well my counsellor got hold of my doctor, it was one of those mornings im woke up by a phone call from something to do with my health and problems, but i was glad something was happening anyways.
apparently she didnt say much, one thing my counsellor noticed is she doesnt give much away lol. apparently they talked a bit and she told my doc i was trying and all and she didnt really say much. but that she reffered me having been through the other hopsitals to another hospital now and that itll take a good while. so then my counsellor brought up about what to do when shes gone and suggested group therapy which she seemed a bit reluctant about im told but havent spoken to the woman yet so i dont know. im confused why shed be reluctant-she usually jumps at the chance for any way, shape or form of me going anywhere but her surgury-id think at least given the amount of hassle i am.i thought maybe it was because she has thought i was agressive at times and thinks id be the type that cant handle another persons opinion or talk about anything but me or that id be the type to start shouting down people and throwing chairs(but i dont!). but turns out my counsellor is looking into that and so is my doc apparently finding stuff out about that too, which is good i suppose because maybe now she can be active about something and shes helping or at least trying. she didnt really comment on my progres really, or her opinion of me, didnt mention the bad stuff i did or anything and just said 'hm hm' when told i was trying.
we thought over it all for a bit and wondered if shes keeping her mouth shut completley because then she isnt held to anything, when talking about the psychs conclusion she didnt agree or disagree just said she reffered me somewhere else. if she says nothing then she wont be held to account and maybe given last time when she was overturned maybe she doesnt want it happening again. itd be good to have gotten some feedback about where she thinks im at but i dont think she was budging.
i asked my counsellor if she was cold with her, because usually when i get to something uncomfortable and that could potentiially point the finger at her or it gets a little sketchy she just stares, proffessional face goes on and i feel like she is being passivley confrontataional, maybe not confrontational as such but very defensive and refusing to speak really. i understand that its just im given no leeway in being defensive, i have to sit and remain passive and not complain or im told im disrespectful and its turned on me and suddenly im aggressive and out of control or something, but whatever if it takes me to remain passive ill just sit and nod for as long as i can take it. my counsellor said she wasnt cold, she was nice it just seemed like shes out of ideas and suggestions and i can understand things are such a mess if it was me maybe i wouldnt be so quick to put my foot in it, maybe its kind of like feeling like you just cant get it right until you understand the problem and she doesnt want to risk it, i dont think ill ever know properly.
hopefully this hospital will understand but she didnt have high hopes, i worry ill be left behind, after that, she wont be interested and my own cousnellor will be gone and i really actually will be helpless and i cant see much hope then im going to have to really work on this one and how to get it out, i was thinking of getting my counsellor before she goes to work on it with me and perhaps write her own statement sort of thing to say i actually tried and what she made of my work and 'progress' if you can call it that over the past year. ive been asked before what i want, i know they wont just say a word and thatll be it. but what i dont want is the brush off again, for them to sigh a bit and say im 19, or to be passed around or handed a sticky note with 2 numbers on it for me to contact and a goodbye. id just like it if they understood what im saying and really got it this time and listened, i dont mean a diagnosis, thatd help possibly if i understood it myself then i think i could separate things a lot more, i would feel like im fighting a thing rather than a large swirling mess that i just cant touch no matter what, id also feel if it has a name it has an end and someone somewhere knows about it and can help, if im just a mess and thats it then theres not much hope of any of that-its also mean a lot less explaining at such great length. but if not all i really want is something that shows real hope and i feel will work and is suited to me, id rather someone actually think on it than just throw phone numbers at me. thats what i want then. i know there wont be an over night cure, but to me ive been wrestling the system so long just to get one person to listen that to me a start on something would be nice, itd be a massive boost because i want something to hold onto and focus on, right now i have nothing, no sense and no direction or clue as to were im going wrong so i dont understand or know how to fix it. it feels to me like i havent even taken a breath or begun to get better because its been stalled constantly by muck ups and people just fobbing me off and not being heard. if i can get it to work itd just be a start for me, id be a lot less hassle if they just listened to me at the start but thats done now.
i think my next few sessions (the last) will be preparing on how to open up right, what i need out of it and how to get it across because when i think of it last time i hadnt begun counselling yet, i cudnt even open up to my counsellor when i first met her and i was so niave about it all.
