pesadilla

I don't really know where to begin, but I hope that getting this out makes me feel even a little bit better.

On the surface, everything seems fine. I'm a 23 year old female studying to become a Nurse. I live on my own and am completely independent from my parents, and have been since just after I turned 17. I have a great boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. This is pretty much all I have.

I cannot recall a time in my life when I was not depressed to some extent. I grew up hating myself. I never felt adequate around other people, and still don't. I have never felt good enough to be friends with most people, and can't seem to form long-lasting friendships.

I have been with my current boyfriend for close to 2 years. Prior to that, I was with someone else that I started seeing when I was 17. I have never been single in my adult life. Nor do I want to be. I think if I was, I might not make it. I need to be needed. But it isn't enough because I still feel as though I'm consumed with sadness.

Some days are better than others, but at least one day of every week I can barely get out of bed. I've learned to hide it from other people well. Most of the time, no one can tell that anything is wrong. However during these instances, I feel nothing but normal. I feel intense anxiety every day. I have a short history of panic attacks - it's only really been an issue for the past year and a half or so. On a daily basis though, I feel severe tightness in my chest and sweat profusely (palms, feet, armpits, you name it). Sometimes I can slow it down with deep breathing, but I usually have to remove myself from whatever situation I'm in entirely. But it even happens when I'm at home by myself.

I have been on medication in the past, and it didn't work for me. Against the doctor's orders, I went off of it. I do not want to be medicated. I want to be able to handle my issues without any sort of chemical.

I am beginning to wonder if I have a (mild) eating disorder. I know this could turn into something worse very quickly if I don't keep it under control. I feel fat. I change at least ten times before leaving my apartment and even then it's because I'm frustrated, not because I think I look even close to pretty.

I'm rambling now.
I don't know what the root of my problem is. My family isn't that bad. My parents are still together and I have two older brothers. The only factor I can think of that may have had an impact on my mental state would be my dad. We do not have a relationship AT ALL. He has always seemed disinterested and absent from my entire family, despite being physically present. Nothing has ever seemed good enough for him.

I guess I should mention there is a history of mental illness in my family. My mom has been diagnosed with clinical depression (although she doesn't take anything for it). One of my cousins is recovering from Anorexia, another is Schizophrenic, and another is battling an addiction to Crystal Meth. Both of my older brothers have admitted to being depressed during times in their lives but seem okay now (just like I seem okay now).

My financial situation won't allow for therapy. I tried a few free counselors but none of them helped. I just found myself getting angry with their insincerity. I don't know what else to do except grin and bear it anymore. I don't think about suicide but have in the past. I also used to cut myself.

My head is in complete and total disarray right now. I don't know what else to say. I hope there's someone that can relate.