The easiest way for me to explain or go through this is to go section by section:
Official Diagnosis (as of last Friday)
Severe Major Depressive Disorder with psycotic features and drug resistant
plus a few others
Treatment - thats funny
Medication- Nardil, Seroquel, Temazapam, Ativan
ECT- I have a history of not coming out of the deep sleep they put you in so every test was ran which I passed with flying colors. Had one treatment this time and initially they said they could not make me come back around fast enough which didn't seem like a big deal to me so I pestered my doctor saying I would sign a release form, finally he said the problem was not me waking up but I stopped breathing on the table so they had to "bag me" until I came back around and there was no chance they would try it again. I stopped asking questions regarding ECT.
Therapy- Four sessions in a month, hospital budget has three therapists for a five story hospital
Group- I don't do groups
Writing - My doctor recieved three different levels of disclosure, so now he has a good idea of my past (first level was for example a caregiver use to hit me by the third version it described what she hit me with...you get the idea). I told him there is no chance I would go into version 4 and 5 with him......5 minutes a day with a doctor is not worth the price I have to pay to bring it out. On a more positive note I wrote over a hundred handwritten (I print very small) of a kind of fictional book as I had to stay focused some how
Diet - The new drug is in the MAOI class which translates into your not allowed to eat anything. I am pretty clueless right about now and have spent the afternoon going through website after website trying to figure it out as the hospital was very vague and ill prepared. If you eat the wrong food your blood pressure skyrockets and you hopefully just get really sick..I am suppose to meet with an out in the community dietician but don't know when. I managed to drop over thirty pounds in the last month.
Self Harm - I know how not to get caught. I told them all the secrets if you will yesterday kind of as a good bye present. Turns out Seroquel is good for urges
Mood- At the moment I am capable of running the Boston Marathon but it better not cross any bridges as I will jump. Extreme highs to really lows and seems to cycle every half hour or less. Suicidal ideation is running rampant but right now my anxiety level is way too high so I am hoping once I can figure out how to calm down then the thoughts will slow down. I am not suicidal just can't stop thinking about it. I started Nardil a week ago so its going to take a while before it starts working or if it starts working.
Discharge - Last Thursday I figured out exactly what I needed and wrote it out very carefully. The doctor sees it on Friday and completly agrees with what I wrote and what my plan was. Problem is the hospital can not pull it off and due to multiple diagnosis the majority of treatment centers won't go near me. So his best solution is to find a therapist in the community who is equipped to handle someone of my needs and figure out the rest of it myself and hope the medication works..........which is darn close to what he said after I spent two months in the hospital the first time. Anyway since ECT was no longer an option and the other types of therapy I need can not provided in the hospital setting and my anxiety rate was going through the roof I told him I was safer at home to which he agreed. The whole risk factor thing was justified with he can just as easily do it at home as he can in the hospital.....some nurse said it was a positive sign that I had gone twenty plus days without cutting, then I lifted my shirt up and she walked away never bringing it up again...thats how you treat self harm just ignore it. Thats Canada's Mental Health system for you at least I don't technically have to pay for it
Overall - Right now it feels like a complete waste of time and I will never do it again which I made perfectly clear if they ever want to get back into a hospital again they will have to form me as I will not volunteer for it. I did leave the option for a treatment center option if one comes available and is suited for someone of my needs but I am not holding my breath on that one.
