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Old 11-09-2007, 12:05 AM   #1
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Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hi:

The following is the steps that I have taken to get "healthy" again
- Asked for help to find a therapist through CHMA on Monday
- Sent an application/referral in to the local Mood and Anxiety group today
- Underwent a volunteer hospilization for a major med change recently... mind you the fact I was off the scale on a risk factor basis sped up my admission from a month to two hours
- Spent two months in the hospital the first time which accomplished nothing but put me on a med program which damn near destroyed my body - Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lithium, Remeron, Trazadone, Zyprexa all on a daily basis by the end I had gained over sixty pounds and could barely get down the stairs because of muscles flying any which way they choose - weight was Zyprexa fault - bad body mechanics was Lithiums doing
- Following a strict MAOI diet
- Lost over sixty pounds
- Wrote out my life history and gave it to my pdoc - not complete details but lets say he now understands a whole lot more - oh I paid for this with some of the most brutal nightmare/flashback for what seemed day on end and I basicly wrote out a suicide note gave it to a nurse then decided I was too angry to follow through so I destroyed my body instead
- Seeked out advice on this sites and similar ones
- Undergone ECT for a total of six sessions - no longer an option
- Been on damn near every med in the book - Effexor, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Temazapam, Seroquel, Klonapin, Ativan, Lithium, Trazadone, Xanax, Nardil, Celexa and many more in the last two years
- Tried out three plus therapists who never made it past the third sessions...apparently I am overwhelming, difficult, prone to self harm, unstable and far from being a "simple" client so they gave up
- Stuck out with every side effect in the book to make sure the med had the proper chance to work...except for Paxil which sent me right to the psych ward in under a week
- Done all of the research and came up with the "perfect" treatment plan for myself its just to bad the Canadian Mental Health System is too tied up to help me implement it even though my doctor completly agrees its the only course of action I may have left as I am almost "untreatable"

Doctors and other so called professionals keep saying I am responsible for my own well being but I have done everything they have told me to do yet not a whole lot has changed in two years. What is there left to do? All the medical community sees are the list of diagnoses: severe MDD, PTSD, BPD, GAD and the scars that cover my body they forgot underneath that garbage there is a real person here

I swear the only reason I get up, besides the obvious which is my son, is to come to sites like this and attempt to help others how to find their way even though I am so completely lost in my own world. Keep believing maybe if I assist enough people it will finaly be my turn to go down the path to stability.

Maybe it time to switch the plan from getting healthy and stable to how to survive long term in this hell I call life. I am running out of options here.

I meant this post to be positive based but it took a funny turn along the way. Here are some positives I am stronger then ever, refuse to quit and still very much capable of helping others just apparently not myself.

Meds just kicked in and the room is starting to spin

take care
trg247

Last edited by trg247; 11-12-2007 at 12:02 AM. Reason: hit the wrong button

 
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Old 11-09-2007, 01:04 AM   #2
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lv2srf HB User
Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247 View Post
I swear the only reason I get up, besides the obvious which is my son, is to come to sites like this and attempt to help others how to find their way even though I am so completely lost in my own world. Keep believing maybe if I assist enough people it will finaly be my turn to go down the path to stability.
Beside the group of regular posters here that post to you, I am sure you have helped THOUSANDS of people. It only takes a new reader reading one or two of your self-disclosing posts to realize you're someone special.

What is your treatment plan you mentioned? What if there was some creative way to get someone to get you the treatment/plan you want? Maybe not in Canada, as it sounds like mental health care isn't what it could be, but somewhere... would you go for it?

 
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Old 11-09-2007, 10:12 AM   #3
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hi:

Thanks for your comments

The treatment plan basicaly said, my doctor kept it, I need long term counseling in a setting where the staff and people around me are qualified to deal with the many issues I have at hand so they can respond appropriately to keep me from resorting to my old ways of thinking and behavior.

