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Old 01-11-2008, 05:13 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 647
pucca_chick HB User
just ran into the ground

here i am again in a crisis but this time i feel numb, its all going on around me, to me this just highlighs that my depression cannot entirley be situational, there are other times when id be exploding right now but few weeks ago just went into the numb stage again. im just existing and drifting through the day, i ppear normal to my freinds and family as always, im going to work even though i hate it but i find it hard to even feel anything for it at all anymore-im just there. here is no patten t wha i do, i stay up late or i fall asleep whenever, i eat crap really and i wash only when i think im unbearable to look at or sit beside but i dont even notice anymore. i am lo about how i look but dont feel i could even care sometimes anymore. i have tried caring and sorting myself out but its so much effort and i feel no better.

this week has been all about make or break with university. iits costing my parents 3 grand a year and they dont know im failing. ive puhed it so so long through all my exams in te past almost 6 years ive been lving like this and ive alwasy felt from the beginning of term, even the end of last year that this would be the year i fizzle out, can just feel it draining out of e, i really am dry of all motivation, strength and focus, but i still ant to do well i just cant. im on my 4th and last extension. ive had so many meetings with several different heads of schools, convenors and advisors of studies, disability srvice, occupational health, Uni counsellors and all sorts and my support worker for UNI, but its not working, ive burnt out.

i thought i had until the end of the month to get the 3 essays in, it was going to be a push even at that and the doc said he didnt think i could in my state. so we decided id go back in 2 weeks and decide if i need a letter for my extensions if i can et them in or he would write a letter for my temporary leave. i cant belive it come to this, ive worked for years to get this far and in two weeks it might all be over, for now at east but in truth i just dont know. then today i had to see yet another head of subject, turns out e can only grant me ad extension until tuesday for 2 essays. these essays i have to have red two books and undestand them, ive read neither, theyre in old english and i cant understan them, i cant plan ad i cant begin, i cant focus or understad and i cant write. im wrking tomorrow ad on sunday ive to see my parents as i havent since christmas. that gives me 3 day really. i didnt know it wa going to happen and it thown me entirley, i pretty much know i cant do it, its not like bfore were it wa just a matter of reading a sall bit and copyin and then waffling around it all, i simply dont know were to start ad i dont have enough time. i hav given p and half accepted im stuffed and will need temporary leave, that is why im sitting typing this. im also writing a letter to my doc instead of doing the essay, i just cant sit anymore. i think its just i know what will happen its overwhelmin and i almost feel no pont in torturing myself any further so i decided to jst sit and finally losen my grip on academic stuff and sit and focus on me.

i spoke to my counsellor who feels maybe time out may be a beter idea. by the day im getting more ad more brain fog i cant remember simple tasks and all these people and all the things theyre saying i cant remember and am getting confused, its getting to the stae i cant remember enough to be able to hold up my par of the bargan anymor and do what they ask, get in contact with people ad stuff. for now im just at here, but i know even if i do get these essays in, that is not it fixed, i have exams in 3 months, mor essays and i dont et a summer break this year because of deferred exams. its a constant battle and with my mood how it is i dont think by next month, even next week i can handle it. my mood is so unpredictable i simply cannot plan for anything anymore. every new proble is a fresh battle and its impossible to do anything properly now, i have s much going on i never really get time to sit and just focus.

i have asessments coming up that i need to be ready for last time i was so stressed and i was kinda all over e show not really preparing, this time i hope il have the time ad a bit more clarity.

problm is-my parent do not know a thing. they can be very pushy, im oing to be in big trouble. my counselor was thinking i could tell them im off just to save a bit of cash first. but i know them and hey wot buy it, its so ou f character for me and even if they did buy i theyd be furious thinking it was a stupid idea and then wonder why i didnt ask them.

