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Old 01-13-2008, 10:39 PM   #1
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pucca_chick HB User
Unhappy i really do not think this will ever end

next month will be 6 years exactly since i was hit by this. i can remember the exact month i began to fel like this, although i cannot remember the feeling of being free from it i can remember the first time i began to feel it and i know myself that is not normal because it blew my whole world out of the water, i have become used to this more but back then it was entirley unexpected and made no sense and id never in my life felt such absolute dispair. it began with a strange feeling of not being myself, things bugged me more, i was snappy and i think of it as everything around me turned colourless and empty, nothing mattered anymore, everything closed in on me and i felt dead but on fire with anxiety and a feeling of screaming in my own skin for it all to be over. school work just went from under me and to keep it up for everyone was a major struggle and not even i can explain how i got through it. i lost freinds and argued with family and i found it impossible to care for anything. i remember for the first while i pretended to myself nothing was wrong, at first i thought i must be physically ill, i needed so much sleep but just couldnt sleep no matter what, i lost track of what day i was in and it all became just a matter of light and dark outside to me, i couldnt understand the difference, id never felt this before so i thought i must be physicaly ill but couldnt understand why i had no physical sickness i could see or feel that was fuelling my lack of sleep and other symptoms. i remember the day i first broke down and gave up to myself and silentley admitted to myself there might just be something not right. i was walking the dog for the 100th time again and i tried to get the back door opened, it was stuck and i couldnt get it open and the dog was pullng, i was surging with sudden anger and dispair, i wanted to be gone and i was so desperate and in dispair and i broke down and began crying and sank to the ground against the back door. i always wonder if id only known then could i have stopped all this??

does anyone ever ask themselves how they got here?? how it went from what they had and wish to god for one minute they coud forget all this and know again what its like to not have felt something so deep and destroying as what they feel right now?? i look at me then and i feel angry, i should have been over the worst of my younger years and i thought i was, i was doing well at school, had freinds and i felt good about were i was headed and i had overcome stuff myself and i can admit i felt strong and like i deserved to be were i was in life. not to be bitter but i just feel like it was snatched away from me without me even looking and ive tried so hard to fix it and i just feel i will never have the life i wa going to have at that point in my life, like that train is long gone and i missed it for good i am not the same person i was then, i do not have the ability to function as i did then or think the same or feel the same,things have all changed while all this went on and i feel twisted and warped into some unatural being that i was not supposed to grow into.

i feel so alone and trapped, i find it so difficult to open up due to a number of reasons it just feels to much to battle against on top of everything else. to me opeing up feels so wrong and hard to the point its come were days id rather just leave than stay and face anyone. i do not fel like a person and somedays i almost cry again trying to figure it out and find myself again. it has been so long and i truly forget who i am, i wonder if this is me or just a product of what has happened and what all went wrong. i worry because the years ive spent depressed were meant to be the years i learnt stuff, how to handle life and socialise right and grow up, it was also meant to be the years i made up for what happened as a child, i should have been balancing that 'problem' out in my teen years and instead i only got twisted and feel like i dont know any other way to cope, deal wth life or interpret anything anymore.

i look back and i feel almost speechless, i feel utterly exhausted and i wonder sometimes how i got to this age. it went slow but fast at the same time and i see it as one huge never ending rollercoaster from self harm in many forms, my stupid ideas and regeimes i went on, each individual struggle to get from post to post that nearly killed me many many times over and then were i am today. it is at the point now were when i talk to some people or go to counselling, im flicking through chapters of my life and i have some form of emotional crisis eachtime and for each age and almost every week, i have so many different forms of crisises and coping methods that i find myself able to identify with most of what they say in terms of explaining it was 'well when i used to do this, and then this, then after that ther was this and then that and now i do this and next year itll probably be this...'.