what do you think, i feel like nothings changed a bit, she didnt say much so she must really have had her fill of me and my problems, shes still hopeless and im stuck here, but at least i may get group and i think thatd be good, because i can never find anyone open enough to talk to, not that im an open book myself but in the right setting i think i may benefit a lot. what do you think carsam?? at least if im with no one maybe ill have group? but i bet thatll take a while but its better than nothing ever coming my way. im a tad worried about my next doc appointment, itll hopefully be a while before im back, i was just worried shed think i set my counsellor on her or something, i dont think to be honest shed be in the slightest bit intimadated maybe just offended or angry, thats not why she rang my doc though it was genuinely we were stuck and theres no way we could not ask for her help on it and just watch everyone walk off. hopefully she didnt take it that way but ill find out next time. i really dread all the times ill have to go through things and my counsellor wont be there, because looking back the minute i speed walk away from whatever appoinment with whoever who has been short with me or not listened and frustrated me i call her up, i talk to her a lot and when she leaves i cant imagine what itll be like, i dread to think what wouldve happened at times if she hadnt of been there and i do get scared of feeling that if shes gone, she has pointed me in a lot of the right directions and helped not feel as lonely sometimes, she cant fix it but at least she can stand there with me-thats why i really wanted my docs support, not to call her everytime someone is an idiot just to know someones on my side and will listen when i do talk to her again and will even maybe read my letters and actually understand not just sigh. heres hoping anyways.
So is your counsellor leaving "permanently"? Or is she returning after she recovers from her surgery? It sounds like you have a really good relationship with her....I've never heard you once say anything to indicate she doesnt understand how much you're struggling and how much you're trying to sort things out. The more I read, the more I see that it's almost like you are trying to "convince" these people that you're trying! Why is that? Of course you're trying, you're trying to sort this whole thing out in your head and move forward. One thing I do know about you Pucca after all this time, is that you really do want this to "go away". You WANT to be happy and free of all this confusion....that my friend is something to be "hopeful for" as you say.
Yes, I do think that phone call was a good idea....because your counsellor has opened the door for you to do what we talked about with your doc, remember? I still say when you see her, any time she makes you feel "bad", you should tell her that. Pucca, she is a professional, and she should be trained to deal with anything. The call from your counsellor is part of a normal treatment process....she is leaving for surgery and is calling your doc to discuss how you're doing. She shouldnt feel that you "set your counsellor on her".
The thing is, and you hear it all the time, is that we need to be responsible for our own health as much as the "system" is. Which means, dont just "accept" things. If you're not happy with how you're being taken care of, find another doctor. I hope and pray you will do that some day....but for now....at least try to bring yourself up to an equal level with her. Tell her how you feel about things, be calm about it....and make sure she "hears" what you're saying. I hope she listens because you can communicate your feelings very well Pucca.
I think group therapy would be a great idea.....maybe less "intense" than going one on one with a new therapist. You might not feel as "on the spot". Give it a try....it's good to see you open to the possibility. I think your counsellor is a good example of how the right kind of help really is crucial. You run to her when you need help because you know she'll always listen. Remember that you had to start out with her as well at some point. So there's other's out there too that have that ability, and that same compassion for their patients. I'm sure one day this will all get ironed out...because and I know this sounds very simplistic.....because you "want it to". Because no matter how much you struggle you dont give up. And listen.....until you find someone in person, if you need to write those letters.....I'd be happy to read them...and of course I wont sigh.....besides, I'm kind of used to them lately. Gotta get my cup of tea before I sit down now......
