hi sannah i noticed your back-hope you had a nice time
you missed quite a show last week(freaked out, went to run into traffic, called in sick to work, cracked up in class adn then got emergency app and had to be risk assessed)-that was the short version lol.
i FINALLY got hold of my GP, for some reason i neglected to ring on monday, i just wasnt up for it and i was spaced. i had to be squeezed in for a phone call yesterday.
so she got back to me which i do appreciate as she was binged up completley and i told her i was having a crisis and my counsellor thought it best if i got hold of her just for her even to take note because i was going nuts. i explained the events about breaking down, not being able to do much, calling in sick, gettng in trouble with work and home for that, going to jump infront of cars and being risk assessed. she listened to that part and that was ok. then i told her i blew all my cash in 4 days, then the crap part came when she asked on what, i know id end up having to tell her anyway, the fact i spent it was bad anyways so i felt complelled to tell her the truth because i genuinely want help and i get it -they need to know the bad truth if i want help. so i told he it was on fags, drink and weed. the weed part is when she lost patience
she didnt shout she was just very assertive and i could get a word in edge ways, she was really on a roll and i felt like a dog being smacked on the nose over and over again. she started on me about the physical implications, obviously not quite grasping the fact that in my state i have not cared for my body in quite a while. then she began saying that it is bad for my mental health when i am as vunerable as i am, which made me cringe, i felt really small, being 'vunerable' to me means weak. it also takes great restraint then to not explode into "mental health, sorry did you say mental?? i thought we werent dealing with that anymore considering everyone said i was fine!! my 'chemicals' are fine so why should it matter until now all of a sudden were all mental health orientated when it suits you to throw it at me in a lecture!!!-which way are you going!!" .then when i tried my best to explain that this freak out came before i took drugs, i only used it to try and slow me, just to get a bit of air, to me it was get out for a while or suicide, and yes id tried walking, exercise, sleep, seeing freinds and all. i tried to say how i feel 'that i needed it because there was nothin else', she paused and suddenly just said very firmly 'well thats just RUBBISH'. i was quite shocked, and was hurt but it took a while to swallow what shed just said. in terms of logic yes its stupid, but its not rubbish-its how i feel. she then went on to say i must take responsability, thats part of the bargain, have self dsicipline, that i need it to pick me up is just a rubbish excuse, anyone could say that about anything in life and she will not accept that as an excuse and did i understand. she totally read me wrong, of course i wasnt flippin calling her to say'oh my god i just took drugs and can you please do something, fix it and take care of it for me'-i was already 'taking responsability' for it days before i got hold of her. thats what hurt the most, id held on with the skin of my teeth for days, been through sheer hell and chaos, i am overwhelmed by guilt and shame and then i have practical problems still lingering that i have no choice in the matter but to sit and suffer it because i did wrong and its every bit my fault-like the fact im now broke-yet she didnt seem to acknowledge this was hard for me but because i blew it does that mean i cant ask for help? that i only did it as an escape. she was incredibly non-understanding of the whole thing and i do wonder, being the surgury is by UNI, and theres lots of drugs and they have posters up fo help with that-what the hell does she say to the hardcore drug users of crack and heroin?? does she just snap at them as they come through the door that theyre talking rubbish, thers no excuse and starighten yourself out because its not my problem, you just need to STOP. life isnt that straightforward-i cant just cease to do everything i do. can she not see i dont enjoy needing to harm, needing to get stoned the odd time and need to spend that much cash of drink and needing to smoke 20 a day either?? if i could tick a box to chose i didnt feel i needed all that just to make it through the day id do it in a heartbeat and the pen would be through the table never mind the paper i was using. but its a catch 22-nothing gets better, until it does i need the crutches, and she cant see things arent improving, shes stopped all togther really, so im stuck. im not putting it all on her by any means, i realise its not up to her, she cant take me by the hand or catch everything that i drop, all id ask for is patience and understanding, reassurance woldnt hurt either
she was very forth right, matter of factly, id say short but she had more of an authorative'this is how it is' tone with me, she wasnt taking any prisoners ill say that. its hard to explain when someone is talking over you and interupting before you get a chance to fully explain, butting in and TELLING me how im feeling and the way it is and where im going-its totally off a lot of the time. what the hell could i say though, if i argue she thinks im being difficult and non compliant with treatement, next thing were down to' i cant do this for you, the answer is in you, you are not complying and trying and this will not work then, if your unhappy with it there are plenty of other doctors'. but its not im arguing or being difficult, frankly id listen to her opinion if shed just listen to mine, her advice would mean sooo much more to me if she had a sound basis of having actually listened and explored what im thinking and feeling-but its not, she just throws it out there as something she has learned off a list, the obvious logical side of things that to me is already blatantly obvious, of course i know whats sensible and whats not, if i didnt feel hopeless and helpless i wouldnt be needed to ask for help id just DO IT. i just had to start going 'hm hm hm, okay, yea i know' and 'i wont do this' and then said im trying but she just said quickly 'yea i know you are but', and its only said as an after thought like 'yea..sure you are ill just feed you lies that i think you are but i really dont think you are', its that 'well try harder' idea that never gets anyone anywhere.
