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trg247 12-07-2007 01:18 PM

Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi;

In my search for a therapist something has finaly appeared. A local mental health care team has opened the door. I need to attend 3 different modules then they go through the initial assessment to determine what is the best stragedy for the type of help I require. There counseling/therapy session is between ten to fifteen sessions in length but at the end if I still require more work then they will make the connection to the next person. They are well aware of my diagnosis and other issues already. I may also qualify for some of their other services as well but that will be determined after I fully register and complete the three modules. So far so good but unfortunately because it is publicly funded the wait list for the therapy is between four to six months long. At least it is a step in the right direction

take care
trg247

allsorts 12-07-2007 01:25 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Wow, that's nice news to hear. Here I knew the universe had something in store for you. ;)

lv2srf 12-07-2007 01:39 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!!

:bouncing:

Pri Lily 12-07-2007 04:45 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi Terry.....

aaahhhhhh.....Thank God.......

It didn't make sense to me.....my ex-boyfriend had a Gold Card for entrance to the Clarke.

The medical community are usually very interested in getting to work with someone with issues as complex as yours.

I hope you feel better, I know I do. Sorry, but I was getting worried.

Later

Jan

Sannah 12-19-2007 06:17 AM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi Trg, I pulled up this thread so that I could reply to your long thread that was closed. I have been away for a few days because I have been so darn busy! What I wanted to comment on from your other thread - I don't think that you can totally count on anyone but yourself. I think that you can get help from others and enjoy them but in the end you only really have yourself to depend on totally. I think that everyone has to be responsible for him or herself when it comes right down to it. We can depend on others to a point, though.

I think that it is great that you are exploring your feelings etc. with the nurse. I also think that it is okay that you feel 13 doing this. You have to start somewhere for heavens sake. I remember having to start somewhere too. You will only progress from there and this is very good.

About you feeling bad about your son worrying about you etc. - My theory is that children can tolerate any situation as long as they are communicating with a loving parent. He will be fine. My youngest daughter has been all worried about my husband's back. The day after he had surgery she cried in my arms for ten minutes until I finally figured out that she needed some explanation about the situation. Once we talked about it she was fine. Her letter to Santa started out by her talking about her dad and how worried she is about him. Only after that did she ask for one thing. I did cry when I read this but she will be fine.

When you wrote that you can't believe that you aren't better before now and how this upsets you. I think that you have finally found your path for the way out now and this is why nothing got better before.

Oh and by the way, I am happy for you concerning the subject on this thread. I couldn't reply to it previously.

trg247 12-19-2007 11:23 AM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi:

When I was a kid my Dad was always in the hospital or at least it seemed that way. I saw him dead the first time at eleven or twelve, then he died twice on the operating table when I was fourteen during a major bypass operation, then there were all of the strokes in between. For a long time every time I heard a siren fear would rush through my body. When my Dad did die I remember the feeling or thought that went through my head "there is no reason to worry anymore". My Dad and I had a very rough relationship when I was a kid and for a long time I hated him but I didn't want anything to happen to him. When your a kid you see your father as invincible to me that ended when I saw him die the first time and I learned he was human. There is a lot more to this but I am not going to go into it at least for now.