Hang in there.....you'll be okay Pucca......you're alot stronger than you realize you know.
hi carsam thanks that was a nice reply. i noticed my lengthyier than usual posts after if posted the last one-i dont notice it gets that long it just happens and im on a roll lol.
my counsellor at best wont be back for a few months, her funding is up so techniqually she doesnt have a job to go back to-unless she is re-sponsered. she did say that if she ends up somewhere close to where im able to get too again that i can see her again at her new job if im able to get to it. i really am glad i ran into her in this mess, thank god she was there at times and i feel if she wasnt there to point me in the right direction or speak some sense and something i understand id have been totally swallowed by the whole system and my doc, i really dont think id have the confidence to ask question and debate the docs because my counsellor has always been the one to see it from my side and also there and she tends to speak the straightforward 'as it is' kind of way so i have a bit of a guide as to whats right and wrong in it all. she has never said anything to indidicate she doesnt understand and she is very perceptive. obviously there have been times ive explained further but the one thing that i can actually say that makes a good counsellor and to be honest its not that hard to pick up and thats what frustrates me about the others is-she isnt judgmental, she has never made a solid conclusion of me and anything ive said or done because she knows how i feel. even if its bad stuff she never gives me a patronising look and she would never lecture me or start on me, afterall that is useless, it doesnt help in the slightest, itd be different if i thought it was all wonderful the mess id made. instead she just talks through it about how i felt and why, is there any other way to get around things thatd help and how to deal with certain things.
i have thought myself about having responsability for your own health and all and i understand that i cant just sit and do what i want and not care because i expect the system to take care of everything. i wouldnt want to not be able to myself. my doc has said this to me before that she cant be left with it all, but then she doesnt realise the effort i put in and the persistance its taken to still be here let alone still chasing down organsisations and other options. i may not look like i care but i do, it takes a lot to do what i manage to do and i afterall could just very easily sit here and demand, mess people and about and just create chaos, it wouldnt be hard to bring new meaning to the phrase'difficult patient' but why would i want to because i want to get better. i know about the whole seeing a new doctor, right now im sticking with her, at least until after my assessment. im thinking of giving myself an ultimatum that i know if i need to take heat of it will kill me but i might just have to brave it. itll take me to have some form of counsellor in it regardless. i was thinking if this assessment doesnt work out or if my doc doesnt change towards me i will go somewhere else. i think id have no choice anyway but id rather say it first than her. there would be no sense to stay if all hope of her ever listening to me again is gone and i think itd only do further damage. itd take me though to have it planned and organised and be used to the idea of calmly accepting if it doesnt work i can go to 'such and such a place', instead of me standing freaking out because im leaving and not knowing what to do. itll have to be like last time, as soon as i lost it with that doc i was booking in to the next within a week, i felt better i was keeping the ball rolling and it stopped me dropping any further than i did i think although it was still pretty bad. but maybe thats what ill have to talk to my counsellor about. i just hate the thought of closing the door on her and then getting stuck with no one, knowing my luck ill get a few idiots first but hey maybe it wont come to that. i hope that my doc is just unsure right now and handling it as much as she can and thats the reason for this because she doesnt actually know what is wrong with me, thats why its all built on this assessment.
thanks for reading all this stuff, im a bit full on sometimes and can be intense to keep up with when someone is trying to help me so it means a lot when someone listens and is patient. its funny how some people cant do that and others it just isnt a big deal.
hey carsam, im booking to see her not this coming week but the next-thatll be 3 weeks gone since i last seen her, time for her to have a break from me and time for me to get talking to my counsellor. im going to aim for a tuesday morning app so i can see my counsellor as scheduled after so if it all blows up i have her anyway. i wrote a letter but havent sent it yet(its the weekend), in it i mentioned about how her talking makes me feel sometimes. i wasnt offensive at least a i made a specific effort not to be, because i really dont care if its her fault or not id just like it to stop and then we can get on with things. i need to talk to her about this next assessment, my other refferal thingy for group that she was looking into also.i dont know if i should send the letter, i always imagine she sees its from my and thinks 'oh god now what', but she says she doesnt mind but i dont know, i might leave it just incase.
today its crap outside, last night i felt down. we had a few freinds over and we were sitiing there just watching tv, everyone was laughing but i was somewhere else in my head. i seem to just get stunted with lots of people when i feel it drop, it becomes physical and i feel horrible and then like crying. anything seems to be making me unerved-:P the other day the washing machine was on and it got extremly loud, as in i could hear it before i opened the door into the house. it was really roaoring and it nearly made me cry, i actually feel afraid of the loud noises-i do have to laugh thought at how stupid that is.
