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Old 12-23-2007, 09:35 AM   #1
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Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi:

I have been seeing this lady for a little while now, the Nurse. The other day I realized that she was very similar to how I use to be ... closed off, guarded, always on edge, etc the thing is at the same time she can be a wonderful person so the decision what to do was not as clear cut as it should be. Last night I gave her an ultimatum which basically says she needs to keep steady with the version that I do like or else there is no point in continuing the journey as the stress from the closed off version is causing to much stress and confusion which is not healthy for me nor is it healthy for her. In order for me to get where I want to go it is essential that I surround myself with positive people which will enable me to move forward but if I am surrounded by negative people it becomes that much harder to progress. This time I need to do what is the best for me and if that means it is time for her to go then so be it, I gave her every opportunity and ensured she understood exactly where I was and what I was doing about it so I know there is no much else I could do so if it is over and she chooses not to alter her perception I can walk away with no guilt nor any baggage. I even did it in a rather nice way and not my usual way mind you I told her the normal rules applies where either you get all of me or none of me as this is the way I work as it reduces my stress level as I don't need to worry about certain people that keep popping up in my life. There is part of me that is linked to depression that was thinking that as long as someone in my life is there then everything will be better but my brain knows that the wrong person will do more harm then good.

Busy day today, need to pick up my son for a couple of hours and then my Mom, her boyfriend, my Sister and Niece are suppose to arrive early this evening so needless to say I probably won't be around much over the next few days but you never know. This site is the best stress reduction that I have in my life.

Anyway I hope everyone has a safe and healthy holiday season.

take care
trg247
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Old 12-23-2007, 01:33 PM   #2
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

I think it's a good decision to let people know how you feel and only try to keep negativity away from your life. Depression is hard enough without dealing with people that bring us down further.

Merry Christmas TRG.


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Old 12-23-2007, 03:28 PM   #3
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi Terry.....

I think that it's possible that "wishy washy" people make most borderlines nervous.

Because my childhood was spent in "flux"...one day everything would be fine...the next, all hell would break loose... I have a real problem dealing with people who can't make a definitive decision.

I'm a problem solver.....and I solve the problem quickly.....I make a decision, and stick to it. Right or wrong, good or bad, I work with the decision I've made, and don't look back.

I have an ex-boyfriend who was legally separated from his wife, when we started dating.....(they both still occupied the house, it was a "War of the Roses" scenario) and nearly two years later, it's still going on. I nearly moved to Eastern Ontario to be with this man.

There are people that like to talk about BIG change, but just don't have the......guts.....to take the first step.

The trick, (and when you don't know someone very well, it's really hard to do) is to determine whether they are as serious as they say they are, or if, when pressured (slightly) they will turn and run the other way.

We are at a huge disadvantage, because I believe that it's only fair to inform someone of my conditions at the beginning of the relationship. This sometimes is enough for them to turn and run. I have found, that if I explain the nuances properly, and don't give a textbook definition, there's a much better chance of the relationship continuing.

My ex-boyfriend (not the one above) and I are trying out a new arrangement. Unlimited talking on the phone, but only getting together maybe once a week....sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the circumstances.

This seems to be working for both of us, as we both have huge stresses in our lives right now, that we need to deal with on our own. Certain things we do really well as a team, and we play on each other's strengths for those things.

It's much easier for me to deal with our "relationship" this way.....neither one of us feels that we "have" to do anything we don't want to. We only do things we "want" to do, and don't feel bad about saying "no thanks".

So far, so good...only fun....no downside.

Take care, Terry.....

Have a great Holiday Season.....enjoy....

Jan

Last edited by Pri Lily; 12-23-2007 at 03:32 PM.

 
Old 12-24-2007, 01:08 PM   #4
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

HI;

She has not written me back so either she decided to take the other path or she has not read her emails, either one is possible with her. I was discussing with my sister about the Nurse's personality and she believes that it would be in my best interest to let her go as she is clearly sending out to many of the wrong type of signs. So if the Nurse has not checked her email which is very possible and shows up on the 26th she is still going to have to go away the choice is no longer up to her as I need to do whatever it takes to get back to a healthy place and I can not afford to let someone else's negativity stand in the way of my recovery.

