There is no other explanation. My life has been leeched off all positivity, and dark depression is a result. I have such amazing bad luck that people get tired of hearing me complain about my life, and they don't want to be around me anymore. My only support is my parents, and they are both in their 70's and won't be around for much longer.
I can't imagine many people having a negative life like mine. I have this amazing ability to make my fears come true especially with health problems.
For all my childhood, I was quite healthy, but I have a horrible social life. I suffered from severe social anxiety, and was bullied and rejected constantly especially from women. As for fears, if I was afraid of failing, I would do so every time. If I was afraid of getting nervous during a speech in class, my voice would shake and quiver, and it would always be just as bad as I had feared.
In my early adulthood, somehow I became a severe hypochrondriac. Part of this was due to my years as a 911 dispatcher. I saw first hand how easy it is for the human body to die and get sick. My eyes were open to a wonderous world of medical conditions that I never heard of, and new ways to experience physical pain. During this time, I had my first sexual experiences, and immediately started worrying about STDS and Aids. I met one lady from the internet who I thought really cared about me. She turned out to really be married, and severe mental problems. I had experience some oral sex with her, and once I found out the truth about her lies, I was terrified of STDS. Sure enough, my tongue developed white spots and I started getting this crusty cracking around my lips. Another fear come true. Even worse, this horrible lady stalked me in person for 6 months. All I wanted was a girlfriend, and I get a horror movie instead. What are the odds? I did get an HIV test done, and thankfully, I was clean.
In 2002, my life really took a nosedive. One of my few positive areas was that I had an amazing musical talent and ability to write new music. I had a promising music career, and I loved it. I would gladly accept my social inabilities in exchange for the musical talents. I remember reading about a condition called tinnitus and how horrible it must be for people. You hear ringing nonstop 24/7 in your ears and there is no cure. I discovered it is a result of hearing loss. I became very protective of my hearing, and stopped listening to my walkman at high volumes or for long periods of time.
Well the fear came true. In Oct of 2002, my ears suddenly started ringing, and it has never stopped since. I cried when the ear doctor told me I had hearing loss and tinnitus. I could never play electric guitar again. I discovered that I developed an even more rare problem called hyperacusis. I could no longer go to church and comfortably listen to live music or go to the movies. There was no way I could even play in a live band.
Hey, at least I could still enjoy movies at home right? Not really. Three months later, my vision started going wacky on me. I discovered that I had a painful chronic condition called recurrent corneal erosion. I can deal with pain. I can't deal with chronic pain, and despite constant visits to eye doctors, I gave in to the reality that I would jsut have to live with this problem.
I would learn to adjust, and was just about to get my life back on track when I got laid off from my job. I discovered that the IT job market was flooded, and I could not find a job. I had to move back with my parents and my depression increased. I remember Christmas of 05 with the phrase, "The triology of despair". That's how my last 3 years had been. Of course, I had no friends or social life either.
In 2005, I met a wonderful gal on the internet, and she was everything I could have wanted, even a good CHristian gal which met the approval of my parents. She did live a few states away, but she made the decision to move to Texas and be near me. At this time, I finally found a job after a year of searching. However, they had me doing wiring and hardware stuff which I didn't know. My confidence level sank. Why do I suck at so many things? I remember being so embarrass while they were watching and I could not even screw in a screw without the tool slipping. They fired me, and I became more depressed and did not want to job hunt. My girlfriend also made otherfriends and started spending less time with me.
In 2006, my girlfriend dropped the A bomb on me. She revealed that she had secretly been cheating on me, and the guy had proposed to her. She accepted. I never heard from her again after her marriage.
Thankfully, I found a great job in 2006 in another city. I had the chance to really succeed, but health problems would plague me, and ever since then, I have yet to experience a week free of physical misery. As soon as I conquered one problem, another one hit me. Take a look at this crap:
May 06 - food poisoning
Jun - Sept -06 - welcome to the world of gout, man's oldest misery
Dec - Feb - tinnitus and hyperacusis became almost intolerabe after my first plane trip
Mar 07 - Sept - Severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome, my fears of having chronic constipation came true
Sept - Dec - severe allergy hell, eyes constantly red and hurting, nothing would help me
Dec - currently dealing with a yeast infection rash in my armpit, worst place ever to get a rash!!
And now for the real kicker. One of my fears is dealing with chronic back pain. I was thinking about that yesterday during my drive to go shopping. Well I simply parked my car and got out of it. Immediately, I felt severe back pain. I am even worse today, and the signs point to a slipped disc or pinched nerve. God help me, I can't take any more of this crap.
I am going to be real honest with you. To me it sounds like all you do is focus on the negative and never the positive. And people really don't want to surround themselves with that kind of thinking. I suggest that you get a very qualified therapists that can help you with the way you see things. But you have to really try. I feel like you in alot of ways and especially from the social aspect of things. I was always a misfit and i was in constant pain, but i never showed it, no one ever knew about it until now. But my point is you can't keep doing this to yourself you have to fight against the negative thinking. If you notice that you are doing it try to think of something happy. Thats what i do. its hard but in the end it helps, even just alittle. Good luck and i really hope things change for the better for you.
I am a musician as well, and now have hyperacusis. I feel your pain about that, as well as with tinnitus. I cannot be more sorry about that, it sucks. (I am a guitarist as well, for 7 or so years now).
I don't judge you in any way. None of us have a right to, unless we know what it's like to live with chronic pain.
I'm sorry about all of your health issues. Sometimes stress can make things worse, so please take time every day to go for a walk with the sole intention of just enjoying being outside and relaxing. If your are in too much pain, take a nice bath and meditate as much as possible. Going to bed at the same time every night and waking up at the same time each morning helps, too.
The cognitive behavior therapy does work. You don't have to be able to afford therapy. Just buy the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Study carefully the chapters on different ways of thinking about problems and how to best deal with them and think differently about them.
I realize you have more health issues than most people; that is really unfair. And you have a right to mourn the loss of your music career.
I have learned, though, that you can't let mourning go on and on. After you've dealt with your feelings head-on and taken some time to rest, remember to wake up every morning and keep telling yourself, "My life is filled with many blessings," instead of that your life is cursed.
Keep up with this mantra, even if you don't believe it, and keep your eyes open for what this new way of thinking can bring.
I know you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking I don't understand how you feel, but I hope you'll try it anyway.
Life is a roller coaster. There will always be things that temporarily end the "highs," but try not to dwell on them. If you do, you'll miss out on the moments of great happiness. Know that when you're down, you'll eventually be back up again. But you really have to (force yourself if you have to) believe it, or you will stay stuck.
These have been your tough years. It's time to believe your best years are coming. Think about applying for jobs you wouldn't normally consider, just to meet new people. Join an online dating site, with the intention to just get dating practice at first. Take a class at your local community college in something you find interesting and exciting. Invite your coworkers over to your house for a dinner party. Go adopt a pet from the shelter. Etc. etc. and do it all with the thought that you're going to forget your problems and just give yourself some fun.
Keep posting and let us know how things go.
(Hug for you.)