(without prejudices) I hear what you are saying and i guess in away i am complaining to a point. I also know I found it hard to get around my head people still keep doing things, like my ex keep shutting me out of my sons life at any chance he gets and at the end of the day there is nothing i can do about it even though the court orders state shared parenting rights. As for my daughter it's a hard thing to handle knowing the depths my daughter is willing to go to for what ever reason she does these things for and depth of no trust i know have for my own child, plus people expecting me to being there for her. If a straighter had done these things in all rights you would not want to be anywhere near that person as you know within yourself you could not trust this person anymore, but it's my own daughter and that is a hard pill to take. You see it was my own daughter who tried to stab me with the first assualt and my son her brother was there to see and hear all as he was only six at the time. I am at a point in life where i have very little trust in or faith in people. I am very angry about everything that has happened and that continues to happen and a sense of hopliness that there is nothing i can do or say to change what my ex does as it is it also having a negitive effect on my son and his father can not see this or whats he is doing is a payback on me along with his son being hurt through this to and intern he is really starting to resent his own dad.
-So in short i have no value in my exs eyes
the same with my daughter other and someone to use when she feels the need to.
-My own parents make me feel it was my fault my was sexualy abused as a child and should shut up and put up with it.
-My partner in short thinks i'm nuts because i know have a low pain tolerents.
-My partner thinks i should get in with people who have been against me in the court case for my son just so i can them on my side. Think that is using people and this i will not do.
The counsellor exsplains it's that i am like a full cup of tea and every time something negitive happens the cup spills over as my body has had it's fill and to stop a total overload instinctively my mind has put these safe guards in place like PTSD and aniety to stop myself from overloading with it comes fight and fright, anger, zoneouts, memory lose, voices that i think i hear strangers say things or the people that know i think i hear the say some and it's not true, chills, sometime dissiness, tears. Visions where i think i see something move and i jump in fear or i think i see someone coming at me. Nightmares where i lassout in my sleep and scream, but can never make the dreams out other than being left with a overwhelming fear and darkness. Things on TV like blood seems and anyone seeing hurt i feel along with a sense that i live the pain there going through at that time. Traveling i find it hard on my own and to go to far on my own i have not been able to do for about twelve months now and the car doors are always locked and windows. I find it hard to be in crowds and are always on guard and always have my eye on people around in public, someone bumps into me and i jump and zoneout. Aniety or panic attacks where it feels like i'm going to blankout and once it felt like i was having a stroke. I sometimes even forget to breath as the counsellor has pointed out. Total fear and miss trust of anyone or anything even within myself, that one also comes from been betraded by so many people friends and family alike.
I have learn how to work out people really quickly.
I put my faith in animals more than humans.
I like my own company more.
I don't speak to people much about this other than with my counsellor and on message board as people just don't really understand and just think i'm nuts and a fruit cake.
I don't even speak to my partner really about it, as he to dosn't understand and is somewhat not very supportive.
It is a lonely thing to deal with and hard to deal with every second and minute of the day. I even sometimes find it hurts to breath in a sense.
I know one thing though i would not wish this on anyone in no way or shape.
I onces would travel over to the other side of the world on my own.
I would drive for hrs and think nothing of it.
I was somewhat of a out there person.
I sore fear a challenge.
I enjoyed MA15+ movies
I could help people and be there for other and be glad i was of some help.
I was able to adminiser first Aide to people hurt and think nothing of it.
I was a person who would help a strangers in need as other would just walk by.
I had a great sense off family and was quiet happy to put goals on hold inorder to be there for other family members.
If people turned to me for support i would do that and i was happy to do so and think nothing of it.
I once was a very forgiving person.
I still have my sense of helping animals though thats not changed.
I still have my love for living in the bush even more so knowing that i will be away from people more and have animals around me more.
In my ideal world i would live in the country where i had a orchard, chickens, a jersey cow some sheep goats a horse or two. I would help sick or hurt animals and return them back to the wild. I would be mostly self-surfishent and mostly away from people and what people i did know i had a real sense of trust with in them, people of quiety not perfect and with no people that are nothing but snakes in the grass. Plus as far as the eyes could see trees and bushland as nature intended it to be.
Not people who think its ok to use you and not the ones that stab you in the back.
Not people enjoy kicking you down and want to keep you kicked back down into the gutter.
Not people that make you hate life so much you want to end it.
Not people that play head games.
Not people who seem to think that hurting you is ok.
Not people who pretend to support you and then are really just against you.
Not people who twist words and things back at you, just to win or cores pain.
Not people who see you as nothing more than trash with No value no rights or feelings.
WHO EVERY THEY MAY BE