for the first time im having to plan how to explain all this to them. but it hard, im so closed off now and im used to dealing on my own. i have a few ideas. basically i wont be actually off the UN list until after january. next week im seeing my doc about my assessment, its very very late coming through and there have been countless ucks ups gettng it, i don have a date yet bt i need one son. my plan is to go to it and see what they ay, because right now i have nothing to explain to my parents with. if i could just have a explanation i culd make it sound better. i do not plan to tell them abut the sexual molestation, that is for me and its personal. i was thinking when the time cmes i could take my mum out for coffee or something and just tell her before hand i need to talk t her, warn her i not dying but that its a big change, not the end of the world but that things are going to have to go differenty and not as id planned. ill just say that iv had to get a temporary leave out of UNI, that i was struggling and i just burnt out and that my doctor and the UNI people have advised that its best because it prevets me from failing altogether so she wont lose her cash and its not wasted. if she asks why i may have to slip the word depression in, ill explain more the phyical things like i cant keep awake, im sore and aching a lot and most of all i simply cannot think, its actually like my brain has rotted away because ive forgotten even how to use some words and what they are and mean. ill try and reassure her i tried my best but that there is no possible way i couldve done any better. and ill tel her ive ben sensible(ok i havent been great but it has to sound etter than it is for her to stay conscious), ill tell her i took myself to a doc, and have been working with ots of diff people and trying my best and that things have not always been easy but im sorry i tried my best.

the il tel her its not the ned of the word right now(even though im terrified and feel it is) and tel her my plan. my plan will be to get out of the job i hate and work more hours to pay for y house, ad then do voulenteer work also go to my group therapy i hopefuly get and focus on getting better. i may also require a disability benefit depending on how things go. bu the first thing i have to make her realise is that she cant be angry and she cant smother me, they need to give me space, i need to sort this in my own time and i will tell them things when im ready, i wont be accpeting cash for rent and i need to not be nagged about what my doc says and all te other people, or constantly asked how im feeling. it is going to be so difficult. all i can say is he will have to be the one to break it t y dad-because i may have to go on the run when he finds out(sarcasm).

this isnt in the slightest what theyre expecting, but to me i have tried my best, its ben 6 very long years and im finally beginning to just ot care anymore and stop and say'i dont care what you think i need a break so back off im doing it with or without your support'. its a big decision and will require a lot of planning, i need to have organised what is wrong with me, what my plans are, find another job and then break it to them as well as organisin my finances. for this to go smoothly they need to think i know what im doing and see that i can organise my own help and have the help of financial advisors, it will be difficult because they cant take over at times but. but im almost 20 and its my life, i have more experience in dealing with my health and mental health than any of them and i know that a lot of what they say they will not understand, i can see them being frustarted at what ive done and the choices ive made and how long everything is taking but its my choice.

they cant know about harming either.

what do you think?? anyone had to break this to their parents before or a family member?? do you think this is the right thing?? sannah-i bet your dancing on top of your seat now im finally considering this :P

please help xx

 
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Old 01-11-2008, 05:28 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 647
pucca_chick HB User
Unhappy just run aground

here i am again in a crisis but this time i feel numb, its all going on around me, to me this just highlighs that my depression cannot entirley be situational, there are other times when id be exploding right now but few weeks ago just went into the numb stage again. im just existing and drifting through the day, i ppear normal to my freinds and family as always, im going to work even though i hate it but i find it hard to even feel anything for it at all anymore-im just there. here is no patten t wha i do, i stay up late or i fall asleep whenever, i eat crap really and i wash only when i think im unbearable to look at or sit beside but i dont even notice anymore. i am lo about how i look but dont feel i could even care sometimes anymore. i have tried caring and sorting myself out but its so much effort and i feel no better.

this week has been all about make or break with university. iits costing my parents 3 grand a year and they dont know im failing. ive puhed it so so long through all my exams in te past almost 6 years ive been lving like this and ive alwasy felt from the beginning of term, even the end of last year that this would be the year i fizzle out, can just feel it draining out of e, i really am dry of all motivation, strength and focus, but i still ant to do well i just cant. im on my 4th and last extension. ive had so many meetings with several different heads of schools, convenors and advisors of studies, disability srvice, occupational health, Uni counsellors and all sorts and my support worker for UNI, but its not working, ive burnt out.

