Do I need help?
For the past couple of weeks, I haven't been feeling very well. I have been tearful, sad, extremely tired and I've had panic attacks (especially about going back to work). During the day, I'm just tired and I find it very hard to find the energy to do anything. The only time I feel I come alive is when my fiancee comes home from work, he's the only one that make feel better.
I have been to the doctor and I was recommended exercise, and I do feel better when I'm doing stuff, but I need my fiancee to actually even get out of bed. I've been referred to counselling, but haven't heard anything yet. I have tried the youth counselling service, but all you get is the answer phone, and nobody's got back to me yet.
Yesterday, we got in touch with the YMCA counselling and finally got some result, and it looks like I will get an appointment there. The only thing is, since my "happy periods" has increased I feel like I don't need to see anyone, like I don't have anything to say, like I'm fine. The thought of work or doing stuff without my fiancee still makes me wanna crawl back to bed and fall asleep.
At night, just before my fiancee falls asleep (I'm too scared to fall asleep) is the worst time, the time for panic attacks and horrible thoughts. I'm just lying in bed with my nails digging in my skin thinking of ways I can harm myself. I don't think I would actually do anything though, I wouldn't hurt people around me like that. And I even scare myself with thoughts like that, I've always been the good child in our family, always excellent grades and perfect attendance. Now I'm signed off work, and don't even wanna imagine going back.
Whenever I'm happy, I feel guilty, like I'm just lazy. I don't deserve to smile or laugh. The guilt I'm feeling is among the worst of the emotions. I'm signed off work and should be sad all the time, right..?
This has happened before, I few months ago. I started getting panic attacks, assumed it was work, got signed off, changed job, and has since then been feeling ok. During my school years I often got panic attacks about school work, and I wasn't performing good enough or there was too much to do. I have always had really bad self-esteem and I often look i the mirror thinking I'm really ugly. I hate being in crowded spaces, and feel like everybody's looking at me, laughing.
Never mind, all I really would like to know, is if people think talking to someone might do me good. I need to know I'm not gonna be wasting anyone's time, bothering a counseller's precious time with insignificant matters.
Thank you for your time!