I'm a 20 year old student who, in the past couple of weeks, have experienced things that I haven't before experienced.
I'm trying to gather as much information online so I can some idea what's going on with me -- and It's hard to explain what I'm feeling so please bare with me.
Starting a couple of weeks ago, I havn't been able to enjoy myself doing any of the things I have enjoyed before. I don't appreciate music like I once did, I don't enjoy food, I don't laugh the same way at my favorite T.V shows, etc. I am constantly in my head, every second of my waking life. Everytime I do anything, be it laugh or eat, my mind will constantly tell me that "I'm not laughing like I once did" or "you are not enjoying this food like you once have". I went to a concert last night which normally I would of loved, but the entire time my mind was telling me that "you are not hearing the music like you once did" and I can't enjoy myself -- I keep thinking that I've changed for the worse.
I'm a music student who has received a scholorship to a private institution in N.Y.C which I should be thrilled about, but I'm not. I don't really feel anything. When I'm playing the instrument my mind is constantly telling me that "you aren't playing it the same way, you've lost your natural ability", and it scares me. Everything I do, all throughout the day my mind is constantly telling me these things.
Emotionless and numb are words that commonly correlate with depression, but I need to know if anyone has experienced this constant battle with ones mind.
I keep trying to pin point the start of this to a specific act or date. I am a social marijuana smoker which I fear has started this all. I don't feel the same effects from it all, because I am now constantly always in my head, so I've stopped smoking. But I don't know if that's the cause, or it has just quickened what was eventually going to happen.
Both my mother and grandad suffer from some levels of depression, which you're now thinking that I've already answered my question, but most of the symptoms of depression I do not have. I'm not suicidal, I don't have feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and I'm not fatigued nor do I have any sleep disturbances. I'm just constantly in my head and I can't enjoy myself doing anything. It won't go away, and I'm scared that it will never go away.
If anyone has any thoughts, be it suggestions or are in similar situations, please let me know.
The medical term for emotional numbness is anhedonia. It's a dysfunction in the dopamine reward system in the brain. Besides lack of emotional response, it often causes unwanted negative thoughts, the "constant battle" you describe. It's found in lots of different brain disorders. It's THE classic sign of depression.
I found it one of the most painful parts of depression. Especially when it's low grade and you're not crushingly depressed, you just don't feel anything! Numb to life, like a zombie.
Anhedonia is what saved me, in a strange way. I'm a Christmas geek. I love Christmas and everything about Christmas. Goofy shirts, twinkly lights, ho-ho-ho, fake snow, everything. I had been struggling with my bipolar disorder for several years on my own till one year I heard the first Christmas song on the radio and I felt nothing. I was numb through the whole holiday, even kids opening presents - nothing. I was devastated. Needless to say I was in the shrink's office in January and two months, and an emotional 180 later, I was trying to figure out what took me so long.
Get help now, don't wait. You don't have to just endure this!
PS - the medical term for low grade depression is Dysthymia.
Last edited by AuntieLeela; 08-21-2008 at 10:24 AM.
Reason: add post script