I have been in therapy for years. The past year I am slipping away fast.. when do I worry? I lay in bed and think I am going to lose my job becuase I just can't handle the idea of even dealing with it. What should I do? Doc just wants to give more meds.
Thanks for responding. I am seeing a therapist and a shrink for the past twelve years. All has been well until recently.. just harder and harder. Right now I am just in a panic that I will lose my job.. which could be a good thing lol, but I don't know what to do. I have appts this week, see what happens.
Tanya, it is a very good thing that you are in therapy, don't give up on it, but as Phoenix stated, full disclosure is the best thing.
It could be that your therapist feels you have more to divulge and you are holding on to those issues? If so, let them go...talk them out.
I know from my decades of therapy that only when I can be completely upfront, even about the most hurtful things and EMBARRASSING things that I truly don't want to talk about, can I help myself through therapy.
You can use the board here as an anonymous sounding board. I have done it extensively in the past and present. As Phoenix has said to me, "post it out." You may be surprised at how helpful it can be.
A good time to do this would be when you are laying in bed and can't sleep for thinking. Get out of bed, go to your computer and "post it out," your thoughts that is...HERE!!
What is going on with your job that causes you to fear being fired?
Is your work performance being impacted by health or depression, or some other life issue? Or is your fear unfounded, it is just fear?
Thanks for responding, up again so I thought I would take your advice. Yes, I am very upfront with my shrink and therapist, they communicate with each other, I never hold a thing back. The thing is, it is just progressively getting worse and I am unable to determine if it is just due to the past few months being extremely difficult at home and work and everything else, or if it is organic. The one thing I have always had was the ability to cope.. and when that ran short a little break would do and I would be good again. The depression is affecting my work, my ability to go in to work, and the bosses are catching on. I have been there 15 yrs. I am just worried. Doc just upped my dosage of Lexapro and Lorazepam but he thinks he has to add more meds and that just UPSETS me.. I feel like a chemistry set. I meditate, I excercise, I try to eat right... until the chocolate frosting is a necessity lol. I have just gotten to a point where I can't cope. I can not tolerate very much at all, and when one little thing goes the wrong way in my day, I need to shut down... and fast. I am just not handling this well at all. Then I feel like a big baby and whiner for even writing this lol. OK, hope sleep will come soon enough. Thanks for your ears.
Then I feel like a big baby and whiner for even writing this lol. OK, hope sleep will come soon enough. Thanks for your ears.
Tanya, NEVER feel like a whiner in here. As Pheonix says, "post it out"
Goodness, what to say...have you shared your feelings about medication with your therapists (both)?
I can empathize with you about feeling like a "chemistry set." I just told my therapist again today how I hate the necessity to be chemically altered, but I also know the effect of not being chemically altered. I go into a crashing spin and end up where I was a few weeks ago.
This was the third time in 20 years I have tried to stop taking anti-d's. You think I would learn...LOL
I don't like it because I have to take pills all day long for another condition that required me to do so.
How long have you been on Lexapro? I don't know how long before it takes full effect...short term or long term, like two weeks.
I have been taking Lexapro for several years at 20mg. Was a wonderful drug when I started it, for about a year. Last week I saw my shrink and he upped it ten mg. but added a new med called Deplin.. which is basically a supervitamin of Folic Acid... supposedly recent research shows that it allows Anti's to work better.. like a booster. Doc knows how I feel about medicines, but after last week I was pretty open about being ready for better living thru pharmecuticals LOL... for me, that was a sure statement for him. He is supposed to be calling me tomorrow to see if it has made a difference but I guess it hasn't. Like I said, just when I think I feel better, something stressful occurs at home or work, and I spriral down. I am not suicidal, never have been, but I have been increasingly aggressive.. if confronted. Because of that I look in the mirror alot and wonder who is looking back and it is scary. I think of things like "what if I suddely wanted to commit suicide" ... you know, those stupid anxiety fears. what if what if.. I was always told if you think you are going crazy you aren't because crazy people don't know they are crazy. I have clung to that as my only hope.. I figure if I note that it is odd, I am ok. LOL The biggest fear I have of adding new med is what if it makes me suicidal? what if it makes me sleepy? etc. I am sure you have been through all of it and understand what I am trying to say. Just to give you a brief history, I was the life of the party until I turned 23. I am only 37 now, but my mom died from cancer at 52. That same year I was raped. I fully recovered from those I suppose, but then my dad died when i was 28. I have no other family to speak of other than my two boys who are 18 and 20 so life is just tough enough. In Feb of this year, I was in front of a car with three teenagers who were rear ended and spun past me.. the boy in the back seat died.. I had to crawl from my window to get to him and he just died. He was sixteen. So, while I have been working through that, my moms twin sister died, so that was like living it over again. So.. on and on.. but you get the idea. Just seems like life is moving faster than my brain can wrap around it. And because of being so young at the time of parents death, I never let go and grieved, so I am like one of those rock people who scream and cry inside, but for the life of me can't get it to come out. Anyway, that is kinda what is happening now. And I know I shouldn't feel bad but I can't help but always thinking of others who have it so much harder. I know it doesn't invalidate my feelings, but I still feel silly sometimes. Especially when the wrong order at the drive thru can send me for a loop and I need a nap LOL!