I know what I want and I know what I need out of a relationship the only question is finding the person who can fulfill it which is the difficult part. I am at a stage in my life where it is important to make sure I continue in the right direction and to do so I need to screen the people who enter my life pretty carefully. I do miss all the "comfortable" parts of the relationship but I need to focus more on the person fitting in then just someone being there for companionship.

So far so good in terms of mental status with other people around the only thing is my brain is going a little to quickly and for what ever the reason my anxiety level is elevated. Every time the wrong type of conversation begins to show up I just steer it into a different direction and it is working so far. My mother is right stressed out for I think she believes my sister or I are going to snap so she has been too careful on how she behaves and communicates which is showing right through. They are gone on Thursday so hopefully she will be able to relax before then. My sleep pattern is very quickly going the wrong way which will have to be addressed next month at my doctors appointment as five hours a night is not going to cut it for very long.

Hope everyone is having a healthy and safe holiday period

take care
trg247
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Old 12-24-2007, 08:24 PM   #5
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi Terry....

My anxiety level rises, when I think about my family, let alone being with them.......

I believe that sometimes when I express my "needs", people interpret them as "demands", and think I'm being manipulative.

I don't believe that most people are as forthcoming with their needs as borderlines, who know their diagnosis, and know what will, and what won't work.

The "ex" (that I'm seeing again) and I, have become really good at expressing our needs to each other. This is a very recent development, and has only come about, after many discussions about me not being able to read his mind.....that I think differently than him (this seems so obvious, but most people don't think of it, and think that their perception is the same as everyone elses) and that something I say, may not always mean what he's thinking it means.

This is the man whose father brutalized he, and his three sisters, right up to until he died, actually.

He doesn't trust me (or anyone for that matter), and I know it. I don't take it personally, because I understand, that it's part of his make up, and I believe that no amount of therapy will ever lower that wall, completely.

I have found that the more I don't take things personally, the more he opens up to me.

I kind of set my bar lower to accomodate him. I know that sounds very unflattering for both of us, but I know what he's been through in his life, and I know that he trusts me, as much as he is capable of trusting me. And he does try.

Ramble on......I love that song

Merry Christmas, everyone......

Take care, Terry...

Jan

 
Old 12-25-2007, 08:16 AM   #6
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi Trg, people are people with feelings etc. IMO if things can be worked out without too much harm to you this is good. You know what you can take and what you can't take. I guess what I am trying to say here is I was wondering if you are looking for a blank slate person who will just respond to you like you want/need, someone who won't have her own needs and issues too? I understand when someone is harmful, however.

 
Old 12-25-2007, 08:56 AM   #7
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi:

