My Story and my birthday - Depression Message Board

LisaAnn727 · 07-24-2008, 08:09 PM

Hi My name is Lisa and I have been diagnosed with major depression. I have suffered from depression since I was about 12. I found out then that my sister was my mother and my mother who died shortly after was my grandmother. that was the major life event that sent me into what Im living today. I have been hurt by people since I can remember. I will not go down the line and start mentioning everything, because it would take forever. I have always felt like I do not belong here. Life for me feels like I am standing around at a party I crashed and everyone is just tolerating me because they dont want to cause a scene. thats my life since I was young. I am going to be 40 next week and I'm not happy. I have no husband I have no children I have no friends. My family tolerates me. there are so many things Im leaving out because Im tired right now. I know it's me. I know I'm the reason why I do not have anyone. I know it's my depression. I went to a program a little while ago and I am medication that my doctor just increased the dosage. there is someone in my family who I have always wanted to be close to like a mother, but she does not treat me like a daughter. My natural mother dies 3 years ago and I didn't have a relationship with her. I wanted the person who I saw was a good mother but I always get hurt because she doesn't treat me like a daughter. I feel unwanted because I can't be happy all the time. when I need people the most like right now. this is when I have no one. my head hurts right now and Im crying. My birthday is next week and Im on vacation but I feel like Im sick and alone. I dont know what else to say. thankyou

transcend44 · 07-30-2008, 08:01 AM

Dear Lisaann77

I have just read your post and would like to share my experience with you, well part of my experience as it would take to long to go through the whole thing.

Like you I have been depressed from a young age. I've always felt that I didn't quite fit into this world and have wanted to exit out. As I get older, the feelings, the depression is getting worse and more protracted - I could not face work this morning so I took the day off to catch up on some of the things that I have let slip only to find that I have no motivation or will to do anything besides watch mindless TV and look at this site.

Everyday my life is slipping more and more in chaos and I sit and watch hoping for................I don't know what!

The housework, the washing, the washing up, the cooking, the attention to bills, the attention to myself.........all seems too much. So I am sitting here, not recognizing the person I am becoming and it scares me.

I'm divorced and have two children - boys aged 13 and 21 years and people around me, yet it means nothing as no one understands this dark space and people are busy getting on with their own lifes.

I'm lonely, scared and desperate to fight this thing called depression however it seems to be getting the better of me. But yet I know it can't as the fallout will be too damaging to those around me.

There's lots more but I'll stop now.

Let me know when your birthday is and I'll post you a happy birthday greeting.

keep fighting x

LisaAnn727 · 07-31-2008, 05:45 AM

Hi thankyou so much for your message. i am sorry for what you have gone through. I am in therapy now and the new medication I am one seems to be helpingas I had a wonderful birthday. I turned 40 on July 27. My main reason for sadness at the moment is lonliness and a lack of a family of my very own. right now I feel optimistic and I hope that continues with my medication though I have to work at my happiness too. so I am looking for quotes to send myself daily to remind me to be happy. It's nice to communicate with someone who understands what you are going through. I how it feels to be depressed and it's horrible. I wish for you to be happy and know that you are a special person. thankyou again for your kind message. It made me feel like someone cares. Lisa

transcend44 · 07-31-2008, 06:39 PM

Hi LisaAnne,

It was good to hear from you.

Belated Birthday Greetings to you and congratulations on turning forty! Did you do anything special?

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better with therapy and medication - which one are you taking?

I'm reluctantly taking Duoxetine 20mg twice daily. I have a real thing about taking medication and feel that I should not need to take any in order to just function. However this bout of depression has been going on since March therefore I really do need something to help me get out of this hell state.

Going back to your feelings of being lonely - I was saying to someone from The Samaritians - (a UK help line for people who are depressed/suicidal) - that it would be so much easier to 'manage' my depression if I did not have the needs of the children to meet as well as trying to meet my own needs. To get me to cook a dinner is like asking me to climb Mount Everest therefore my 13 year old is having to sort himself out with very little help from me whilst my 21 year old (who can do alot more for himself) keeps on going on about having to eat take aways all the time.

I also do not answer my phone alot of the time as I just do not want to hear from anyone - (not that I have alot of friends - it's mostly my mum or my sister who often make me feel alot worse as they belong to the 'pull your socks up brigade').

My point is is that sometimes I wish that I never had children and that my mum and my sister would not ring me as I have to pretend to be someone I'm not by being all upbeat when they ring or when my children make another demand of me that I just can't meet at this point in time. I therefore envy the space that you have but acknowledge that the grass always looks greener on the other side and that isolation can make depression worse.

Hopefully we'll talk some more - I'm off to bed or I may just stay on the couch until it's time to get up.

X

PS Thanks for telling me I'm special, I really needed to hear that and you know what? You're special to! xxxxhugxxxx

PS again......If I find any inspirational quotes I may just post you before I go to work x