Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: WESTFIELD, MA, USA
prognosis, will this ever get better?
I am looking for some input, please..........
I went to my psychologist this week and she gave me a prognosis that really hit home and has just been killing me for four days.
In a nutshell, I grew up oldest of four kids, ACOA, middle class. Dad abused any kind of substance, mostly alcohol, lent to outsiders the facade of being normal, but still disciplined us, was very strict. Mom is a great person, but an enabler. She thought it would be better financially to be married and deal than to make us struggle financially. Maybe she was right, I can't even go there. My parents always got along and he put her on a pedastle until one day when I was 18, he just up and left for another woman.
So I grew up, experimenting with drugs, drinking, but always remained responsible, stayed on honor roll, played sports, went to college, got (and have) a great job, got married against my gut feeling, had two kids (now 3 and 5).
I lead a relatively normal life up until I had my second child. I had experience with panic attacks back in college, but moved past them "holistcally", because I did not believe in medication after seing what my father went through. I have always had a minor depression, but sought help with therapists and was o.k. with that because I felt in control of my life.
After my youngest was born, my life spiraled out of control with depression. I was diagnosed with post-partum, so I started on AD's. I could not seem to find strength within myself to do it holistically again. My marriage was headed south, I had a man who was just mad at me all the time and was nothing but critical of me, everything I did, everything and everyone elst around him. With two small kids, a high-responsibility full time job, and a berating negative husband, I just seemed to be going down the tubes mentally and emotionally.
Medication made everything worse for me after awhile. It made me passive and OK with things, but one of the AD's I was on had a serious interaction with my personality, so two months ago I quit cold turkey. I feel like I can see daylight again. Like things aren't so muted. I love that, but I hate how I feel.
Like I mentioned before, my husband is not the warm fuzzy sort. We will be married 6 yrs in Sept. A year and a half ago, I threatened divorce. It got to be often that I did that, but my threats were not just words. When I finally saw a lawyer, got all my financials together and mapped out a visitation plan for the kids, he took me seriously and we started counseling (3 mo. ago). I am still not happy. Although we have learned to communicate better, I am still not happy and still hunting for a house for my children and I to live in without him. Money wouldn't be fabulous, but I can make it, it just won't be so comfortable. I always did well living on my own.
About six months ago, I started an AD that gave me an appetite for alcohol, which had not really had a presence in my life for awhile. The med was working adversley on me, and though I am not a drinker, I started drinking a bottle of wine a night. I do this on and off still, more lately on. I start when making dinner (like Julia, ya know?) and end around 9 p.m., after cleaning up and getting the kids ready for bed. I have immense guilt about this, especially because of where I come from, so it is a frequent topic in my therapy meetings.
So, in discussing my situation with my therapist for the umpteenth time, she told me something she has said before, but in different terms, and I got it. Lightbulb moment. She said that she believes my depression comes 70% from emotional scarring from my ACOA upbringing and 30% from my situation now with my husband. The drinking makes life with him at night tolerable.
The prognosis she gave me is that I will never be well in the situation I am in. My husband being a mean person is not something I brought out in him. It is his way of dealing with his own life. I don't deserve what he does to me. I am trying to live with my life, because it is supposed to be for better or for worse. My therapist thinks that i will continue to spiral downward as long as I am with him because the emptional baggage from my childhood is too great to bear the difficulty of being married to a man like my husband. I used medication, now alcohol to deal with a stress that is beyond me. I will always need some sort of crutch for as long as I remain in this situation because it is going to keep increasing my depression.
After hearing and "getting" it, I cried all the way to work. I am not against change, but I feel backed against the wall, now. In order to be a good mother, I need to make the jump out of my marriage? In order to be well, I have no choice? Well, I guess that's a good reason, but I have my doubts about the whole prognosis. I have been feeling for a long time that I do not want to be with my husband anymore. I can't stand looking at him or being around him or hearing the words that come out of his mouth. But, I am scared that if I leave, the depression won't go away, or won't be tolerable and then I'll really be on my own with two kids. What to do?
I am sure that there are people here who have been through similar. I am looking for some stories and a little support, not someone to tell me what to do. I guess I would like to hear that someone has been in this situation, and have done what I may have to, and been ok mentally and functional in life.
Right now, I am going through the motions of what I have to do. I do well at my job, I am a good mom, I try to maintain the facade of being a good wife for my kids' sake, but inside my head, I am just going down in flames. I am 34 an dnot ready for this Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.