the other night was bad. i harmed and managed to cover most of my stomach.i really needed it though, things are bad right now and it gets me by, but im trying to hold off, i see my parents today and i always feel guilty. last night i was very down and then my mum called to say my uncle had died(he was sick) but i held off. its the funeral they said i didnt have to go but itd be nice of me, funerals no matter who it is hover over me badly, i wasnt very close to him but still its sad. the funeral may also be on the day i see my cousellor, in that case i cant go, i feel bad for being selfish but she leaves in 3 weeks and every session is important to me, if my uncle was very close maybe but in truth i dont think anyones expecting me to be there, but if i can fit it in i will go that morning.
i still havent managed to do any essays. i went to the education guys at UNI and they said i still need them in, i may be able to manage one of them but not the other. i feel like my brain has just stopped. but tonight ill sit down and give it a real go.
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle.....I know you werent close, but nonetheless, this is always sad news.
How are you feeling now? Sorry I didnt get a chance to respond yesterday? You mentioned you had an appt with your counsellor - did you have it already? If so, how did it go?
Let me know how you're doing when you have a chance.
hi carsam. well i seen my counsellor today, it was mainly spent talking about how in the hell to get around this doctor problem. we came to a sort of agreement that i might not be able to. she felt that i have no hope of convincing the woman or getting her understanding, its very hard to accept-ive been trying for a looong time, time after time and really throwing myself slap bang in the centre of it all to get through to her but its hopeless, its just its hard to keep going alone never mind when you tried and the person gave up and your alone again, i think had i known id have just stuck with 'alone and nothing else', she said that some people, it is just not within their realms to be able to understand this stuff and that from talking to her she has little understandning of a counselling process or 'anything out of the ordinary' as my counsellor called it. im sure she is still a good doc in terms of physical and to certain degree mental and shed obviously have to be intelligant-but that doesnt mean your brilliant at connecting to a further degree, but what my counsellor is saying is that she is thinking very black and white and seems to think you go in, you talk and tell all and your cured. it hurts a lot, my counsellor said she told the doc i was trying as hard as i can and that im one of her best clients, that in all her years im one of only two that has shown up to every app and that my determination is unsual, to which my doc went silent, sighed and said something along the lines of having tried everything with me.
she said that she seemed very keen to shirk responsability of me, i dont expect her to be responsable for me anymore than any other patient, im responsible for my health i know but when im trying everything i can and she wont push it an extra mile then really she cant be doing all she can i remember she compared me to a heart attack patient and said if id come to her having a heart attack and she told me what to do it is my responsability to do it, if she told me to exerecise i would be expected to do it, but i feel like the heart patient whos crippled and tried to exercise back into shape and physically am incapable of doing it all myself yet theyre telling me to run a marathon. my counsellor said she kept trying to beat it back at her and make her face up to things she wont listen to me about, she was very vague in parts and kept saying what the hospital said, that she has done everything and all, it takes the responsability off her and puts it on the hospital only instead of helping they fobbed me off which leaves me nowhere, techniqually im hers again but thats not happening.
from what my counsellor told me she seems tried of it. she mentioned group to her and my doc was just filled with answers like'yea but that place might only do group for those already in there or conected', to which my counsellor had to push and suggest what to do, it wasnt brain surgury to check it out to me thats obvious. this is just one example of how im willing to find and try lots of things but if she knows about something she doesnt seem to be bothered unless its not to much hassle or right under her nose-i appreciate im difficult to treat but im pushing it as hard as i can go and some things that for no reason other than phaffing about and not really giving a toss were not not mentioned sooner or tried. i try and think thats not what it was and be nice and see it from her veiw but its hard, if someone just even explained why its such a mess and things are so flippant then id at least understand-but in truth i can see no other reason for her just sitting there saying the same thing every week until suddenly the obvious becomes known. in the begginning she was great and very productive, i think she got bored and lost the 'new patient' enthusiasm when she realised i was going to be a difficult case, i didnt intend on being awkward and i have gone out of my way not to be as much as i can and hold back