im tired now. every technique out there i throw at it doesnt seem to get me anywhere, ive seen soooo many people and had differet opinions thrown at me, im confused and feel overwhelmed by it all and i worry because im not even 20 yet and ive already seen half the NHS, tried so many things and so much has happened, ive lost a lot through this problem and ive only gotten worse, what comes after that??!! life seems very long right now and i cant see a way out. i only see struggles against jobs, people, freinds, family, docs and me and then loneliness and dispair and disappointments and frustrations over and over again and that is putting it simply.

is it true that some people are stuck with this, that they just must learn to manage it better, that it is just the card your dealt in life and you have to learn to live with it and make the best of it?? i have had this 6 years next month, i cant find anywhere that shows much hope of it leaving after. it says 80% of people with treatment get better, am i in the 20%?? i do not respond to treatment and my moods are unpredictable, it started at an early age and i have a history of sexual abuse, attention and anxiety problems from day one and other things from childhood affecting how i veiw life running against me that i have been trying really hard to change.

i would like to know the unsugar-coated truth about what is likley, it doesnt mean i can give up trying either way im just tired of not knowing or understanding, id rather just know, learn to accept whatever it is and decide how best to handle all this. does anyone know??

im feeling very lonely right now-can anyone share their experinces, how did you first feel, how did you know and how long?? anyone know if it ends after this long?? i know there are people worse off its just 6 years is exhausting.

please help xx

 
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Old 01-13-2008, 11:08 PM   #2
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maybecrazy HB User
Re: i really do not think this will ever end

Hi Pucca Chick,

Know that you are not alone, I have been walking the black dog (depression) on and off for a long time - I was sexually abused once that I remember and have no memories of my childhood but whenever I try to remember I get waves of desolation and despair wash over me - so I try not to think about it - but it's hard not having a past.

The thing is you have good days too - you find ways to manage it - you get to know the signs that it's approaching and learn ways of lessening or stopping it from occurring - I was doing ok till I got attacked at work one too many times and received no support afterwards - a lot of which was due to the fact I wouldn't admit I had a problem - it's like they say after the storm comes the rainbow - it's hard when you're in the bottom of a pit to look for the rainbow but it is there - I try to keep the lights bright and have lavender burning in my flat - if it's the UK - NHS I can understand your frustration being an ex brit - but hang in there once you find the right treatment there is hope - and we are all here to provide support to eachother so keep in touch

 
Old 01-14-2008, 07:59 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: i really do not think this will ever end

Hi Pucca, I never really had a life until I was 30. Before that I just coped and survived. I started to come alive after 30. I started to change my life when I was 14. Made some discoveries and made some changes but still struggled. Basically used this time to educate myself literally (college) and educate myself about the world and other people but inside I was still isolated from others and miserable. Had to wait almost 10 more years before I made some other discoveries and changes. This was when therapy started and with therapy the discoveries/changes came much faster. If I would have had the internet and Heathboards I think that the discoveries and changes would have occurred much faster. It was a journey.

What you describe makes me think that you still haven't "worked from YOUR core". What I mean by this is basically empowerment. You find your power from within and run your life from that vantage point and not anyone elses. I'll bet that if you put school aside for now then you will be able to focus more on getting better.

 
Old 01-14-2008, 02:34 PM   #4
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treelover HB User
Re: i really do not think this will ever end

Hi Pucca Chick:

Just a few observations - I think that depression and all that goes along with it varies quite a bit from child to adolescent to adult. It sounds as if you got hit during your adolescence and that may attribute to the length and severity of your depression (hormones and all). I am just guessing here.

I can relate to Sannah quite a bit. I didn't start figuring out "who I was" until I was around thirty and then really started to get a handle on it after I stopped drinking and drugging (36). I still strugge at 44. As I look back at my life I truly believe I suffered from depression for most of it and I used drinking and drugging to self medicate.

There is a lot of angst just in growing up let alone with the added problems of depression, etc.

Just keep on plugging along and I hope for you one day you will turn that corner and the sun will come out. It happened for me. Don't give up hope. Keep trying.

