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Old 02-17-2008, 12:38 PM   #1
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pucca_chick HB User
Angry living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

i live in a house with 3 freinds-my best freind and one guy are a couple whove been going out for years and lets face it will probably marry in the future. my freind knows of my problems although i dont explain how i feel because i dont feel i need to, but i do tell her whats going on with things like treatment and stuff.

the other two have no idea and are both male. i like them all but there are diferences as is expected. its just at times i find it infuriating. one hopes to be a politcian and will argue any point when he is in the mood. somedays i like to be just watching tv and making innocent comments not having to use every ounce of brain power, i just like to relax and not for everything to be a well thought throught out conclusion and black and white-but he picks at every point even if im joking. the other night something came on about depression, and he just screwed up his face and got at the person on tv about why would someone have post natal depression? in a kind of judgemental way, i tried to tell him it was to do with chemicals but it washed over him and he started on about how theyve just had a baby what do they have to be depressed about, he then started to inform me of depression and what apparently is 'the real problem with some people'. i think he is thinking of the people who scrounge benefits by claiming a fake illness. it infuriates me to the point i will shout if i let myself but i dont and start to shake, it puts me in a foul mood then all day, i find it so frustarting and i rant in my head about how stupid and ignorant people can be, they are being so damn thick why can they not beleive what science has shown and how can they argue something they have never experienced or know anything about, it is clear he has little emotional depth outside of the baics just from how he talks and his opinions.it is all very well because he is sat with two very careful and smothering parents, and never had any trauma or massive hindering problems in chilhood to date. he has a great girlfreind, he can show emotion, he has freinds and is popular, he isnt shy, he has a good job and isn anxious about it and is er socialble, everything is no big problem for him and with cash he lends off his parents and girlfreind if he needs it(although he does work).

everything we argue over i get cut off in, he wont let me speak and can be very patronisig about, screws up his face and just assumes stuff as evidence, he rarley has hard fact or else he tries to compare it to something else that has nothing to do with it. like he tried to tell me he knew what heroin addiction is like, that he understands addiction because he 'likes' a favourate food, then told me that because he can stop himself eating it all day i shuld be able stop smoking(this coming from someone who has never smoked a ciggaret in his life). he then told me that because he had tried on drag of a cigar and didnt want more that it was then proof that apparently in actual fact fags arent addictive(as im told by him). i just sit back in frustration because everything i say is degarded or shrugged off and then he thinks he has a sound argument based on this crap ive just told you.

i have a lot of problems i havent told, partly because after all this i dont want to, i have no wish to start wasting energy trying to convince him or the other one why i do certain things, how hard it is or how i feel. they cant grasp simple things are hard and that just because im out of bed, talking and seeming fine -that things in fact arent fine beneath the surface and that i cant do some simple things because all my energy is put into appearig ok and doing the neccessities.

the guy is a nice person ad i think he does genuinely mean no harm, he just HAS to be right about everything. i think he feels he is above me or more intelligent because he knows a lot about histoty, politics and just stuff i dont know about. i have not studied history in years and it has been a long time since i have sat down to read a decent newspaper and when i do i cant remember things anymore, i struggle just to be able to do my own school work never mind accumulate knowledge from other subjects. so when it comes to that he wins and then i think he feels in general he is manly and im small, he reminds me of my dads way of arguing-he did law and he will turn my head inside out in an arguement he is just so infuriating because he twists things. the guy likes to feel everything is fine and he is right and all is well so frequently he will make stuff up to re assure himself or lecture me on why i should and shouldnt do stuff as if i dont know-he doesnt get that sometimes i just dont have it in me to care.

i like the people i live with it is just that when im having a crap day and come home to it, it starts to eat at me. i wouldnt want it to come between any of us but i dont know how to get around it or block it out.

does anyone have simliar experience or problems?? anyone know how to deal with i?? it is silly that in this day and age with all science has proven that people still cant belive something like depression exists, and if they cant understand or grasp the feelings of it i wish they culd just appreciate it is hard even if they cant see it physically-it still is very very real, to me i see no different than if some idiot were to sit and start mouthing about why a physically disabled person should be able to get up and just start running.

