Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: United States
Depressed - Is it worth my time to apply for Social Security ?
I am a 38 year old male, who had a Major Vegatative Depression in 1997, I lost weight total insomnia, constipated, no appetite, no sleep, everytime I tried to sleep I got startled and awakened immediately from Hypnogogic Dream images, it was HORRIFIC ! I was basically bedridden for about 6 months, luckily I worked for my Dad, as he paid me each week till I got a little better about 6 months later, even though I was bedridden for 6 months. And I only ever worked about 20 hours a week max. Various Differen't Doctors tried Differen't Meds, NONE worked for me except Serzone, that was the only one that helped slowly reset my body so I could at least fall asleep and get some sleep, but ever since the Major Depressive episode of 1997 the only sleep I get is about 2 to 5 hours a night MAXIMUM, and that is broken with awakenings and vivid dreams.
That is all I get, but since that total sleepless insomnia I had in 1997 for about 6 months, I am not complaining, but the weird thing is no matter what I do in the day, walk, try to excercise etc, I almost always wake up 1 to 2 hours after falling asleep for the 1st time and feel as though I am charged, no tiredness etc. - Around 1999 - 2000 a Differen't Psychiatrist diagnosed me with Clinical Depression and PTSD from a Natural Disaster Flood I almost died from in 1996. I take Klonopin when needed to help me sleep also, I use that sparingly like when I have a few sleepless or very short hours of sleep. Because if I take Klonopin to many days in a row I start to feel like I am detached totally from life. I have taken the Serzone, now Generic Only ( Nefazodone ) cause of Liver Issues, for 11 years now as it was the ONLY MED to help me be at least like I am am today, which as crappy as it is, I am better than a vegatative depression. But I am really not well compared to a non depressed person, I have been seeing a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for Therapy for the last 9 - 10 months.
I positively hate the morning, this has been going on the entire 11 years since my Major Depression, I am irratable withoutbursts to my wife and kids sometimes, especially in the morning, I rarely like to leave home for more than a few hours max if I absolutely must, and I call home to make sure my home is still here by hearing the answering machine answer. ( I LOST MY HOME IN THE FLOOD OF 1996 ) So that is why I have PTSD also. So I like to be home as it comforts me and helps keep my anxiety under control. I quit working for my Dad in Jan. 2005 as I could not even handle that for 20 hours week, I have since been an eBay Power Seller, earning my living from home, I have made decent money the last 4 years but i feel like I can't do this anymore, either, as it feels so overwhelming just to start the day, it is not laziness, if you suffer from Depression, you know what i mean, motivation is almost impossible for me to get, I got a wife and children, and bills to pay, but I feel like I cannot FORCE myself to do this anymore !
I have Anehdonia ( Lack of Pleasure and Interest in ALL things ) I am not interested in sex, I have not been for last 11 years,I have no libido - I do not enjoy anything, I feel like I am in Neutral state. My moods go right down the tubes when it is dreary out, I have a mood light to stare at when it is cloudy and rainy. In the winter it is excruciating to me when it is Dark early. I am really disabled and I know it, I mean this is horrible, I do not care if people cannot see it, I feel it and live it everyday ! My wife knows it and sees it everyday, I have times when I go cry to myself through out the week, just to not shw weakness infront of my kids ! I do not want MORE PILLS ! I was told in 1997, that Serzone was a GOOD MED, it was newer and did wonders for people, well it did work for me, HOWEVER in 2004 it a got banned in most countries cause of Liver Failure and Death it caused, but becuase it worked for me in at least restoring SOME sleep and getting me an appetite back for me, I am glad to still be on it, cause if I feel this lousy on it for 11 years and getting therapy, I know I could not survive without it. However it is not a cure, I will never be cured - Working is so HARD for me, I do not even know how I have been able to do it, It is only about 2 or 3 hours a day, and I can barley handle that, and I have been fortunate to earn a pretty good living from the ebay sales, but I feel I cannot go on much longer doing this job or any job ! The stress is to much for me, and makes me even more depressed than I already feel everyday. ( I mean I fell like the biggest loser on the Earht, How many people are fortunate to earn a living for 2 to 3 hours a day of work from their own home, and can't even do that ?)
I am withdrawn and have been most of my life especially the last 11 years, I just simply do not like to be around people or socialize with them. I tell me wife she is lucky to go out to work so she can get away from me, cause I am so irratable in the morning, the kids are lucky to be in school, I just like to be by myself most of the day. I can't work for myself in the comforts of my own home 2 or 3 hours a day, I could NEVER hold down a 40 hour a week job, I never worked a 40 hour workweek in my life, my Dad knew I struggle with depression and paid me fulltime wages for about 15 to 20 hours a week, and I could not even be reliable with that, always complaining to him how overwhelmed I felt with my mood swings, sadness when the clouds comeout, dread of the new day which takes me about 3 hours to get through till almost noon etc. I feel so hopless right now, my wife and kids depend on me to earn from this eBay job, and I feel I can no longer do this or any job, I KNOW I can't, yet I keep hanging on doing my job for my wifes sake, and kids, and cause I am to scared to tell my Dr. how I truly feel for fear of someone thinking I am lazy, when I am not. Scared they will try to make me a guinea pig with new meds, I cannot get OFF my Medicine either, the withdrawl I felt trying to reduce it just a little was as bad if not worse than the Major Depression that put me on it ! It will be a tough sale for ANY Dr. to tell me the greatness of any mad, after that way I fell double crossed by Serzone ( Nefazodone) the only Med that helped me to be in this state which is better than the way I was in 1997, but not good enough to enjoy life, work, sex etc. I simply do not care about things the way one should, money, sex, life etc. How do I convince my Dr. ? My Therapist, or Social Security if I apply that i cannot work Fulltime ? i know I can't I never did, cause my Dad helped me cause of my Depression, and I have worked for myself, yet have a 17 year work History that shows I made decent wages, even though I never worked a 40 hour week in my life ? I feel so hopless !
I can't stand battling the Depression, and the stress of thinking I have to work when I feel I cannot and it is not laziness ! It is just a waste of time for me to apply for Social Security isn't it ? They like everyone else, would just think I am a lazy I fear cause the little I have heard about people in my shoes it is NOT EASY to convince them ! How can they (Doctor, Therapist, Social Security) tell me what I can and can't do when they do not live this HELL that I do everyday of my life ? This is not fake, it is REAL ! Someone please tell me as I feel worthless, and hopeless and feel that NOBODY will ever believe me when I say I cannot fight Depression and be productive to earn a living ! I am not lazy !