Right now any positive step I try to make with the depression the borderline aspect steps in and screws it up...... kind of I know I need to have comple disclosure with my therapist but she/he looked at me funny so they can't be trusted, two many inner rules/boundaries that are set in concrete

He thought it was a great idea but there was no chance it could be pulled off. The majority of available treatment centers available through out the province have a strict criteria on the "type" of patients they accept and even fewer have beds that are available to someone on long term disability. At this point I would travel anywhere in the province heck maybe the country to get the proper help required but money is a major factor as the disability budget does not cover longterm private facility care, I would need to win the lottery before even considering going into the states.

take care
trg247

 
Old 11-09-2007, 10:56 AM   #4
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

I don't know if your familiar with AA's 12 step program or not. But the 12'th step is to help other addicts. I think by helping others, it makes you feel better about your self. In other words, helping others, helps you!

Perhaps a 12 step program for mental health......it may have already been done....

Good Luck ,

 
Old 11-09-2007, 12:28 PM   #5
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

trg247 - I really feel your pain and can totally relate.... I am much like you... I try to get on here and help others and in turn maybe it will help me. Like you, I have been on every med there is for BP and was told 2 weeks ago by my shrink, I think your meds are keeping you to depressed, let's add wellbutrin. I said no way, it makes me mean. He said okay, well I need to get you off what you are on, it will take 2 weeks, before I can start something else. So tonight is the big night. I am sitting here thinking, what are the side effects going to be, is it going to work, how long before it works. On top of that, I am on 3 other meds from him, meds for migraines and meds for fibromyaligia. Its just wonderful... I have to stay strong because one day, we both will have our days where we will find that drug that works. I have been fighting this war for over 25 years and I refuse to give up.

I have seen many of your post and I know that you have helped many people on many different threads so you have done alot of good. You should be very proud of yourself and keep fighting for yourself. Don't ever give up.

I know about the anger, the sadness, the heartache, the lonliness, the hurt and all the other things. However, someday, there will be a rainbow waiting for both of us at the end of the tunnel.

I am sending my angels to watch over you. Please don't hurt yourself. When you feel sad or need to vent, please come here, we will be here for you. Jenn

 
Old 11-09-2007, 12:58 PM   #6
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247 View Post
Hi:

Thanks for your comments

The treatment plan basicaly said, my doctor kept it, I need long term counseling in a setting where the staff and people around me are qualified to deal with the many issues I have at hand so they can respond appropriately to keep me from resorting to my old ways of thinking and behavior.

Right now any positive step I try to make with the depression the borderline aspect steps in and screws it up...... kind of I know I need to have comple disclosure with my therapist but she/he looked at me funny so they can't be trusted, two many inner rules/boundaries that are set in concrete

He thought it was a great idea but there was no chance it could be pulled off. The majority of available treatment centers available through out the province have a strict criteria on the "type" of patients they accept and even fewer have beds that are available to someone on long term disability. At this point I would travel anywhere in the province heck maybe the country to get the proper help required but money is a major factor as the disability budget does not cover longterm private facility care, I would need to win the lottery before even considering going into the states.

take care
trg247
trg.....

No Doc...unless they are borderline, is qualified to treat you.....

I think you would have way more success with a "consumer" as the system calls us.

You don't have to live in hell, but you do have to let someone in.

I know about the nightmares, where you end up at the foot of the bed, and the sheets all over the place. I even know why you end up at the end of the bed. Do you know why?

You are going to have to let it hurt, to heal....I know I sound cruel, but it is true. You know that, don't you?

You have a lot of fans, rooting for you here....let's give 'er a go, ok?

Lil

 
Old 11-09-2007, 01:17 PM   #7
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hi:


Last nights nightmare I woke up sideways, blankets all over the place, physically felt like I had been run over by a big rig and talking to myself. Then once awake it takes awhile to get my head somewhat cleared. Sure takes the fun out of sleeping

The people around here are very supportive and kind, always have been for the most part but the decision to "dig deep" can't take place in this format the risk factor is way too high.

