sunshine0806

I was diagnosed with depression a year ago. I had gone through a few bad events that all struck at once, though I believe I already had depression - it's not fully situational. Anyway, I was prescribed Lexapro, and aside from a couple rough spells, I've been improving. When I came back to town last year, I struggled to find work. I had moved to the city and been working and going to school, but right before graduation, my apt. was robbed. I was really upset over it, and the neighborhood was getting bad, so I left. I was in a rut for a few months after - I had a hard time finding work and had only a couple of friends. I was able to get a part-time job working at a local university library. I only got that because my dad teaches there. It isn't much, but it's really helped me to slowly get into the world again. I didn't make a formal arrangement with the librarian - he just said to sign up for a class (you technically have to be a student to work there) and he would put me to work. The fall quarter will end tomorrow. I work at a branch campus, and have thought about transfering down to the main campus after another quarter - I have contacts down there, too, and can get more hours than here. The area is larger, and there are more opportunities there. I just didn't want to rush into anything and thought it would be best to do another quarter here. The librarian assistant, my boss, talked like they wanted me to work next quarter, too. She sent out a group email to all the library workers asking us what shifts we wanted next quarter. I replied, and she said, nice to have you back again. I said that I didn't make a formal agreement w/the librarian and told her about what I'd like to do (which is work another quarter). She responded that they want to hang onto me for as long as they can. She even asked me later if I liked working my current shift, and if that's what I wanted to do next quarter.

Yesterday, a week later, I asked the librarian about this week - to make sure it was the last week we'd be doing our normal schedules. We go on a long break until Jan. 3., though my boss had sent out an email asking if we'd like to do some intersession hours, since the library will still be open some during break. I'd said I'd like to do this, but never heard anymore about it. Librarian said that they wouldn't be taking any student workers during this time, but would I be returning next quarter? I said yes, and told him about my talks with boss. He said, yeah, we'll try to get you some hours. I don't understand this at all. I mean, I know he just hired me as a favor to my dad, but I felt I was doing a good job, loved the work, and just assumed from my convos w/boss that they'd have me back. I know the job is not much, but it has really helped give me something to look forward to. I enjoyed most of the people and it was just enough hours for me. I was hoping to find something else more full-time in town, but I haven't. I also have been doing some hours for a former professor - she has me do filing and research projects for her. I had hoped to do this all just a few mons. more so I wouldn't have job hopping on my resume, and maybe I'd find something locally instead of moving again. I don't know, I just feel really let down. I felt like I've done a good job - I'm reliable, hard-working. I'm not as talkative and suck-upish like some of the others, but that's not my nature. My dad suggests emailing my boss and asking, but I don't want to be pushy. Maybe they don't even know about schedules yet, but I'll be worrying all break about it. If anything, I wanted something steady to have on my resume. I've been crying on and off since last night. I could barely keep it together at work - almost blew my cool with these two ladies who insisted on staying past 9:00 even though they were warned twice that we close at 9:00pm. That's as close as I've come to having any problems w/people, and I wasn't even rude. I just sighed quite a bit when at 9:05 I was still checking out this lady's books and counting the multitudes of crap she'd printed. I wasn't really bothered, but the janitor was trying to clean and turn the main lights off, and kept looking at me like it's my fault. I admit I don't enjoy working with the people that much, but I've done reasonably well with it, and really, the people part isn't that involved. It's mostly just processing things. Anyway, I wasn't able to sleep but 3 hours last night. I've been sobbing on and off all day. I don't know how I can be calm and cool during work tomorrow. The librarian asked to make sure we'd both be working tomorrow (the other girl is not coming back to work next quarter). I'm so afraid he's going to say something like we won't be able to have you next quarter. This job has been the only bright spot this past year. I've been stuck living with my parents, my brother is coming home for a week from college in 2 days. So, I have to deal with my mom fawning over him, meanwhile I'm usually treated like a nuisance. I don't like change and I'll end up having to share the upstairs with him, meaning no privacy for me to sulk and cry. I don't have any close friends to talk to. I haven't been having suicidal thoughts, but I've had a lot of very negative thoughts about myself - "why am I here, what is my purpose? Nobody wants me around." Also, negativity about humankind in general - I've never been into people because really my dad is the only person in life who has always been there for me, supported me, cared about me. I thought about talking to my doctor - I had a re-check appt. recently, and since I've been doing better, I won't go back till 4-6 mons. He said if anything changed, I felt worse, than to let him know. I cut back my Lexapro to 5mg and have been worried about repercussions from that. My doctor hasn't been much help, though. I don't want to go to a therapist. My Dr. will listen and it helps to talk to him, but I was just in a week ago. What should I do? I don't want to be like this, but my life never stays positive for long. Bad luck always seems to find me.