she really thinks i have endless stamina or some amazing never ending supply of will power, i dont. can she not see from the fact ive been stuck for a whole year and nothing has changed that this is the best i can give.
it does hit a nerve because i feel like a child when she starts on me, like im being bulied and pushed about when asking for help. im helpless to say anything to her and im not in the state for 'another doctor' round number 4 to start up again right now. what hurt and made me feel so lonely was, id held out, getting some advice and reassurance was what kept me going until yesterday, i know she cant fix it but the simple idea of someone listening and understanding helps a great deal, i feel in agony and even my counsellor who always thinks she is extremely talented in saying the complete opposite of what is helpful thought i needed to talk to her, for the first time she said 'no you need more than a phone call you need an appointment with her', i couldnt get one though, and i called her and got that, when i told my counsellor these things she was quite annoyed and a bit shocked at how she could just be so matter of factly and wondered were the hell she learnt to deal with patient drug problems and all because her method of brushing me off was rather blunt and unhelpful, it was a take it or leave it kinda of thing only i still need the help but that really was not helpful-she made me feel like dirt on her shoe, we actually began joking to lighten the mood on what 'enlightening' peice of advice shell bless me with if i ask her help on something else-yet i cant leave and i feel i should be thankful for her just answering the phone. i take from it what i can and im not as critical as she seems to fele im being of her, she doesnt get hat im actually desperatley hoking through every word she says for the good not the bad. i wnat to belibe everything she says and do what she suggests-but it doesn tadd up with my feelings and its just a dead end
so thats the story so far. im broke, missed classes for a week, missed essay deadlines, am about to fail, im on the managers bad side, my freind got kicked out and now i need to up a leave with her into a house(im actually looking forward slightyl but am feeling like crying at the same time), thers other things but im tired.
any ideas-was she right, i understand the tough love kind of thing but to me this was just a bit of impatience and anger subtley controlled-is this what she should have said. i didnt mean to be so stupid, im just a mess and im trying my best but there is faaaarrr too much.
oh and another thing getting right on my last nerve-i have NOT mentioned anti depressants or meds for aaagggees, i gave up on that mission and frankyl i barely notice because its ahopless battle and ot one person will listen so its entirely pointless, i just think 'whatever' about it now, she was the last one to give me a bit of hope in july and told me shed give them to me and then squashed that one for me. every god damn time i tell them its impossible i get the line'i wont give you pills, ther is no quick fix' having not uttered a word about pills-i think i know by now all by my little stupid self that there is no quick fix, id never be so stupid to beleive a pill can bring me happniness, all id ever want from it is the ability to get on a level to work through counselling, a bit of energy and strength to just get up with out crying every morning and give me a bit of clarity to function properly. im through begging for meds and i wouldnt degrade myself again like that, but they wont forget, and now when i talk of overdosing it just re-enforces the 'no meds' rule. why cant they just get over it!
i thought of a question to ask her to gauge her understanding 'what do YOU think im feeling like when i say i feel bad?'