Everyone in my life when they first appear in my life starts with a blank slate and it is up to them through their behavior and communication what it appears on it. There is my infamous risk and reward scale and it is really not hard to keep it towards the reward end but when the same negative behaviors keep showing up over and over again it can not be ignored. All of my major relationships are measured in years so I have been more then willing to deal with other people's quirks but the first little while they need to go through as I know what it takes to survive and last in my life especially now more then and ever. Sure other people have feelings and I am aware about it .... which is rather annoying by the way but when it comes down to hurting their feelings or keeping myself going in a positive direction then it needs to be more about me then them. I gave this young lady all of the chance in the world and she chose the direction she took, all I know is I was very open, pushed to make sure the communication went in a positive direction and when I finally gave her the choice part of me wished she would take the healthy route but at the same time I knew if she went the other way it was not going to effect me as I did everything possible from my end. The only thing that could change the direction that it went was her and I have no control over that, she has her own issues and difficulties that I did accept but at the same time she needed to show some effort in changing towards the more positive direction but when she didn't the choice was rather easy to decide she had to go. She knew that if she wanted to change I would have helped in any way I could but I guess the timing is wrong in her life to start that change and I am not going to wait around till she hits the wall as it is way to early on, if my exwife was in the same boat in the middle or towards the end of the relationship I would have stayed for the whole duration and would have fought for her. But someone who has been around for a couple of months and has never even shown an interest in taking the positive road is not something I am willing to undertake, the last thing I need is to have to play the social worker role in the beginning of a relationship. Mind you there is also the fact that when it comes to my stories that I only say what is on the surface. This young lady has a lot of good about her but I shouldn't have to drag it out of her every time. I know all about walls, limits, boundaries and what ever and even if I went right to work on her and gave her every single piece of right advice and direction it will mean nothing unless she is the one who realizes that she needs to make the change and actually takes command of the situation. I don't enter battles when I know I am going to lose. We had an argument and she tried to attack so I switched the game and basically did a mental evaluation on her and it was so accurate that it scared the heck out of her but she was not willing to do anything about it. How was my evaluation so accurate? For three years ago I was doing the exact same thing before I hit the wall. Like I said before I gave her the option of taking the positive route and if need be I would have been there every step of the way when she needed me but if she stays on the path she is on I can not continue as the risk factor is to high and it has taken me too long to get to the point where i am now and I can't afford to go backwards especially because of someone else's actions that I had realized and failed to act on its just asking for trouble. There is a slight chance she did not check her email before she left and maybe she will contact me tomorrow and maybe the time spent away from me will give her a new perspective and she will want to begin this journey from a healthy perspective but I doubt it. If it turns out she wants to go the right way then I will have to decide if I will give her a second chance which is something I almost never do. My rule of someone being completely in my life or not at all will probably always apply as I have to much baggage already that needs to be dealt with and I am not looking for any more. When the next one comes along she will start with a clean slate and I only see the person standing in front of me and don't really care what happened to them before I showed up because I can't or they can't change it so the first time is literally the first time and it is up to them whether to take full advantage of the new start or to get caught up in all of their issues from the past. Everyone gets a 100% clean start with me as I do with them for the most part but I don't control the direction they take but the decision they make will have an effect on my life in some form and I have to make sure that I continue to go in the right direction, i have spent too much time and effort getting out of the hole that I have lived in for a long time and I am not going to allow someone to push me back in. The goal is to be healthy and stable so I need to make sure I take the right steps so I can get there and if that means some people do not survive in my world then so be it, I let them know on the first day where I stand and where I am trying to go so it is not a surprise to them and they know a difficult decision will come down to what is best for me at least till I get to where I need to go. But if the person is willing to work to make the journey a good one then a difficult decision will never even have to be addressed as the proper communication will stop the issue in its infancy. Heck I am rambling

take care
trg247
merry christmas
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Old 12-25-2007, 09:38 AM   #8
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

So I guess the deciding thing here was her attack on you. Now I understand. Merry Christmas to you too.

Last edited by Sannah; 12-25-2007 at 09:38 AM.

 
Old 12-25-2007, 10:01 AM   #9
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi:

The way she attacked gave me a clear view into her personality as she seem to be reaching for whatever would cause the most damage even though none of it made sense or could even be proven for that matter. Stupid garbage like I can't cook even though she knows I am on a very picky diet and have long months of Chef training, I am lazy as every time she comes on late at night I always seem to be one even though I have a cable connection and my computer never is shut down plus it is in the same room with my TV. Just a bunch of middle school garbage so she tried to push my back against the wall so I switched it back on her and I don't play nice when I am in this position so I went after her mental quirks then backed them right up. I am the wrong person to attack especially when there is no reason or logic behind it as I do what I do best and that is to keep myself safe. I thought about it after it was over and realized that if I wanted to mentally destroy her I could have but for whatever the reason I didn't so I must be getting nicer in my old age or I have finally realized that I don't need to destroy the person to get my self heard. So I guess that is progress in some form.

take care
trg247
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Old 12-25-2007, 10:05 AM   #10
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

This is good progress that you are talking about Trg. I didn't understand before that she attacked you. Yeah, you don't need that.