Treelover.

 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:51 PM   #5
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sunshine0806 HB User
Re: i really do not think this will ever end

Aw hon, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I can remember a time when I was happy. I view depression as a chemical imbalance that can be triggered by certain situations. I know some people think depression is situational, as in "X caused my depression," though I doubt many people get depression if they're not pre-disposed to it. I know in my case, mental illness runs in my family. I think when it really hit me was a few years ago, early 20's. I blamed it on going off birth control pills, because that really messed with my hormones, and I just never felt "right" after that. I've been a lot more touchy, anxious, and the slightest upset leads me to have suicidal visions.


So, at least in my case, I don't think there is any root cause, other than genetics. I've been able to regulate it some with anti-depressants. They have been a big help to me, though I still go through really bad spells. Overall, I'm not happy which is a mystery to me. It's not like I have a terrible life; I went through some bad times a year ago, but my life circumstances have changed for the better, overall. Because if depression is indeed a chemical imbalance, then wouldn't regulating those chemicals by taking anti-depressants solve the problem? Though, SSRI's only work on certain chemicals from what I understand; a nurse practitioner I saw wanted to switch me to Effexor becuase she says that works on more chemicals. I hesitated to switch, but maybe it would help even more since Lexapro has helped me a lot? I don't know. I do think people's depression varies to a certain degree so I don't aim to tell other people what THEIR depression stems from. Though, sexual abuse is there in many people who have depression. So, I believe it can by partly situational, or at least those situations triggered the imbalance. With me, though, I do remember a better time. I was happy, have been for most of my life - something just happened. I've noticed this same pattern in other relatives, and that scares me since they're now dead - from suicide.

I don't know that depression really ends - at least it doesn't in most people I've seen. It just is kept at bay by drugs, therapy, other treatments. I do think maybe in my case the changes of hormone levels did have some role in it; hormones and other brain chemicals that affect happiness go hand in hand. I have semi-normal periods, but ever since going off the BC pills, I'm more likely to skip, and they rarely come at the same time each month when they are regular. My PMS is bad, bad. So, I'm thinking about going back on the pill much as I hate to mess with hormones again, or at least seeing if there is something that can be taken for PMS. I'll be doing fine, then my depression kicks in BIGTIME during that time - I'll guess that it's that but am never sure since my periods are kind of off. I would also think AD's would help with that since there is supposedly a hormone/depression link. They've helped regulate the periods a bit, but definitely haven't helped with PMS any. Sorry I'm rambling, but those are my experiences and general thoughts on this hateful disease.

 
Old 01-14-2008, 07:01 PM   #6
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: i really do not think this will ever end

Hi Pucca....
Sorry I havent posted in awhile.....
I wanted to just add a couple of things......I did not suffer from depression in my early years, I'm 38 now....but I also did not have control over my life until I was in my late twenties, specifically when I met my husband. At that point, I could have either chosen to continue living in my current situation, or move forward and make a life for myself, which I did. All my problems certainly didnt go away, but little by little, I gained a little more control over things as I got older. I'm still to this day working on that. I think alot of this what you're talking about could be "control" as well. Alot of what you went through as a child was because you didnt have any control over it, and then your treatment, you had to basically go alot with your doc and how she handled things. You've been trying all sorts of things, but so far it has felt out of your hands. As far as learning to "manage it better".....thats definitely a possibility, but something that we all learn to do...and it gets a little "clearer" I think as you get older. Your decision already as I read to tell your parents about how you're doing in school, is the first step to starting to take control of things for yourself. I was very happy to read that....how did it go? Did you get a chance to speak to them yet?
Anyways, I just wanted to say that I think as you get older, things may not get "easier" or "go away"....you will just learn to make different decisions and choices....and there is a big difference when you feel more in control of your life, than when you are dependent so much on other people.

Carsam

Last edited by mary09; 01-14-2008 at 07:02 PM.

 
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