I just dont understand whats wrong with me. I am so tired of feeling like this. My life is a mess and I just dont know what to do. Its like I just cant be happy, I almost never get what I want. I have being dealing with depression ever since I was about 9 or 10. And it justs too many problems to list. It started with my parents getting divorced and its been down hill ever since. Its like everytime I do find happiness, I just fall back down again.
I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, he proposes, we have a child, and then he just ups and leave me without giving a reason. I thought it was the end of the world, It took me forever to get through it. I'm better, but it still gets to me. Then I struggle with trying to go to school and find a job. I start feeling like I cant provide for my daughter, that maybe she would be better off without me. Finally get a new job, a new boyfriend, and I'm thinking I'm back on top again.
Next thing you know I later find out I'm pregnant, so I'm happy because my daughter is four by this time and I want her to have a lil sis or bro. Well I'm just on the top of the world, next thing you know I have a miscarriage. At that point I just wanted to end it all. I was just so depressed I never went back to work after my sick leave, which was so stupid of me! Few months later I ended up going back to school and getting a better job. Now I'm back in the same boat again. They cut my hours at work, I've been looking for another job, went on four interviews, and no one has called back.
I had to take my daughter out of school, because I couldnt afford it anymore. My sis acts like I'm not even trying, telling me I just need to go in the military. All of my friends are happy, two are married and the single one now has a great job, and I have nothing. One of my married friends just found out shes expecting again, its like they are living the life I wish I lived. Thats all I wanted was to be successful and have a family. Out of all my mothers kids, I am the only one that is not successful. They all have careers and I have nothing. I just sit and cry at night until my head hurts and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I just feel like nothing ever good happens to me and when it does, it doesnt last for long, something bad always ends up happening. I just feel like my life isnt worth anything and I'm just tired of the ups and downs. I'm probably going to always be a single mom, wont be able to have any other kids, and will never have a successful career. I just dont think I'm ever gonna be happy, so whats the point. I just dont understand why life has to be so hard.
I really do think I am going crazy. Thanks for letting me vent.