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
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Generalized Anxiety Disorder

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Temazapam

Last edited by trg247; 11-13-2007 at 10:55 PM.

 
Old 11-09-2007, 02:24 PM   #8
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

ok...let's try another route..

The fights with Freddie Krueger....result from the depression, and feeling like you are bad, from the nightmares.....yes?

I once read in a book that John Lennon tied himself to a chair so that he wouldn't smoke.....

When I would feel like taking the big dive into the next world, I would spin around in my computer chair, put my hands over my ears, and say " la la la la la la la la la" as loud as I could. The feeling would pass...and then it started passing faster...and faster.

I know....I hear them coming now....but it worked.

Lil

 
Old 11-09-2007, 03:31 PM   #9
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hi:

How to tell I an urge: I talk very quickly, I cover all available easily accessible skin (arms), I sit on my hands until it passes or the med kicks in or I surround myself with people (which doesn't work very well considering the hours I keep). So far so good as I am mark free for November

The nightmares come from periods where I had very little control and being reminded about it from past events. The only real guilt I have in my life including my past is not been in a better mental position to be a better father to my child. My past for the most part I can't justify for I know it had nothing to do with how well I behaved or acted ....... the sometimes bad things happen to good people does not work for a 17 year time frame

My life is about staying in control and keeping myself safe. For a long time self harm was used to keep myself in check..... now I am trying to figure out how to do it in a healthy manner

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 11-09-2007, 08:08 PM   #10
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lv2srf HB User
Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247 View Post
Hi:
The treatment plan basicaly said, my doctor kept it, I need long term counseling in a setting where the staff and people around me are qualified to deal with the many issues I have at hand so they can respond appropriately to keep me from resorting to my old ways of thinking and behavior.

Right now any positive step I try to make with the depression the borderline aspect steps in and screws it up...... kind of I know I need to have comple disclosure with my therapist but she/he looked at me funny so they can't be trusted, two many inner rules/boundaries that are set in concrete
Sheeeeeesh, well, that seems like a good plan... and the sheeeesh goes to the lack of chance of getting that, there or the US, really. I was thinking something along the lines of write to Dr. Phil or Montel (or some show on Discovery Health). I'd say Oprah, and maybe that would work, but she doesn't really seem to "get" even regular depression. It might be a chance equal to that of winning the lottery, but eh, why not, you know?

I thought the difficulty with borderline was a lack of solid boundaries? Maybe that's too simplistic. I guess there's a whole tossed salad of stuff contributing to being you.

Gotta say, you know yourself well, and your "limits". Probably Dr. Phil or Montel wouldn't be especially safe choices either.

<group-head-banging-on-the-wall-in-frustration-for-you> You deserve so much.

Last edited by lv2srf; 11-09-2007 at 08:08 PM.

 
Old 11-09-2007, 08:38 PM   #11
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

trg....

What you don't realize, is that you are in control. You aren't the frightened child any longer. You don't need anyone to protect you. You can protect yourself.

You are protecting the child from shadows from the past. It's no longer necessary. You have free will, and can say "NO" to anything you want. I know that logically you know this....but you have to let the child go. Let him rest in peace......

Not all of humanity is like your torturers...there are some people who can be trusted. Who are interested in your well being. Unfortunately, the ones closest to you may not be those people.

You are pulling at me when you talk about your son. I was told at age 40 that my Dad had a lot of guilt about me, and it contributed to his depression. I went to bed for two years, and didn't get up. Please don't feel guilty about your son....just be the best Dad that you can be for him. You don't have to be perfect...to him, you'll just be Dad. My Dad was my hero....no matter what. If you do nothing else, you need to pull a rabbit out of your hat for him.

So, can you try to put the skeletons back in the closet, and lock them in? They will never go away....but you can kick their butts back in that closet, and slam the door behind them.