Tanya, you have seen and been though some rough times.
Life is not easy. We both already know this to be fact.
You are obviously a survior and have great fortitude and personal strength. Your sons are fortunately to have such a Mom.
We can ONLY take one day at a time. We can't assume the future...health, death...none of it. Today is Today...Tomorrow is yet to come.
Could it be that all those past things you spoke about have not truly been dealt with?
Could it be that they are heavy on your mind...those boxes on the shelf are creeping open, and you just haven't noticed?
You said, "I am like one of those rock people who scream and cry inside, but for the life of me can't get it to come out."
A story...In 1985, I had been through three years of violent horror with my son...he as 11/12 yrs at the time...depending on the day of the year. My husband very abruptly left the family as 2am one night in August of that year. I certainly didn't see it coming, I had had my hands too full as it was being the ONLY present parent, while he had been a very absent parent. About two months later I attempted suicide. A few months later, my oldest daughter, who is soon to be 38, was hospitalized for mental health reasons.
She told the doctor that before my "breakdown" she had seen me the rock in her life...on a pedestal no less...until the day I tumbled down and shattered into many pieces (suicide attempt). I hurt her dearly to see me shattered and scattered.
In retrospect, I don't know that being that "rock" was a good idea. Maybe if I had let it all out sooner (the pain, the hurt of those years prior) and at a reasonable pace, I may have been seen by you children differently and I wouldn't have tried to kill myself.
I am not saying that being a steadfast person of great strength in your children's lives is a bad thing, nor a good thing. Only you can see how this works for you.
Sometimes we try to carry more burden that we truly need to carry around.
Maybe it is time for "scream and cry" OUTSIDE in therapy?
A funny...I was so angry in the early part of my trying to stop anti-d's (he didn't know about my stopping yet) that my therapist gave me a tablet of paper and wanted me to rip the pages out, wad them up and toss them across the room, while listing all the things I was angry about.
You are correct. Life is hard. I am concerned about myself I don't like this at all. I am wanting to find someplace I can just lose it.. just go insane with emotion. I will talk to counselor about it but I am feeling to down right now to share. Maybe I will be up later.. my best to you and your family.. you really are a blessing to me right now.
I have a pragmatic approach to depression. I should; I've been fighting it for over 40 years. This is a long list, so sit down....
1. Remember, it's a DISEASE. If you had cancer, people would be sympathetic and helpful to you. Or they should be. They should be the same way when you're depressed. It's physical.
2. Depression is mysterious. There are many causes, but once it gets you, it's hard to beat. The blood-brain barrier makes it hard to measure clinically.
3. People are stupid about depression. They ask you, "What are you depressed about?" That's like saying "What are you diabetic about?" ???!!!! And 9 times out of ten, they have depression too.
4. Our symptoms are fatigue and apathy, so it's hard to get motivated to treat our own symptoms - we don't have the energy or drive. This makes is MUCH harder for us. We can't be hard on ourselves. That's like an arthritic person blaming himself because he can't run a marathon.
5. You need to attack this from all angles. Food, drink, exercise, medication, yoga, health supplements. There's always something you haven't tried. Avoid negative people. Avoid negative thoughts. Avoid negative TV shows, books, and magazines. Don't look at the tabloids when you're in the checkout line. So much effort. You won't be able to do it all at once. Again, don't be too hard on yourself.
6. Look at the world around us. People who are NOT depressed have something wrong with them, if you ask me.
7. If you feel like lying down and taking a nap, you are not lazy. Take a nap. I'm a nap-aholic, but you know what? I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict, and I've never attempted suicide. Napping is my thing, and it's safer than the other alternatives.
8. You may be a smart, educated person, but if you're not up to a really demanding career, don't opt for one. Work a job that's not too demanding. There's no shame in it. I live in a tourist area where lots of college-educated people work as waiters or clerks, because that's all that's available. They want to live in this beautiful area, so they slum it where jobs are concerned. Nobody holds it against them, because we're all "slumming it".
9. Whining is good for you. So is groaning and sighing and moaning. It moves your vocal muscles and sends energy vibrating into your body. It makes you feel better, or should, if people would just stop telling you not to whine. After all, they whine too. Me too.
10. This is what I do for depression: Lexapro, Klonipin, B-12, Body Balance (a liquid supplement that's amazingly energizing), fish oil for anxiety (Barlean's is the best brand), coffee (3 cups a day), avoid alcohol 99% of the time, don't smoke, don't do drugs, drink a lot of water, take a walk once a day, go online & chat, take naps. Next step: I'm going to try something called Deplin.
I hope this helps. I hope you realize you are SO not alone in this. A lot of the time, if I confide in somebody that I'm taking antidepressants, they say 1) So do I, or 2) Really? How can I get some of those?