i got a bit upset in my head, at why she wont help me and why its so much hassle for her and frustrated she cant feel what im feeling, its horrible and i feel like shes leaving me to it.it is hard when someone is sitting high up and telling me how to do things she has never experienced and gets at me for not trying, does she not think i am frustrated beyond beleif or that i feel out of options, she is too and yet she tells me to sit and try harder, be positive and not give up-yet off she goes. i think its worse because i had a lot of trust in her and she said from her own lips that she wouldnt give up and leave and here we are with her seemingly not giving a damn. i think i could sit about on her list for years and see her every few weeks and shed just say whatever came into her head to pass the time with me and get me out ready for next time i dont think id be being helped just occupied doing something
my counsellor says she was very nice but very proffessional and she thinks maybe shes taking it too far, that if she could just let down a bit she would connect more, but thats not going to happen and to be honest im tired of trying, i know she must be proffessional and im glad because thats why i went in the first place but just sometimes to move a little further can she not try and understand or even pretend??-why can that not ne proffessional too? i asked why she was being so mean but it was explained that my counsellor doesnt think she is actually mean, she helped me try and understand that its not that, she just cannot understand me or anything about my case and she said that from talking to her she could tell she has no concept of the effects of abuse or trauma. that maybe obviously being a doc she wants me to get better but simply doesnt know how and therefore just has to cut ties and give up. i hope that she does want me to get better at least, i do sometimes beleive her when she says that to me its just i cant connect the two, if she does then why is she happy to leave me stranded?? my doc apparently said i lacked social skills but did not connect this with the abuse. when my counsellor mentions the abuse she seemed to go silent or just go 'mmm' in an unsure sort of way-kind of like she is with me, on comes the vaccant 'oh jesus this is awkard so ill just sit tight and keep a stern face on and say nothing'. it really really hurts to not have someone belive you or feel understanding for anything when you put so much into opening up to them about that kind of stuff. and its not i put to high expectations on her, i just wanted simple understanding, thats what i had in the beginning and i was happy with that, its only when she began reversing did i get to warped into trying to get her understanding. my counsellor feels that this constant misundderstanding is going to wreck me completlyy, and i feel the same at times, i get glimpses and i know she is just adding fuel to the fire in terms of the feelings of abuse etc-not nessecarily her fault its just one of those things.
i also asked my counsellor if she mentioned anything about me being irresponsible and not doing enough, she said she didnt say it directly, she was careful but that reading between the lines she feels that my doc thinks im not trying. i asked her about this, why is she doing that its confusing, im trying my best yet im looking at her thinking' why cant you just do this or say that-itd be so easy for you to say those words and itd help so much', but she wont do it or even touch on it anymore, my counsellor started explaining what counter transference is, appaerntly its like when you subconcsiously unload your own feelings onto the other and accuse the other of what you are doing. not neccessarily on purpose or meaning to,, but that maybe somewhere she recognisises this is a mess and she has perhaps made a few mistakes or said the wrong thing, realises it somewhere and is putting it on me and shaking off any responsability. you know if she told me the truth, i said this to my counsellor today, if she dropped the white coat for a second and talked to me person to person the whole mess and what happened and what went wrong, i wouldnt care what she did or didnt do, i honestly if i knew the truth wouldnt care if it was all her fault, id just like a bit of honesty and not to be constantly made to feel all of this is my fault and that i cant do anything right, i feel very small and weak and like i am stupid at all this.i think ill carry this around for a while, i have lost a lot of confidence in opening up and am bent on making sure things cannot be my fault so i dont put myself out there with them, she has a proffessional way of talking that really warps my head and i cant see how she is wrong at times, i apply it to everything then, i cant just be wrong about one thing it must be everything then, the more she has laid into me the more i feel it and in truth i have walked out of there some days feeling like i just got trampled on by a herd of bulls and that sets the next while totally off for me and gives me so many issues to pick at all day long and the funny thing is i was and still am at times so damn sure she is right im wrong and im crap and shes so much better than me so i should listen to her.