i thought i had until the end of the month to get the 3 essays in, it was going to be a push even at that and the doc said he didnt think i could in my state. so we decided id go back in 2 weeks and decide if i need a letter for my extensions if i can et them in or he would write a letter for my temporary leave. i cant belive it come to this, ive worked for years to get this far and in two weeks it might all be over, for now at east but in truth i just dont know. then today i had to see yet another head of subject, turns out e can only grant me ad extension until tuesday for 2 essays. these essays i have to have red two books and undestand them, ive read neither, theyre in old english and i cant understan them, i cant plan ad i cant begin, i cant focus or understad and i cant write. im wrking tomorrow ad on sunday ive to see my parents as i havent since christmas. that gives me 3 day really. i didnt know it wa going to happen and it thown me entirley, i pretty much know i cant do it, its not like bfore were it wa just a matter of reading a sall bit and copyin and then waffling around it all, i simply dont know were to start ad i dont have enough time. i hav given p and half accepted im stuffed and will need temporary leave, that is why im sitting typing this. im also writing a letter to my doc instead of doing the essay, i just cant sit anymore. i think its just i know what will happen its overwhelmin and i almost feel no pont in torturing myself any further so i decided to jst sit and finally losen my grip on academic stuff and sit and focus on me.

i spoke to my counsellor who feels maybe time out may be a beter idea. by the day im getting more ad more brain fog i cant remember simple tasks and all these people and all the things theyre saying i cant remember and am getting confused, its getting to the stae i cant remember enough to be able to hold up my par of the bargan anymor and do what they ask, get in contact with people ad stuff. for now im just at here, but i know even if i do get these essays in, that is not it fixed, i have exams in 3 months, mor essays and i dont et a summer break this year because of deferred exams. its a constant battle and with my mood how it is i dont think by next month, even next week i can handle it. my mood is so unpredictable i simply cannot plan for anything anymore. every new proble is a fresh battle and its impossible to do anything properly now, i have s much going on i never really get time to sit and just focus.

i have asessments coming up that i need to be ready for last time i was so stressed and i was kinda all over e show not really preparing, this time i hope il have the time ad a bit more clarity.

problm is-my parent do not know a thing. they can be very pushy, im oing to be in big trouble. my counselor was thinking i could tell them im off just to save a bit of cash first. but i know them and hey wot buy it, its so ou f character for me and even if they did buy i theyd be furious thinking it was a stupid idea and then wonder why i didnt ask them.

for the first time im having to plan how to explain all this to them. but it hard, im so closed off now and im used to dealing on my own. i have a few ideas. basically i wont be actually off the UN list until after january. next week im seeing my doc about my assessment, its very very late coming through and there have been countless ucks ups gettng it, i don have a date yet bt i need one son. my plan is to go to it and see what they ay, because right now i have nothing to explain to my parents with. if i could just have a explanation i culd make it sound better. i do not plan to tell them abut the sexual molestation, that is for me and its personal. i was thinking when the time cmes i could take my mum out for coffee or something and just tell her before hand i need to talk t her, warn her i not dying but that its a big change, not the end of the world but that things are going to have to go differenty and not as id planned. ill just say that iv had to get a temporary leave out of UNI, that i was struggling and i just burnt out and that my doctor and the UNI people have advised that its best because it prevets me from failing altogether so she wont lose her cash and its not wasted. if she asks why i may have to slip the word depression in, ill explain more the phyical things like i cant keep awake, im sore and aching a lot and most of all i simply cannot think, its actually like my brain has rotted away because ive forgotten even how to use some words and what they are and mean. ill try and reassure her i tried my best but that there is no possible way i couldve done any better. and ill tel her ive ben sensible(ok i havent been great but it has to sound etter than it is for her to stay conscious), ill tell her i took myself to a doc, and have been working with ots of diff people and trying my best and that things have not always been easy but im sorry i tried my best.

the il tel her its not the ned of the word right now(even though im terrified and feel it is) and tel her my plan. my plan will be to get out of the job i hate and work more hours to pay for y house, ad then do voulenteer work also go to my group therapy i hopefuly get and focus on getting better. i may also require a disability benefit depending on how things go. bu the first thing i have to make her realise is that she cant be angry and she cant smother me, they need to give me space, i need to sort this in my own time and i will tell them things when im ready, i wont be accpeting cash for rent and i need to not be nagged about what my doc says and all te other people, or constantly asked how im feeling. it is going to be so difficult. all i can say is he will have to be the one to break it t y dad-because i may have to go on the run when he finds out(sarcasm).

