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Old 05-14-2008, 05:46 PM   #1
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ilco80 HB User
Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. Update

Hello. Long post ahead, just a warning.

=( So. Let me just say I think I'm going insane. I'd also like to say that I am a student, though I will not specify my age of course.

I have been depressed feeling for the past 3 years. I am only coming to realize that the way I've been feeling is a problem recently. I don't know why I wouldn't realize it before but I guess I was less aware that I was feeling depressed - I thought it was a normal way to feel, sadly.

Over the past couple years I've had numerous physical symptoms start affecting me. I had no idea why, and I thought that I had a something serious. I started having chronic, intense stomach pains, migraines and chronic headaches, shoulder and neck pain, a constant cold feeling, numbness and swelling of random body parts (example, hand swelling, entire arm / face going numb), spastic twitching, loss of period, major hair loss, random eczema breakouts without any history of it before, and very bad sleeping troubles (jolting awake constantly, troubles falling asleep, insomnia / waking up early)

I've also had different behaviors / feelings affecting me, but I did not find them concerning before. They have progressed, and as I said, before, I just thought they were normal.

(By the way, I did go to a doctor for 3 years. I've had numerous blood tests, x-rays, blahblah, and all that has come up is a low amount of sex hormones. He thinks I have anxiety now but I got too frustrated at him and I don't see him anymore)

Anyway, as for behaviors, I've always isolated myself and wanted solitude, I have constant suicidal thoughts, and though I don't have the will power to do anything, I have a VERY big fear that one day I will develop the will to. I've been self destructive (cutting) I've been having sex even though I feel awful and dirty after and I never want to do it again, yet I still go back to it =( .. I really hate myself, and my school is just disastrous. I'm failing, I skip classes a lot, I have no future plans, etc.

I'll just list off a bunch of other things I feel that have been LONG TERM AND CONSTANT.

- Very bad self image

- Fear of weight gaining and I keep a journal with my food intake inside... I limit myself to certain amounts of calories.. I've never considered myself to be starving but I know I don't eat a lot. I never thought I might have an eating disorder until recently.

- I have things that I do that someone told me seem like they are obsessive compulsive behaviors, such as showering or brushing my teeth to get rid of guilty feelings, writing lists (about the same thing) over and over to get rid of guilt (i have 40 lists in my drawer just from this past month..), I clean when I feel guilty or scattered feeling, I obsessively apologize to people because I'm afraid I've secretly done something to make them upset or something, and my cutting is also a form of getting rid of guilt .. like.. punishment?

- I constantly doubt people who I've considered my friends. They give me reasons to not trust them, but I feel very bad about it anyway

- I hate being around other people and I refuse to get a job because I can't stand people

- I have very hard times making decisions and I'm constantly worrying / thinking. My doctor told me I have panic attacks from the things that I have been describing to him (or rather, they things I did.. my last appointment with him was this past monday)

- I will cry very easily or for no reason, and I cry on a daily basis more than once..

- I am irritable and angry / sad / empty feeling a lot.. half the time I come home from my classes and I just sit in my room staring at the ceiling.. I am not exaggerating..

- I lost all interest in everything I use to do and no matter how hard I try I just CANT do them anymore and it makes me VERY sad

- I have a fear that I am going insane and that I will never feel better

- I have experiences that feel like they are 'OUT of BODY' ... I have experiences where I will "leave" my body and "observe" what I am doing.. such as crying at my desk. I also have feelings where I have sunk inside myself and I no longer have control over my body, or I have a feeling that I am falling / looking down at everything. Things will seem far away and my depth of perception seems gone.

- I have a fear that I am a figment of people's imagination / that i don't exist and I panic over this thought

- I lose my memory a lot and then I am startled when it comes back and I suddenly remember something again

- I will do something, say, go for a walk, and then when I get back home I either forget that it happened, forget what happened while I was on the walk, think that I didn't actually go and I just THOUGHT of going..

- Sometimes I feel that things are not really there and no matter how hard I touch it or look at it it just never becomes real

- I will zone out / day dream so vividly that I either believe it happened or when I 'snap out of it' I am VERY startled and I will not remember what happened / where I am, things like that.




I know it's a long post but I would appreciate someones thoughts. I am thinking of talking to my school counselor because I don't have the money / support to see a professional.

Please, help me. What do I do? What am I feeling? Can somebody relate?

Is it anxiety or is it depression? I'm so confused.

Last edited by ilco80; 05-30-2008 at 04:06 AM. Reason: Update

 
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Old 05-14-2008, 06:27 PM   #2
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granny0 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

Hey there,

It seems you have everything, you poor thing!
Go talk to your school counselor and please tell her/him everything you just told us. You should print out your post/list and give it to them. Go prepared to do what she/he thinks is best for you. You sound like you really need help now, so please do it tomorrow. You hate the way you are feeling, so don't put it off another day, okay?

Feel better soon and please let me know it goes tomorrow.

Best wishes,

JB

 
Old 05-14-2008, 06:49 PM   #3
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ilco80 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I will make an appointment with my school counselor tomorrow, and I will do what you said, and told them the things I posted.

It's scary to get help though, if she suggests I go to a professional. My parents are not very supportive and they are the only way I can get further help, unless I force myself to be uncomfortable at a job like I did before, but I ended up having to quit after 3 months because I broke down too often.

I'll make sure to share what the school counselor says, though I can't promise I'll be able to get an appointment right away with her tomorrow. I will probably have to wait until Friday.

Thank you again! It means a lot to me.