The relationship I am trying to have with my son is the type of relationship I had with my father during my mid twenties and the relationship I had with my Grandfather. My son just turned four and during his life to now I have spent a total of three months in the hospital, I doubt he remembers the first time I went in but he remembers the last time very well. The other thing was when i was in the hospital his Poppa was two floors above me due to a seizure and a couple of shattered vertebrates and he was there for over a month which must have added to my sons stress. The reason my son believes why I was in the hospital was that I needed new medicine and the doctors needed me to be in the hospital to figure out the best ones so I could be the best Daddy possible, which he seems to understand to a certain point. When I was in the hospital I would rehearse the conversations that I would have with him before I phoned to make sure that the stress or worry level was as low as possible and after the phone call I was a wreck. I knew I was doing the right thing by getting help which will hopefully pay off in the long run but at the same time I knew it was causing stress in his life which hurt me something terrible. See I fight because I made him a promise to all ways be there to take care of him so I fight to be in the best position possible to do this but the fight has left a mark on him that I hope with time will fade. The therapist asked what has stopped me from taking that next step to where my life is over and the answer is easy, every time I am there I see my son's face and I hear the promise I made him so I stop. If my son was not in my life I would not have a life as he is the only reason why I continue and today that is still very true, without him I no longer exist. Now the goal is to keep him laughing, smiling, teach him about morals and being a good person but now I need to fix the damage that I have done at the same time. I think if I get my life back to the level that I am aiming for then the damage to him will disappear and with time any worry he has about me will fade but what happens if I don't win this fight, what happens if history repeats itself and my meds turn useless again and I am back in the tornado again. I don't care what happens to me but I am almost obsessive when it comes to protecting him and I know that every time I slide it plays an effect on his mental condition. My ex wife I sent away to protect her from me but I can not do that with my son for if he is gone then so am I. I am rambling.

warning: my son is a very sensitive area so if you choose to respond to this post please keep him out of it as much as possible. I made the comparison so there is no reason for anyone else to do the same. Thanks

take care
trg247

Pri Lily 12-19-2007 04:27 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
[quote]warning: my son is a very sensitive area so if you choose to respond to this post please keep him out of it as much as possible. I made the comparison so there is no reason for anyone else to do the same. Thanks[/quote]

Not sure what comparison you're referring to, so here goes....if it's not good, skip over it, and I'm sorry.......

I don't think that being sick, makes anyone a bad parent.

I believe that children get frightened whenever a parent gets sick...even if it's with the flu.

You are taking a conscientious, and responsible approach regarding the best way to deal with the situation between you and your son.

You are doing what you think is best for his wellbeing, rather than what you would really like to do.

You have a deep desire to be there for your son, and make sure he is always safe. And so you shall.

I don't believe, that when it comes to the point of jumping into the pit or not, that you would do it.....I believe that you will seek help, no matter how disgusted you are with the medical profession, because you really do hate how you feel, and since you're gonna be here for some time....it would be nice to feel better, while you're here.

ok,.....you may not want to read this.....prepare yourself if you are going to read it.

My Dad was hospitalized many times over the years....he was bi-polar I, and apparently had bad depressive bouts, that he would lock himself in the bed room, and not come out for days. I don't remember this...I was too young. I didn't know about many of the hospitalizations, or the ECT treatments, until after he died.

I have sat and thought, numerous times, about whether I was better off not knowing, or, if I would have felt better, had I known, and been able to visit him in the hospital.....when I got older.

I honestly believe that it was better for both of us, that I didn't know everything that was going on, until I was 18. I think it would have been gut wrenching on both sides.

I know that you wish things weren't the way they are....but....life sucks.

My bet is, that you will become the Dad that you want to be. I think your will is too strong to settle for anything less.;)

Take care, Terry......

Jan

trg247 12-19-2007 05:00 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi:

As long as my son is in the picture I will continue to fight and work towards the final goal. Like I have said many times before I made him a promise that I fully intend to keep.

If I end up in a real bad place for whatever the reason will I go to my doctor ..... no. The new program I started will hopefully be in a position to provide the help I need that is after I finish the next two modules and then go for the meeting with their team, no idea what I am going to do if they don't think they are in a position to help me which is a possibility but I will find that out late January. Anyway back on track from now on my relationship with my doctor is simple he is there to prescribe meds, my risk factor is no longer his business nor is any progress or slide that is going on. He wants to play games with me that is fine but I make the rules and I don't know how to lose. I know what meds are working and which ones are not, Seroquel is working Nardil is not or at least not very well it is his job to make the right adjustments and thats all he needs to know. His "too borderline" and "untreatable" comments took him right out of the original game, if it was possible to get a new doctor I would have done it by now and he knows it. I regret telling him anything about my past but stupid me thought it would make him open his eyes and put him in a better position to help and it worked while I was an inpatient but now he acts like he barely remembers my name let alone how my brain operates. Sorry for the tirade

take care
trg247

Pri Lily 12-19-2007 05:25 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi Terry....

