pucca_chick

i HATE CBT. i have a support worker now for UNI, he is nice, the downside is he does CBT. i cannot quite put into words the fury that thing envokes in me, i despise it and even the letters used in the name!!!

i went today and he began trying to get me to see the positive, im all for that but cbt seems to be just about ignoring any reasons for thinking that way and just saying'no-think this instead', to me it is ignoring the actual problem and covering it up until you crash. things he is asking me to do and i want to be able to but the contradictions are too strong, theres things i cant beleive because of past, the words are empty to me and i cannot fathom how any of it could be true and it just feels useless to me. i also feel maybe hes confused or thinks he has got me but hasnt.but he is trying i suppose.

i get angry, i dont feel listened to. maybe im just being picky. i had my last session yesterday with my counsellor ive been at for about a year, she was brilliant and i really felt comfortable with her. she knew me and understood what i meant without me spelling it out.she understood and could get in my head and see things from my perspective, we talked about my feelings and then tried to work it all out and fix things. she used partcly CBT in it but it was in with a lot of other therapies. i miss her now i see someone else for even a single session. i get angry thinking'no, youre doing it wrong that is not how SHE did it with me, your not getting me!!', i get highly frustrated!!! its just i feel sometimes others are judging me, they dont get my sarcasm or me really at all. my last cunsellor got it all, she was highly sarcastic and picked up on everything, i could just be what i felt like that day with her. somedays i just sat there and nodded not caring and she was patient, never made me feel guilty and it seemed to only make her think harder, instead others think i cant be bothered,i cant its just some days i dont have the energy or focus. i felt totally comfortable with her, i could say whatever i wanted to her, she allowed me to swear at her even if it felt right and how i was feeling because she was only concerned with seeing how i felt at the core of it. in fact, i never needed to swear at her once because she was good and she did not frustarte me even if she didnt get it first time, i think its because she wasnt going to argue how i felt and say 'no you feel this way because this....' she just accepted what i said and we explored it. i will really miss her now. yesterday i didnt feel anything, i didnt feel like we were leaving, she says shell be back and she will see me then and inbetween if need be i can contact her. i was busy yesterday, now im not and im lonely. i was pretty riled up about CBT and usually id always have her to rant to and shed listen paitently, now i dont know what to do. also, she was always really really funny. youd think counselling would be all doom and gloom but she didnt make it like that, although a lot was very serious and we had work to do, she always the whole way through could put in humour and lighten things up for me. many times in counselling i laughed more and harder than i did outside counselling. its the thing that made me open up to her because she doesnt freak out easily either, also i felt totally comfortable with her and we could be sarcastic and joke even about the bad stuff with CPN's, docs and psychs etc. she really pulled me through a lot of stuff, but its one of those things you think maybe youd be ok without but when it is gone its harder than you thought. i feel a sudden urge to declare no one will come close to as good as her noe and im comparing when i know i shouldnt be, i have met otger good counsellors but shes the only one that gets im sarcastic and have dry humour despite im very depressed.

i have so much on right nw, im working 22 hrs a week, i have 4 essays and exams, my parents, christmas docs and refferals waiting. i wish she didnt have to go right now but she does and im hapy for her for why she is leaving for a while its just hard. she was good though, she gave me a funny certyificate for being the ony one of her clients to go to all the sessions :P just little things like that make me feel comfortable and that im at ease with her. i never had any worried of saying no to her about stuff or felt pressured or anything.

oh well, for now ive got my doc, shes not the same but im thankful shes trying given how its all been with her. spose i may take what i can get and be thankful after the pain in the *** i have been to her for over a year now .

has anyone else ever found this problem-they have a great cpunsellor, they leave and suddenly no one at all can amount to it again and if they try you get highly offended and defensive and feel like theyre trying to be as good so its fake because the original person didnt have to try so you trust the last person more than the new one??

xx