 
Old 05-14-2008, 07:12 PM   #4
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granny0 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

I'm sorry your parents are not supportive - shame on them! But since you are in school, you are most likely covered under their health ins and should have a medical card with your name on it. If you are covered, you don't need their permission to go to the doctor. A lot of health ins companies have certain psychiatrists, therapists etc. that you have to use and they cover a certain percentage.

I have 2 daughters, 23 & 24, and when my youngest was your age, she went through some rough times. It was very easy to find most ins company's list of providers online. So, if your parents are not supportive, take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.

Also, if your Mom knew just how bad you are feeling, you may be surprised by how supportive she can be.

Best wishes,

JB

 
Old 05-15-2008, 06:17 PM   #5
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ilco80 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

So I made my appointment but it isn't until wednesday.
Hopefully the long weekend will be okay.
Wednesday is an okay time. I'll update afterward. =)

 
Old 05-15-2008, 06:56 PM   #6
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granny0 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

I so glad you did what you said and made an appt with your counselor.

Do you feel a little relief just from doing that? I would. Do you live in a dorm, apt with roomates, with parents? I like solitude also and suffer from depression. I work all day, come home and make dinner and then just sit around watching t.v. with my husband. He goes to work early so he goes to bed early. That is my alone time and sometimes I fight going to bed just because I know when I wake up, it just starts all over again. Kinda like a kid that doesn't want to go to bed

Hows, the weather up there? Getting any warm sunny days? We've had more cool rainy days this May than I ever remember and May used to be my favorite month, until my Dad passed in the month of May.

Anyway, If you get a bit of nice weather in the coming days, go outside and spend some time in the sun. Hopefully you have someplace "pretty" you can go. Feel the warmth on your face and enjoy the beauty around you. Listen to the birds chirp and the sounds around you. I find that so tranquilizing - like having my battery recharged. I can sit in my back yard, but have a lot of shade trees and have to keep moving my chair to sunny spots. That helps me feel better, more at peace with myself, even if it's for just that day. (Someone always seems to decide to mow their lawn or use power saws when I'm trying to sit outside-be nice if I had a remote control to shut them off)

I hope you have a relaxing week and look forward to hearing how you are doing.

Hugs,

JB

 
Old 05-15-2008, 07:10 PM   #7
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ilco80 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

I feel relieved, I'm just wondering / afraid I might back down from it since it's still a week away. Sometimes I put too much thought into these things and end up changing my mind, but I'll try not to. Because I really want to talk to them and I know I'd just end up making another one right after.

I can relate with the fighting going to bed because you know it just starts again. My days have become so routine, both physically and emotionally, and it's horrible.

And yes, today was gorgeous outside actually. I felt like sitting outside all day, and I went for a very long walk this evening. It made me feel better at the time but when I came home I crashed and I'm instantly thinking of the same things and I'm worried I'm going to end up hurting myself like I do most nights, so I called up a friend and she's staying the night with me. I didn't tell her why I wanted her to but she agreed, which I'm glad.

If the weather is nice this weekend I think that's what I'll do. Walk and sit outside. It seems like such a refreshing idea.

And thank you, you've been so wonderful. =)

 
Old 05-15-2008, 07:23 PM   #8
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granny0 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

I'm glad you have a friend spending the night. Is she someone you can talk to about how you feel? Sometimes just letting it all out to someone you care about helps. If not, I hope you girls can have fun.

If you really feel like you could hurt yourself, please go to the emergency room. That would speed up things and get you help quicker.

Feel better soon.

JB

 
Old 05-15-2008, 07:33 PM   #9
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ljenner831 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

ilco80- I have been where you are and am now better. With counseling and medication, I am back to living again. I do still struggle from time to time and have keep reminding myself to be strong and stay healthy.
DEFINITELY keep your appt. with your counselor and tell her everything. The more honest you are, the more she can help.
Also, if the friend who spent the night is someone you feel very close to, let her know what's going on. My closest friends were a life saver to me when I was at my lowest point. Having someone to just sit with you or hug you can really help.
SMILE!

 
Old 05-30-2008, 04:05 AM   #10
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ilco80 HB User
Re: Depressed. I am driving myself insane.. [LONG]

I know it's been a while and I said I'd update sooner but I just haven't got around to it, well, because I didn't really get anywhere at first.

I talked with my guidance counselor, and she found me a community counseling center (these people have all their credentials) that offers 10 free counseling sessions for any students or people of a certain age (teens and younger). BUT there is a waiting list. I registered anyway and they said that I should only have to wait 6 weeks, which seems long, but I took the day sessions (because I can afford to take them in the day) which is shorter waiting than the evening, which is up to 4 months waiting.

I'm not sure if it will be what I'm looking for, and I know they can't diagnose you or give you medication, but maybe if after the 10 sessions they feel I need to see someone further, etc. Whatever advice they have, they can refer me places.

I also finally told the people close to me. I was VERY hesitant but my guidance counselor really helped me do that.. My parents were upset at first that I had never told them but they said that I can do whatever I feel I need to do.. I still don't like the fact that they know but I can't help it now. I'm sure it's better that they know anyway? I hate doing things behind their backs. Obviously I don't inform them of everything, but still..

I canned my doctor as well, ha... I really didn't like him. I don't find him helpful. So I'm trying to find one closer to home, though I'm probably going to have to move farther because there's no where is taking new patients if I can remember.

It has gotten really bad lately, especially with mood swings and sleep, so I guess I'm happy that I registered.

Just though I would update! Thanks again to everyone who posted. =) I'll update more when I have my first session.

 
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