Hey...no problem with the tirade.....

I've been told that he never wanted to see me again, and got kicked out of the office by a Psyche. No backbone, they're wimps...all of them:D

Again, I believe what he said is unethical, but we're just the patient, right? Not important.

Anyway.....about that bit of mood stabilizer I suggested to bump up the Nardil......Lamotrigine is my drug of choice. Very few side effects, but it should be started out slowly, as the one side effect it has is a rash, which can sometimes be avoided, if you start out really slowly. I haven't seen anywhere that it's contraindicated with Nardil, but that doesn't mean it isn't.

So....we have a different thread...:cool:

Take care, Terry....later

Jan

Sannah 12-19-2007 05:39 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Trg, so I guess you were comparing your worrying about your dad with your son's worrying about you. You say that you think that his worrying is going to damage him? I have never heard anyone say that they are a mess now because they were worrying about a parent. I don't think that your worrying about your dad is what got you where you are. I don't think that worrying is damaging to development, just my opinion, though.

trg247 12-19-2007 10:42 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
I need to be careful here.

My PTSD stems from a long history in negative environments and a couple of incidents that would have gave me the diagnosis on their own. I woke up when I was 11 or 12 to watch two paramedics bring my Dad back from the dead, for the longest time afterwards I worried that I would do something that would cause him to die again so I altered the way I behaved, I didn't argue or purposely cause an increase in his stress level. So every time I was angry with him which was most the time I found a way to deal with the anger internally which usually meant cutting the hell out of my body. The odd thing was I was blamed for the heart attack due to not behaving, the part that got me for a long time is that I told him I wished he was dead earlier in the day. Would my life be different if I didn't worry about my fathers health ... I have no idea what the difference would be but without a doubt it left its mark. Every siren for the next 17 years would make my heart jump into my throat, every odd hour phone call I feared the worst, I started to prepare for my Dad's death a long time before he died ..... not like it helped when it finally happened mind you. My son does not need to go through that so I am starting to repair any damage no matter how slight right now before it has a chance to build and progress. Worrying causes an increase in stress and anxiety and we both know what happens when they hit dangerous levels

take care
trg247

Pri Lily 12-20-2007 08:13 AM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi Terry.....

I'm not feeling up to par today, so forgive me, if I'm not clear as a bell....(are bell's clear?)

I hope you realize that you didn't cause your Dad's heart attack. Your Dad had a bad heart.

The fact that he had a heart attack the same day as you said something to him in anger is pure coincidence.

My next medical challenge is a "stress test" on Jan 15...I have extremely high cholesterol, and my Grandfather had his first heart attack at 42. The cholesterol is mostly inherited....most of my family have it.

We are more aware of family historys, etc. these days, because they are the cause of heart attack, and stroke...along with other factors, granted, but when push comes to shove, one has to have a bad heart to have a heart attack.

Preparing for a death, to me, is ok....but mainly to acknowledge that it is going to happen, possibly sooner, than later. Sudden, unexpected death is the biggie for me.

One problem that I have as a borderline, is not being able to let go of things....I really only stopped mourning my Dad's death about a year ago...he's been dead for 30 years. I figured out, that had I been around, it might have made a difference.....but maybe not. I didn't cause him to commit suicide....he did. Basically, it's one big question mark, and I have spent enough time speculating on it. Time to get on with my life.

Can I have an update please....:)

Take care, Terry....later...

Jan

trg247 12-20-2007 09:11 AM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi;

This is probably going to be quick as I have a two hour seminar with the community care team early in the afternoon, which I think is about meds but I can't remember but it is mandatory to get an interview with them so off I go. I don't think I have sat anywhere for two hours in a group of people for a long time so this should be different.

