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Old 09-09-2007, 03:34 PM   #1
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Its Sunday

This past couple of weeks have been odd to say the least. There was the incident of missing one dose of Wellbutrin that put my body into a tailspin. The weather has been funny and I am noticing how much my mood will differ depending on the amount of sun I get that day, SAD, add it to the list. I was sitting in front of my computer trying to take stock of my life and the one thing that stood out is how completely calm I am. People popping up that should bother me but it has no effect, Razors that have been my salvation in the past lay not being used.....I made a big choice a couple of months ago and for the most part have not cut since. The realization came is this is not a sign of improvement but that I have finally been beaten. Two years later and I am done, the conclusion I have reached is its better to play dead then to face the demon everyday. Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium, Temazapam enter my body on a daily basis to no effect. My body hates me for what I have done to it, the constant tremor, the terrifing experience of walking down the stairs, the massive weight gain and loss, the inability to sleep without meds and the list goes on. I am numb and sick to my stomach. My little boy tells me he misses me several times throughout our visits and it kills me for I want to be someone I am not for him. What am I going to tell him about when I was his age? Sometimes bad things happen to good people but if you try really hard eventually it will come back with a vengence and leave your life in tatters. Eventually after you fight and fight you realize you will never win so you stop fighting in hopes that it will leave you alone. Of course what I do is put on the best dad face that I have, tell him I love him and that i am proud of him and pray he does not turn out like me. I will pay for the sins of the previous generations if it will stop with me and ensures my boy has a long healthy life, then maybe this pain will have served a purpose. I need to figure out a way to jumpstart my brain and the only way I know comes with a razor in hand but it normaly works

trg247
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Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

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Temazapam

 
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Old 09-09-2007, 04:49 PM   #2
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Re: Its Sunday

Hello TRG,

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I know how hard it is to go through every day, both with and without meds. Don't forget how courageous you are.

SOE

 
Old 09-10-2007, 10:58 AM   #3
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Re: Its Sunday

Hey Trg, do you really think that this calmness is a sign of being beaten? IMO I don't think that it is. The way that I see it is that you have been fighting yourself and now you have finally stopped? Does this make any sense? I work from the gut here and this is what my gut is telling me. I think of it as acceptance not defeat. IMO once you accept who you are and where you are at you can work from there and the only way is up. You have "fought" your whole life?

Do you want to explain more about needing to jumpstart your brain? Did you not like the calmness?

Trg, your son loves you just as you are. You are not hurting him. You are a very good father.

 
Old 09-10-2007, 01:14 PM   #4
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Re: Its Sunday

It is almost like sleepwalking. I am doing things just because they are there. Any decision I make involves the easiest solution. I am not willing to put forth the effort to try to change anything my head is on automatic pilot. It is almost like I am watching myself from the sidelines and not concerned with the outcome. A few years ago I ended up with shingles and the mental feelings I had with that are similar now, back then I reached into a hot oven and pulled out a hot pan bare handed and it took a good five seconds before I realized what I had done and that the pan was hot it is similar now my brain is not fully plugged in to reality. To jumpstart my brain to get it going again the best way I know how is to cause pain.........so thats what i did, my arm looks like I was attacked by Freddy Krueger but I feel better and more aware. I can't let myself to completly let go into autopilot for long periods for eventually I will just stay there so until I figure it out I will have to do whatever is neccesary to survive. Try to convince a doctor that the cuts on your body is a good thing, its not fun

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 09-11-2007, 07:18 AM   #5
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Re: Its Sunday

I am sorry Trg......

 
Old 09-15-2007, 04:27 AM   #6
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Re: Its Sunday

In spite of everything, your son loves you. To me that says you're a good father. You're doing the best you can with what you've got. Try to focus on that instead of what you can't give him.

I hope you have some good moments soon.

 
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