I just realized I've been unhappy for the past 10 years + - Depression Message Board

gemma45 · 11-14-2007, 02:26 PM

Not like I haven't been thinking about my thoughts and feelings everyday but today something hit me while I was walking into work and I realized, "I've been unhappy for the past 10 years or more!" I sort of teared up but luckily didn't lose it.
It seems like the times I was happiest was when my son was younger (he's 15 now) and I was a stay-at-home mom. His father and I didn't have a good marriage (he was physically and mentally abusive toward me) and we got divorced about 8 years ago. Anyway, I find myself daydreaming about the days when my son was 1-6 years old and all the fun we had together.
I still have a great relationship with my son but he is not comfortable in my home with my current husband, his stepfather. My husband is kind of a gruff sort of guy with a deep voice and he isn't real outgoing. He is very opposite of my son's father - while my ex was bad toward me he comes across to others as gregarious, outgoing and friendly.
I have realized that I am in a marriage of convenience and have come close to divorcing my husband at different times over the past 6 years. I think the only thing keeping me in the marriage is money. If I had plenty to live on I would probably be on my own, in fact, I probably wouldn't have married him. I basically started over when I divorced my ex since I hadn't worked for 7 years. It took awhile to get myself reestablished careerwise and I'm still not where I would've been had I not stopped working. Don't get me wrong! I wouldn't have given up that time with my son for ANYTHING! It's just now I've done things that seem to be compromising my happiness.
I don't know what else to say other than everything I've done since before divorcing my ex and after divorcing him has been what I thought I should do in the best interest of my son (and me). It just seems like it has all backfired on me!
My identity revolved around being a mom and now that my son doesn't want to live at my house I feel like a failure. It's not like he doesn't love me, he even tells me I'm the best mom in the world and he always tells me he loves me without me saying it first.
I wish I didn't feel so sad.

hannah91 · 11-14-2007, 04:40 PM

I relate to so much of your post, I could have written the same thing a couple of years ago. I too am the parent of a teenager. I too am divorced from his abusive father. I too spend a lot of time reminiscing about 'the good old days' when my son was younger. And my son also wanted to go live with his Dad two years ago. I was horribly depressed for years. I wish I could give you an easy answer but there isn't one. I hope you are getting professional help for your depression as I did. You have to work at being as kind to yourself as possible. Trust that your son loves you still. Give this situation more time. Pray, if you can. Things could be quite different this time next year. They sure were for me. It's tough when all your hope and happiness is dependent upon where your son is at. I have so been there and still struggle with it. I so hope things will turn around for you soon, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

gemma45 · 11-21-2007, 03:23 PM

He still comes over after school and has dinner with us; spends every other weekend with us (overnight); and holidays. He just won't spend the night on school nights because he gets anxious.

Thanks for your encouragement!

Laye · 12-15-2007, 05:28 AM

I can so relate to this, too. I'm in a similar situation. And I so miss the days when my boys were young. Especially the holidays. Now, everyone is just out doing their own thing and don't seem to need me as much. What I've found that helps is getting involved that things you enjoy. Whether it be working out..get politically active..finding things to do with people who share your interests. When your kids get older and you find yourself with someone you aren't connected to, it's a great time to get connected to yourself. Make a plan, set some short term goals and just take it one day at a time and remember you won't always feel this way. Don't give up hope. You never know what is around that corner called LIFE!!