Where am I? Sleep is still going the wrong way still for some reason but my body is handling it so far. Still take too many Motrin for odd muscle pains and strains but in the last couple days I have either shoveled for a couple of hours or went on a six hour walk so I guess my body can't figure out what the heck is going on. The depression level has not gone any where and the lows are still a bit too much. At the moment I have a combination of too much energy and anxiety due to todays seminar so I am hoping the meds kick in before I get there. The flashback due to yesterday's post was pretty tame and went away quick enough mind you I have had it so many times it is almost like commercial by this point ... not a very nice commercial mind you. My sister and Niece are due on Saturday and my Mom and her boyfriend are due on Sunday so my brain is trying to cope with that as it has been four years since all of us have been in the same house and my mother is worried the stress is going to push me or my sister over the edge, guess we will wait and see but I have been working around the house making sure everything is ready. The Nurse and I are in a funny position right now where I have this feeling that I am putting in most of the work that i need to figure out or she will have to go. She has a very busy schedule so I try to come up with ways where we can spend time together like we both need to finish up shopping so we should go at the same time which makes a lot of sense to me but she acts hesitant about it then either agrees to it or comes up with a reason not to. Tomorrow I suggested we spend an hour or two at the mall to wrap up the shopping as she is out of town for five or six days after words with no computer. So if she decides to come along then fine but if she doesn't chances are it will be the indicator my brain can not ignore. She keeps saying that we are on the same page and going in the right direction but when the opportunity arises she seems to shy away. She works evenings plus has a ten year old so her schedule is very busy which I understand and I am fine with but when she has a break the majority of people would use it to their advantage but she does not seem to do this. I sent an email off to her last night as our conversation was cut short due to her computer crashed which said I could have taken the easy route and found someone who had an easier schedule and easier to read but I have chosen to keep my focus on here until time dictates the path we are one. I also I have no issues that she is so busy but I do need reminders of what I am working for so having that open line of communication is essential especially when 90% of our communication is online. We are keeping the kids out of it completely until there is no doubt on where we are heading which is a great idea I think but it also lessens the opportunities that we can spend together. Anyway it came down to there is a hundred and one reasons why I like her and I don't have a problem with her busy lifestyle but I need to know I am not chasing a shadow, on paper she has already said that that we are both on the same page and same direction as I said earlier but I need her actions to start showing it, she needs to use the available time she has to somehow work me in by combining shopping plus seeing me at the same time which does not sound like a lot of fun but it sends me a clear message. Am I doing something wrong here or am I out of line? I don't want her to say I want to spend the rest of my life with me but I just need to get rid of that feeling that I am the only one putting forth the effort. Have to run

take care
trg247

Sannah 12-20-2007 12:39 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi Trg, IMO if your only worry was your dad's health while you were growing up you wouldn't be where you are today. You are a great dad so I would think that this would be your son's only concern (worry) because he is being taken care of by two loving parents.

Worry causes an increase in stress and anxiety but the healthier you are emotionally/mentally and the more support you get, this stress and anxiety is greatly reduced. Of course you know that the less healthy you are emotionally/mentally the stress/anxiety is just too much to take.

It sounds like having to swallow your anger because you were worried about your dad would be the most damaging aspect of all of it, not the worry. Your son doesn't have to swallow his feelings.

Please tell me not to talk about certain things if you want. When you write about certain subjects I get the green light that I can respond to it.

Pri Lily 12-20-2007 02:19 PM

Re: Good News - Long Wait
 
Hi Terry....

I don't know if this is a borderline trait, but I often say to people, that actions speak louder than words.

I have also found, that as a borderline, my expectations of other people are very high, and it's very hard to find the perfect balance.

In the past, people have been afraid to make arrangements with me, because they had something else, that was simmering on a burner, that could come up, and interfere with the plans with me. Of course, because I think the world revolves around me, I believe that the plans with me should come first. And I have no problem, making this perfectly clear......

Which is only right, of course;)

That being said....beware of mixed messages.

I think that Sannah makes a very good point. Your son is in a completely different situation than you were. It's not pleasant, but it is different.

I have recruited my ex-husband to come to my Aunt's house in Toronto with me on boxing day. She hasn't seen him in a long time, and hopefully will not feel the need to dredge up every breath both of my parents took.....I really don't want to lose it on her at Christmas.:)

Talk later, Terry.....

Jan


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