this isnt in the slightest what theyre expecting, but to me i have tried my best, its ben 6 very long years and im finally beginning to just ot care anymore and stop and say'i dont care what you think i need a break so back off im doing it with or without your support'. its a big decision and will require a lot of planning, i need to have organised what is wrong with me, what my plans are, find another job and then break it to them as well as organisin my finances. for this to go smoothly they need to think i know what im doing and see that i can organise my own help and have the help of financial advisors, it will be difficult because they cant take over at times but. but im almost 20 and its my life, i have more experience in dealing with my health and mental health than any of them and i know that a lot of what they say they will not understand, i can see them being frustarted at what ive done and the choices ive made and how long everything is taking but its my choice.

they cant know about harming either.

what do you think?? anyone had to break this to their parents before or a family member?? do you think this is the right thing?? sannah-i bet your dancing on top of your seat now im finally considering this :P

please help xx
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Old 01-12-2008, 03:56 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: York, UK
Posts: 134
martavee HB User
Re: just ran into the ground

Hi Pucca. You sound a lot like me - I was very closed off and used to dealing with my problems on my own. My parents didn't know about the problems I'd had for nearly ten years - misdiagnosis of stuff ranging from general anxiety disorder, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, panic attack disorder. FOr some reason I always thought that my problems were a sign that I was a weak person. I've finally realized that's not the truth - that being able to cope for so long without proper help actually makes me a strong person. It has been a big relief to have finally been diagnosed properly. It's like I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last year around this time I had to take intermittent leave from school which I just resumed this past week. I was terrified of sharing my problems with my parents too. After all they are footing the bill for me to attend post-grad law school in another country. I was most terrified of my father but was pleasantly suprised at the support I received from my family. I think at the end of the day they realize that I am the hardest on myself. After doing some research on bipolar disorder they became very understanding and glad that I took some time off to try to sort things out.

I know you said you didn't want to share everything with your parents but maybe the more you tell them the more they'll understand? It's exhausting trying to stay together when you've had problems/been deteriorating for so long. What medication are you on? I just started Seroquel a little under a year ago and started Lamictal two weeks ago. I'm really hoping that the Lamictal will reign in my mind so I can be successfull at school again

Keep us updated .... I think you're doing the right thing to sort yourself out before you go back to school. You need your mind to be functioning at least a little bit, you know?

 
Old 01-12-2008, 08:22 AM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: just run aground

Yes Pucca, I thought this whole post was very sensible and it will lift such a burden from you. Keep us updated okay?

 
Old 01-12-2008, 11:09 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Statesboro,georgia United States
Posts: 35
randy71 HB User
Thumbs up Re: just run aground

My heart goes out to you. I don't want to respond with some dumb old sayings. It sounds like you need time to sort things out. Primary concern should be for your well being and health. Matters not how much has been spent. All this weight and pressure you feel needs to be removed. You need time to collect yourself. Your future is not over. You're dealing with present problems that can all be taken care of with love and compassion. Your future is still out there and as bright as you want it to be. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 11:41 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 647
pucca_chick HB User
Re: just ran into the ground

hey thanks for replyig. its good to hear from someone who is in the same position as me pretty much only a year ahead maybe.

see im just concerned-most of the time noone has noticed my moods, i was just the sulky difficult teen who could snap easily, change from one minute to th next and yes i can be unpredictictable and i am ashamed of my temper with my parents, i know how fast i can fly off and when i start i can bring the house down.

as for my freinds they dont know, i have a few ive told of my problems in breif but they dont ncotice and i make sure of it, im down a lot and days are empty, i dont fel much but i can laugh(its empty though) and get on as normal, the only theing they notice is i dont go to clubs much, i go for long long walks away from people and i fail a lot of scool because i cant focus, they know in the lectures im the one sat bouncing in my seat and playing with pencil cases and such or drawing. im not angry with them though for some reason, i get angry at strangers more. if i find myself annoyed at my freinds ive learnt now to push it inwards, everything now is so directed inwards that i always seem fine but kno one actually know whats going through my head.