Some of us humans are nice humans....we have our moments, because we are humans, but it's momentary....it doesn't mean the whole game is over, and we are back at square one. We come back for round two, and three, and four. And sometimes, we make progress along the way. This is what you call "normal". You and I don't know about that....we've never experienced it. I'm learning more about it as I go along....it's different, that's for sure. One day, I went to my therapist, thinking I was manic. We did a behaviour check...impulsive spending...nope....racing thoughts....not really....increased sex drive...don't think so....he congratulated me. He said "you feel normal" I said "huh?" He said, "you're not manic...your behaviour says you aren't...you are feeling 'normal'....you're not used to it, so you don't understand it." It's actually kinda cool.

Please stop letting your past ruin your future....don't let them win. You deserve way more than what you have gotten so far. I can tell that you are a good, sensitive man, who has an awful past. Please become that man.

Lil

Last edited by Pri Lily; 11-09-2007 at 08:42 PM.

 
Old 11-09-2007, 08:59 PM   #12
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hey there:

To my knowledge borderline consists of concrete boundaries there is just no leeway. Its either yes or no, black or white with very little in between. There is a lot more to it then that but when it comes to limits and boundaries they can make things rather difficult

example: I thought a nurse gave me a funny look (looking back I think she had something in her eye) so I took it as a sign of disrespect which triggered the "safety" issue so I walked away and refused to have anything to do with her. On a good day I can catch myself before I react ... when I am on this site I can reread something before I respond so it makes it easier.

When I decided to write out my life history for the doctor it was easier for I was just relaying information when I am talking about it I am looking for a reaction for him and the smallest thing could either stop the conversation all together or I will switch gears and try to play it off depending on what I deem the risk factor to me. Took me over two years and then I had to write it down on paper before I was able to even start to go into detail about my past and even still he only knows half the story and I made it very clear on my discharge writing thats all he will ever know even though I know he is just trying to help\

With a therapist its more then being open with that person, I have to be able to trust and feel safe with this person which is constantly being tested. One bad sessions and I will find a way to make sure its the last one no matter of the potential benifits because at that moment its all about keeping myself safe and thats the only thing that matters ........ of course I pay for it in the long run but thats something to deal with later

I have relationships with people that can be healthy and wonderfull but the second I no longer think I can trust the person (and there are some dumb reasons I have used) I turn around and walk away and I don't look back. 99/100 once I end the relationship there is no going back and the person basically disappears from my life completely almost like I never met them in the first point. I can't go back and fix it because all that is going through my head is how they "messed up" in the first place.
As for the Dr.Phil and Montel type enviroment it would never happen as there is no way I could be open. I can get pretty open here because I know if we passed on the street you wouldn't have a clue who I am which makes people here safe for the most part ...... that and the edit button.

sorry for the rant

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

Last edited by trg247; 11-13-2007 at 10:57 PM.

 
Old 11-09-2007, 09:05 PM   #13
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hey Lil

Your post showed up while I was writing mine. So it was not a response to you.

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 11-09-2007, 09:34 PM   #14
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Pri Lily HB User
Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

trg....

No problem....it's good information...oh, so true...

Lil

 
Old 11-10-2007, 04:52 AM   #15
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Re: Steps That I have Taken To Beat The Monster

Hi Trg, you are definitely taking control of your life and fighting like a prize fighter. Your posts have definitely changed since you have started coming here. I understand so much more about you now and I am assuming that you understand more about yourself too. These three attributes - self-empowerment, the will to fight, and self-understanding are the top skills for getting better......

I agree with you on people looking at you like you are your diagnoses. You know how I feel about diagnoses. If they would just interact with you as a person it would help a lot. When you described yourself with the "borderline boundaries" I understood you perfectly. Actually, just describing the boundaries made me understand. In the previous posts with just the title "borderline boundaries" I didn't understand. So to me the borderline title wasn't of much use, you had to tell me what it meant to you, as a real person, for me to understand.

Last edited by Sannah; 11-10-2007 at 05:00 AM.

 
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