Worried, nervous , feeling asleep all the time
hi there , I need your advice,
Where should I start ? I am 58 years old , male and in good physical health.
The good news;
I have just about enough money , no debts , own my own comfortable home, am building a great holiday home overseas. Get on well with my wife of 30+ years, 3 kids , all doing well and very close to me. i look okay and feel confident of my own erudition and level of education.
The bad news;
Everyday of my life so far is painful , I feel terrible all the time. When i was much younger I thought that ," things would get better ". They never have . I am conscious of the notion that ,i should " count my blessings ".Don't get me wrong , I am incredibly humbled by being so fortunate with my material and family situation. The fact is that it is only my immediate family the stop me from " fading away ". This is a terrible legacy to leave your nearest and dearest so i'm forced to continue.
The main problem;
My parents were not very affectionate , i grew up feeling like some kind of usurper , like the third of two children, most unwanted. I saw some violence between my older brother ( 8 years ) , when i was about 7. My school reports
looking back changed at that point. Till now i am terrified of everything, don't remember the past , can't cope with aggression or pressure and am almost unemployable as I am so nervy and forgetful.
I have lots of coping strategies but am just passing the time , getting through each gruesome day.
I have had group therapy ( 5 years ) , some courses of SSRI's and private therapy. I'm still the same.
I feel like i'm asleep and just need waking up.
In 1973 I was involved in a small tryst with a pals wife , it was initiated by , under the nose of her husband. I was a shocked , but willing participant . For the two subsequent days my mind was completely clear but fog returned. This sounds mad ,I know.