as for meds. i was on prozac in 2006, the first 2 weeks i went nuts. was anxious, not sleepig and i have these stupid sort of compulsive habits that flare up and the pills made it happened, i went suicidal and then after a few weeks it all stopped, i felt my usual depressed self again without such intense anxiety. then was on anti anxity meds a few times, when i went on them as in taking one everyday i began feeling sick and sore, it was a bad week as i bean to go intoagitataed mode, i took weed thinkig itd slow me down , for the day it did and then after that i wnt off the rails big time and ended up going down but very agitated at the same time, i almost ran out infront of a car and ended up in an emergency appointment. yet i went home that day having had one of the worst in my life, it was nothing short of horrific what id been feeling all day-i was utterly exhaustd by the end of it(that speechless feeling when youve had a day like a fairground ride and you go home and are expected to be normal), the state i was in and the fact id trapced about outside all day in the ******* rain and was soaked right through. i came home and still felt it inside, but on the outside i tried my best to curb it. i ended up having a fight with my parents and i was horibly short with my brother, then i went to work and was al over the place focus wise, i felt trapped and like my skin was crawling to just run out. it took a week and a half for me to return to normal crap mood were i could push through it. it wasnt very nice at all.

rigt now im not on any meds and i have no counsellor, she had to leave and i have no back up but im waiting an assessment again. its hard t explain to peope what it feels like because it is not black and white, i dont run in a pattern and it seems to be what they always look for to figure out my conitive thinking style.

last time they told me i had no mental illness, i freaked out at my doc and that was a long hard lesson(more than she knows it was!). i spent 2 weeks not sleepng and went 4 days of not eating, i heaved and almost vomited several times, i didnt wash for a good week and i spent most of it in bed crying and pulling my hair and then i burnt myself to 2nd degree burns. i tried to do my exams which was awful but i did it, i also ended up going out and getting obscenly drunk, i walked off from my freind and got stuck in a toilet vomiting and then lost the ability to lift my arms and legs for a while, the fire bell went and i just sat there(it was false in the end). i did a lot of bad stuff then too that made it worse i think. point is, i know what they tell me is partlly true, that the way i think influences my mood, but a lot of the time it doesnt. i run on two tracks-the daily mood swings i have and then the big ones were i shift every few months maybe less and i can see no way i caused it-you know when you just know you didnt, nothing around me had changed to impact it and i just feel it, its a different type of mood swng just. but how do you explain that.

my doc let me back to se he though and on several occasions was going to give me pills but wont now, she has sent me for another assessment with a better hospital.

is just i want to get better and i push it so hard but its been so long, i want it so much i feel it should have worked or at least but a dent in it. but a year and half of help on, several diff counsellors and a list of psych people ive seen and im nowhere. i cant stop that one thought of 'but i did get better before without trying' that makes me think maybe im not as in control as id like to be or as much as they all think i am.

id just like to know onc and for all. i just want an answer to understand and to know what the problem is, right now i have nothing and no treatent but im still sinking here. im afraid of an anwser at the same time, i think id be upset and angry but in the long run i know that whatever the problem is it cant go away until i know how to deal with it and understand, whether bipolar or not , whatever the answer is im ot fussed on names i just want a treatment plan that is applicable to what im dealing with-thats why im here talking to people who have the biggest mood swings to se if they can help.

what do you think?? how did you hide your ood swings from everyone??

xx

 
Old 01-12-2008, 12:38 PM   #7
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Pottstown, PA
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npoinsett HB User
Re: just run aground

I came to this web site to see if anyone explains how they feel as my just 18 year old daughter feels and when I read your posting, I could understand and feel what you write. Firstly, I am sorry to hear what you are experiencing and going through. Do you have an actual diagnosis? Are you on any medications? My daughter has been in bad condition since the beginning of November. Always an honor roll student, bright, happy, great sense of humor, a wonderful girl, she started to complain she didn't feel like herself. Focus, words, thinking, thoughts, memory, everything started to give her difficulties. She is now in the hospital for the 2nd time, a psychiatric unit where she has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, single episode with psychosis. She is on Wellbutrin and Seroquel. We are waiting day by day to see if any change comes about. In the meantime, she has not been to school since Thanksgiving, can not do her schoolwork, does not even function as she use to. She says she wants to do everything like she use to but just can't...it's not there. She is distressed immensely, cries often, and only wishes she could have her old self back. She doesn't get hungry or thirsty, needs prompting for that and even the simplest tasks do not click. She has had every blood test under the sun, a cat scan, an mri, on and on, and everything comes back negative, thank goodness, however, in the meantime, she can not function. The heartache I feel as her mother and the feeling of helplessness grows day by day. The fog you mention, the inability to do not because you don't want to but just can't, this is my daughter as well. It is almost difficult to put into words. She was just accepted to college for nursing in November, everything set for finishing her senior year, no other issues ever and boom, out of nowhere these symptons and issues came about. She brushes her teeth or bathes out of a command or prompt, but if left in a room by herself, she doesn't know what to do, she literally is blank. It is frightening and scary for her and for myself, her father, friends, family members, on and on I could go. I would like to talk with you further to see if what I write makes sense and is similar to how you feel. Though I know sometimes, as my daughter says, she doesn't even know. There isn't happiness or true sadness, even walking around, she feels like she really just isn't in her own body. This is so hard to fathom and understand, but I so try. I will pray for you and hope you are getting the care you need. As I've never experienced this before with anyone or have seen anyone in this condition, maybe talking together we can better understand just what is happening. I will keep you close in prayers daily... Take care. Thank you for reading and listening.

