theyarealltaken

Hello, I am new here. I have many factors to lead to me believing as to why I feel that I am dealing with depression.

I had a great childhood, until my father decided to cheat on my mother and leave the family. I ended up in Japan because after the divorce my mother decided to take us kids back to japan to save us. My mother was a japanese citizen until she met my dad who was in the USAF. She became a US citizen after they married.

I had to drop out of high school and get a job in a foreign country. I have been working the same job for 24 years now. I am finally quitting in about a month.

When I first moved to japan I had a difficult time with a lot of things. The language, making new friend, the small apartments etc. Anything bad that had ever happened I would blame it all on my father. I was mad at him for what he did.

As I grew older, I realized that he did try to be somewhat of a supportive and caring father but we didn't even want to talk to him or see him. I speak for myself though. My older sister kept in touch secretly with him for years.
He had attempted to stop payment on child support a few times for he did not know where we were. My mother didn't want to tell him that we were moving to japan.

My thoughts for him have changed due to my own experiences in life. My mother was not having it though. I fought with her about till her death last year june.

I married 3 years ago and my mother did not like my husband at all. I understand that she just wanted the best for me...my husband was an alcoholic and he is diabetic. Anytime I would say anything to my mother about him she would always just say,"You should just hurry up and divorce him!"

I am very thankful to say that he has quit drinking for 1 year now. The whole experience with that is what actually triggered most of my depression. I am still dealing with that. I am 40 years old and he just turned 25. That alone can be very stressful. I wanted to leave him several of times during his drinking career. I attempted to and just couldn't, but I was so over it all until he decided to quit completely.
I had to deal with how selfish he would be , his lies, and many other things. I thought that most of it was because of his drinking, but now that he isn't drinking I still see a lot of selfishness in him. Especially when it comes to dealing with me and my problems. I have a lot of resentment toward the,"drinking him" that I do have a hard time dealing with even til this day. I did my research and study with AA and Alanon etc. I think I know what to do, and what not to and what to expect. I try my hardest always to explain myself to my husband but seem to get no-where sometimes with him.

After my mother became very ill, my brother came around and started acting like my boss and wanted to take over everything. I of course who was already suffering from some depression was not having it. I still can't talk too much to my brother. He thinks that I am being disloyal to my mother by just talking to my dad.

My sister had many problems herself. She would steal from me and my mother, take my clothes with force if I wouldn't let her borrow it(most of the times she wouldn't even ask). She too was an alcoholic, suffering depression and other mental disorders. I cannot remember what the specialists diagnosed her with. She is someone that I really care about but cannot trust. My mother's last words about her was that she does not want to ever see her. My mother also made me promise that I would never talk to or see my dad again while she was in the hospital dying. I promised her after arguing, that it would be a lie but if she just wanted to hear those words, knowing that it was a lie, I would say it. So, I did. It made her happy even though her and I both knew that it was a lie.

Oh and my dad now has cancer and is fighting it.

I am here because, I feel that I need understanding from my husband that I am depressed! I think if I can get the support and understanding from him and that most of it was triggered from him that I could somewhat be okay. I never saw myself as a weak person. I know I am suffering, I know what has triggered it, I know that he can help me. I need someone to be supportive but I am not getting much from him. I feel that he is the only one I have. I know I am not supposed to expect it from him(being a recovering alcoholic and all), but I just can't help to think that he owes me something. Which is totally wrong according to AA and alanon.

After some episodes that my sister has had with medication and all that I have heard, I do not want to take any medication. Counseling, maybe.

I can't enjoy life like I used to. I just want to sleep all day if I could. Then at night I cannot sleep. My mind just keeps going. I feel that I just need a break. After I quit working I feel that I just need a month of doing nothing. I am almost positive that I would get bored of that. I have so many things piled up that I can't even start with them. Boxes of my mother belongings that I need to go through along with boxes of my own stuff that I haven't been able to touch since I moved into where I live for almost 2 years now.

I cannot stop typing!
I guess I just need a place to talk about my stress. Not sure if this is the right place or not but I am willing to give it a try.

But please keep in mind that it is hard to find a counselor of any kind here in japan for a foreigner and that I do not want to rely on any medication.
Thank you