoying life and you just stand back and watch. I'm just waiting on my turn, if it ever comes. Thanks Kia
Hi Shantae, while reading your story one thing that I noticed is that you have suffered a lot of loss/abandonment? You lost your "family" (divorce), you lost your bf, and then you lost a child (sorry for your loss). Do you think that you have recovered from this and are you just waiting for the next loss to happen and this is what is causing you distress?
I think you maybe right, I do feel like only mostly bad things happen to me. My sis-in-law says I shouldnt always think so negative, cause then only negative things will happen. So I try to think positive and negative things still happen, so then what? I just feel like its over for me and I am just waiting on the next loss. My mom keeps getting sick and the doctors keep telling her to stop smoking or she is going to die. She always tell them she is going to stop and then she goes right home and light one. So my bro and sis ask me about it and I tell them the truth. Well she gets mad at me, that I'm telling them. So I just told them to leave me out of it from now on. To talk to her about it and if she wants to lie to them, thats her problem. Sometimes I just wish I was a teenager again so I can lock myself in my room and never come out. I'm happy for all my friends that have happy things going on in their lives, but sometimes I just dont want to hear it. And then I feel like a bad person for being like that. I think maybe I'm just one of those people born in this world to suffer. I will never have anything but bad luck and should just accept it.
I dont know Sannah, sometimes I think I'm just crazy. Sometimes I just wish I could live out on an island somewhere by myself, just be free you know. I do know one thing,things have to get better. I feel I am at my lowest, seriously I hope it cant get any worse.
Well, if you are stuck because of these losses it would seem to me that you could move past them by processing them - talking about them and how they affected you and your feelings/thoughts with them. You can do this here if you want to.