any tips , i like these peopl and i dont want it to go to waste, id rather learn to deal with it i dont want it to be worth ruining freindships over?? xx

 
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Old 02-17-2008, 02:16 PM   #2
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PurpleRose HB User
Re: living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

Hi, there. This male roommate of yours appears to be a complete know-it-all. I had a friend once who was just like that, and you could never get a word in edgewise about anything. She always got the last word and she was always right about everything. It got to the point that for my sanity I just started doing things with her less and less. And when we did get together, I would give myself a pep talk on what not to do (keep to small talk, if she counters on what you say, which she will surely do, just drop it). It was an awful lot of ignoring I had to do (ignoring not in the snubbing sense, but just ignoring all the junk that came out of her mouth), but that's really the only way you can deal with someone like that without going absolutely crazy, short of never being around them. And that's another option of yours, to just keep your distance from him. Not sure how large your place is, but maybe when he just happens to be around, you could just happen to not be around, like in your room or something, when the ignoring thing gets to be too much. Now for the second part: How people are so ignorant about any type of mental illness, depression included. There are just always going to be morons out there that, no matter what you try to say to them, they will always be biased against people suffering from this illness, and thanks to them, that's why there's such a worldwide stigma attached to it all. One thing that helps me out is that I'm trying to be an advocate for the sake of all people suffering major depression or any other form of mental illness for that matter. I don't get into knock down, drag out fights or anything, but I will make a one-or-two line comment when someone says something really stupid or degrading, which, if it doesn't succeed in getting them to re-think their viewpoint, it at least gets the point across to them that I think that whatever they said was totally moronic, inconsiderate, wrong, and, most importantly, better left unsaid. I can then only hope that they'll think first next time and maybe even refrain from saying something prejudicial to someone else about people suffering from mental illness or about mental illness itself. I don't know if this helps you any or not, but I hope so. Sorry for rambling.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 06:45 PM   #3
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granny0 HB User
Re: living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

Hi Pucca,
Since you are stuck living with this guy, I think it's important for you to let him know how you feel. Since he doesn't let you get a word in, how about a well thought out letter or email. Don't sound accusing in it, just state the facts and how what he says makes you feel. Your home should be your sanctuary. Just my opinion, but I think if you keep this bottled up, it will only fester.
Best wishes,
JB

 
Old 02-18-2008, 05:57 AM   #4
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

Hi Pucca, I really agree with PurpleRose. This guy has a right to his opinion just as you do. I would not engage in this kind of discussion with him at all. If he started to I would tell him that I am not interested in debating with him, end of conversation. When you are not feeling very strong right now it is a good idea to conserve your energy.

 
Old 02-18-2008, 08:34 AM   #5
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

I have thought more about this topic. I have had to come to terms with others' opinions and I feel that I have found a very comfortable spot. When someone has an opinion that differs from mine I really feel comfortable with that and I do not feel threatened. Threatened is a big issue with this I think. The way that I see it, we get threatened because we do not feel secure enough with ourselves and our own stand on the issue. It is as if because we don't feel secure enough that we must have others around us who feel the same way so that we can feel more secure about our own position. When we can let go and not feel that we have to control others' opinions around us this is real freedom. So if you want to get where I am at with this comfort zone worry less about others' opinions and work more on feeling secure with where you are at.

 
Old 02-18-2008, 06:01 PM   #6
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Re: living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

hi guys, thanks for the advice. i think your right but right now i feel so frustrated and sometimes i get so angry that people cant see a bigger picture, or why they just have to be so unessesarily mean about something so sensitive and have no concept of the weight of their own words.

i just had what must have been a 2 hour long debate with him on the English lanuage(i study english-despite my many spelling mistakes). it went better although i still find myself becoming very very heated and shaking, but im practicing, i appreciate he has the right to his own opinion, it is just ignorance i dont like(maybe im being a hippocryte here). in the end he contradicted what he said, he had some good points and i will admit he can twist his words to make it sound like a sound argument, but theres just smaller details and concepts he cant quite grasp or just shrugs off-so how can anyone debate when the other person refuses to even consider the full arguement or just wont hear certain things. in the end it was decided my course im studying is bull and what theyre teaching is wrong. but that is his take on it and i can see it isnt bull.