 
Old 12-27-2007, 09:14 PM   #11
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247 View Post
Hi:

The way she attacked gave me a clear view into her personality as she seem to be reaching for whatever would cause the most damage even though none of it made sense or could even be proven for that matter. Stupid garbage like I can't cook even though she knows I am on a very picky diet and have long months of Chef training, I am lazy as every time she comes on late at night I always seem to be one even though I have a cable connection and my computer never is shut down plus it is in the same room with my TV. Just a bunch of middle school garbage so she tried to push my back against the wall so I switched it back on her and I don't play nice when I am in this position so I went after her mental quirks then backed them right up. I am the wrong person to attack especially when there is no reason or logic behind it as I do what I do best and that is to keep myself safe.
Huh........?

I'm gonna ask why she felt the need to attack you....usual rules....don't answer if you don't want to.....I'm just really curious.....and nosy


Quote:
I thought about it after it was over and realized that if I wanted to mentally destroy her I could have but for whatever the reason I didn't so I must be getting nicer in my old age or I have finally realized that I don't need to destroy the person to get my self heard. So I guess that is progress in some form.
It's definitely progress.....it's more fun to be "heard"...you can get your "message" across, without looking like a bully.......I won't say any more, I have to behave myself.

It's a couple of days later.....did you hear from her?

Was your Christmas good?

Take care, Terry.....

Jan

 
Old 12-27-2007, 11:14 PM   #12
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi;

"I'm gonna ask why she felt the need to attack you....usual rules....don't answer if you don't want to.....I'm just really curious.....and nosy"

- I am really not sure, she was having a bad day and explaining a situation at work so I gave my take and she snapped

"It's definitely progress.....it's more fun to be "heard"...you can get your "message" across, without looking like a bully.......I won't say any more, I have to behave myself"

- I don't think I come across as a bully. My memory is very good so I can bring up example after example to prove my point, people tend to feel rather stupid after dealing with as I can bring confrontation to a whole new level they have never seen before. No emotion just pure logic. With my doctor its almost funny because he tries to use "the doctor speaks over the head of the patient to cause confusion" approach with me until I send it right back at him and he remembers who I am.

"It's a couple of days later.....did you hear from her?'

- I actually went out with her tonight. She realizes where I am coming from but she said right now she needs to get her life straightened out before committing to me. She does understand that I will not wait forever but part of me thinks this is not what she believes as I told her later that I was surprised that she showed up as I had figured she would not come back so I had begun the process of distancing myself and was going through the mental process of writing her off. This got a strange reaction from her and I think she really understands I am more then capable of just walking away and disappearing. Will see how she reacts over the next few days. I am going to back off and let her determine how much she is willing to work for it, this is not an exactly an adult way to conduct a relationship with a potential interest but it will work as I will know exactly where she stands and if I think it is in the wrong place I am already half way out the door and will just finish leaving.

"Was your Christmas good?'

- Overall it was pretty good I guess. Difficulty controlling my anxiety levels at times so I snapped at people a couple of times. Barely slept at all I think I averaged under five hours a night for some reason. Didn't have problems falling asleep but staying asleep was the problem. Considering this is the first time my sister and I have been under the same roof in over three years it went pretty well. I had to turn therapist a couple of times but that is okay ..... she does not listen to anyone else so hopefully something I said sunk in and she will take the right steps this time. We went for an hour or so drive out of town to visit my relatives which I should have stayed home but my grandmother is not that young plus she called me constantly while I was in the hospital so I felt that I had to go see her and the others. Walked through the front door and the very first thing to run through my head was "this was a bad idea" I got through it without yelling at anyone so thats good plus my son enjoyed seeing the farm animals up close. Everyone went home this morning so I have the house to myself again and hopefully i will be able to sleep at least eight hours tonight.