 
Old 01-12-2008, 03:47 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,916
seaturtle HB User
Re: just ran into the ground

Hi.

Whew, you're in need of meds pronto, it sounds like. You know, if you told your doctors everything you've been through and done, just as you have here, I am sure they would realize that you have some severe problems, self-destructive difficulties, and incredible mood swings. But you need to be honest, and NOT put on that everythings-okay-face when you are with a doctor.

It is all right to demand help, and what you've described qualifies as emergency stuff to me.

I can't believe you're not on meds. They would help so much, and I myself have found it impossible to function and keep most of the symptoms at bay without them.

Anything you can do to get in to see someone or get to that better hospital fast, I would urge you to do.

Meanwhile, we are here for support, and I wish there were more I could do.
If it's any comfort at all, you are not alone, and you can learn to cope and with meds and therapy, feel a great deal better.

Wishing you well and hoping you continue to post for support,

Seaturtle

 
Old 01-13-2008, 06:39 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 647
pucca_chick HB User
Re: just run aground

hi. im sorry to hear about your daughter, it must be extremley dfficlt to go from fine to such turmoil, it is true that although in ways you are glad those tests have come back negative it puts you between 4 walls because then your left with 'ho do we fix this if we cannot find a cause??',it seems ndless and like your trying to grasp for a solution but it just seems nothin brings you to life again. however, i try to remember that these episodes are harsh bt although you cannot see the illness, it is an illness and one that eds eventually or at least has intermitancy were you can recharge your batteries for a while and learn how to handle it better if there happens to be a next time.

i can identify with your dauhter in how she was all set to do well and go far with no retsraints and then bang everything just drops to the ground and it becomes impossible. counless times ive been either able to manage and crawl along or else in the beginning i was doing well, i was just ant normal teenager(i did have sexual abuse issues but i was still young enough to not understand much) and then suddenly it all just went. thankfully i have not been so unfortunate and never been to hosoital although it has been suggested several times.

it mut be scary to watch this and feel powerles,but belive me she is lucky to have such an understanding family and it helps immesnley even though you feel powerless, it may not cure her but your understanding and support will give her a lot of strength she wouldnt otherwise have ad you can help maybe to speed her recovery, it just takes patience.

although i do eat and drink and am lucky am thankful i have what ability i do have for tasks, i can understand what it must feel like for your daughter. there are many days i go a week without washing and i only do it ecause others are starting to stare and think im dsgusting, but even when i wash it hurst because it feel like a huge task that im being forced to do for others,, if it was just me id sit all day and stare, smoke and sleep. brushing my teeth is a big one, im not good at doing the littl things that actually count towards your health. it is hard because you lose al reason to do things and for me to keep goig i have to reley on what others expect of me otherwise id do nothing.

what you said about your daghter feelig like shes not in her own body i can really relateto some people might call it dissosiation(but im not a doc), were you dont feel connected to anything, your there in body but you cant feel anything, i feel down somedays but at the same time i feel detatched, i cant cry, i laugh with others but its empty and i cant remember it, i dont have any feelings for it its just like a bodly motor movement somtimes and thats all. other times i can actually laugh, its still meaningless against it all but i feel a slight stirring feeling and thats it.in work i dont have any xpression, i walk abou, someone says a jke and i dont react often, if i do its made up and they can tell it isnt natural, often it doesnt even make sense. some people get dissosiation to the degree they actually feel out of their body, the cannot remember days sometimes weeks ad feel like they are looking down from above or outside themselves, they also can lose feeling in their limbs breifly throughout the day. on occasion i have been walking alog and felt like somthing detatchs, its hard to explain, i have often felt i cant feel were my legs are and wonder what is walking for me, it feels more like im floating beside myself. other times ive been sat and everything starts to go fnny, things sound funny and i cant follow, it lik all dreamy.