i hope i can control myself more these days, because i end up angry and hurt sometimes at it all when they are not. i think i just torture myself trying to get others to understand or see my veiw. in general i always try to see it from the other persons view and really grasp how they came to that conclusion-then try to argue it by matching it up with an argument. i just feel thick sometimes and like he feels im thick, i suppose its my bitterness though. when i was better i read a lot, i was interested in the news and what was going on, and words flowed a lot smoother and better, i could access , construct and shape an argument to most things and felt comfortable in what i was arguing because i knew i had the brain power. now its all dried up, i cant read much anymore, i have little energy, i miss bits, i lose focus and sometimes in arguments i phase out and its just words to me i cant make sense of. i miss being able to have a juicy debate were im calmer and have my own knowledge to back it up, were i can actually remember and keep track of what i said and what were debating about. these days things just fly about, i lost track of what goes on in the world and i have little evidence to ever have much of an opinion good enough to argue or support anything. i think that is what frustrates me, just that i have fragments of sound argument and meaning but i cant get it out, formulate or organise it to say it-and then i just look thick. when im studying english it means a lot to me to be able to argue a sound argument and not to lose my temper.

i think its just a case of that i know what the real me is like and capable of, and when im arguing these people i just look and think'i used to be able to argue like you-and appear half way intelligent', i get sad just thinking of what is gone now and waiting to get it back, i guess maybe im angry and slightly jelous that they can do it and i cant get it to work, sort of knowing i could once stick up for myself and that im thick. but these people although they dont know im not well, they in fact have only known me when i havent been well so sometimes it feels they make asumptions of me based on their interpretation of me running on only half a battery-i think a lot more about stuff than they assume i do and im not as dozy as i appear at times and im not as sheltered or as uncultured as i sound at times.

i get angry because sometimes what we are debating is personal to me, ive experienced it first hand and can really understand deeply the feelings of what im arguing, whereas this person has not experienced the same as me, cant understand it in the depth i do and i know he is wrong, he tends to assume others reactions, and thinks he can anticipate what he would do in a truama and can be quite harsh with people that have traumatic experiences not grasping that it is not logical and not a reaction you can just plan out and dictate to your brain or body to follow, but i have no physical evidence to put to him, its just what i feel and im not about to sit down and rhyme off a long list of my own personal experiences to him in order to get him to understand-its personal and private, so i just end up frustrated knowing i have the knowledge but cant argue it.im trying to look at it as its not his fault and there are things i dont understand but as far as i know im not tryig to claim i do understand them, in ways im glad he hasnt had the experience to understand-id just like it if he could appreciate it or at least take note and value that i have an opinion and i may be right about some things.

you are right, it zaps my energy a lot and knocks me over, i get anxious and angry. probably best i wait until im better to get into such heated debates. hopefully some day ill be myself again and itll all come back-heres hoping.

xx

 
Old 02-19-2008, 06:54 AM   #7
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: living with people that dont understand or are just plain ignorant

Quote:
Originally Posted by pucca_chick View Post
i think i just torture myself trying to get others to understand or see my veiw.

i guess maybe im angry and slightly jelous that they can do it and i cant get it to work,

can be quite harsh with people that have traumatic experiences not grasping that it is not logical and not a reaction you can just plan out and dictate to your brain or body to follow,

it zaps my energy a lot and knocks me over, i get anxious and angry. probably best i wait until im better to get into such heated debates.
Hi Pucca, this guy has a lot to learn about life. He already thinks that he has all the answers when there is so much to learn about everything. I'll bet one day he will come around. It will probably take time, though, so you won't be able to help him with this transformation over night.

Pucca, you will be debating again one day, full of energy and all your wits about you (Which you do have now, they are just hard to access because of everything that is going on with you now. You are not thick!!!)

What you said about the traumatic experiences and how this guy thinks that you can logically control these things. You are correct. They are emotional reactions which have a life and mind of their own. You can work with them but you cannot outright control them.

 
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