there is the last month all bundled up. Thank you again for all of the kind words and thoughts
Well Terry I may be wrong but it seems like you are with it as far as your thoughts and your words are concerned. I guess what I mean is you seem to be pretty focused. Have you been on the seroquel in the past? What about the MAOI patch did they consider that? Just wondering I remember reading that it doesn't have as many diet restrictions. Have you seen your son since you been home? I hope the med kicks in soon and makes you find peace. After all thats what we all want is to just feel some peace. Thinking of you xx
When it came to the MAOI all they asked if I would be willing to follow a strict diet then the next thing I knew it I was being prepared for Nardil. Seroquel is new to me so I am still figuring it out as far as how long it takes to kick in and the side effects that go with it, I go from being really tired for a couple of hours to really almost hyper....which probably means dosage I guess. I won't see my son til this weekend and the ex and I came to an agreement where I would start off at a couple of hours then build from there depending on my anxiety/depression and how well I do on the new drug. I would like more but I am not in a position to argue right now. Hope your doing well
I hope you'll keep writing down your feelings, either here, or on paper, or both. And I'm glad you will spend some time with your son this weekend.
It is good to see you back!!! Sounds like it was a rough few weeks for you, I'm sorry.
I guess this would be my second full day back. Thanks for all the replies by the way. The diet is causing a couple of concerns regarding what is allowed but thankfully I know a lot of people through another website who have tested the waters before me so they are proving to be most helpfull. The other thing is the actual meds...in the hospital it is at the same time they give out your meds and the problem I guess is my sleeping hours at home are completly different so I am trying to come up with an ideal schedual that I can live with and be effective. Realization that one of them makes me dizzy in a way for a few hours afterwards so I need to stay away from the car and busy places for that matter. Mood is all over the place and I am really missing Lithium, being sky high with emotions is fun and all for a bit but when you flip the coin it can get pretty scary.........going from almost hyper one minute to nodding off while standing is an interesting ride and another reason to avoid the car.
I sent off a letter yesterday to the local branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association in the hopes that they can find me a good therapist so that is a positive step and today they replied they are more than happy to help which is nice.
I fit into a size 34 jean today which is the first time in a long time, close to size 38 a few months ago. My body appreciates it kind of but the sixty pound weight loss in a short period was probably not healthy.
My memory which is usually on the almost amazing level is way below par especially on the short term level...can't remember what I wrote the day before kind of thing...whether or not it is ECT related I don't know but not likely could be the new meds.
No self harm incidents in a little over a week so I think Seroquel is having a positive effect there...no real urges either. Before I checked in it was at a scary level and continued into my first couple of weeks as an inpatient.
Nardil has not even started to kick in and is proving to be a pain. Pharmacy had to search the city to partly fill the prescription and a couple of days later finally has enough in stock to completly fill the order. Scary when you try a "new" food and you wait for your body react but like I said before the internet is helping with that.
Need to fill out the hospital questionaire but I want to wait til anger does not play a role in my responses.
The book I started while in hospital has sat there since my return and not sure if I will ever get at it again. Let a few people in hospital read an insert here and there to very positive feedback so I guess it is good or at least potentialy good but the desire is not there. Maybe if I transfer it onto the computer it will respark something.
Its snowing here right now and the sun has not been seen in days which is not helping either body or mind.
I hope you write your book, and publish it or some of the stuff you write. Diane
eta: is there someone who does Dialectical Behavior Therapy up there? And, after reading the stories section, I wonder if your son's birth and the ages he is (as he progresses through them) are related to how you are doing. Came to mind because my postpartum dive was totally related to my first-born's experience with a babysitter (broke his leg). My body remembered the timing, hence the PPD. It took some time for me to realize there was an anniversary reaction kicking off the ppd, but I'd say that was the biggest "driver" of my crash and burn. (and I always hope I'm not trying to put my context over what yours might be) --D
Hello. You seem to be going through alot but carry yourself very intelligently by the way you communicate and express your thoughts. I was just wondering if you live by yourself or with others.
Funny in my case the sun and daytime make me more depressed and I always look forward to the night.
Good luck buddy!
Hello. That's one of my biggest fears of my wife leaving with our daughter. So far she's been very supportive but there is only so much one can take. Sometimes this disorder can affect a whole family and in my case I blame everyone for my illness and sometimes make life miserable for my family but have recognized what I'm doing to my family, and have begun to change as far as not being negative around them.