my dignosis is complicated first i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.was on pills, the didnt work, ive been for 3 assessments, my doc wasnt pleased with a few, they said i was emotionally disturbed(its a crap cocnluson baically meaning they dont know-emotionally disturbed can mean anything under the sun). then my doc swings from being ok to being depressed, knows im anxious, several have said i disossiate and then one asked if i had a personaility disorder. im due for another assessment now soon.

id be happy to talk with you more about your daughter and see if i relate, i would like to try and suport you as much as i can and hope it could help you with your daughter. in her tretament plan what is involved-meds and therapy or just one?

it is good that you are close with your daughter and she talks to you if even only a litle. sometimes the owrds just arent there, the feelings are so deep that you just cant describe it but it does not mean she doesnt want your help.

any questions ask away

 
Old 01-13-2008, 12:42 PM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: York, UK
Posts: 134
martavee HB User
Re: just ran into the ground

Wow Pucca - your new post made me so sad. I want to let you know that you've been let down by your doctors for not recognizing what is going on with you at the moment. This sadly is common with people that are bipolar - a lot of so called health care practioners are not educated in regards to bipolar disorder. For example over in the UK I could not be classified as bipolar because I have not tried to kill myself. After going home to the US I was diagnosed properly and the pdoc was quite shocked at how behind in the times the UK is in regards to this mental illness. For one thing the docs in the UK do not believe that SSRI medications (such as your prozac) cause manic/mixed episodes in those that are bipolar. In the US it is recognized that SSRIs do cause a manic/mixed state in people that are bipolar. A year ago I was forced to take a few different SSRI medications by the UK health system despite the horrible reaction for a few months. Ugh, whatever. I've trailed off a bit - I just wanted to get across to you that you have been let down by those that should help you and that it isn't your fault.

You need to gain access to someone that is knowledgeable in regards to bipolar disorder. Where do you live may I ask? I think the best bet would be for you to find a psychiatrist that perhaps specializes with BP. Speaking from personal experience I can say that when I was in UNI the doctors & psychologists were **** and misdiagnosed me. If you are bipolar you need proper medication to get your life back to normal (well at least as normal as we can hope to be).

 
Old 01-14-2008, 01:11 PM   #11
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Pottstown, PA
Posts: 2
npoinsett HB User
Re: just run aground

I so greatly appreciate your reply to me. As I write this to you, I pray you are having a good day. I have such a new outlook on illnesses, particular, mental illnesses and the harshness it brings to one's life and world. I would like to share with you that a nurse caring for my daughter for the past 10 days, has taken a strong interest in her and presented me with what she thought was wrong. DEPERSONILZATION DISORDER. She gave me a printed definition from a medical journal and asked me to read it when I went home. I couldn't believe what I read and it made me further research just what this is all about. It's like the nurse "hit the nail on the head". Yes, I said, this is my daughter. This is what she is going through. This disorder falls under the category of DISSOCIATIVE disorders as you referred to in your response. I have to say that many things you have written about reflect the symptons of DEPERSONILZATION DISORDER and in particular, you mentioned sexual abuse. This is one strong component, they believe, that can lead to the disorder. I say this only in hopes you research it further for yourself, to perhaps better understand what you are feeling or it helps lead you and your doctors to the right diagnosis and treatment. As I have found, this is not a well know disorder and Mount Sinai in NY seems to do the most with it at this time. I am awaiting to hear from my daughter's psychiatrist and what is reply and opinion and thoughts will be when I say, this is it, this is what she has. I'm not sure if there is alot known out there about it, which, unfortunately, makes it even more frightening and the level of hope, though better from thinking or knowing what is wrong, how do you fix it if not alot is known? I will keep you posted on my findings and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you again for listening and taking the time to reply to me. I can only hope that somehow I may offer you the same kindness and support you are offering me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 
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