she also said my refferal will be a while. i see her next week about it and the group thing. i have a plan now, its a crap outlook but i dont really have much choice anymore. we decided i stick with this assessment, focus on it and try my best, if it works out i will be their patient and she will no longer have to deal with me and my problems-so hopefully i can have something to get on with while i get over the let down. while im waiting we decided, and this will be very very difficult with no counsellor or much support while shes away, we decided that i sort of shut down, it was strange being taught how to lose trust in someone because usually i have no problem its just i want her to help so much this time, the plan is to just let it lie and leave it, stop opening up to her and trying to get her understanding because it is useless and hopeless and its obvious i actually get worse and worse each time she unknowingly puts her foot in it. apparently i go to her only for physical problems and self harming problems that i overdid(hopefully wont need that as itd be very awkard trying to avoid questions then). however theres a problem even with this-i get very bad physically at times as you know were its simply impossible to function normally, i dont want to turn up to her for her to jump on the 'its all in your head train' or itll be me trying to get her to understand all over again. i think its time to back away now, stop talking to her, stop writing and see her for just refferals and notes i need. i still need her for that at the minute. if she starts asking ill just say things are the same and get what i need there. itd make her job easier and in time maybe itll ease for me as i wont have to be open to the put downs and bollockings i keep getting from her. its just hard to go without support and encouragment when at this time is the most i need it and she cant give it to me. its going to take a getting used to and im really really devastated about it just because it drags up so many issues with me, but i think i have to stop thinking and just accept shell never know what it is like to be me or live my life or what perspective i see things or what i feel very deeply. its just not in her capabilities and its probably worse if i keep pushing it.if she starts asking awkard questions i wont lie, ill just answer the plain truth but not try pushing it and hoping to opening up and focusing so much on it, she can take it or leave ill just have to learn to sit frozen with her, im not being difficult and i wont be, i just dont see the point wrecking myself to get understanding if its not happening,ill just take the bare minimum and try not to need help so much. i think if she ever did start asking questions i might just resisit or just be helpful but not overwhelming, its not worth coming out again and ill have been there , done it and bought the t-shirt in bulk several times over, i think ill just leave it.
i am not moving docs yet, if this assessment works then i dont need her so much,if it goes badly and she isnt there to help which i doubt she will be then its crisis time and i have to heave myself onto the next, try and open up , make sense, get the help and pretty much get it in a hole in one-otherwise ill breakdown entirely but lets not think about that as it may never happen(which would be great).or i could just stay with my doc and go to a normal counsellor for a few weeks and jump about but that will be useless.
tonight, although i have not even got my letter for my assessment date im writing out a list of what i need to say, trying to think deeply and write then a history as it makes it clearer for them and me. hopefully ill get somewhere with that, im trying to make the most of when im clearer and trying to be positive, being prepared(yes even this prepared before i even have a date) makes me feel less anxious, more intune with what ill do and what my options are if it doesnt go well.
things are very hard these days, and in truth i dont see the point most days to even put my feet on the floor but i dont have a choice.
what do you think?? i think my doc tried as hard as she knows how to and im honesttly grateful for that-maybe she tried as best she could i proabably wont know, id be very forgiving and understandning, infact id probabaly have left the place long ago only im just so hurt by it, but what can i do but keep moving i suppose
itd make her job easier and in time maybe itll ease for me as i wont have to be open to the put downs and bollockings i keep getting from her. its just hard to go without support and encouragment when at this time is the most i need it and she cant give it to me. its going to take a getting used to and im really really devastated about it just because it drags up so many issues with me, but i think i have to stop thinking and just accept shell never know what it is like to be me or live my life or what perspective i see things or what i feel very deeply. its just not in her capabilities and its probably worse if i keep pushing it.
Pucca, I have to say I was not expecting a post like this, but you probably already know my reaction. In actually accepting you are stepping back from your relationship with your doctor, I think you sound very positive, I know it's extremely hard for you, but I am proud of you for having this attitude towards it. The part that I highlighted above really jumped out at me......what you said about accepting that she'll never know what it's like to be you.......or to live your life.......I'm glad you have come to realize this, as no one but you Pucca can do that. Remember the story I told you about my son? How much I was fretting about his anxiety over his new teacher. Today when I went to pick him up, I saw him laughing with her, and giving her a big hug. My point....what seems so scary is not always so....and in the end, what was very frightening for him, has done him the world of good, and now he is able to adapt to other people and realizes, there is more than one person that he can feel comfortable with. I hope in the same respect this all turns out the same for you. I know you are scared, but for whatever it's worth, I'll always be here to listen...and I know you can work through this and get set up with another counsellor and another doc if it comes to that. As you've said over and over again, you are trying.....and you havent given up yet. I know you will get through it.