How did your holidays go?

take care
trg247
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Old 12-28-2007, 08:24 PM   #13
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi Terry.....

This is the proper board for me to be on tonight.....it's been a bad day.

First things first.....Christmas was good. I had the best turkey I've ever eaten. It was fresh, and cooked in bacon grease (we couldn't find the Crisco) and basted numerous times. It was really tender and juicy.

Then the nightmare started......or continued.....I dunno......

Last Friday the people at Mental Health, and I were told that I had been approved for an apartment. (not the one I really wanted)......A lease would be drawn up, and they would call me to come and sign it.

Didn't hear anything on Monday.....Tues and Wed were holidays....so I got back on it yesterday. Nothing.

After numerous phone calls to the Management company, I was getting nowhere, so I phoned the Superintendent. She told me that I had been turned down for the apartment. Whaaattttt.....I have movers booked for Jan 2. Nope, you didn't get it.

I called Mental Health.....Housing Boss says whaaatttt...everything was set on Friday. She said somethings up...this was a done deal.....I wanna know what's going on.

She calls their lawyer....apparently there was a miscommunication about my credit rating (which sucks....mania, with manic spending, combined with being cut off long term disability with no notice....which has resulted in a lawsuit against LTD provider)....Mental Health will be paying my rent to the Management Co......the rent comes right off my ODSP and goes to Mental Health. I don't even see it.

The apartment that I applied for is gone....I am taking another apt. that won't be vacant 'til Jan 1.

I just want outta where I am.

So, it's been a very tense day.

Community Mental Health, where I am, will work their butts off to help, as long as they can see that I'm doing my part to get well. They have been a huge help.

I don't want any more surprises.......

How are you doing.....any updates?

Talk later, Terry..

Jan

 
Old 12-29-2007, 01:15 AM   #14
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi:

Wow that is quite a situation, hopefully everything turns out alright.

Things are alright around here I guess. I slept for seven hours last night so that is a little bit better. I should be in bed now but I have been working on switching over computers so I wanted to get it done.

The Nurse was pretty quiet tonight for the most part as she had to work and her sleep schedule is off. She asked a weird question at the end "are we going to talk again soon?" so I guess she has realized that if she is going to play this waiting game with me there has been a change in who has control. anyway we will wait and see. She knows I have an add up on a dating site, that is how we initially met and she asked if I was going to remove it and the answer was basically I needed a good reason to do so, I think she got the point.

Nardil is useless and has not done anything what so ever since the switch a month ago. Seroquel is still effective but the time it is effective is definitely getting shorter and shorter. I have an appointment the second week of January so I will get it addressed then. I am continuing to lose weight but not as fast as before but the total is close to seventy pounds in the last seven to eight months. I started a home exercise program and if I can stick with it for a month then I am going to explore the various gyms around the city. The thing right now is I am still getting leg cramps for no reason so that is hindering progress. Tomorrow I need to go grocery shopping and to get my house cleaned up so that should suck

Anyway it is after 4 so I should go to bed.

take care
trg247
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Old 12-29-2007, 09:37 PM   #15
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Re: Making Decisions That Will Effect Your Recovery

Hi Terry.....

I had a long response written out.....a cat stepped on the keyboard, and it disappeared.

I really hate dating someone new. The only up side is that you can make the programming different than your old relationships.

Sounds like the Nurse is getting the message.

I told you that I'm dating my ex-boyfriend again.....I have made enormous changes to my thinking in the past year. He has noticed most of them, but sometimes, something will happen, and he will assume that my motivation is the same as it used to be (manipulation, laying guilt), when it isn't. I take full responsibility for my decisions, and actions, now.


I think that those leg cramps are making Nardil, not the drug of choice for you. The tone of your posts has changed so much, I'm gonna ask if you think you could do a drug switch at home, and remain safe? You don't sound happy, but you're talking about house cleaning, grocery shopping, and exercise programs. Not exactly what you were talking about a few weeks ago.

Take care, Terry....later

Jan

 
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